Title: Different Kinds of Love
Rating: PG-13
Category: Character Study, Drama, Angst
Genre: Gen
Pairing: None! is proud of herself
Summary: It's not love. I know that. But that's not how everyone else sees it.
Spoilers: The entirety of "Dead Man Walking." Season 4 in general. Takes place either between "Dead Man Walking" and "In The Dark" or after "In The Dark."
Disclaimer: These characters belong to DPB, CBS, Paramount, et al. No copyright infringement is intended.
Author's Notes: Written for NFA Skills Challenge – Single character reflection upon an event either occurring on the show or referred to on the show. 500-700 words. (PS, if anyone would like to know anything more about NFA, let me know & I'll give you the details.)
"That's because you're a good person." - Ziva in "In The Dark."
It's not love. I know that. But that's not how everyone else sees it.
Gibbs, McGee, even Ducky – they all think I'm in love with Tony, because I am concerned about him and don't want to see him get hurt. They are all looking at it with a man's mind – if a woman shows the slightest interest in your well-being, she must be in love with you.
But I'm not in love with Tony. He's my partner, he's my friend, and any love I feel for him is strictly friendly. I only worry that he does not understand the situation he has gotten himself into, that in order to love someone else, he must let go of something, some part of his past, whatever made him so closed off to others.
His intentions are good, and true, but he doesn't care if he gets hurt in the process and that is what worries me. He's letting her make these plans for them, for their future, even if he has no real intention of fulfilling them, because he doesn't want to hurt her.
Yet, he hurts himself by doing so.
Someone needs to make him see he doesn't need to deny himself happiness for others to be happy, and I know that aside from Jenny, who is a little preoccupied at the moment, I'm the only one who is actually seeing things as they are.
I haven't always seen Tony the way I see him now, but I haven't seen a lot of things the way I do now. It wasn't until I met Roy that things began to come together.
It was then that I saw how short life is, and how, if you do care for someone, you must let them know, take full advantage of the time you share.
And denying yourself that, or denying someone else a chance at love, does nothing. That's what I want to teach Tony.
But, then again, this is all assuming he doesn't love Jeanne, that he's trying to let her down gently. If he truly does love her, he'll have to open himself to that, and that leaves him more vulnerable than before. Love always does that.
I want him to see that he has people who care about him – not just Jeanne, but all of us here, even if we don't show it. Gibbs is so focused on the job that it seems like he's missing it, but I do know he knows Tony better than the rest of us, me especially. It is just frustrating to see someone put himself through such an ordeal and feel completely alone. I want to scream that we do care, but I doubt he would even believe me.
Men have some sort of unspoken communication among themselves, and Gibbs and Tony seem to have perfected it, leaving me completely out of the picture. And that is why I must push and push to get the tiniest clue of what is going on inside their heads.
If my persistance is seen as love, so be it, as difficult as that is. At least it won't be seen as ignorance, or a lack of caring, because I know that would be infinitely worse.
Additional Author's Note: I'm probably one of the very few people in fandom who believe Ziva isn't in love with Tony. I think she LOVES him, yes, but isn't IN LOVE with him. That's all. It's a very unpopular opinion, but you know, I'm just trying to be realistic.