Sueabilatation

by Feana Puddlefoot.

Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings is not mine, obviously.

NOTES: Consider this my way of recovering from the end of the Essential Guide to Mary-Sue which I'm very sad to let go off (and am tempted to cling to).

 The room was dark.

 This was because there was no light in it.

 This was because the inhabitant of the room was afraid to see what else resided in the room.

 This was because he was scared stiff that it might be his worst fear, other than bug repellent.

 Mary-Sue.

 'She walks in beauty, like the night..' the Elf mumbled listlessly. 'Where is that from, anyway? I know it sounds familiar. Did I just make it up? I don't think I did.'

 'Lord Byron.'

 Legolas shrieked. 'Who's there? And why are you calling me Lord Byron?'

 A flame flickered on to one of the candles and a dirty face was brought into the small light. 'My name is Aragorn. I'm also known as Estel, Elessar, Elfstone and a few other names. Have we met?'

 Legolas blinked. 'Maybe. I think I've seen you before.'

 Aragorn bit his lip. 'Some war.. about jewellery or something like that, I think, wasn't it?'

 'The War of the Ring?'

 'Whatever. Anyway, you were reciting a Lord Byron poem. Written sometime during 1875, I think.'

 'But that would mean he hasn't been born yet.'

 '… shut up.' Aragorn leaned back against the wall. 'So, I take it you're here because of the Sues? We've all been driven mad, you know.'

 'We?'

 'The other men, and I.'

 Legolas breathed a sigh of relief. 'Oh, I see.'

 'And the voices in my head, of course.'

 Legolas bolted up.

 He touched his lip nervously. 'The voices?'

 Aragorn sounded annoyed. 'Yes, well, when you have as many names as myself, you start to assign them to different voices in your head. Do you have a problem with that, Sparky?'

 'Um, no. Of course not.'

 'Good.'

 Aragorn started to pick dirt out of his hair idly. Legolas wrinkled his nose and watched him in silent disgust.

 'Which Sue drove you over the edge, then?' Aragorn muttered.

 Legolas sighed. 'Her name was Lowyn. She had raven black tresses which seemed to shine with an inner fire and eyes like cut diamonds. Her father was forcing her to marry some other Elf against her will and she ran away to Mirkwood, where she found me. We fell in love under a starry sky.'

 'Poor you.'

 'Mmm.'

 'For me,' Aragorn paused to look at Legolas meaningfully. 'It was some previously unmentioned sister of Arwen, who I couldn't resolve my hidden passion for, and ended up having a lot of sexual tension with until I finally bedded her and Arwen walked in on it to tell me that she was in love with Glorfindel anyway.'

 Legolas made a face. Aragorn mirrored it.

 At this moment, a tall man in a white coat pushed open the door and looked at them, with one raised eyebrow.

 'Still insane, I see.'

 Aragorn stuck his tongue out. 'Still got your head up your backside, I see.'

 The man coughed. 'I'll pretend I didn't hear that.'

 'I'll repeat it.'

 'Don't.'

 Legolas watched the two men as they fought to give eachother a look filled with more disgust and hatred. Eventually Aragorn looked away, snorting with derision.

 'Welcome to the Middle-Earth Asylum for the Treatment of Insanity by Sues,' said the man, holding out a hand to Legolas. 'I'm Boromir, your personal guardian and I'll be making sure you don't bash your brains out against any unpadded walls, and that none of the other prison- I mean, patients, beat you up. From now on, this-' and he gestured to the bare cell that was devoid of any colour other than magnolia and grey, '-is your home.'

 Legolas closed his eyes in utter despair.

 'New patient, Father. His name is Legolas and he's blonde.'

 'Explains a lot. Isn't his father in the Middle-Earth Asylum for the Treatment of Insanity by Out-of-Characterness?' said Denethor, jotting down Legolas' name on the register.

 'Thranduil? Yes, I think he is. Top patient. Completely bonkers,' Boromir grinned, sitting down next to Denethor.

 'I'd be bonkers too if I was characterized as completely hating one of my sons,' mumbled Denethor.

 Faramir coughed loudly. Denethor looked at him.

 'Maybe just you, Boromir.'

 'Alright.' Boromir stood up. 'Shall I inform Legolas of his treatment?'

 'What's his treatment?' said Faramir. Denethor ignored him, and spoke as if Boromir had asked the question.

 'First he's to be given counselling. If that doesn't work, we can just get someone to beat him up. Knock some sense into his head. Quite literally.'

 Faramir sighed. 'You tried that with Haldir. He just got paranoid and feared for his life and then became addicted to painkillers.'

 Denethor ignored him again.

 Boromir turned to Faramir. 'Haldir's just odd. He's always been odd. Perhaps Legolas will have a better reaction.'

 'I'm so glad you're my son,' Denethor said, smiling proudly at Boromir.

 In a far away cell, the Elf known as Haldir screamed and kicked the wall. 'Stop giving me looks!' he yelled. 'I know you're after me! I know! I know! I know!'