We're Governing You: The West Wing: The Musical, a west wing fanfic

We're Governing You

The West Wing: The Musical

Based on Avenue Q

A/N: This is all-filks, based on the amazing musical Avenue Q. The "cast" varies from song to song. And yes, this is complete crack. Enjoy!

Curtain opens on Leo, Jed, Josh, CJ, Toby and Sam standing in front of the White House. CJ has her bad flashback hair, and everyone looks really young and is holding boxes full of office equipment… in other words, they're just moving into the White House.

ALL: What do you with a term in the White House

What are our lives going to be?

Electoral college

And plenty of knowledge

Have earned us this presidency!

We can't pass the bills yet

'cause we have no skills yet!

The world is a big, scary place.

But somehow we can't shake

The feeling we might make

A difference to the human race!

Musical interlude. Everyone starts moving really, really quickly to signfy time is passing. The next time singing starts we're somewhere in Season One.

CJ and TOBY are both walk-and-talk/ walk-and-singing to LEO'S office. CJ is feeling cheerful and perky. Toby is obviously neither.

CJ:

Morning, Toby!

TOBY:

Hi, CJ.

CJ:

How's life?

TOBY

Disappointing!

What's the matter?

TOBY

We had to cut out health-care bill in half to make it pass through Congress.

Oh, I'm sorry!

TOBY

Me too! I mean, look at me!

We've been here for a year, and I

always thought -

What?

TOBY

No, it sounds stupid.

Aww, come on!

TOBY (singing)

When we were running,

I thought we would be...

What?

TOBY

A very different kind of presidency!

But now we're governing

And as you can see

We're not.

Nope!

TOBY

Oh, well.

It sucks to be me.

Nooo.

TOBY

It sucks to be me.

No!

TOBY

It sucks to be bald

and cynical

and turning fourty-three.

It sucks to be me.

You think your life sucks?

TOBY

I think so.

CJ :

Your problems aren't so bad!

I'm kinda pretty

And pretty damn smart.

TOBY

You are.

Thanks!

And when I brief the press

it's practically art!

And as you know

I have a gigantic heart

So why do press leaks keep happening!

Fuck!

It sucks to be me!

TOBY

Me too.

It sucks to be me.

TOBY

It sucks to be me.

It sucks to be Toby...

And CJ...

TOBY

To always be sad!

…and always get blamed!

BOTH

It sucks to be me.

From the bullpen, we hear banter/fighting, an angry voice snapping "I'll pay what I want for my sandwiches- you're not my mother, Donna!" Squabbling as usual, JOSH and DONNA join CJ and TOBY walking to Leo's office.

TOBY

Hey, Josh, Donna, can you

settle something for us?

Do you have a second?

DONNA

Ah, certainly.

Whose life sucks more?

Toby's or mine?

JOSH AND DONNA

Ours!

DONNA

We work together.

JOSH

We're as close as people can get.

DONNA

We've been a should-be couple...

JOSH

…Ever since the day we met.

DONNA

So he knows lots of ways to make me really upset.

Oh, every day is an aggravation.

JOSH

Come on, that's an exaggeration!

DONNA

You leave your mail out.

You put your feet on my chair.

JOSH

Oh yeah?

You have been known to sew

Your name into your underwear!

DONNA

You make that tiny office space that we share

A HELL!

JOSH

So do you!

That's why I'm in hell too!

DONNA

It sucks to be me!

JOSH

No, it sucks to be me!

It sucks to be me!

TOBY

It sucks to be me!

ALL

Is there anybody here

It doesn't suck to be?

It sucks to be me!

CJ: Dadadada!

JOSH: Dadadda!

DONNA: Dadadada!

TOBY: Dadadadaa!

Laughing and dancing, JOSH, TOBY and CJ walk into Leo's office, DONNA staying behind to talk to Margaret. LEO raises his eyebrows at them and smirks:

LEO:

Why are you all so happy?

JOSH

Because our lives suck!

LEO:

Your lives suck?

I'm hearing you correctly? Ha!

I came to this White House,

For opportunities.

Tried to make people's life better

With a big block of cheese!

And with hard work we got Medoza confirmed

That's all we did!

And everyone hates us!

And knows I'm a drug addict!

And my ex-wife just kicked my ass!

And we have lots of bills to pass!

It sucks to be me!

I say it

Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-

Sucks!

It sucks to be me!

SAM enters Leo's office, wearing his trademark idealistic face and looking at his singing co-workers with some shock. Especially Leo.

SAM (spoken)

Excuse me?

TOBY

Hey there.

SAM:

Sorry to bother you, but can we get back to making people's lives better?

LEO

What are you looking at us for?

SAM

Well, I started on Capitol Hill but so far everything is out of my price range. But maybe we could do something!

TOBY

You need to talk to the President! Let me get him.

PRINCETON

Great, thanks!

TOBY

Yo, Mr President!

VOICE FROM OUTSIDE LEO'S OFFICE:

I'm comin'! I'm comin'!

With a fanfare of disco-musik, PRESIDENT BARTLET walks into Leo's office.

SAM:

Oh my God! It's President Bartlet!

PRESIDENT BARLET:

Yes I am!

(sung)

My name's Jed Bartlet,

And everybody knows:

I don't make that much money

But I do know missile codes!

I'm polling bad

And I'm the butt

Of everyone's jokes,

But I'm here -

The Boss of the West Wing!

I'm governing you -

ALL

It sucks to be you.

You win!

ALL

It sucks to be you.

TOBY

I feel better now!

PRESIDENT BARTLET;

Try having people

stopping you to ask you

"What's next?"

It gets old.

ALL/BARTLET

It sucks to be you

I'm governing you!

Sucks to be me

I'm governing you

Sucks to be you

I'm governing you

ALL

Sucks to be us

But not when we're together.

We're together

Here we're governing you!

We spend time governing you!

Our friends do too!

'Til our dreams come true,

We're stuck here governing you!

SAM:

This is real life!

ALL

Because we're governing you

JOSH

You're gonna love it!

ALL

Because we're governing you!

PRESIDENT BARTLET:

What's next?

ALL

We are governing you!