I have been trying to write something for season 5 for a long time but Blair messed me up. She seems to be so unlike the Blair I knew that it is difficult to get into her head. However, after the last episode, I have had enough. I need my Blair back and if the writers won't give me back my Blair, I will get her back myself. Lol... that is how this fic came by.. I had sworn off angst after BCE, but this was needed for my own sanity. If BCE was my Chuck redemption story, this is my Blair redemption story. Girl needs to know what she is doing. Enough of my rant- let me know if you want me to continue it. If there is enough interest I will write this, otherwise I will just go back to writing and hiding behind my AU-The Reluctant Lady Bass.
Main Characters: Chuck, Blair, Serena, Nate, Dan, Jenny et al
Genre: Romance and Angst
Timeline: Post 5.19
Author: FrozenandYetNot
…
You were the best
But you've chose to throw your life away
In the hands of nothingness
You're a bad boy,
Everyone knows it.
The dust is nice,
But it makes things worst
But it makes things worst.
-The Dark Queen,Andrasta
Blair lay awake, her eyes stuck on the slightly cracked cream ceiling. Bundled neatly beside the bed was the pink dress and atop it lay the tiara which Dan had placed on her head, proclaiming her to be a princess in his eyes. It had been fairytale moment – and a few hours after the grand proclamation, Blair found her eyes devoid of sleep. There was an underlying restlessness which her calm exterior was hiding. She had managed to hide the nagging thoughts throughout the day, being the perfect girlfriend and neither Dan nor Rufus knew better. And while they didn't know, it was easier to pretend that it wasn't there.
However, in the darkness with her boyfriend sleeping beside her, it was staring back at her face. She closed her eyes yet again, desperately aching for sleep to no avail. Sleep eluded her and the thoughts chased her. She swung her legs, the cotton sheets grazing her thighs harshly. A small part of cringed at the idea of lying at white cotton sheets purchased from Wal-Mart. But she quelled that part of her. She had left that side of her and become a better person, she told herself.
Tying her wayward curls, she walked out to the kitchen. It was dimly lit and she stood at the threshold of the kitchen, staring at nothing. The thoughts she had been trying to chase away all day swept in, claiming her mind once and for all.
He was looking for his mother. He was looking for Elizabeth Fisher. He was looking for the woman who had caused them to destruct.
Memories flooded in. The last time he encountered the woman, she had lost her Chuck. He had become obsessed with finding the woman. His mother who he thought he had killed all his life. She had seen the desperation in him to believe otherwise, to believe that he had a mother. She had seen his desperation and felt his pain. She had encouraged him to open up to that con artist, to accept Elizabeth wholeheartedly, to offer his heart on a platter to his mother. The bitch had destroyed it the moment she had a chance- destroyed it, him and them.
Chuck was lost and in some ways it was her fault.
She swallowed hard against the lump which was obstructing her breathing. He could not find her again. She wasn't even sure whether he really meant to find her. After all she was sure that he had only used it as an excuse to weasel back into her life and cause complications with Humphrey. That was classic Chuck, wasn't it? He always ruined her relationships so that he would run back into his arms.
I just want you to be free. Whoever you chose to love when you are free is up to you.
He had paid her dowry and not told anyone. He had given her freedom when she had spurned him. Did it mean that he did not want her and was doing a good deed?
Curiously the thought brought no relief. Instead, her heart thumped in protest. He had to want her, didn't he? He always wanted her. He could not just stop wanting her.
I will always love you
That was the definition of always, wasn't it?
Love just doesn't disappear
He had said the words, hadn't he? He must have meant them. Love wouldn't have disappeared.
But it had, hadn't it?
I will always love you but I 'm not in love with you.
"Blair..." Dan said sleepily.
She started from her reverie and gasped. She felt wetness on her cheeks and realized that she was crying. She quickly wiped her face.
"Blair, what're you doing up?"
"I was thirsty" she said almost haughtily
Dan quirked his eyebrow at her...
"That is the third time you woke up for a drink."
She rolled her eyes.
"I suppose I can't get enough of the Brooklyn tap water, Humphrey" she snapped at him.
There was a profound silence. Dan, on the other hand, flinched inwardly at her tone. It was a tone he knew well. It was what he had heard throughout high school from the Queen B. This wasn't his Blair.
Blair stared at him as he opened and closed his mouth several times. He didn't know how to deal with her when she was like this. His Blair was vulnerable, witty but always welcoming his support. This time she was staring at him with an edge in her eyes. He was wary of approaching her. She didn't seem to want his support and he was at a loss to how to make her want it.
"I don't understand Blair."
She melted under his eyes and he inwardly sighed with relief.
"I 'm sorry, Dan... I 'm just …" she trailed off looking lost.
This comforted Dan. He knew this Blair. He jumped in and turned her around.
"Is this still about not being a princess?" he asked gently "Blair, with or without a tiara you would always be my princess"
Blair stared at her and nodded.
It was so easy to be Dan Humphrey. It was so easy because he didn't understand the constant need to succeed that was ingrained in UES children from playschool. The idea of succeeding, of achieving, of being someone worthy of respect and admiration that was hammered into their heads…He didn't understand the need she felt to be someone. He didn't understand that she wanted to be a princess was not to fulfill a fairytale but to grasp onto the power of being one. It was the idea of being powerful and called upon with respect at UES. He didn't understand that what it meant to her. He didn't understand that Blair wasn't that simple a girl who could be at peace with whatever happiness life granted her. That she always wanted more- that she was greedy and ambitious for any morsel of power that she could grab. He didn't understand that she was dark princess seeking to be one who danced with rainbows and sunshine.
He didn't understand that no matter how much she craved to be a princess, she would always be a Queen first.
For him it was simple. Happiness was just the absence of sorrow. Love was just the idea of being with the one whom he loved. He was, by default, a pauper who was destined to be prince charming.
For her it was always more complicated... She wasn't Cinderella fighting through hurdles created by her ugly step sisters. She was both Cinderella and the step sisters. It was too way complicated.
But she had enough of complications. Now she wanted it to be simple.
She smiled at Dan as he poured her a glass of water.
Simple...
….
It's a jump in the unknown, -The Dark Queen,Andrasta
There's no return, no hope
No motivation, no goal,
oblivion's waiting for you.
You're alone, and you'll go alone
You're alone, and you'll go alone.
Chuck stared at the empty scotch tumbler and groaned. If some writer, with more intellect and observation that Hum-drum Humphrey ever wrote about him, he knew picking up a smell for his character would be easy.
Scotch...
His poison, his salvation, his refuge against the world...
And if that writer, in his crazy intellectual way ever contemplated, a color to define Chuck Bass, he would undoubtedly pick black. He was the dark knight of the UES after all. His den was in recesses of darkness half the time. He mind was black. He was the King of darkness. And just black swallows up any color mixed with it, to change its nuance. He destroys anyone who dares to step into world, to try and change him.
There had been only one person in this world that was brave enough to love him enough to want him to change. Only one person who cared enough to try and make him break through the dark glinted cages he had put his compassion in. His father had not given a damn, only expecting the worse from his son. His mother had abandoned him after his birth. But she had never given up on him.
Not his darkest thought, not his worst deed could keep her away for him. She pursued him, held his hand and dragged him out to embrace the man he could be.
You carry people, you carry me. You're becoming the man your father never was.
In her arms, he had found solace. In her eyes, he had found the trust and in her words the strength to be a man someone could love. That she could love.
But she didn't.
I will always love you but I 'm not in love with you
Chuck clutched the glass, hardly noticing when it splintered in his hand. The words echoed in his mind, destroying him inch by inch. It had taken losing her to find himself, but just as he found himself, he had lost her.
She was gone and now he didn't even have her friendship.
You bought me just like you sold me for a hotel. You paid my dowry and then came to collect
Chuck gritted his teeth. He didn't know what hurt more. That he deserved the words, or that he didn't. He knew that Blair might never forgive him for the Empire fiasco. And somehow he could never fault her if she never did. Yet for years now he was only trying to make her happy.
And every time she doubted his intention, refusing to believe that he had changed. She had gone to extreme lengths to prove to herself that he was still a self-serving Basstard and he had left her believe. She had thrown back his apology to his face.
He knew that there was some sense in her distrust but that didn't make it hurt less. It didn't make him want to crush the world any less. But what hurt the most is the one person who believed in his ability to be a better man just didn't anymore.
He didn't know where that left him. If Blair didn't see through him to see his soul, then who will? If she couldn't believe in him, then how could he believe in himself? If she couldn't forgive his past actions, then how could he forgive himself? She had always been his better half- the one part of him that was good and if she refused to see the goodness, then where did it leave him?
His phone buzzed and he clicked it on.
Thank you for setting me free
He was glad of her freedom, now only if he could find some for himself. He needed to be free of the shadow of Blair's love; he needed to really move on for she had. He knew he would never love anyone as he loved her, not even himself but he needed to love himself just a little.
And to do that, he needed answers. He called Andrew Tyler.
"Where did you say Elizabeth was?"
"Milan"
"Text her address and arrange for the Bass jet to fly in a couple of hours."
The phone disconnected and he sauntered back to his room. He peeled off his purple robe and stepped in the shower. From the misted panes of the glass he could see the glimpse of purple on the floor and he chuckled inwardly. The writer would be so dead wrong.
Chuck Bass wasn't black, he was purple.
Purple- the perfect combination of red's need to conquer and blue's need to surrender. And it had been in this ongoing tug of war between blue and red, the latter had always won. Maybe it was time for that to change.
Maybe it was time for Chuck to surrender.