Chapter one
Authors note: This is a parody of Star wars episode 6-return of the jedi so don't take it too serioulsy, it's like comedy version of the film.
Prolouge: After being frozen in carbonite, Han solo was taken to Jabba the hutt's palace and placed on the wall so that jabba could make him into a human dart board (poor bloke) ,but his buds Lando calrission,Luke skywalker, threepio, r2-d2 , chewbacca and his furture wife Princess Leia were planning on breaking into big fat jabba's palace and getting han out of there. Meanwhile, big bad ass Darth vader and his one zillion year old master Darth hidious were plotting on trying to get Luke to join the dark side, but will he?
Now to the real story
Darth Vader was half way through building a brand new Death star and already it was evil looking and he plotted on making it more deadlier than his previous Death star, so deadly that it could blow up an entire universe. Meanwhile, a bunch of imperial officers were in the monitor room and several of them were gathered round one monitor watching some very rude video on youtube when the lead officer came to inform them that Darth vader was on his way back from somewhere.
"Damn it, turn off the rude video before Darth sees it or he'll go ape shit " one imerial officer panicked. Just then the imperial death march began playing indicating that Darth vader had arrived.
"I'll go and greet the old darthster, you lot look like you're working and please don't go on your facebook pages or he'll force choke the lot of you" the lead officer said before leaving to greet Darth vader on the landing platform. When he arrived , he was revealed to be wearing a t-shirt under his uniform saying I LOVE DARTH VADER in big bold letters. As Darth vader came out of his evil looking space transporter, the officer knelt down on his knees.
"Get (breath) of your knees you idiot" Darth vader boomed. The officer nodded and did as he was told.
"Lord vader, we are honoured by your presence and we would like to present you with a---"
"You may inform the imperial troops that Darth hidious is coming here" Vader said as he cut the officer off "and he is most displeased with the lack of effort that is happening to finish off this Death star. All they seem to do is slack about but I am putting my trust in you General jackass to make sure that those (breath) slackers get some work emperor is not as forgiving as I am."
"As you wish my lord" General jackass replied "I will get to it right away."
"And General jackass" Darth vader said.
"Yes my lord?" General jackass asked in a proffesional manner.
"Get rid of that stupid t-shirt" Darth vader ordered. A bunch of stormtroopers burst out laughing.
"Haven't (breath) you lot got some evil doings to be doing?" Darth vader boomed.
Meanwhile on the sandy planet of tatooine, Threepio and Artoo where making their way to Jabba the hutt's palace to rescue Han sole who was frozen in carbonite.
"Of course I'm not bluffing Artoo" Threepio said in his bristish accent "Lando and Chewie never returned from this awful place."
"Bloop bloop whoo whoo (translation: I agree, it sure is a mystery of what happened to them)" Artoo responded in agreement.
"I know Artoo, it is a big mystery of what happened to them" Threepio replied.
"Whoo whoo bleep bleep(translation: will you tell me about this jabba the butt or whatever they call him?)" Artoo asked
"Well if I told you about this jabba fellow, you'll commit suicide" Threepio replied as they finally arrived at the doors of Jabba's palace.
"I'd better knock I suppose" Threepio said before he nervously tapped on the metal doors. Suddenly, a long pole with Ronald McDonald's face jumped out and scared the circuits out of threepio.
"Hello and welcome to McDonalds my name is fred, may I take your order?" said a voice from the Ronald McDonald face.
"I think we've arrived at the wrong place, I don't think this is Jabba's palace" Threepio told Artoo.
"Would you like fries with that?" the intercom asked.
"No I wouldn't, I am looking for Jabba the hutt's palace" Threepio barked.
"We also have a special offer on pepsi today" the voice on the intercom said. Sighing in annoyance, Threepio walked off with Artoo rolling behind. Jabba's palace was situated next to the McDonalds and Threepio knocked again. The two droids waiting for a full five minutes and no one came.
"I don't think any one is home Artoo" Threepio informed . Suddenly a robotic eyeball on a stick jumped out and started speaking in a gibberish language.
"Oh my god" Threepio yelled "it's an eyeball." The eyeball rolled itself and demanded to know who the two droids were.
"Ahh yes, I am C3po human cyborg relations and this is my soul mate Artoo-detoo" Threepio replied. The eyeball said something which sounded like "Are you guys gay lovers?"
"That's none of your buisness" Threepio snapped "now take us to jabba now."The eyeball shot back inside after it called threepio a very naughty word.
"What a very rude eyeball" Threepio scoffed "come on Artoo, let's go and tell Luke that they won't let us in." Just as the droids were about to leave, the big doors opened and the droids walked in.
"I don't think we should do this Artoo, I'm a big coward" Threepio announced "and I don't want to meet this jabba , oh why did I agree to do this?."The two gay lover droids were greeted by a man who looked like he had a big worm on his head.
"what you want?" he asked the two droids
"We demand to see your leader, jabba the hutt" Threepio said, trying to hide his cowardlyness.
"You no see jabba" the worm head spat.
"We demand to see jabba, we bring a message to his fat assness" Threepio ordered, trying to be brave.
"Ok, you see jabba" worm man said "follow this way." The two droids follwed into Jabba's main chambers where a party was in full swing and lady gaga's poker face was playing in the background. Jabba was on a big rock thing, smoking a bong. Worm headed man who's actually name was bibbit jones walked up to jabba and whispered something in his ear.
"Droids bring message to jabba" bibbit jones said, indicating to threepio and Artoo.
"Ahhhhh, show me message now" Jabba ordered. Artoo bleeped and rolled further away from Jabba but Threepio slapped him on the top of his dome.
"Will you just show him the god damnm message you useless little pipsqueak" he snapped.
"Bleep bleep bloop squeak squeak weeee (translation: alright you jerk,just shut the hell up and stop whinging") Artoo said in response.
"What are you talking about, I'm not whinging" Threepio replied in a high pitched tone.
"Bloop bloop squak splat (translation: yeah yeah whatever gold features") Artoo mutttered.
"Oh just show jabba the message so we get the hell out of here" Threepio barked.
"Bleep bleep (translation: ok keep your circuits intact") Artoo replied before showing Jabba the holographic image of Luke Skywalker in a black suit.
"Greetings oh fat one, I am Luke sywalker, jedi knight and friend of captain solo" he said.
"Ooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Two hours later
"oooooooh" Jabba responded.
"I know you are really powerful oh obese one and that your anger with solo must be really powerful" he continued.
"Oooooh fafa" Jabba replied.
" So I would like to present a gift in order to bargain for solo's life, these two droids." He indicated towards Threepio and Artoo.
"WHAT?" Threepio yelled. Artoo squealed a high pitched noise.
"Both are really hard working and will serve you well. Oh by the way Jabba, lose some weight you fat slug." The image then dissapeared. Bibbit jones walked over to Jabba and whispered something to Jabba.
"Oooooooooooh, there be no bargain" Jabba boomed "I no give up my human dart board." He then pointed to the wall were a frozen Han solo was hung and it looked like he was half way through a raising the roof dance as he got frozen.
"Oh my Artoo look, it's captain solo and he's still frozen in carbonite and there's a million darts gathered around the floor near him" said threepio.
"Yes, darts do not stick to solo, but I find throwing darts at solo very amusing" Jabba replied. Pretty soon Threepio and Artoo were being hauled to the droid torture section by two green pigs.
"What came over master Luke back there, he never seemed to hate me" Threepio whined.
"Bleep bleep bloop (translation: I don't know, maybe he's playing a joke on us and jabba)" Artoo suggested. The droids were taken into a room and greeted by an evil looking grey droid.
"Ahhh new acqusisions I see" it said in an evil droid voice as it turned to Threepio "you are a protocol droid are you not?"
"I am c3po, human cyborg relations" Threepio replied.
"yes or no will do" evil grey droid said,
"Well yes I am Duh" Threepio replied.
"How many languages do you speak?" Evil grey droid asked.
"I can speak over six billion languages. I can also wash windows, play the harmonica, make pancakes, bake cakes, bake buns,download movies illegally,cheat in poker,know all the lyrics to all the songs ever invented and I can also polish shoes" Threepio replied.
"Execellent" replied evil grey droid " we have been looking for a protocol droid that does all that since our master got angry with our last protocol droid and disintergrated him." Threepio looked and saw a white protocol droid being disintegrated.
"Ow, so much pain" was the droid's last words.
"Take him back to his fatt assness's main chamber" evil grey droid instructed. Two green pigs came along and dragged threepio away.
"Artoo, I am going to miss youuuuuuuuu" he said as he vanished round the corner.
"Blaaaap weee squeak squeak (translation: you are a jackass)" Artoo said to evil grey droid.
"You're a feisty little one" evil grey droid replied "but you will soon learn some respect."
"Bleep bleep bloop bloop (translation:don't count on it bitch)" Artoo replied.
"I have needs for you on the master's sail barge, you will be serving drinks" evil grey droid said. Two green pigs then carried Artoo away.
"Bleep bleep squak squaky bloop (translation: I am so screwed.)" he said as he got carried away.
To be continued......