Characters: Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester
Pairing : None
Rating : PG
Summary: Dean's got a few things to say about what Sammy's doing as they pursue the thing that killed their mother and Jess and Sammy he wishes that all of this could just be over.
Spoilers: For most of season 1.
Word Count : 805
Feedback: I appreciate constructive criticism above all else.
Disclaimer: None of the Supernatural muses belong to me and I am making no profit out of this, please don't sue me. I don't have the money for a lawyer.
This Ain't Worth It
"The only thing more important to me than revenge is you! You and dad!" His voice shouts, tone desperate and aching with pain. His hands have curled in the collar of Sam's shirt and he knows he ought to let go, his brother's in pain, but he can't. He needs to know this; Sam needs to know that there are better things to be living for than revenge.
Sam just keeps looking at him with all that anger burning deep in his eyes and he looks like he's ready to argue again but something stops him. Maybe it's the fact that Dean's breathing heavily and his eyes are glistening.
When was the last time his brother cried? Actually cried? Sam can't remember.
"Dean, we gotta do this." He pleads, his expression revealing every thought and every emotion. To him, killing this demon, it comes first and everything else comes second. He doesn't understand why the same can't be said for his big brother.
He doesn't move; there's only the smallest twitch and Sam knows his brother's more wounded than he will ever care to admit. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what his brother's thinking in this moment.
"Some things, they ain't worth dying over, Sammy." He manages to say, soft and low, like saying the words is somehow hard. "I can't lose you..." He gasps out as his grip flexes, loosens and tightens, "I can't lose you or dad, I can't." The confession is spoken with a shake of his head and a frustrated movement of Sam against the wall.
Slowly but surely the pieces are coming together, Sam's usually sharp mind has always been a little slow when it comes to Dean. His brother's a walking contradiction, an enigma; he's spent so many years perfecting indifference that sometimes Sam's pulled into the lie and the truth is suddenly hard to decipher.
"Dean," He starts slowly, "Nothing is going to happen to dad or to me," An empty promise maybe but one he knows Dean needs to hear.
"Don't you fucking lie to me," He shouts back.
Sam winces, mostly due to the sound of his brother's voice – so lost, so angry, but mostly because Dean's just forced the back of his skull into the wall. He wonders if Dean's got any idea of how much those tugs hurt but one look tells him that he does, somehow the small infliction of pain is Dean's sick twisted form of revenge.
Dean just keeps looking, like he's trying to decide between letting Sam go and keeping him right where he is. Least if he's in his grip he won't do something stupid, like trying to run back into a burning house. Seriously dude, what the fuck?
Dean's always protected Sam and he made a mistake once, it nearly cost him his baby brother's life and he'll be damned before he makes another mistake. "You and dad, you're willing to die over this, you're willing to throw away everything just so you can get revenge." He's shaking his head again, trying to brush aside the thoughts running rampant through his head. "Fucking selfish sons of bitches, the pair of ya." The last is an acceptance, that this has got to be done and his grip's gone from around Sam's collar.
The heat fades and only the cold remains, Sam can't help but wish for it back, to know he's alive because he can actually feel something. "You know as well as I do that this thing has got to be stopped whether you like how it's done or not."
Why he's still fighting Dean, why he's still insisting that this is more important than living, Sam doesn't really know. Maybe that's what happens when you lose two of the most important women in your life, maybe that's what grief does to you. Maybe he isn't as strong as Dean is; Sam just wants it over with. He's tired and he's done with this life.
"Whatever Sammy," He bites out as he stalks away from Sam and slams the motel door shut as he takes his leave, probably for the night.
Sam licks his lips and groans faintly as he pulls his head away from the wall he's pretty sure has a dent in it from where Dean has pushed him. His big brother, sometimes he doesn't know his own strength or maybe he does and he did all of that on purpose.
There's no way Sam can ever doubt Dean's love for him, the man would walk through fire for him and he knows that no matter how angry his brother is, he'll come back and fight by his side. That's the kind of person Dean is, he's loyal till the end.
Sometimes Sam wishes he could be a little more like his brother.