I don't own these characters.
A/N: I don't think they're really "out of character." Do you?
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Interview One—Bellatrix Black
Voldemort shuffled the papers in his hand and cleared his throat noisily, staring at the young, pale girl sitting across from him. "So, Ms. Black, what gives you the idea that you should join my ranks?"
"Well," she began smoothly, "I'm a cruel-hearted, cold-blooded killer. I'm obedient to the point of death, I'm quick-witted, and I enjoy long walks on the beach!"
"What makes you think I give a damn about any of that? What about your work ethic? Any prior employers?"
"W-what?" she stammered. Her mother hadn't told her about this man acting that way! Mother said all she needed to do was be charming and poised, and she was so fucking charming and poised! This man was supposed to be falling at her feet, begging her to join, and he was asking about prior employers?!
"Well, I need someone to contact. Do you expect me to call your old Head of House?"
"I-I didn't…"
"Tick-tock sweetie. I've got plenty of girls just like you: cold-blooded and fierce. And at least some of them are bound to be more charismatic."
"What the hell does charisma have to do with this?!" she blurted, practically screaming. "I'm bloody gorgeous! My victims are going to be too damn busy staring at me to notice that I can't list off all of my 'special skills'! Who cares if I can't think up some witty last remark right as I finish them off?!"
"Darling," he began, and she blushed fiercely. "Last remarks are everything."
"Fine. How about this?" She got up, turned on her heel, flipped him the bird, and yelled, "Screw you!"
"You're hired!"
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Interview Two—Narcissa Black
Voldemort stared at his next prospective Death Eater in disbelief. He'd walked into the room, only a few minutes late (which was perfectly acceptable when you're the great and wondrous Dark Lord) to find the young lady painting her nails hot pink—on his brand-new mahogany desk!
"You have twelve seconds to explain what you're doing without using the letter 'E.' Go!"
"My nails," the girl said, in sort of a "Duh!" tone of voice. He groaned inwardly.
"Please, don't tell me you're one of my new candidates."
"It wasn't my idea," the girl sniffed. "My mother's always pushing me to be just like my good, pure little sister Bella. Like I'd ever want to be like that freak. And if that's not bad enough, my fiancé's just like her! He's always saying stuff like, 'Oh, Cissy, we've got to help him. We've got to help the cause.' God, like he even cares about any stupid cause! He just wants to piss of his parents. And don't even get me started on his friends. Like that Snape fellow. Oh my gods. He is so weird! He doesn't talk to like anyone but Lucius, and he never washes his hair. And he's like totally obsessed with Bella. God, they're both such totally freaks; they'd deserve each other if they weren't going to populate the earth with their weird kids." The girl who seemed to be called "Cissy" giggled suddenly and rose from her chair. She patted Voldemort warmly on the arm, beaming. "Wow, thanks, I feel so much better now! You are such a way better listener than all of my other friends. We should totally do this again sometime! Byesies!"
She skipped cheerfully out of the room, leaving Voldemort staring, jaw dropped. All he could do was faintly call, "Next!"
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Interview Three—Lucius Malfoy
"Lucius Malfoy?" He looked up from his papers at the cowering, skinny blonde man sitting in front of him.
"Y-y-yes My Lord?" The man stuttered, not meeting his eyes. The Dark Lord sighed.
"I've heard you're interested in helping the cause?"
"Oh yes!" Lucius cried, looking like a dog begging for a bone. "The cause is my life! The cause is the most important thing in the world to me!"
"More important than you're fiancée?"
"Oh, yes definitely!" Voldemort frowned and scrawled, Skinny man will make good victim, down on his notepad. Lucius saw his face and panicked. "I mean no, My Lord! My Narcissa is the most important thing in the world to me! She's like the moon and the stars! Without her, the cause means nothing to me!"
"The cause means nothing to you?" This was getting fun. He wouldn't even have to use his wand to torture this Lucius!
"No, no of course not, my great and wonderful Dark Lord, who has no flaws whatsoever and outshines every other aspect of my life!"
"Even family?"
"Oh yes, I mean no, I mean, my family's good and all, but they're not to big on the cause…"
"You are of a lineage that does not support me?"
"NO! I mean, yes! I mean, they don't like some parts, but I do! I'm one of the good ones!" He looked like he wanted to cry. "I've got to go!" And Lucius bolted out of the room, leaving Voldemort smirking to himself.
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Interview Four—Severus Snape
Another skinny—What is it with these underweight men? Voldemort thought to himself. Has Dumbledore stopped feeding them? Ahem, anyway, another skinny young man sat in front of Voldemort's desk. However, unlike the Malfoy, who'd been poised and energetic to a frightening point, this man sat slumped and bored. Voldemort was instantly intrigued.
"You're Severus Snape?"
"The one and only."
"You're straight out of school."
"That I am."
"Top of your class?"
"Yes," a hint of pride showed in his voice. "Though Bellatrix Black may tell it differently."
"Give me forty-two reasons why I shouldn't kill you right now. Without using the letter 'I.' Begin!"
"Make me."
Voldemort nearly laughed. "I see. So, you're cold, unfriendly, and you're already completely jaded! You're exactly what I'm looking for in a man!" Snape stared at him.
"Are you hitting on me?" This surprised Voldemort. He pondered the question: No, he'd never thought of "hitting" on anyone, but anything was possible.
"Perhaps, perhaps not. Well, I suppose not. At least not for now."
"Right. I'm, um, going now." He left, and Voldemort smiled, evidently proud of himself for choosing the four greatest young wizards and witches of the 1970s to mold and shape as his own. Finally, he would have new children, er, "followers."
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A/N: Yes, they're the four greatest young wizards and witches of the seventies. It was a dark time for wizarding kind.