Unconditionally:
Requested by Lily so I wrote her a little something, Carla tells Nick that she slept with Robert.
His eyes trace mine, trying to read whether I was being serious. The hurt on my face explained everything and it paralleled in his own. It broke me to see him so damaged, so betrayed. I had betrayed him, the guilt had swallowed me up but it was too late to go back now.
He can't bear to look at me anymore, he moves to sit down on the sofa, our sofa, my sofa, the sofa we once shared. The sofa we would cuddle up on and watch films. The sofa we would cry on when talking about the past. The sofa we would laugh on when talking about the future. The sofa we had writhed on when we were too impatient to make it to the bedroom, I would cry out to him, knowing that he was the only man ever to enter me and then leave me making me feel equally alive. That was something no one had ever been able to do. That was something no man, especially Robert, could have given me.
Except Nick.
I didn't need him to have sex with me in order to feel loved. But when we did, he knew exactly when I needed it and exactly which pace to set.
And it was perfect. It was passionate and it was raw and it was dirty. But not dirty enough to remind me of the horrors of our past. I would grip his skin and he would whisper my name. I would hang off his every word, indulging in the way he moved inside me. I had never felt more pleasured, and that was because not only did he arouse me physically, but emotionally too.
Some nights I didn't need that, some nights I just needed him to hold me. We would lie in bed and link our fingers and fall asleep in each other's company. That's all we needed. Just to be near one another, to know we had each other, to understand that we couldn't be luckier than in that moment. To feel the warmth from the side of his bed and know that I wasn't alone, I would always have him.
Now I had ruined that. Once again, I had messed up. But this time I had lost more than a flat, or a car, or a pair of shoes. I had lost the man who meant everything to me. The man I once looked at with upmost loathing, but now I looked at with unconditional love.
"Say something, please." I manage to say, weakly, daring to take a step closer to him. "Nick."
"...When?" His voice is cracked, pain in the single word he releases.
"When uh..." I search my mind, trying to recall my biggest regret. 'Regrets are pointless' I'm sure he wasn't thinking that now. "After I found out about Johnny."
"That's not when." He keeps his voice low, as if trying not to scare me. I didn't know why, I didn't know why he wasn't angry, raging at me for doing something so disgusting.
"...New Years." I hesitate before informing him and he nods in acceptance.
"When you disappeared from the party?" He reminds me. "And I couldn't find you for two days afterwards... You told me you went to visit your friend... I didn't know your friend was Dominic... Or..."
"I can't explain to you how sorry I am, the word... The word means nothing." I fight back the tears that sting my eyes. Had this been Paul, or Tony, or Frank, or Peter, I would be having a screaming match right now. Just like I screamed at Peter the night he told me. What a hypocrite, trading in the love of my life for a filthy one night stand.
"Don't." He stops me, getting up and looking me straight in the eyes. "You were hurt Carla, you were lashing out. You wanted to punish yourself so you press the self-destruct button. It's what you do. It makes you feel as if you have control over something, if anything, yourself."
"How does that condone it in any way?" I raise my voice slightly.
"It doesn't." He shakes his head. "I was just showing you how well I know you."
"I know." I swallow, not bothering to brush the stray tears from my cheeks. "I know Nick, that's why... Oh what have I done?" I turn away, covering my face with my hand as I burst into tears.
"It's what you do." There is slight laughter in his voice and I don't understand, I don't understand why he's not yelling at me, storming out. "As I said, it's typical Carla Connor. Gambling, punishing yourself, it's your coping mechanism."
"Go Nick." I mutter, staring at the wall, my back to him in an attempt to block out my adoration.
"Listen." He whispers, coming closer to me. "You need to learn-"
"NICK GET OUT!" I yell, finally turning to face him.
"SEE THIS IS WHAT YOU DO." He retaliates and I was almost satisfied he was yelling back at me. "YOU PUSH ME AWAY, YOU WANT TO COMPLETELY ISOLATE YOURSELF."
"SO LET ME DO THAT THEN." I scream at him. "LET ME DO WHAT I WANT, I'M NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. LET ME BE ALONE."
"NO."
"WHY?"
"BECAUSE I LOVE YOU." He finishes and the noise dissolves into silence, leaving us standing, panting at one another. Our chests moving in sync as if we had just climaxed in a totally opposing situation to this one. We hold each other's gaze for a matter of minutes, before I fall into his arms once again. It was all I needed to hear in order to weaken me fully.
It was all I needed to hear to know that I couldn't let him go. Not now, not ever.