Will I Survive Academy?

Summary: What would you do if you were locked in a classroom with a Machiavellian schemer for a "teacher", a British MI5 agent, a crazed Jashinist, a murder-intent Gaara, three girls who carry knives to protect their "virtues" and lastly, the Self-Insert who has to somehow be involved in this INSANITY? "I need serious help." AU. Crack fic. Highschool fic. Two-Shot.

A/N: Here I am back with even more craziness, hilariousness and disturbing ideas! :D

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

Will I Survive Academy?

Written by 10ShizukaYuukiMistress10

"If you try to bite her again, Orochimaru, I will personally cut you up and feed your pieces to Kiba's wolf-dog!" Someone shouted.

"Nonsense! Dogs don't eat human remains. Mostly. You should have learnt this during Cannibal class!"

"Cannibalism isn't even a subject! This is physics class, teacher!"

A knife flew through the air and barely missed the class teacher, a tall man with long raven-black hair and hard set reptilian eyes. He stepped away from the desk of the petrified girl with long, indigo hair and pretty translucent eyes whom he had been tormenting.

"I only wanted a little taste of her! Is that really so—"

"YES!" Everyone in the room erupted in unison, save the less outspoken students. That included Gaara, Shino, Sasuke and a few others. "THAT'S BAD! NOT TO MENTION DISGUSTING!"

"E-Everyone... I-I can handle him myself." Whispered the indigo-haired beauty quietly. Then, to everyone's utter shock, she pulled out a butcher knife from underneath her desk and pointed it at Orochimaru. "S-Stay away from me, you creep!"

"Go Hinata!" Kiba cheered.

"I've had enough of you scoundrels! I'll bite any one of you whenever I feel like it."

Two other females appeared beside Hinata holding knives.

Orochimaru quickly did a double-take.

"Why do all you girls carry knives? I shall have to confiscate them from you and you can collect them at the end of the lesson... oh, wait. I take that back. You may need them to incapacitate Kakashi. Operation: Overthrow the Headmaster. Cutting off one or two of his limbs should suffice: maybe his arm and foot."

Hinata quirked an eyebrow at her teacher. "W-Why are you so obsessed with mutilating Headmaster Kakashi?"

Orochimaru just smirked coldly. "Time will tell." He purred, backing towards the classroom door mysteriously. "What lesson is this again?"

"Physics...!" Someone yelled. "You should know this!"

"I see. Well, I will be back in a few minutes to teach you all something... much better." Orochimaru's eyes glittered.

"Isn't that illegal, just teaching us whatever he likes?" A brown-haired girl asked, watching as their teacher disappeared behind the door. She had already gotten bored of playing the Knife Game on her toes repeatedly with her eyes closed. "And leaving a class full of lunatics unattended?"

"JASHIN DEMANDS SACRIFICES!" Hidan screeched. "NOW GET IN A LINE SO THAT I CAN KILL YOU ALL!"

"Shut up or I will teach you the true meaning of pain." Pain whispered. He was an ominous student with spiky auburn hair, multiple piercings, at least three girls sprawled across his lap and a handheld tattoo device in his hand. He dragged it over the bosom of the girl closest to him. "I'm tattooing on a poem for this lovely lady." He said, earning an excited squeal from the giddy purple-haired girl. "Quit screaming so that I can concentrate, Hidan." He sighed.

"What's your name again?" Pain inquired enticingly, looking closely at her. She chuckled.

"Konan... and I like your hands. They're so..." She trailed off, gazing deeply into his mysterious eyes.

Love at First Sight.

"I hate you all so much I could just strangle someone..." Gaara murmured absently, his low, guttural voice barely audible over the commotion. Extraordinarily, everyone in the room went silent as he slid his dangerous emerald eyes over them. He was sitting on the last seat in the back row... a row completely reserved to him.

Everyone was terrified of Gaara. As soon as he closed his eyes and turned his head towards the window so that the spring breeze could smoother his face, he deadpanned, "But I'm too tired for that today."

Immediately, everyone resumed their previous conversations as if nothing had even happened. Neji was surprised. Usually, Gaara ended up strangling someone whenever the teacher was not present in the vicinity, and he along with Lee and Naruto had to pry him off of them before they were suffocated to death.

Neji glanced wonderingly at Tenten, sitting on the row directly in front of him. She was juggling knives. She looked sexy when she did that. He liked that about her... she was a warrior, much like his cousin, and could stand up for herself against threats and thugs.

Neji continued to stare at the completely oblivious brunette. She was starting to lob her butcher knives at the blackboard in the front of the classroom as target practise. That worked for a while... until one of her knives accidently went off target—from a lapse of concentration—and nearly skewered the petrified girl standing like an idiot in the classroom doorway.

That petrified idiot, in case you were wondering, is me, Awashi Sadoko, the new transfer student to the Will of Fire Academy.

I barely missed the knife—I had to catastrophically tuck my head into my chest and drop and roll—like they teach you to do when you're caught on fire. Same precaution applies if a knife is flying at you. Shakily, I stepped forward into the classroom and clutched onto the doorframe for dear life, my panic from nearly being stabbed still in my bones.

I guess it served me right—I had already been standing in the doorway for ten minutes, just gawking at the dramatic sight before me of my new, clearly dysfunctional, class.

"I'm so sorry!" Tenten apologised, running up to me but she was still holding her knife point-blank towards my face so I awkwardly had to side-step it. "I didn't even see you there. You were standing so still and silent... it's like you were invisible!"

I sweat-dropped.

Everyone here seemed VERY unique, to put it lightly, and clearly had interesting ways of killing time while the teacher failed to arrive or return: their activities ranged from Normal, Dangerous, Illegal and Disturbing.

A girl with dyed pink hair was flirting with another student who looked like he was willing to pay any amount of money to make her shut up. Normal.

A tall boy with bright blonde hair and a shorter, stockier boy were holding a milk drinking contest. There was someone else hovering over them, a student with a wolf-dog (for some reason, bringing pets to class was allowed here) whose face had turned unnaturally green. "How are you two still living? I think that stuff's expired. And that's your fourteenth—"

I had to turn away because the dog boy proceeded to vomit out of the window... and that was not a nice view. Definitely Dangerous.

I also spied—well, heard more like—a red-haired boy and a student wearing an orange mask negotiating. "I already told you, I want you to steal the keys to the History teacher's Tesla Model S. I don't have time for your mistakes. I'll get Pain to kick you out of the gang if you're not careful next time."

Tobi shuddered, "No, please don't, Sasori! But listen. I couldn't steal anything this time because that MI5 secret agent was on my back again! He'll kill me for sure if he sees me driving away with a teacher's car!"

I summarised that what I'd just overheard had to be in the Illegal category. They needed an MI5 agent in the school to deal with an out-of-control gang? Whoa.

I soon found myself wondering to the quieter side of the room, still in search of a suitable place to sit. I was thoroughly disgruntled that my parents had forgotten to check the Academy's reputation before sending me here. This was an Academy for Psychos!

A tall, dark boy with glasses and a white trench coat was... mutilating insects and reptiles? How did he even get those? He looked up at me and I stumbled back in terror when he asked, "Why are they dying like this? I just wanted to see if they would live after I removed their brains."

DISTURBING.

When I whirled around, I found myself more scared than I had been when a knife was flying at my face.

"You... seem healthy enough." A tall dude with silver hair gelled back and a chain in his hand grabbed my face and inspected it. "Basically, I'm going to make you my sacrifice to Jashin. So hold still while I chain you to a chair and strip you naked."

"Ahhhh!" I wailed, ducking behind the closest thing I could find to safety. It was behind a student sitting in the back row. He seemed to be the only one there and no one was bothering him. His face was turned towards the window and his eyes were shut, like he was sleeping.

It worked.

The dude who'd just tried to make me take my clothes off and become his human sacrifice wilted away somewhere else and didn't try to come near me again.

I noticed that a couple of people had started to stare at me. I didn't think it had anything to do with curiosity towards the new girl, but the fact that I was hiding behind the student whom every person in the room apparently appeared to be ridiculously afraid of. I even overhead someone mutter, "What is she doing? Is she insane?"

"Go to the girls. They'll show you how to survive here." Came a voice directly beside me. I turned to see that it was the boy whom I was hiding behind.

He hadn't even turned his head to face me, it was still directed towards the open window. He did not come off as terrifying to me. Just alone and troubled.

What was he even talking about? But I didn't dare question him and started to make my way towards Tenten. She was sitting beside a girl with long indigo hair and they were sharpening butcher knives together.

"Hey, um... Tenten. Can I join you two?"

Tenten nodded, and the other girl, who I learnt is called Hinata Hyuuga, smiled at me. "In case you want to know why I carry knives and so do Sakura, Ino and Hinata too, it's 'cause you can't trust anyone here. And when Hidan is in a bad mood, he tries to slaughter everybody, claiming it's to please his fake god with sacrifices when we know he's lying and looking for excuses 'cause he's just a homicidal thug and a pervert." She said.

Tenten offered me one of her knives but I had to decline. Whether my parents had put me here knowing I would be locked up with psychopaths or not, I don't think they would take too kindly to me taking knives to school for my own personal protection.

I glimpsed twenty or so pointy objects protruding underneath Hinata's desk and pretended not to notice them, deciding I really didn't want to know what exactly they were. Surely, you didn't need that many torture gadgets to stand up for yourself in this crazed room?

I sat in silence with them for a while. A girl with dyed pink hair called Sakura Haruno joined us.

"I actually WANT to do Physics." Tenten complained.

"I love Sasuke, he's so hot and mysterious." Sakura slurred.

Hinata looked away from them, her eyes widening, "Duck! NOW!"

Suddenly, BANG, a bomb went off. I think someone may have died. I was crouched on the ground beside Hinata, ash and dust clinging to my hair, face and clothes.

A gaping hole burned through the wall.

And Sakura shouted, "Quit bringing bombs to school, Deidara! You'll blow yourself up one day if you continue to detonate them in close confined spaces!"

Deidara didn't seem to take too lightly to Sakura's lecturing as his murderous expression made it seem like he was contemplating throwing something nasty at her.

Picking up on this, I quickly steered Sakura away.

Sakura confusedly followed my lead, although I didn't really know where I was going. There wasn't much space in the room.

"I-I think it's best to stay away from him, Sakura. He looks like he wants to kill you. Let's sit down over h—"

"No!" Sakura hissed, jerking me the other way. I had only been walking towards the vacant table beside a brooding male student and his mysterious brother.

"They're the Uchiha twins! Sasuke already told me to get lost earlier and never to come talk to him again or he'd leave the class altogether! I can't have him leaving me! I love Sasuke-poochkins too much!"

Poochkins?

"But I appreciate your concern. Don't worry. If Deidara tries to pull anything suspicious, I'll slice and dice him," Sakura announced casually, flipping her miniature butter knife like a professional. "You'll see."

I found myself tied between being in-awe at Sakura and envious of her effortless confidence when a shadow fell over my left side and I found myself looking up into the darkest pools of black ever.

"I don't think I've met you before but I'm Itachi Uchiha. I'm Sasuke's," he pointed at the male student standing next to him boredly and apathetically, "older twin brother."

"Like she needs to know," Sasuke grunted. He kicked off from the wall and sauntered over towards the other side of the room, where the blonde student named Naruto Uzumaki was creating a ruckus. Sakura watched him leave longingly.

Despite Sakura's confidence, she was being reduced to an ogling fangirl by this stupid Sasuke guy! I already hated him.

Turning back to Itachi, I smiled. "Nice to meet you. I'm Awashi Sadoko. Apart from the girls, you're one of the only few people who have welcomed me to this new class. Thank you." I stated embarrassedly.

Itachi chuckled lightly. His handsome face was even more mesmerising when he smiled. There was a certain gleam in his eyes. "Don't thank me. I honestly just have nothing better to do. Would you mind meeting up with me after school so that we can get dinner together?"

How do I respond to that? What do I do when an irresistible male student is asking me to a date like a gentleman?

Sakura butted in, "Sadoko, Itachi Uchiha's perception of a date is truly the most screwed up idea of a joke in this dysfunctional class I know of." She deadpanned.

I raised my eyebrows in surprise. "What could be so bad about... a date with him?"

"He handcuffs you to him for the whole evening, records your fingerprint, runs blood tests, flashes mug shots and uses torture and interrogation if you're uncooperative. He's an MI5 agent."

I looked up sharply at Itachi and met his cunning, obsidian gaze. My stomach felt empty and I cowered away from him warily.

"So... Itachi is like an authoritative figure in this classroom? The peacemaker? The king? Since... he's an agent?"

"You could say that, I suppose." Sakura lamented. "But presently, Itachi's too preoccupied with trying to stop Pain's gang to dissuade anyone's insignificant arguments. He's tried everything from putting tracking devices on them, burning their multiple bases, dressing as a girl—"

"WHAT TIME IS IT? SLAUGHTER TIME!" Hidan screamed from somewhere in the room. Five or six people swore in response and ran for their lives, in search for weapons to use in self-defence.

"Shut up or I'll cut your pay." Pain growled in the background.

Hidan let out a string of cusses and smashed a window in retaliation.

Shino jumped out of the smashed window, called by nature to... hunt down insects?

Deidara sniffled and complained, "You said the same thing to me after I detonated that first bomb, Pain! It's not fair, you should be congratulating me, I usually set off five a day! It's an improvement!"

I turned to see Itachi was watching the student with the orange mask intently.

"Tobi is happy to see Deidara in misery! Tobi wants—OW! That hurt, stupid Deidara!"

At that moment, the classroom door blew open and Orochimaru stood red-faced in the doorway, looking mischievous and naughty.

Awkward silence.

"Hello everyone. My... errand took me longer than I expected to finish. Anyway, I'm back now. I hope you've all behaved yourselves in my absence?"

I scuttled over to the back row and hid behind Gaara again, hoping his presence alone would work a second time—no one, not even the class teacher, looked directly at Gaara or his row, for fear he would interpret their look as a challenge—at protecting me. Something just told me I should be scared of my class teacher.

Orochimaru smiled evilly from the front of the classroom. "I will teach you all about surviving a bear attack."

"How?" Naruto asked dubiously. Sasuke rolled his eyes next to Naruto and elbowed him sharply in the ribs.

"You don't. That was a trick question, you idiot."

"HEY! THAT HURT, OH YEAH, SASUKEH!"

Orochimaru ignored their noisy banter. "Enough. Anyway, I'm really going to teach you how to help me overthrow the Headmaster, Kakashi Hatake! My archenemy! Oh, dear, I'm starting to sound like Might Guy."

Lee interjected, "Don't diss Guy for he knows the way, the balance, the cosmos, the truth of nature, the truth of youth, and the truth of—!"

Orochimaru cut short Lee's lecture. "Kakashi will be coming in for a lesson observation in less than seconds. We must hurry and prepare to annihilate him! Where are those girls with their butcher knives? Go stand on either side of the door frame, perfectly out of view. Brandish your knives at his throat the moment he sets foot down in here!"

Orochimaru was now standing on top of his desk, his long, dark hair swinging manically.

"I shall enjoy putting his body parts in my jars!"

Did I hear that correctly? At any rate, I'd be having serious nightmares of this day.

Awkward silence.

"Shouldn't I get to bite one of you for thinking out such a well-laid out plan?!"

"NO!"

You learn something new every day: such as, you have a class teacher who is a Machiavellian schemer and partakes in cannibalistic activities such as biting students.

Gaara was oddly silent in front of me, his eyes trained intently on the spot on the wall next to the clock.

Suddenly, his deep, guttural, voice filled the room as he unexpectedly spoke.

"Teacher, Kakashi Hatake is standing right behind you."

"So they say." Orochimaru purred, turning around only for the colour to drain from his face.

Kakashi Hatake, Headmaster of the Academy, stood in the doorway, two students grasping knives flanking either side of him. His unnervingly apathetic eyes roamed over the class to take in the state of it—including the bulging hole burned obscenely though the wall—and he sighed.

He didn't even care about the two knife points pressing against his neck.

Whoa... this Headmaster had balls.

"What do you think you are doing?" Kakashi Hatake asked deliberately, his dispassionate eyes giving off the impression that he didn't want to kill my class teacher—but everyone knew better, which was kind of frightening.

"Just... Just... I want my mummy!" Orochimaru squealed, running past Kakashi Hatake and out the classroom door.

Kakashi turned back to the class, apparently intending to say something, but was completely speechless.

"Did... Orochimaru just squeal?" Naruto asked, grinning from ear to ear.

"I'm tired of this trash dump you all call a class." Gaara announced murderously, rising from his chair which made me jump in surprise as I was still cowering behind it. "You won't see me for another eleven days... I need time to recover from today—by that, I mean I have business to finish and people kill. Great stress reliever."

Gaara left.

"TODAY SUCKED, USUALLY I GET TO SACRIFICE MORE PEOPLE! ANYWAY, PEACE OUT!"

Hidan left.

"Come on girls, let go of me. I've also go business to complete. But come by my apartment in the evening. We'll have lots of fun."

Pain left.

"I want ramen, Sasuke! Come with me. You always pay for mine!"

Naruto left.

"Tch. Hn."

Sasuke left.

Eventually everyone left. I slumped on my own against a graffiti-covered desk and buried my head in my hands.

"I need serious help."

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A/N: I am open to taking up suggestions! Yes, that means if there is any Naruto character you would like to see in the next chapter, and if there is anything specific you want to see them doing, type it up in a review and I will incorporate it!

Which Naruto character did you like the best in this chapter?

Bye bye! Take care!