Disclaimer! All characters featured and/ or mentioned in this segment belong to Mike Lazzo, Hanna-Barbera and Cartoon Network.

CUCUMBER

Five minutes to show-time. Better look myself over again; you know, so nothing's out of place. I sit in front of my mirror, finger on my chin, as I look my handsome self up and down. Power bands, check! Silky gold cape, check! Milky white tights, check! Mysterious black mask, definitely check!

Oh, yeah! Space Ghost, are you a parking ticket? Because you've got "fine" written all over you! As usual. I flex my nicely sculpted arms a little, flash my pearly-white smile—

Uh-oh, hold it, what's that between my teeth? It looks green and a little like a leaf. Possibly a piece of lettuce from that hero I had for lunch. You know, the sandwich? What do I look like, a cannibal?

Nothing a little scratching power won't fix. Fingernail, do your stuff! Mm-hm, yeah, right into the gums! Ooh, I think I got it!

I pull my hand way. Dang it, it's still stuck there! Don't make me have to get out my Destructo Ray and blast you like I blast Zorak! Would you like that? Huh?

Silence will get you nowhere!

SHOOOOOOM!

KA-BOOOOOOOM!

I'm all tinged with soot and coughing up a sunstorm, but hey! I'm already dead so I don't have to worry about blasting myself to smithereens. I'm called Space Ghost for a reason. At least I got rid of that—

Hey! It's still there! Why, I oughta—

"Yo, Space Ghost! You done prettying yourself up in there, yet?" Moltar. He doesn't understand the importance of looking your best. Then again, he's just a big mass of molten mush in a suit…which makes him look fat, by the way. Almost as fat as Tansit.

"Sssh! I'm trying to clean my teeth right now!"

"We've got three minutes before show-time, Princess, forget your teeth."

"No! If I came out with lettuce in between these enamel-coated beauties, do you know what that would do to my reputation?"

That ignoramus shakes his head. "You still have a rep? Just get a toothpick and pick it out! Or use one of Zorak's antennae and floss it out. Speaking of Mean-Lean-and-Green, where the heck is he?" How can he think of that insect when I've got dirty teeth? I keep scratching at that cursed little scrap. I will get it yet!

Molten Meatball turns around and stomps out of here. Feh, good riddance! Now, back to the matter at hand…if I can just get my thumbnail in there…

His bumbling footsteps stop. He's probably stopping to tie his shoe.

"Tad, get over here quick!"

I'm too busy saving my teeth from that pesky lettuce scrap to answer.

"I'm serious, man!" Aw, does little Moltar not know how to tie his little shoesies? His wife must feel ashamed. Sorry buster, but I go by a rule that I just made up: I can only rescue one hapless soul each day, and today ain't your day. Tomorrow doesn't look that good, either.

Oh boy, I think I've gotten that bugger by the stem!

Suddenly, a hand reaches out and yanks me off my seat by my cape! YOWCH! I think I cut my gums. My beautiful pink gums! When I find the inconsiderate jerk that's dragging me out of my room, I'm gonna—

"Quit preening your jaws for a minute and take a listen!" Moltar growls, pushing my handsome head against a door. WELL!

As much as I don't want to, I hear muffled voices from the other side, belonging to two fellow co-workers whom I could really do without.

"C'mon, Zorak! Meet my cucumber!" That's lispy old Brak.

"Maybe I don't want to meet your cucumber." That's sourpuss Zorak.

I get pulled away from my hygienic duties just to eavesdrop on a conversation about cucumbers? Just what's so gosh-darn engaging about those things? They're about as interesting as zucchinis, on account of they're practically the same. I seethe about my sore, tainted mouth. That is, until things begin to sound a little…off. Even for these two clowns.

Something's being unzipped in there.

"Look, Zorak! Meet my little buddy! Isn't he cute? And long?"

"Ugh! Get that thing out of my face and put it back in!"

Huh? Get what out of his face?

"I even gave 'im a name! His name's Larry! Larry the Cucumber! Wanna pet him?"

There's some shuffling. "I wouldn't touch that with a twenty-foot pole."

Molten Meatball shoves me closer to the floor. "That pervy dog. Well, he did say that radiation only half-lobotomized him." I thought Brak was a cat alien?

Footsteps. "Don't you wanna kiss Larry at least? On the top of his head? He hasn't been having a very good day..."

I arch my eyebrows. I'd always thought these guys disliked each other since everybody here dislikes each other, but…

"Oh bite me, why don't ya?"

"After you meet Larry! Come on, you can't resist the cucumber!"

"Okay, I think this has gone on far enough. We've only got one minute 'til show-time and no minutes at all for this. Tad, gimme your Destructo Ray."

He wants my what? Ah, no way, Jose! Only Space Ghost gets to play with the Destructo Ray! My toy! Mine, I tell you! Moltar dives down and grabs my wrist, and instantly we lock in a brutal struggle, rolling all around the hallway. Of course I'm winning, until that cheater-pants Molten Meatball's fingers find their way to my band.

SHOOOOOOM!

KA-BOOOOOOOM!

Out goes the door. And a huge chunk of the wall.

When the smoke clears, there stands our two devious alien co-workers. Zorak is up against the wall and Brak's in front of him, waving...

...a long, wrinkly, green vegetable in front of Zorak's ugly mug? He's got a tattered orange fanny pack strapped to his crotch, left unzipped and wide open. How tasteless.

I make Moltar release me at once by punching him in the big, squishy gullet. THUD! Ow, my handsome head!

"Just what the heck are you two up to?"

"Took you jokers long enough! Fuzzy here's trying to molest me with some old cucumber he picked up somewhere!"

"His name is Larry! And is it a crime to try acquainting your old and gold buddies with new and blue ones? Especially after Larry's mom and dad got taken to the pickle farm!" Brak covers his face with his free fist. "It was horrible, like a-a cucumber massacre!"

Moltar just stands there and stares at those two. I, on the other hand, am boiling furious! I get pulled away from my me-time just to look at the boys playing with actual cucumbers?

"Yeeeaaahh...well, could you put your little, uh, buddy back in the bag? We've got a show to run! Shake a leg!"

"Can Larry be part of the show, too?"

Zorak crawls over to his pod and leaps right in, head-first. His scrawny legs stick up into the air. "As long as that thing is at least fifty feet away from me! Sanctuary, sanctuary!" Pfft, what a baby.

I dust myself off as best as I can and glide gracefully into my talk show host seat. Moltar takes his position into the control room. "All right, gentlemen! We're on the air in five, four, three, two—"

"What's that, Larry? Oh...yeah, I-I see it, too. Okay, I'll tell 'im: Space Ghost!"

The spotlights flash on. "What?"

"Did you know that you gots somethin' in your teeth?"

Beg his pardon?