Mallory did something to the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. This is just more nonsense that had to get out of my tiny little mind. Nothing major. Just some musings about…
Mallory The Backstabber
"Oh come on Sylvia," Mallory groaned into the phone as she sat at her desk in her office. "How long are you going to hold onto that grudge? It was twenty years ago! Can't we just let bygones be bygones?"
Mallory rolled her eyes. "So I slept with your husband? It's not like I was the only one! Hello? Hello? Damn it!"
She hung up the phone. "Another call to another bitch I never wanted to talk to again. Which ended with her not wanting to talk to me! Great…"
Mallory closed her eyes and thought back to a time in her life when everything was going her way. The many parties she went to. The many places she'd been. The assignments and prestige she once had.
"Hey Mrs. A! What's shaking?"
"Your necks God willing," Mallory grumbled. She looked at Pam and Cheryl before her. "What?"
"Told you she wasn't dead," Pam said to Cheryl.
"Damn," Cheryl frowned. "Then why were her eyes closed? Were you taking a nap because you're old and tired?"
"The only thing I am tired of is your collective incompetence!" Mallory snapped.
"Told you she was fine," Pam said to Cheryl.
"I was just thinking about my life," Mallory sighed. "Once I ran one of the most powerful spy agencies in the world."
"Really?" Cheryl asked. "When was this?"
"Yeah did you have another agency before ISIS or…?" Pam asked.
"IT WAS…" Mallory composed herself. "My old agency. Whose name was stolen from me…"
"Oh right," Cheryl nodded. "You're too stubborn to say its name again."
"Didn't you technically steal that name from a live action children's program?" Pam asked.
"No, I didn't you…" Mallory growled. Then she composed herself. "I named my agency after a goddess. A powerful goddess."
"A trademarked goddess," Pam quipped.
"Why do I even bother explaining things to you?" Mallory groaned. "I swear every day I think I'd be better off trading you two in for some helper monkeys!"
"You tried that once," Pam pointed out. "Didn't work."
"Only because Sterling screwed it up!" Mallory snapped. "Surprise, surprise. Just like he and all the rest of you idiots screw up everything around here! How else would my life have turned out like this?"
"Really?" Cheryl remarked. "I call it karma."
"Explain yourself," Mallory growled.
"Well I'm the daughter of the Tunt family dynasty," Cheryl said. "Which means I'm a billionaire. I have a brother named Cecil…"
"Not literally!" Mallory shouted.
"Well you should be more clear," Cheryl sniffed.
"I think what Ms. Archer is asking is why we believe that she has pretty much contributed to her own downfall from being a hotshot spymaster," Pam explained. "Which she has."
"Exactly," Mallory growled. "So Pam you'd better do the explanations. This should be worth half a laugh."
"Well for starters you're the one who hired your son and sent him out on missions," Pam said. "Even though he screws up more than half the time. I mean, seriously. Even you have to admit that's partially your fault."
Mallory began to say something. When she was interrupted by a yell. "YES! I AM THE BEER PONG KING! SUCK IT ALL OF YOU!"
"I see your point," Mallory conceded. "All right. What else?"
"You also brought in Krieger," Pam added.
"SQUEEEEE!" A green glowing pig ran by the office door.
"PIGGLY GET BACK HERE!" Krieger ran by. "GET BACK IN THE LAB WHERE YOU BELONG MISTER!"
"And let's face it," Pam said. "He brings in quite a bit of drama too."
"In fact you're the one who hired all of us," Cheryl said. "And kept us all when you could have let us go and hired more qualified people when you had the chance."
"All valid arguments I must admit," Mallory conceded. "Continue."
"You only do assignments when you can get something out of them," Pam added.
"You're cheap," Cheryl added.
"And selfish," Pam added.
"And just plain mean," Cheryl added.
"I am not!" Mallory snapped. "I'm just a tough manager."
"Attila the Hun was a tough manager," Pam remarked. "You're mean."
"That's pretty much why everyone who has ever known or worked with you can't stand to be around with you," Cheryl added.
"That is not true," Mallory huffed.
"Name one friend you still have," Pam challenged.
"Besides Ron or Mr. Archer," Cheryl added.
"Well there's…" Mallory began. "No wait. She's dead. Well there's…No. She's dead too. Of course there was…Oh right."
"Uh huh," Pam nodded.
"How is it my fault all the people I actually liked died?" Mallory snapped.
"Including the ones who got you kicked out of the CIA twice?" Pam asked.
"I was not kicked out of the CIA!" Mallory protested. "Well the first time anyway. I left to create my own agency!"
"After you were kicked out," Cheryl scoffed.
"Again! Not kicked out!" Mallory snapped. "I left because I wasn't getting the opportunities I deserved at the CIA! It was an all boy's club with a glass ceiling thicker than the Berlin Wall! I had to leave!"
"According to Slater you had to leave because you were making up rumors, embezzling from your accounts and screwing around with any man you could get your hands on," Cheryl pointed out.
"Again as I have said before," Mallory glared at them. "I'm not the one who came up with the rumor about Wild Bill Donovan and his adopted daughter! Okay I may have spread it around a little…"
"And you wonder why your contacts have dropped you like a hot potato?" Pam gave her a look.
"Since when did you ever drop any food hot or otherwise?" Mallory snapped.
"Ms. Archer face the fact that's staring you right in your wrinkly old face!" Cheryl snapped. "You're mean to everyone you meet! And talk about them behind their backs the first chance you get!"
"I do not!" Mallory snapped. "Name one person…Besides Trudy Beekman! That woman is an intolerable bitch! She doesn't count!"
"What about Senator Henderson's wife Peggy?" Pam asked. "Remember? The incident with the hooker overdose at the dinner table?"
"I distinctly remember you calling her a fat clueless middle class moron who lucked into a halfway decent marriage with a mediocre idiot who got lucky," Cheryl said.
"And what part of that isn't true?" Mallory asked. "Name another."
"Len Trexler," Pam said. "You were always undermining him. Well when you weren't trying to boink his brains out."
"That was a work thing," Mallory waved.
"That other guy you hit on at the CIA years ago but he turned you down," Cheryl spoke up. "So you ruined his reputation and got him demoted to a black site in Greenland. What was his name?"
"Richard Staffington," Pam told her. "Dick Staff!"
"Trust me," Mallory groaned. "The man lives up to his nickname. And not in the good way."
"Joseph C. Wilson?" Pam asked.
"He owed me money and wouldn't pay up!" Mallory snapped. "But Robert Novak paid for the information I leaked him."
"What about all those women in the American Daughters of the Revolution group you tried to join?" Pam asked. "You burned down their club!"
"I didn't burn down the club," Mallory said. "I only bugged it to learn some information. The bugs were faulty and they caught fire. That was Krieger's fault."
"How about that woman that was married to that lacrosse coach you slept with?" Pam asked.
"She slept with my son first!" Mallory snapped. "I was just getting even."
"What about that lady whose cat you killed?" Cheryl asked. "Mrs. Appletree?"
"I didn't kill her cat on purpose!" Mallory snapped. "The damn thing just ran in front of my car out into the street! The fact that Mrs. Appletree is a stuck up cow was beside the point."
"You didn't even stop," Pam said. "You just drove on."
"I was late to a hair appointment," Mallory let out a breath. "For all the good it did me that day. Should have ran over my so called stylist instead."
"You got her fired didn't you?" Pam asked.
"What was I supposed to do?" Mallory snapped. "She gave me bangs!"
"What about Mrs. Greenway?" Cheryl asked.
"That woman has had a nervous condition for years!" Mallory sniffed. "Of course she'd have a mental breakdown!"
"Because you put a severed swan's head in her mailbox!" Pam snapped.
"Why did you do that?" Cheryl asked.
"Oh who remembers?" Mallory shrugged.
"Do you remember why you did it to Mrs. Mandelbaum?" Pam asked.
"Yes," Mallory sniffed. "She blocked my application to her women's league."
Pam rolled her eyes. "So basically you were behind what is now known now as the Society Swan Head Scare. Which luckily for you was never solved."
"I only did it to Greenway, Mandelbaum and Beekman!" Mallory snapped. "All those others were copycats!"
"I did two of them," Cheryl admitted. "Just a couple of bitches from high school that were mean to me."
"See?" Mallory pointed to Cheryl.
"Ms. Archer," Pam groaned. "You know the slogan. Glue Maniac see, Glue Maniac do."
"Yeah!" Cheryl snapped.
"Who are you two idiots to talk?" Mallory snapped. "You not only badmouth me behind my back, but to my face!"
"And you really don't see the connection do you?" Pam gave her a look.
Mallory glared at Pam. "You are going to see a connection with the bullets in my gun and your fat mouths if you don't get out of here!"
"Tease!" Cheryl pouted before she turned and left. Pam shrugged and went after her.
"Idiots!" Mallory shouted after them. She stormed to the door and slammed it after them for effect. "I never should have kept them! I should have kept my old head of Human Resources and replaced Cheryl with a sponge!"
Mallory thought. "I wonder if I call Antonia she might want a job…? Oh wait. I had her deported. Damn it."