He had betrayed them.
Colby had been doing it for his country, for the greater good, he had been assured. His undercover work had exposed a leak in the DOJ and saved lives. But the fact remained; Colby Granger had betrayed his team.
He didn't know how he would ever work up the courage to walk back into the bullpen, even if it was just temporarily. Colby didn't want to see their faces, didn't want to know whether or not they had forgiven him. Sometimes not knowing was better.
Their reactions still haunted him. Don looking at him with accusing eyes, interrogating him. But all the while he knew the lead agent was still trying to reconcile with himself the fact that the man he had worked with for two years, trusted for two years, was a spy for the Chinese. Don's disbelief had seeped into his voice, despite how hard he had tried to conceal it.
Megan had followed David as he charged into the room. The hurt on her face was impossible to hide. He knew she had been profiling, just like he'd seen her do so many times to criminals. And now him. Colby knew she was already shaken from her assignment, and what he'd done hadn't helped. If she left he would blame himself.
He guessed it was good that Charlie and the rest of the Cal-Sci group, along with Alan, weren't there. That would only make things harder. He had been invited into Charlie's home, treated as a friend, and trusted above many by them. No, their presence would make everything worse.
Then there was David. The way his former friend had burst into the room, demanding to know just how long Colby had been lying to the team, to everyone, made him wonder what David was seeing. He had been his parter, closer to him then anyone else on the team. And now that was all over. David had accused him of being not only a spy, as if that wasn't bad enough, but a traitor. From David's perspective it would have been reasonable. From anyone's perspective it would have been reasonable.
He had known when David was accusing him that it wasn't just about the fact that he had been spying on his country, but on his friends. His so-called friends, at least. That he had become a part of their lives, trusted, accepted, and he had shown all of that to be a lie. And in David's face, in his body language, but most of all, in his eyes, he had seen that. Something that had gone unspoken with everyone. How Colby Granger could have kept something like this hidden for so long. How he could have gotten so close to all of them, and all of it was a lie.
Colby had never seen David cry before, and he could count the number of times the agent had completely lost control of his emotions on one hand. Colby knew that he was responsible for this, that he was the one causing his friends so much pain. Looking into David's tear-filled eyes, Colby had seen his reflection. He hated the way that nothing of what was going on inside him had shown in his face. How his face was no longer one that he knew. This stranger's expression had betrayed none of the pain that he was feeling. That face remained too impassive, too emotionless. And he hated that person in the reflection.
It took everything that Colby had not to break. Not to just tell his team what he was doing, that he had no choice, that he wasn't a spy. The mask he had shaped his face into couldn't slip no matter how hard it was to keep in place.
He remained rigid when David shoved him, watched as Don dragged the agent out of the room. Megan turned to him angrily. You were just trying to buy time for yourself.
He wished it hadn't come to this.