High School
Or was purgatory the right word? If there was any way to atone for my sins, this ought to count toward the tally. This tedium was something I had grown used to, but now, every day seemed more impossibly monotonous than the last. Its cause was a person that I, now, had known for a considerable amount of time. Why did the person had to exist? Why had this aggravating human ever been born? I hated that person, hated that person with all the fervor with which I clung to my former self, my love of my family, my dreams of being something better than I was….Hating that person helped a little. Though I hated that person, I knew my hatred was unjust. I knew that what I really hated was myself.
The sky above me was clear, brilliant with stars. The stars created majestic, swirling shapes against the black universe-an awesome sight. Exquisitely beautiful. Or rather, it should have been exquisite. Would have been, if I had been able to really see it.
When I stared up at the jeweled sky, it was as if there were an obstruction between my eyes and their beauty. The obstruction was a face, just a face, but I couldn't quite seem to banish it from my mind.
I was lonely for my entire existence, my heart craving for a person who would understand me and my loneliness, a person who would see right through my mask and soothe my soul. After all, in this world, happiness didn't come to the people who wanted it, healings didn't come to the people who needed it the most. That's why I hated this person. I knew that person was different from others. Although I wanted someone to find me, I did not want to uncover my true self to people-my weak true self.
In this world, nobody is perfect, nobody could be perfect. That's why I tried, tried to read that person. But whenever I tried, that person looked at me with eyes that looked like they were boring in my skull. Eyes that looked full with silent secrets. I had felt the intensity of the scrutinizing gaze, and had realized that I wasn't the only one attempting to ferret out secrets. Why that was that the person saw too much? Why did I think that the person was trying to read me?
I continued to stare in the eyes, the get the glimpse of that person's soul. I understood that the person was suffering, more than the person let anyone see.
That person was better than me, saw right to the core of things while I floundered around the edges, sifting blindingly through clues. I clearly was not as perceptive as I gave myself credit for.
I had kept trying continuously to look into that person. Lastly, I had a peek. And what I had seen was the thing I could not understand. I had seen a small mass of flesh, which people called heart doing its work tirelessly in loneliness, protected by the unsurmountable wall of false confidence and resolve, yearning for someone to bear the pain and reach for it. That's when I understood that the person was same as me.
That's why I wanted to bear the pain, I wanted to break through those walls and enter a new world, a world where everything was untouched, and everything was pure. I wanted to hold the heart, which had turned cold, to provide warmth. I wanted to console it, to yell with all my might that it wasn't alone anymore.
But I was afraid, I was afraid that my act could break everything I had right now. All my life, I had lost everything I loved and I didn't want to lose it.
But I know, someday I will reach for it. Even if it rips-off my soul, I'll do it. I will make that person understand me, understand my heart. Someday I'll change that person, someday I'll change myself and someday I'll reach the promised land ,the land which I dream of.