The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone off somewhere. Just some strange thoughts in my strange little mind.
Lana's Lament
"It just drives me crazy that's all," Lana sighed as she walked with Ray down the street. They were both holding coffee cups in their hands.
"Well you're the one who got back together with Archer," Ray pointed out.
"I know," Lana sighed. "I really thought he changed. But every time I think he's grown up just a little bit, he slips backwards into his old immature self. Like an alcoholic Peter Pan."
"Well he's good with AJ isn't he?" Ray asked.
"Yes," Lana sighed. "When he actually remembers to be around."
"Well he's with her now right?" Ray asked. "He said he'd look after her this afternoon while we went to get coffee and talk."
"I know," Lana sighed. "He even promised me that he wouldn't take her into a bar."
"You know the man has more flasks on him than one of Gatsby's bootleggers right?" Ray asked.
"I'm aware of that," Lana sighed. "I'm just so frustrated with him. And his latest obsession with Veronica Deane isn't helping."
"Then why did you take him back?" Ray asked.
"Because I love him Ray," Lana sighed. "I know he's the world's biggest asshole but I love him. There's a whole different side to him not many people see."
"Like the dark side of the moon."
"He really is a good guy deep down," Lana said.
"Very deep," Ray gave her a look. "We're talking Earth's core deep."
"Look Ray," Lana said. "As much as I hate to admit it, when it really matters…When it really, really matters…Archer's the only one I can count on."
"Wow," Ray said. "You've got it worse than I thought."
"You know it's true," Lana pointed out.
"I know you've got it bad," Ray said. "I also know that you once told me, and I am using a direct quote here: Ray if I ever date Archer again you know I have completely lost it."
"He has been trying Ray," Lana said.
"I know he has," Ray said. "That's the scary part."
"Okay other than the cheating," Lana sighed. "And the lying…Name one time Archer has been bad for me?"
"How about the time he broke your nose on that Mexico mission?" Ray asked.
"Accidentally!"
"The time his damn lemur bit you?" Ray asked.
"It bit him seven times so…" Lana shrugged. "And mine didn't break the skin so…"
"The time he kidnapped you and took you to Wales in your underwear?"
"It was part of an argument, which ended up as a work thing…" Lana sighed.
"Speaking of which," Ray folded his arms. "How about all the times he figuratively screwed you at work?"
"We're working on that!" Lana protested.
"The times he's humiliated you in front of your parents," Ray said. "Including thinking they wanted at threesome with him?"
"It was a very confusing situation."
"You mean like the times he got drunk and rode the rocket ship outside the supermarket?" Ray asked. "Singing Danger Zone at the top of his lungs and pretending he was Tom Cruise?"
"Technically he was pretending to be Lieutenant Pete 'Maverick' Mitchell," Lana sighed. "Okay he's done a lot of shitty things! I admit it! But he has done a lot of good things too! Like the baby shower…"
"Which was my idea," Ray gave her a look.
"He gave me his crib and literally fought to get Kenny Loggins to play at it," Lana pointed out.
"Not realizing that you had no idea who that was," Ray said. "That was more for his benefit than yours."
"He got certified as a doula when I was pregnant," Lana added.
"Which he sucked at," Ray gave her a look.
"Okay I'll give you that one," Lana groaned. "How about all those times he saved my life?"
"And all those times he's put your life in danger?" Ray asked.
"What do you want from me Ray?" Lana asked. "I love him. God help me I love the asshole."
"I know you do darlin'," Ray sighed. "I don't mean to rain on your parade but…I don't want you getting hurt again. I see history repeating itself and the last thing I want is you crying your eyes out boo-hooing on my couch getting drunk."
"Ray, Archer and I have literally been through everything," Lana said. "And we've survived it all. I just don't want to give up on us."
Lana let out a breath. "I can't explain it Ray. It's just…Whenever I'm with Archer it feels right. I can't imagine life without him. I think he might be my soulmate."
"You really feel that way don't you?" Ray asked.
"I do, Ray," Lana said. "I do. And I think what we're going through now can only make our relationship stronger."
"You actually believe that?"
"I have to Ray," Lana sighed. "I have to. But I can honestly say that Archer really is trying to be a better person. Maybe he's learned from his past mistakes?"
"Highway to the Danger Zone!" A familiar drunken voice was heard.
"Then again, maybe not?" Lana groaned. She then noticed a small crowd had formed around a store front. "Oh dear God no…"
"Okay it's safe!" Pam was heard shouting. "Give your daughter a turn Space Nuts!"
"Pam?" Ray blinked.
"NEVER!" Archer was heard crowing. "I'm riding this baby to the Danger Zone!"
"We'd better check it out," Lana groaned. They went over to the commotion. "Pam?"
"Hey guys!" Pam turned around. "Guess what?"
"Oh no," Lana winced.
"Oh yeah," Pam nodded.
Riding on a small child's rocket ride was Archer, singing wand waving a flask around. "Highway to the Danger Zoooooooooooooooone!"
"Dada!" AJ was standing on the side pouting.
"What are you doing here?" Ray asked Pam.
"Archer called me and asked me to watch AJ while he went into outer space," Pam pointed to the spectacle with his thumb. "Which I gotta admit for him is very responsible."
"What?" Lana did a double take.
"VRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOM! VRRRROMMM!" Archer made flying sounds as he rode the ride.
"AJ wanted to go on the rocket ride," Pam sighed. "But Archer insisted on going on first for safety reasons."
"And I'm guessing those reasons have nothing to do with safety," Lana groaned.
"More like a half quart of scotch," Ray groaned.
"This ride is for children!" A woman shouted.
"We're all children deep down inside!" Archer shouted back.
"Some of us more than others," Pam quipped. "Ms. Archer is going to love this!"
"This is exactly like what happened back in New York," Ray groaned.
"This is exactly why Archer was banned from supermarkets back in New York," Lana groaned.
"Dada! Off!" Little AJ stomped her foot. "Dada!"
"AJ's first public embarrassment by her father," Ray sighed. "What a milestone."
"The first of many I can imagine," Pam remarked.
"Archer!" Lana shouted. "Archer! Get off there! Get off!"
"Phrasing!" Archer laughed. He started to slide off. "Whoop!"
"Archer…" Lana growled.
"Uh oh," Archer started to slide off the ride. "Uh oh…"
WHUMP!
"And that AJ," Pam sighed. "Is why you don't drink while flying a rocket ship."
"I'm down…" Archer warbled as he lay on the pavement. "Maverick down!"
"Lana have you honestly thought this through?" Ray asked. "About the whole soulmate thing?"
"I'm thinking over a lot of things right now!" Lana groaned.