The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters was taken by AJ and she won't give it back. This is just mad fluff from my tiny deranged mind. Besides we need more Archer stories on this site! So here is…
Archer Daycare
"Okay AJ here's another one," Archer was on the floor of his office with his daughter. There were stuffed toys all around. He was holding some handmade flashcards. "S is for Suitcase Bomb!"
There was a picture of a tiny bomb in a suitcase. "Now here's the story kiddo," Archer went on. "Not so long ago the KGB sent out super-secret agents to places all over America and hid tiny nuclear devices inside of a suitcase. Hence the term suitcase bomb. The problem is apparently they lost the access codes. So they were never detonated."
AJ gurgled. "I don't know how," Archer admitted. "Katya told me it was Jakov's fault. Apparently he wasn't a very organized leader of the KGB. Wouldn't surprise me if your grandma stole them. She steals everything else."
"Anyway these suitcase bombs are scattered all over the country somewhere and no one can find them. But I bet you can one day!"
"What…" Lana sighed as she walked into the room. "In the name of all that is stupid, are you doing?"
"I'm using flashcards to teach AJ about spying," Archer grinned. "Because one day she's going to be a kick ass spy like her old man!"
"Okay here's everything wrong with that statement," Lana sighed "A, you are no longer a spy. B, when you were a spy, you were barely adequate at best."
"Jealous much?" Archer scoffed.
"C," Lana went on. "I'm not so sure I want AJ to be a spy like we were."
"Well obviously she'll be better at it than we were," Archer said. "Come on. It's just simple logic. I was a better spy than my mother."
"Eehhhh…" Lana remarked.
"And with our genes of course AJ is going to be a kick ass spy," Archer scoffed. "How could she not be? Only she'll be a better shot than you because I'm going to teach her how use a gun."
"What do you mean by that remark?" Lana snapped.
"Uh, you tell me Ms. Spray and Pray?" Archer mocked.
"At least I never shot any of my co-workers by accident when I was drunk out of my gourd!" Lana snapped.
"Brett doesn't count," Archer waved. "Everybody shot Brett at least once. Even Cyril."
"But you shot him the most," Lana pointed out. "And in the stupidest ways."
"Is it my fault Brett was such a good target?" Archer asked.
"Yes," Lana groaned. "The point is Archer I do not want you teaching our daughter about suitcase bombs!"
"Hey, better she hears it from us than from on the streets!" Archer protested.
"How would she learn about suitcase bombs from the streets?" Lana asked incredulously.
"It's become an urban legend Lana!" Archer told her. "You know like that cat in the dryer? Or the alligators in the sewers. Which actually that does happen! Only, you know? Most of the alligators don't survive the flushing."
"Archer…." Lana sighed.
"It depends on the city and how polluted their sewers are," Archer added. "Not to mention climate also plays in as a factor."
"Really rethinking bringing our daughter into work every now and then in order to save money," Lana groaned.
"Like New York for example," Archer went on. "It's freezing cold in the winter. Even in the sewers. Alligators need a warmer climate all year to survive. Let alone breed and build a congregation of alligators."
"Archer…"
"That's the correct term for a group of alligators," Archer said to AJ. "A congregation!"
"Archer as much as I love that you're taking an interest in your daughter's education," Lana sighed. "This isn't what I had in mind."
"Actually according to Krieger the cold is a moot point," Archer said. "Apparently a lot of the sewer pipes are too small to have a gator pass through. They'd get stuck and die."
"I'm also rethinking the fact if I want another child to use a completely different donor's sperm," Lana groaned. "Archer…"
"Now Miami," Archer said. "That's a completely different story! Not only is the climate perfect for a congregation to thrive but the sewer pipes…"
"Archer for the love of God stop!" Lana shouted. "Just please stop!"
Then AJ began to cry. "Way to go Lana!" Archer snapped. "You made AJ cry!"
"I didn't…" Lana let out a groan of frustration.
"Some mother! Making your child cry," Archer remarked. "Are you taking parenting lessons from my mother?"
"Leave me out of this!" Mallory was heard shouting.
"There, there AJ," Archer picked up his daughter and stood up. "Did Mommy…? WHOA! Ugh! AJ! That smell!"
"I think I have an alternative explanation to why our daughter is crying," Lana's nose wrinkled from the smell.
"Oh god! What did you feed her?" Archer winced from the smell.
"Just formula and applesauce!" Lana said.
"How can formula and applesauce create that?" Archer winced. "I once smelled a corpse flower and it didn't smell that bad! Hell I've smelled actual corpses that didn't smell that bad! Take her!"
"Nooooooooooope," Lana backed away.
"Lana, take the baby…" Archer held AJ away from him.
"Your turn," Lana told him.
"But…" Archer sputtered.
"You want to be a more hands on father?" Lana gave him a look. "Now's your chance."
"But there's no changing table in the men's room," Archer protested.
"The use the ladies' room," Lana said. "Although I never saw one in there."
"Yeah there isn't one in there either," Archer grumbled.
"Well you're not doing it in the breakroom," Lana told him. "Or Cyril's office. Again!"
"Why not?"
"Because," Lana glared at him. "I don't want to spend another afternoon listening to Cyril whine about how you're teaching the next generation of Archers to bully him!"
"Well I'm not putting her on my desk!" Archer whined. "Or the carpet! This isn't our old office in New York."
"As long as she's changed and safe," Lana left the room. "Not my problem."
"But…" Archer whined.
"Noooooooooope!" Lana said as she left.
"Okay maybe I can use someone else's…?" Archer began.
SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! SLAM!
"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!" Mallory was heard shouting.
"Fine!" Archer snapped. "Thanks a lot assholes! Okay…What to do? What to do? Ah ha!"
Five minutes later…
"If there's no changing table in the men's room," Archer said as he changed AJ. "Make one of your own!"
Actually it was a blanket on the floor of the men's room. Archer had AJ's bag with her. "Whoo!" He took the diaper and threw it in a nearby trash can. "Two points! Archer scores!"
"Now to get you nice and clean," Archer went back to work. "A little wipe here. Hey stop squirming! A wipe there. And…Ah ha!"
He picked AJ up and managed to hit the blow dryer on the wall with his elbow. "There we go!" Archer said as he blow dried AJ's behind. "Nice and fresh!"
AJ giggled with glee. "I thought you'd like that!" Archer grinned. "Is Daddy a genius or what? Actually I saw this in a movie once. But it works! Michael Keaton really is one of the greatest actors of our time."
A few minutes later…
"Okay now you're all cleaned up," Archer said. "Which means I have to feed you now and start the cycle all over."
They were in the break room. AJ was in a high chair with a bib around her neck. Archer was sitting at the table with some jars of food and some Cheerios. "Okay AJ…" Archer poured a few bits of the cereal in front of her. "Cheerios! Yummy!"
"Chee-oooos!" AJ chirped. She picked some up and threw them at Archer.
"No AJ," Archer sighed. "We don't throw the cereal. Unless it's at Cyril. Or Pam. And with Pam she's usually hungry anyway and that's how she prefers to eat it. But…No."
AJ threw some more cereal at him. "Oh I get it," Archer said. "You're doing the whole, 'Let's Throw Cereal at Daddy' bit. Well it's not going to work. I just simply won't give you any more cereal. Unless you promise to behave."
AJ threw another bit of cereal. "Not going to work." He folded his arms.
Another piece of cereal hit him. "Good aim, but not gonna happen."
Archer looked at AJ triumphantly. "And now you're out of cereal! HA! Once again AJ, Daddy has proven that he is smarter and…"
SPLAT!
Archer sighed. Strained peaches were on his face and clothes. "In hindsight I probably shouldn't have put those jars of food so close to your high chair."
SPLAT!
"Yeah okay, you want a war?" Archer glared at his daughter. "Fine! Cry havoc and let slip the Cheerios of War!" He picked up the box of cereal and poured it on his daughter's head.
AJ squealed with delight. "Yes! YES! Submit to my superior cereal bomb!" Archer cackled. "HA HA HA HA!"
"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
Archer looked at Lana who was glaring at them both. "Archer what is this? You're supposed to feed her!"
"I am."
"Not like that!" Lana snapped. "You're making a mess!"
"She started it!" Archer pointed to AJ.
"Wonderful…" Lana groaned. "I'm raising two children!"