LIST: Babies; Beans; clothes; water; bunny; money; book; desk; happy; movement.
A/N: Yup! Another Random fic by yours truly. This one has even less of a point that the others…so…close your eyes and have fun!
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, any of the characters, plotlines, etc, and I make no profit whatsoever. JK Rowling, as ever, is Supreme Ruler Of All.
Don't Mess With Magic Beans
Draco looked nervously over at Harry, who looked back at Draco, equally nervous.
Those Beans were mean.
Harry glanced at Draco again, nervous, and Draco looked back at Harry, equally nervous.
We're were in deep shit this time, they both thought rather apprehensively.
"Maybe no one will notice it?" Harry asked, somewhat hesitantly.
Draco rolled his eyes, praying for guidance from the gods. As usual, they didn't listen to him and he was left stranded.
"Sure, and you know, maybe next time we'll keep Hagrid's little brother in our front yard, just as an ornament, a really big gnome?" Draco sneered. "Totally ordinary, Harry."
Harry pouted. "Just trying to be optimistic."
"Optimistic!? OPTIMISTIC!?" Draco screeched, ahem, calmly yelled. "It's completely your fault that we're in this predicament! What are we supposed to do, Harry!? WHAT!? I don't think that if we ignore it, it'll just go away! I don't know what's going to happen when the Muggles see it…"
"Well…" Harry muttered. "How was I supposed to know they were magic Beans?"
"How…how were you supposed to know?" Draco repeated, dumbfounded. "You're a Wizard, and…and you weren't supposed to know they were magic Beans? Did you learn anything at school, you dolt?!"
"But – but –"
"'But – but - '," Draco mimicked. "Harry! Those were MAGIC BEANS! You bought them from DIAGON ALLEY, in A FUCKING MAGIC SHOP! They wereboundto be magical, and if you had bothered to read the instructions on the packet, you would have noticed that if you watered them too much that this would happen!"
Harry looked away, embarrassed. "Okay, fine! You win!" He conceded. "I did a stupid thing and I'm sorry. Now will you help me fix this, please?"
Draco had the decency not to look to smug. "You're forgiven." He gave Harry a small peck on the lips. "Now, what to do about this giant beanstalk…"
He gave Harry a mischievous, devilish smile. The one Harry loved in the bedroom, but made him nervous the rest of the time.
"What are you thinking…?"
"I'm thinking we should have a little fun, Harry." Draco murmured, a happy tone in his voice.
"A little…fun?" Harry asked.
"Yeah…" Draco's eyes had gone bright, and the faraway look that he got when plotting an evil plot came to him.
"Like what?"
"Like…" Draco left his unformed sentence hanging.
Making a split decision, Draco ran towards the Bean stalk and jumped atop the nearest branching leaf.
"Race you to the top!" He shouted gleefully down at Harry.
"Draco! What are you doing?!" Harry called, aghast. "What if the Muggles see? What if the Ministry find out?" But it seemed Draco couldn't hear him, having climbed several spans and left ear-shot.
"Great, just great…" Harry muttered, and followed his crazed boyfriend up the giant Bean stalk he had (totally by accident) grown in his front yard, where any passing Muggle could see it.
"Oh, look Draco!" Harry called. "A bunny! I love bunnies!" he proceeded to chase after the bunny, much to Draco's chagrin.
"Harry!" Draco yelled. "What are you doing!? Leave that innocent creature alone!"
It occurred to Draco that Harry didn't hear him. He pouted.
"Harrrrrryyyyyyyyy!" He wasn't whining, by the way.
"But Draco, I want to catch it and feed it and call it my own and give it a bunny palace with bunny slippers and bunny hats and other bunny stuff!"
"But Harry-" Draco cut his sentence off, realising Harry's words. "What?"
"Can you imagine it, Draco? Bunny clothes!!" Harry's eyes were sparkling as he crouched next to the bush the bunny had disappeared under. "Imagine the money we'd make! Bunny coats and bunny robes and bunny boots and bunny gloves and…"
Draco stared blankly at him as he continued listing different types of bunny clothing. He was snapped out of his somewhat scared, somewhat freaked out state of mind by the entrance of the giant.
"Ooh…hey, I think the bunny's gonna come out, get ready to pounce, Draco!" Harry told him, breaking his mantra of bunny clothing.
"Fe, fi, fo, fum." A great voice boomed through the clearing, making Draco jump in fright. "I smell the…blood of a - dang, how did the rhyme go again?"
Draco shrugged. The giant looked at Draco, somewhat sadly.
"Oh, well. I never cared for it anyway."
Draco looked at the simple-minded creature pityingly (never mind that it sounded coherent). Its clothes were ug-ly.
"Harry, my love, my dearest, heart of my heart – would you come over here?" Draco sang to Harry, who was still kneeling at the bushes with the as yet still hidden bunny.
"Yes, Draco, hun?" Harry didn't move, but turned his emerald eyes to his lover.
"Fe, fi, fo, fum! I'm gonna clomp you's guys 'cause I'm bored!!" The giant stomped over to where Draco was standing, swinging his giant-sized club.
Draco sighed, wondering if it had been such a good idea to climb the beanstalk after all…
"Harry! There's a giant after me!" Draco whined, not moving from where he stood, but also making no movement to grab his wand (he'd actually left it at home on his desk) – or any other kind of defence.
"That's nice, baby." Harry called out, his face once more in the bush, trying to coax out the bunny.
Draco pouted and stamped his foot. He looked at the giant, who was almost upon him. He glared at it.
The giant stopped short, confused by the glare. Shouldn't he be cowering in fear? Begging for his life?
"You'd better not ruin these trousers, giant. They're custom made!" Draco yelled at the puzzled giant. "Though why I climbed up that stalk in them is a mystery to me…"
The giant's tiny brain felt like it was buzzing into overdrive.
"And, really, look at all that muck on that stalk – I could have stained my shirt! Foolishness! What was I thinking?" Draco was muttering to himself, still.
"Honey muffin!" he called out suddenly, causing both Harry and the giant to start. "Are you going to defend my life, or not?"
Harry looked at him blankly for a moment, and then he registered the giant standing three feet in front of Draco, his beady little eyes bugging out.
"Oh, sure." Harry Potter, Saviour of the Wizarding World, stood up, took a step forwards and flourished his wand.
Harry took a deep breath, preparing a spell in his mind to get rid of the giant quickly – and promptly gasped as the bunny, perceiving the presence outside its bush to have moved away, took advantage of its absence to dart away.
"Bunny!" Harry cried in despair. He dropped his wand and went after it. "Bunny! Come back! I want to be your friend!"
Draco watched his boyfriend run off into the distance, getting lost among the many clouds. He sighed.
Shifting, Draco observed the giant for a few moments, wondering what he should do.
"So…"
The giant blinked.
"You like…flowers?" the giant blinked again. "Poetry? Books? Perhaps you've heard of this quaint little Muggle story about a boy named Jack and a Beanstalk – much like this one!"
Blink. Blink.
"Are you into food? I've very refined taste, myself. My mother always said the House Elves had a hard time cooking meals to my satisfaction. Do you have a favourite dish?"
The giant blinked. "Uh…I like…babies. Supple. Easy to chew – or for a snack."
Draco stared at the giant. "I can't say I've ever tried it."
The giant gaped openly at Draco. Draco gaped openly at the giant. An awkward silence.
Draco wondered if it would be considered rude to ask a giant if it were going to eat him any time soon. He tried to see Harry in the distance, but he was still missing.
"So…"
The giant keeled over with a great, resounding 'thud'.
Draco was at a loss. What happened?
The bunny hopped onto the giant's stomach, nibbling at a carrot.
Where did that come from? Draco thought.
Harry came into view, puffing and sweating. He was evidently still chasing the bunny.
"Bunny!" The rabbit's ears pricked up.
"Buuunnnnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyyy!!"
Draco closed his eyes. Harry scooped the poor creature into his arms.
"Bunny! Yay!"
Draco scowled and started climbing back down the stalk, bored with his adventure. Giants weren't any fun.
Harry climbed down after him, his wand in his pocket and the bunny secure in one of his arms, the other hand free to aid his climb down.
"I hate bunnies." Draco muttered to himself.
THE END