Author's Notes: I've been reading a lot of inspiring pieces lately. I want to write but I have no time. I went a little crazy so my partner-in-crime Futago no Seishi helped me out. Here, have a (rare) completed role-play.

The following is an unpaid (accurate) rendition of what happens verbally when we play Brawl together.

Warnings: Yaoi, slash, shounen-ai, etc. Cursing and adult themes. Intentionally ridiculous, unprocessed, junky crack that may cause bad side effects. Overuse of capitalization, exclamation points, and made-up words. You may win BadFic Bingo using this piece.

Pairing(s): Ike/Marth.

Disclaimer: I don't own Super Smash Brothers.

Ike is played by Futago no Seishi and Marth by yours truly.

Summary: Nobody wanted to play team versus mode against Ike and Marth, especially not Link. He had seen MORE than enough of the way Ike tended to level the playing field-in all senses of the phrase. [One-shot, crack parody] –Yaoi, slash: Ike/Marth-

Cheat Code

By Futago no Seishi and SSBBSwords

"Prepare yourself!" Ike shouted while he unsheathed his magically large yet seemingly weightless sword from the holster across his back.

He was ready. He was always ready—so long as Marth was by his side. His companion, his partner, his one and only. As long as Marth was his fighting partner, with his swift swordwork and graceful speed, Ike knew that when he faced their opponents, all he would have to do is land that final, devastating blow. Marth was the symphony—he was merely the very loud and uproarious cymbal-and-timpani fanfare at the end of the concert.

"Marth, I'm ready whenever you are," he proclaimed to his closest friend. Link and Fox didn't stand a chance.

"Ike," Marth spoke between gritted teeth from a few levels above while being popped into the air by combination attacks from both the blond swordsman and the anthropomorphic fox. "A little goddamn HELP here." I'm in fucking new Prada, for fuck's sake!

"OH. Oh oh oh oh. SORRY!" Ike yelped as he made his way up the platforms to Marth's level. Oh shit, why the hell was that level so far away, and the jumps so hard to make?

After failing to scale the two necessary ledges to get to Marth's level, Ike decided that he was best putting his brute strength to work. By beating in the wall. He would make everyone else come down to his level! And with just five great, big, hulking swings, the wall he was standing by collapsed with a loud boom and much flying rubble. And, with one of the foundations missing, obviously the higher level came tumbling down.

"I've got you, Marth!" Ike ran below where his beautiful, sapphire-haired partner was falling and did an up-smash towards the blond elf that was falling right after him. He really hoped his smash attack hit, but... yeah. Everyone kind of moved faster than his sword. And him. In general.

While the foundation beneath their opponents crumbled, Marth flipped mid-air in an attempt to at least land on his feet when he reached the lowest level. He had a terrible premonition that Link and Fox would land before he did and double-team Ike, adorably loyal and slow as the other swordsman was.

Cape doing wonders to slow the pull of gravity (but it was actually his natural ability to look beautiful and lofty at all times), Marth landed about half-a-stage away from where Link and Fox were waiting for him. He was at 169%. He could hear the immature giggling of viewers everywhere.

169% was not a symbol for a healthy threesome. No, Roy did not magically appear from the ether to intercept him when he was seducing Ike.

WHA-BAM! Ike's sword made solid and nearly-slow-motion contact with Link's left leg, sending the swordsman flying to the side of the stage where the wall once was. Unfortunately, his health was only at 32%, so he merely got sent headfirst into the rubble rather than straight into the void beyond the stage perimeter.

Well, he was lucky that even hit in the first place.

While Link was leaping out of the rubble to his left, Fox had landed perfectly out of range of his upward smash and was currently firing hot-pink, burning beams of pain straight at his torso from his laser gun. Oh god, the burn.

"Ugh!" he groaned as he clutched his chest before wildly swinging his sword forward at the orange space pilot. "Neutral A Combo!" In hindsight, it was probably NOT the best idea to announce your next move to your opponent. Especially one that moved faster than you (which was everyone). But Ike lacked hindsight even after the fact, so he bellowed the impending attack as he did a swish! thwack! THUMP! in the general direction of Fox.

Landing safely and watching the other players run around busily distracting each other, Marth stood idly by. Naturally, his eyes followed his partner's every move when he wasn't busy getting popped into the air and beaten on by stronger characters. He shifted his weight to one side and carefully rearranged his battle-swept hair. Was his tiara skewed? He probably looked like an absolute fright right now. He glanced down to check his outfit. Marth could have sworn that loose thread wasn't there before this fight. Fucking Link. That blond elf was so getting his seamstress' bill after this.

Well, Ike was doing well, Marth couldn't help but muse as he stood there straightening himself out. At least the man was neutral-A-ing in the right direction, unlike himself, who was prone to such misdirection that he spent most of his time turning his back on opponents due to getting caught in the middle of his dancing blade combo.

This was about the time that Link's bomb came flying at his head while he was preoccupied with his thoughts. Getting knocked back by the explosion, Marth hit the solid wall behind him with a pained groan. If the wall hadn't been there, he would have been jettisoned right off the stage with such a high percentage. He could see from afar the blond approaching but, being the prince he was, he could not just leap to his feet like a commoner; so he pulled himself together with a practiced aristocratic scowl and a hair flip for good measure.

"Link, you motherfucker."

Okay, well, maybe he needed to brush up on his diplomacy lessons.

The THUMP! of Ike's Neutral A Combo was the only one to hit Fox, but it did a good job of stunning the furry fighter long enough for Ike to slowly close in on him to continue spamming his legendary Neutral A Combo. Swish! thwack! THUMP!

Damn, that fox sure moved fast. Ike swore he was right up next to him... hey, wait a minute! Why the hell was Fox running away from him? Ike was momentarily confused. Could it be? "Aha! Are you afraid of my mighty sword, Fox?! AAAUUURRRAAAGGGHHH!" Ike brandished his sword in front of his torso, not at all indecently poised in front of his groin because, no sirree, he had no overcompensation issues whatsoever!

When Ike saw Link dash right past him and a subsequent explosion somewhere near the general area of where Marth had landed, the enormity of the situation finally dawned on Ike. Horror clenched up his chest as he gasped aloud, eyes landing onto the crumpled and be-singed form of his partner against the still-intact wall on the far side of the stage. "Marth!" he exclaimed while he started dashing as quickly as possible towards the prince, although he only moved at half the pace of their opponents.

"Stay away from him!" he shouted at Link and Fox's retreating backs, impotently swinging his sword at them about two yards too far away.

If he weren't about to be assaulted and probably K.O.'d into oblivion (or more humiliating, smashed into the viewer screen), Marth felt a warm wave of relief and affection for Ike's intention to save and protect him. Or it could be that Fox was spamming that damn electricity-dependent travesty on him. Link managed to arrive first and was met with a well-timed counter, which knocked the blond back just in time for the furry vulpine to slide in and land an up-smash on Marth.

"IKE!" Marth managed to scream in distress—no, warning. His voice went high-pitched as a warning.

Well, that did it. Flying straight up at about ten thousand miles per hour, he couldn't help but roll his eyes. He just hoped he would be revived fast enough to get back down to Ike before the other two finished the taller swordsman.

"MAAAAARRRRRTH!" Ike wailed in blatant and unapologetic distress as he watched his partner jettisoned into the void beyond the stage. He couldn't save Marth in time. Curse his lugsome self!

"Damnit, Fox! You'll pay for that!" He continued to charge forward towards the other two remaining members on the stage with reckless abandon, fearing little for his own personal safety and only set on avenging Marth's untimely demise. They only had four precious lives for this brawl! He couldn't let his molassesy movements fail Marth again!

He got bounced back and forth between Fox and Link, but because he was swinging his sword around wildly as he was flung between the two, he managed to deal a significant amount of damage. Like a pointy and extremely heavy tennis ball. Thankfully, he was one heavy mofo, or else he'd have long gone flying at his already 212% damage.

Link miscalculated a jump and fell right into the range of his up-smash as he spun his sword haphazardly above his head in a lopsided lasso (not withstanding the fact that his sword could not and would not ever be flexible like a rope). With a triumphant laugh, he watched as the much lighter elf shot straight into the viewer screen with a sickening thud.

"VENGEANCE!" was Ike's only reply.

Marth found himself standing on an individual platform, glowing a soft white. He thought he was swift in exiting the second-worth of safe invisibility when he witnessed Link fly right into the screen and sympathetically winced. He left his platform and made a beeline for the lowest level where his rockstar of a partner was still admirably fending off Fox and somehow not succumbing to a mind-boggling amount of damage.

"Hey, baby," Marth said to Ike with a I'd-sex-you-right-now-if-we-weren't-so-busy-trying-to-kick-ass-(emphasis-on-try) smile. He took a straight stab at Fox and relished the feeling of his sword tip landing right on the pilot. "You're great." He emphasized this by dodging around the taller swordsman and grabbing Fox by the front of his clothes. "Side-smash for me, Ike?" the prince asked coyly, as if asking for an entree of sex and not offering to hold their opponent in place for the mercenary to dispose of.

Ohh. Marth was giving him a Look. Ike quite liked Marth's Looks.

"I'll do anything for you, Marth," Ike replied, giving the beautiful prince his own lecherous smile as he faced himself square in front of the captive fighter. And then, with a grunt of effort (although he was just trying to sound manly in front of the object of his affections), he swung his sword in a violent side-smash directly at Fox's chest. The impact was so intense that it even knocked Marth backwards as Fox went catapulting off the stage in a yelping, furry blur.

Adrenaline high in his system, Ike rushed to Marth and quickly hooked an arm around his slender waist, pulling him flush against his front and staring down into his eyes. "I'm sorry I couldn't protect you earlier," he spoke in all honesty, lost in the moment (and Marth's Look) and frankly having forgotten all about the respawned and damage-free Link charging straight at both of them.

Ah, Ike was doing that caveman grunting thing he always fell habit to when they fought together, Marth thought fondly before the Starfox character was wrenched abruptly from his grip and out the side just as the wall newly formed. He was thrown a bit by the sudden momentum and stumbled back, only to be pulled into an embrace by Ike, who so earnestly apologized that Marth could not help but lean right into the hold. Unlike Ike's bad habit of stabbing Ragnell into the ground when feeling overconfident with a situation, Marth kept a grip on Falchion and simply looped his free arm so to loosely grip the back of Ike's neck. Urging the other to tilt his head down, Marth waited for Ike to close the narrow distance between their lips.

He heard boots skid across the floor and an annoyed voice cut straight through his patient waiting for his boyfriend to plant one on him. "Damn it, Marth! Can't you wait for just two more fucking lives?" From behind the couple, Link threw his hands up in exasperation.

If Ike were an observant and tactical fighter, he would have realized the advantageous situation he and Marth were in. Here their opponent was, standing behind them and in a prime position to attack his 212% damaged self, yet he seemed to have proverbially thrown in the gauntlet because their gay love was just too much for him. He and Marth could easily tag team the unsuspecting Link and deal massive damage to him before Fox could even join the fray.

But Ike wasn't, and he had an armful of Sex-Me-Now Marth and all he could do was give in to the prince's come-hither eyes and kiss his boyfriend utterly silly, unmindful of the elven swordsman's protests. He even went so far as to stab his gargantuan sword into the floor next to them so he could have both hands free to hold Marth, lifting the petite prince up by his waist as they locked lips passionately in the middle of the battlefield.

Embarrassingly enough, once Ike's lips landed on his, warm and both familiarly comforting and much welcomed, Marth felt the alertness and tension melt from his body. Falchion wobbled in his grip as his fingers grew lax. He had half a brilliant idea to drop it all together (but instinct and habit convinced him otherwise). He vaguely felt a nagging jealousy for Ike's ability to go stabbing his large ass sword into anything that would support it. No pun intended.

His eyes had slid close at some point and all he could sense was the firm, perfect fit of their bodies pressed together; the solid, reassuring hold that they had on each other (albeit his one-handed and being lifted off his feet); and the syncopated rhythm of their breathing as they maneuvered their tongues in and against each other's lips. He found his free hand tangling into Ike's spikes and realized belatedly that he wasn't even bothering to support his own weight. Such was his level of trust in Ike.

"Fuck this shit," Link muttered from somewhere in the vicinity. "I'm done here." He leapt for the higher levels in order to walk straight off the stage, as he did not have the power to take down the adjacent wall in just under five moves. On the way up, the Hylian passed Fox, who was now sitting idly on the top level checking his communicator with the focus of a Smartphone-addicted teenager.

"Oh, are we forfeiting?" McCloud asked distractedly as he scrolled through Tumblr posts.

"I refuse to give them enough time in here for clothes to start coming off. I saw enough of Ike last time," Link informed with a grimace and a pinch to the bridge of his nose. "NEVER AGAIN."

-fin-

Author's Notes: Did you get Bingo?