Fanfiction— Mr. Granger's Unusual Patient
Summary: Oneshot. A wizard goes to the dentist.
Genre: General / Humor
Rating: K
Character Parings: none
A/N: If you're wondering, the wizard in this fanfiction is wearing Muggle clothes.
I'm also aware that in many areas a dentist does not actually clean and take care of a patient's teeth; this is usually the job of the assistants. Obviously for this scenario to work, I had to bend the rules a little. Enjoy.
Mr. Granger liked Monday mornings. There weren't many people who felt up to a visit to the dentist early on a Monday. The office was quiet; no patients, no phone calls. He could update his paperwork and get ready for the work week.
So he was rather surprised one Monday morning in July to find that he did, in fact, have a patient first thing. He found he'd come to rely on the hour or so he had free to ready the office and he had barely finished when the patient was ushered in.
Mr. Granger flipped open the medical file as the tall man settled himself in the chair. As he was a new patient for the office, Mr. Granger had expected to find that he was missing some information from the last practice. He hadn't expected to find absolutely nothing of any use.
"So, your last visit to the dentist was…when you were five?" said Mr. Granger, mentally calculating.
"Yes," the man replied. Mr. Granger continued to stare at the file. No checkups, no braces, not even an appointment scheduled in over thirty years. He was amazed the man still had teeth.
"Is there some problem?" The patient sounded irritated. Mr. Granger jumped guiltily.
"Oh no, not at all," he said quickly. "Just…most of my patients have more regular visits," he added helplessly. This appeared to have no effect. The man merely stared at him.
"Well, why don't we have a look?" he said brightly. "Mr…." he glanced at the file again. "Mr. Snape?"
Snape's eyes narrowed, but he allowed himself to be leaned back in the chair. Mr. Granger wondered if he'd even open his mouth, but after a moment's hesitation, Snape gave in. He had a death grip on the chair arms, though.
Severus Snape…where had he heard that name before? It seemed familiar, yet Mr. Granger was certain he'd never met the man. Why did he have a feeling he should know who he was? He gave his head a shake and concentrated on what he was doing.
Despite his previous misgivings, Mr. Granger found that he was not looking at a mouthful of rotten stumps and blackened gums. Instead there was a yellowed, uneven—yet mercifully whole—set of teeth. Either Snape abstained from sweets completely or was miraculously lucky.
"Do you, er, brush at all?" he asked, examining Snape's gums. Over the years he'd slipped into the habit of making conversation with patients when they had tools in their mouths, something he'd vowed in university that he'd never do. Snape's reply was predictably incomprehensible, but Mr. Granger had also learned how to understand mumble.
"Naugh."
Miraculously lucky then, he thought, before saying aloud, "Well, you don't appear to have any cavities, and your teeth look generally healthy. I suppose you came because they've been hurting recently, am I right?" Snape shot him a look. Mr. Granger straightened up and powered the chair upright again.
"Yes," Snape admitted. "How did you know that?"
"It's a bit obvious," said Mr. Granger modestly. "Your teeth appear to be shifting."
Snape stared at him. "Is that normal?"
"Not normal, but it does happen. You really should have had braces when you were a kid. They weren't bad, but now that you're older the teeth have started to move. You'll have to have braces at least, I'm afraid." Snape didn't look happy to hear this information. Mr. Granger doubted that anyone would.
"I'd like to take some X-rays of your mouth to see how fast they're moving," he added, as Snape digested this information. "If it's a real problem, I can get you in to an orthodontist right away."
"That won't be necessary. I just need the X-rays," snapped Snape.
"Oh. You already have someone in mind?" asked Mr. Granger, raising his eyebrows.
"Essentially."
"All right then," said Mr. Granger, rather taken aback. "I'll go ready the machine."
Snape handled the X-rays well for someone who wasn't used to dentistry, although Mr. Granger was afraid that he'd have to pry his fingers from the chair arms one by one afterward. He turned the machine off and went back into the room.
"It'll take a while for the X-rays to develop," he told his patient, "So I'd like to do a cleaning while we're waiting."
This was obviously not what Snape had bargained for.
"That is not necessary," he said stiffly. "I can wait."
"There's no extra fee," Mr. Granger assured him. "It's part of the visit."
"I don't think so."
"It doesn't hurt."
"I doubt that very much."
"Really. Trust me," Mr. Granger wheedled.
"No."
"Well then, you'll just have to come back next week for the X-rays," Mr. Granger replied.
Snape hesitated. "Come back…"
"Next week," he finished with a smile and nod. This did not go over well either.
"Can't I just wait for them?" Snape asked hesitantly.
"I'm afraid not."
Snape's mouth thinned and he glared at Mr. Granger for a few seconds.
"Fine," he snapped. "But make it quick."
Feeling quietly elated, Mr. Granger got to work. He wasn't going to let Snape walk out the door without a cleaning. If he'd really managed to keep his teeth all these years, it would be a tragedy to leave them the way they were.
And the little thought was still bothering him. Where had he heard of Snape before?
"So, what do you do for a living?" he asked as he scraped some plaque off of Snape's teeth. Snape fidgeted uncomfortably.
"Ah teaych," he managed to spit out.
"Oh, really? What subject?" Mr. Granger was interested. In fact, he thought he was getting warmer. Snape looked rather confused.
"Ah thau 'ou knoo," he said—or rather, gurgled.
"Knew what?" asked Mr. Granger. "You can rinse now, by the way."
Snape spat hurriedly. He made disgusted sound. "Your daughter is in my class," he snapped.
Oh, that Severus Snape. The Potions Master, Severus Snape. The professor that Hermione always ranted about because he refused to give her full marks on any of her essays, Severus Snape. That's where he'd heard the name before.
I'm lecturing a wizard on proper dental hygiene and it turns out he's my daughter's cantankerous Potions professor, thought Mr. Granger in panic. Hermione is going to kill me.
"Really? Oh yes, Hermione's told me about you," he said, grinning desperately. There is no possible way I'm going to make it through today alive. "I think she's just finished her summer essay," he added, for something to say.
"Yes. I'm sure she has."
The only thing Mr. Granger was certain about that statement was that it meant nothing good.
"And, er, she's already read the textbook through…." he said, continuing the cleaning with rather more care.
"Yesh," mumbled Snape. He did not seem impressed. In fact, he looked annoyed. Something told Mr. Granger that Snape found Hermione more tiresome than anything.
"Looking forward to this school year?" he asked brightly.
"Naugh."
"But you enjoy being a teacher?" Mr. Granger asked, perplexed.
"Yesh."
"Then if you don't mind me asking, why—?" he began, removing the tools from Snape's mouth.
"Because I have the Weasley twins in my seventh year class this term. Surely you have heard of Fred and George." Snape curled his lip with his last remark.
"Not anything bad, no—"
"They have the destructive force of entire armies. I am become severely afraid for life and limb when they light up a cauldron. The only thing worse than experimenters are students who couldn't find their way across a room, and they are usually too preoccupied to do any real damage."
"I sure they're not—" began Mr. Granger. He glanced towards the door to make sure it was closed. Snape had already done so, but he felt nervous talking in the office.
"I will admit that they are fairly intelligent," and judging by Snape's expression he would rather not admit that at all, "but that is part of the problem. They are bright enough to know that you can make new potions by mixing together different ingredients, but not foresighted enough to stand back while doing so."
"You mean you can blow yourself up in your class?" asked Mr. Granger. Hermione had neglected to mention that point.
"Not I. And not if my students do what they are supposed to. Therein lies the root of the problem, of course."
"Oh. Well, I'm sure you have everything under control," said Mr. Granger. He couldn't think of anything else to say.
"Yes. I do."
"Right then," said Mr. Granger. He got on with the cleaning.
"Here you are. All finished," Mr. Granger said, putting down his tools. "I'll go see how the X-rays turned out."
He brought them back and showed them to Snape. The Potions master stared at them blankly.
"So what are they supposed to look like?" he asked.
"Well," said Mr. Granger, pulling out a pen, "This tooth over here is turning outward, see? It should be more like this. And these teeth are beginning to overlap. I have a picture of a normal arrangement here for you."
Snape took the X-rays from him. "Thank you."
Mr. Granger hesitated. "This should really be done by a professional—" he began, because he thought he knew what Snape was planning. Hermione had pulled it on him and her mother last year.
"I am going to ask Madam Pomfrey. Thank you anyway."
"Ah, good. Wonderful woman," said Mr. Granger, relieved. Hermione had been quite happy with the result of her unfortunate accident, and he hadn't been able to find fault with it. He hadn't liked it, though.
"Yes."
Mr. Granger nodded. "Oh, here," he added quickly, when Snape made to get up. "I give these to all my patients. Just a second…."
He opened a drawer and pulled out some items. He handed them to Snape.
"Oh, joy," said Snape flatly. "Floss. And a toothbrush."
Mr. Granger nodded. You could have cut the tension with a knife.
"Are you trying to make some point here?" inquired Snape. "I believe you said my teeth are healthy."
"But they won't stay that way unless you take care of them," Mr. Granger insisted. "It'll help, really."
"And what happens if I don't?"
"Your teeth will rot and fall out of your head," said Mr. Granger promptly.
"Oh please," sneered Snape.
"No, it's true. I deal with people who don't take care of their teeth all the time. I should know." He looked at Snape's expression and said, "Won't you just try it out? It can't hurt, can it?"
Snape sighed. "I suppose not." He muttered. Mr. Granger had a feeling he was hitting a sore spot, so he didn't push the issue. He did, however, make sure Snape took a tube of toothpaste with him.