Note,

I'd like to thank the people who have inspired me to write this. Harmonic friction who wrote "Recall When Alice was Young" and a sort of prequel to it, "Ask Alice When She's Ten Feet Tall" which is a Dudley Dursley fan fic and his life in Privet drive. Its one of the best stories I have ever read in my life and I love how Dudley really became a three dimensional person in it. I know my writing is nothing compared to it, but hell, I try.

And to my brother Thane, for being so funny and random. And my best friend Krista who never fails to keep my inner cruelty alive.

Thank you!

Funny weird HP fan fic

Harry and Dudley finally are getting along, and now that they're of age, Harry's going to help Dudley ass whip the girl who cheated on Dudley.

Rated T for bad language and sexual references

Harry was quiet as he sat in the Dursley's spotless living room, sprawled on the easy chair, smoking a cigarette. He exhaled and watched the smoke drift up towards the dark ceiling. It was about ten or eleven at night. Petunia and Vernon were spending the weekend at Marge's and both Dudley and Harry had begged off. Dudley wanted to spend as much time as possible snogging his bratty little girlfriend Michelle. And Harry wanted to just sit and think and smoke in peace.

It was Friday, mid July, hot, and boring. Dudley was out; Harry didn't expect him to come home until around one or so. He didn't mind.

Dudley and he were on better terms than they had ever been. They spoke civilly to each other and even chatted and laughed together a couple of times. However, Dudley still hung out with his friends without inviting Harry along, and though Harry was bored and lonely for his friends at Hogwarts, he liked the peace and quiet. Though he couldn't lie and say he didn't wish Dudley would share his weed with him. They weren't that close.

Harry was thinking about Ginny's ass and Quidditch when the back door opened and he heard Dudley lumber in. Harry didn't move, he was in no hurry to rise up from his comfortable position and happy thoughts.

Then, Harry heard a strange and frightening noise. Crying. Dudley was in the kitchen, crying. Harry couldn't see him but knew that the muffled sobs belonged to his cousin. He slowly stubbed out his cigarette under the lamp, and went to the kitchen. Dudley was sitting on the floor, beside the sink, knees splayed out, hands in face, weeping heartbrokenly. Harry felt himself beginning to freak out. What the hell was he supposed to do?

"Dud?" Harry began cautiously, staying where he was. Dudley looked up with blurry red-rimmed eyes.

"Wot the fuck do'ya want?" he demanded hoarsely.

"Ahh," Harry licked his lips, "Um, you alright?" Lame, but that's all he could come up with at the spur of the moment. Dudley shook his head, and attempted to wipe his face with his tee-shirt sleeve, which is harder than it looks.

Harry sidled forward and lifted himself up onto the counter, where he could see Dudley better. He saw that Dudley's left cheek had a long scratch on it, and his pants had dusty grass stains on them.

Weird.

"Um, what happened?" Harry asked, hoping he sounded both concerned and polite.

Dudley sighed, "Nothing," Harry felt a stab of annoyance, "Fuck that, Dud, you're not dirty and crying for nothing!" he said.

His large cousin glared at him for a second before saying with a strange and foreign weakness, "Michelle is a fucking cheat."

Harry didn't exactly get it, "What, she's seeing someone else?" Dudley shrugged, "I guess."

"What do you mean?" Harry asked again. Dudley traced patterns on the linoleum with his thick finger. "She's supposed to be on me, yo." He mumbled.

"Ok," Harry said abruptly, trying to piece it together. "Is she sleeping with someone else or some other skanky shit?"

Dudley nodded, and Harry felt a new loyalty for his anguished relative. "That whore! Tell me what happened!"

Encouraged by Harry's outrage, Dudley began.

"Ok, so, like you know. Michelle and I have been getting together all summer so far. And she's like mine, you know, she's my girl. Anyone who messes with her, I'd have to fuck them up, ya know?"

Harry nodded invitingly. "Of course."

Dudley continued, "So, she tells me she loves me and shit. Course, I don't feel the same way, but whatever, she's mine. So, I'm going to her house, and while I'm walking and stuff, I'm thinking about her, and how hott she is. And how I love her laugh, and her clothes, and the way she smells, and the way she moans when I…"

Harry waved his arm haltingly, "Stop, stop. Don't wanna hear that shit. Get to the cheating."

Dudley consented, "So, I'm walking and finally kinda figuring out that maybe I love her. Her mom's always working so I open the back door to her house and go in. And no ones around so I go upstairs and she was in the loo, in the tub, humping some guy on top!"

Harry gasped, "What'd you do?" Dudley winced and shook his head again, "Didn't know what to so. Couldn't say one damn word, too embarrassed, too hurt. This is so lame but it hurt!" and Dudley broke down into fresh tears.

Harry was shocked. "Did you recognize the guy?" he wanted to know.

Dudley nodded, "That's the worst part! It was Piers!"

"PIERS?" Harry half screamed in indignation.

"I KNOW!" Dudley wailed back. Harry hoisted himself off the counter and knelt by his cousin.

"You know what this means, Dud?"

"No, what?"

"It means," Harry said enthusiastically, "We have to fuck them up!" Dudley's sad blue eyes brightened a bit. "How?"

"Well, we could always snag the little shit and beat him to a jelly." Harry suggested manically, feeling horribly guilty about almost enjoying this drama. This was the kinda drama he liked. People cheating, snogging, revenge and no one dying.

Dudley pursed his lips in thought, "Yeah, and then rape Michelle and electrocute her to death with one Dad's drills and an extension cord." He offered.

Harry nodded again, "Show her what happens when she fucks with Big D.," he said vehemently. Dudley sighed gustily, "We did fuck," he said wistfully, "and her tight round little t-"

"Stop!" Harry roared.

"Fine." Dudley replied moodily.

They sat in companionable silence for a moment or two.

Until, Harry got an idea. A brilliant, wicked, painfully obvious idea.

Nevertheless, Harry felt like a genius.

"Dud." He said. "I know what we can do."

"I like the electrocution idea." Dudley complained.

"We'll do that some other time." Harry said impatiently.

"Ok, what's the plan?" Dudley asked, wiping his nose.

"Harry pulled his wand from his jean pocket and waved it tantalizing in his Dudley's face. Dudley went white with horror. "Put that away!" he squealed, cowering.

"No, Dud, I'm not gonna hex you, you blithering idiot. I'm gonna hex Miss Titless Michelle and Piers the Prickhead." Harry grinned.

Dudley's face went from a horrified expression, and then it sunk into a positively evilly delighted one. "Excellent!" he said.

"Good word usage, Dud!" Harry complimented him.

"Thanks, I try." Dudley said modestly. Then, "We have to make sure no one sees, or finds out." He warned Harry, who shrugged. "No deal, I've done this kinda stuff loads of times! I'm super stealthy." He informed Dudley.

"Great, when do we start?"

Chapter 2 is coming! Revenge is theirs!!