I don't own Glee or any of the characters.
TRIGGER WARNING: Mention of depression, description of self-harm. Read at your own risk.
Blaine's standing next to the microwave heating up left over spaghetti watching it spin around and around when it hits him. The wave of anxiety and overwhelming self hatred. Blaine keeps replaying their conversations in his head. He thinks about how Kurt's been kind of off lately, and how he mentioned Blaine's eating habits. He even mentioned Eli when they were out with Sam and Artie.
He only does that when he's really upset with me…
Blaine stops the microwave and puts the spaghetti back in the fridge. He doesn't know why this is happening right now, but he can't keep it inside forever.
He goes into the bathroom and takes off his shirt. He looks in the mirror with disappointment.
Look at you, Blaine. A year ago you were in such great shape, better than Kurt. You boxed, you were in Dalton's fight club, you were one of the best dancers in glee club. Now... you're just a mess.
Blaine turns on the shower and waits for it to warm up. He takes off the rest of his clothes and gets in.
His breaths feel heavy as the water hits his face and chest. Blaine lets the warmth spread over his body, feeling a little less numb. He shampoos his hair and then conditions. He washes his body and face, scrubbing maybe a little too hard some places. He rubs his eyes and lets the hot water sting his face. A sob escapes, and another. He just can't hold it in. He sits down, feeling helpless and small. He cries for a while, his head resting on his knees. He looks at the drain, watching the water make it's way down. Eventually the water starts to feel cooler so he stands up, and gets his shaving gel and squeezes some into his hand and rubs it on his face. He sets it down and grabs his razor. He starts shaving and after a few strokes accidentally cuts his neck. He inhales at the pain, touching his neck and seeing the blood on his finger. Seeing the sight reminds him of his days before Dalton. And after Kurt went back to McKinley. And Chandler. Eli….
He lets the blood wash off of his fingers and quickly finishes shaving the rest of his face before he shuts off the water. He gets out and wraps a towel around his waist and dries off his hair with another. He steps back in the shower and grabs his razor. He knows he shouldn't do this, but it's been so long. I deserve it. he thinks as he looks at the shiny metal.
He sits down on the toilet and looks at his arms; you wouldn't be able to notice his scars unless you were really looking for them. He'd done a good job with his scar cream and cocoa butter treatments back in his darker days. He easily takes apart this razor- he's been needing a new one anyway- and looks at the 5 small blades. He picks one up and looks at it. As long as Kurt doesn't see, I'm fine. He puts the tip to his forearm and lightly drags it across. He could feel the small burn on his skin, but no blood came. He didn't want to cut too deep, but he needed a release.
He tries again, this time with more pressure. He drags the blade horizontally across his forearm and a few beads of blood surface. He lets out the breath he didn't realize he was holding in. He hadn't cut since…maybe before he and Kurt got back together? It had been and on and off sort of thing for about 3 years now.
The worst he ever cut was when he first started Dalton and didn't have a lot of friends. He was really sad and alone, and he felt ashamed after Sadie Hawkin's. Once he met Kurt he stopped for a while. Whenever he and Kurt got in a fight or something bad happened it'd flare up again. He had bad scars for almost a year, not a lot of people knew though because of the uniform at Dalton. By the time he started McKinley they faded enough for him to feel comfortable wearing short sleeves. He'd always been kind of insecure about his, well, everything, because he always had competition. There was Cooper, then the guys of glee club, and all the hot, talented gay guys in New York Kurt could see whenever he wanted.
Blaine was still looking at the one cut. Would he be wearing short sleeves soon? He could pass with long sleeves in class…he'd just be on the shirts team during his combat class with Kurt. Since he and Kurt don't live together, he could get away with not taking his shirt off for Kurt. He could just stick with a blowjob or something.
Blaine put the razor to his skin again, swiftly running it across his arm. Blood beaded to the surface. He did this again, and again, and again. There were now about 10 cuts on his right forearm. He leaned back against the toilet and sighed. He knows he shouldn't have done this, but he feels better now.
He rummages through the cabinets and finds some neosporin and a box of bandages. He treats his cuts and gets into his pajamas.
He falls asleep before he thought to text Kurt goodnight.
Author's Note: Thank you for reading! comment or message me if you liked it! :)