Disclaimer: Nope not mine. The poem isn't even mine. I'm not sure who's it is but it's on my grandfather's headstone so I usd it. Sucks don't it? Yea, I know it does.
Author's Note: You're all going to hate me for this. You really are. I hate myself for it. But I couldn't get it out of my head and there was going to be no way for me to update my other stories until I wrote and posted it. I might continue if everyone wants me to. If not, well this will be a oneshot. Read and review everybody!
Luvins,
Jess
EO LOVE FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Four years. Four years since they had lost her. Four years since John Munch, Fin Tutuola, Casey Novak, Alex Cabot and Melinda Warner lost their 'sister.' Four years since Don Cragen lost his 'daughter.' Four years since Elliot Stabler lost his heart. And four years since Matthew Elliot Benson-Stabler lost his mother.
July 17, 2011
7:15 AM
1-6 Precinct
Special Victims Unit Squadroom
"Grandpaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"
"Whoa there Squirt! I need to keep my eardrumbs please." I laugh as I pick up my six year old grandson.
"Guess what?!?!"
"What?" I raise my eyebrows at the boy and smile when he grins excitedly.
"Uncle Ellie's takin' me to see Mommy when he goes on his lunch break. I made her presents."
"Oh yeah? That sounds really fun Mattie." Tears fill my eyes at the memory of my daughter and I have to swallow and squeeze my eyes shut for a second to make sure they don't fall.
"Yep! Uncle Ellie says that he thinks she'll be able to hear me in Heaven if I talk to her too! Do you want me to tell her hi for you?"
"Yea Matthew. Tell her hi and I love her for me, okay?" He nods and big brown eyes identical to his mother's sparkle when he smiles. Matthew, or Mattie as we usually call him, looks like a clone of his mother. He has big almond shaped brown eyes, medium brown hair that he keeps cut close to his scalp identical to Elliot's, olive toned skin, soft features and the brightest smile you'll ever see in your life.
"Mattie? Come on Buddy. We gotta get you down to day-care so Uncle El and Grandpa can get to work." Elliot is almost the same as he's always been when he steps into my office but, just like everyday for the past four years, the butane spark of his eyes is gone and they look dull and grey. He seems worse today, but it's understandable since it's the anniversary of her death. I'm fairly positive Mattie and his other four kids are the only things keeping him alive at this point.
Everyone knows that Matthew is Elliot's son, except Mattie that is. She never out right told anyone except Casey, Alex and Melinda but we all had our suspicions. And after she died Elliot took custody of Mattie, changed his last name from Benson to Benson-Stabler and told us all that our suspicions were correct. Elliot doesn't want to tell Mattie though because all his life he has believed that his father died in a car crash. Elliot said they decided that was best so they didn't have to explain why his mommy and daddy didn't live together and so that they wouldn't have to explain things to the squad. I personally thought it was the dumbest thing I'd ever heard in my life but no one listens to what I think.
I wasn't really angry with Elliot after that. I knew they loved each other. Hell, I knew they were sleeping together. Not purposely mind you, but I had the unfortunate accident of calling Elliot one night at about midnight, talking and when I was ready to hang up I heard a beep like he had hit a number instead of the end button and then I heard voices. His and a woman's. A woman's I knew. My daughter's voice. Then I heard moaning, panting and my daughter, "Damn. He sure as hell has shitty timing doesn't he? I was just about to cum, too." Yea, I hung up faster than Earnhardt Jr. passing Gordon at Indy 500.
"Allright! I gotta go Grandpa. I'll make sure I remember to tell Mommy that stuff for you and I'll be extra good for Melany at day-care today. I promise she won't have to call you and complain again!" I laugh and nod, rubbing his head and scooting him towards the door.
"Okay Squirt. You have fun today and call me tonight before you go to bed. Maybe we can go to lunch tomorrow." He grins, nods and scampers off with Elliot, both of them waving goodbye.
July 17, 2011
12:30 PM
Garden Of Memories
Fallen NYPD Policemen Memorial Wall
He's standing there, about twenty feet away from me and I can see his lips moving and I can tell he's whispering and he's smiling and he's laying the picture he painted, it's of her in the sky with a halo and us playing basketball on what looks like blacktop, on the marble headstone. This is the third year we've come here on the anniversary of her death and just like always he's made me go away so he can, 'whisper with his guardian angel Mommy.' That's what he's always told me. God, thank you for this boy.
Mattie is truly my sanity. I've promised myself to tell him he's my son once he turns eight. Or maybe nine. Or ten. Ah, Hell, I don't know. I just know I will. She would've wanted me to. I just know she would've. We may have only had a year together but it was the best year of my life and I think it was the best of her's too.
We got together a few months after Kathy and I split up and we broke up when Mattie was three weeks old. I felt like shit because it was my fault. I cheated. I got drunk over a case where a three week old baby boy was killed, we had a fight and I cheated on her with Kathy. Jesus, I still feel like shit because I know that even if it would've been someone else we probably could've worked it out. But when she found out I cheated with Kathy, my ex-wife, she started to doubt herself and my love for her. So we broke up, decided what was best for Mattie, and had stayed just friends for almost two years when she died.
"Okay, Uncle Elliot! I'm all done! I'm going to go to the car. Hurry up! You promised me we could go to Dairy Queen when we got done!" I nod at him and watch as he walks back to the car, gets in and locks it, then I make my way up to the grave.
"Hey Babe. Hope you're havin' fun up there. Mattie's gettin' really big. He looks just like you. Sometimes it's even hard to look at him because he looks so much like you. But then he says something to me and he makes me smile and I absolutely can't help but love him even more than I already did. He keeps a couple pictures of you by his bed. There's that one we took the day he was born, and you're sitting on my lap and holding him. He loves it. And he keeps that one that we took at the park with him a couple weeks before you died. You know, the one where he's on the swings and you're behind him, pushing him. Yea, he loves that one too. He learned how to ride a two wheeler without his training wheels last month. And he's getting really good at basketball. What can I say, it runs in the Stabler genes. I'm thinking about telling him he's my son. I just don't know how. God I miss you so much. You could've done everything so much better than me. I'm so sorry Baby. I love you." I sigh and place a long stemmed rose on the tombstone and kiss my fingers, placing them against her name. I then read the poem I wrote and had engraved, the usual script, the dates and her name engraved along the marble stone.
If Tears Could Build A Stairway
If tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane
I would walk right up to Heaven
and bring you back again
No farewell words were spoken
No time to say "Goodbye"
You were gone before I knew it
and only God knows why
My heart still aches with sadness
and secret tears still flow
What it meant to love you-
No one can ever know
But now I know you want me
to mourn for you no more
To remember all the happy times
life still has much in store
Since you'll never be forgotten
I pledge to you today-
A hollowed place within my heart
is where you'll always stay
Loving mother, friend and police woman
You will always be remembered
August 25, 1967 - July 17, 2007
Olivia Marie Benson
Author's Note2: I was just going to use her name instead of "she" and "her" throughout the story because I knew you'd all know who it was anyway since (1. it's me writing and who else do I write about and 2. I put Mattie's full name) but I figured you'd get the full experience of the memories being so painful that they can't even think of her name without bursting into sobs. SOOO...yea. If I continue I'll explain how she died, what all happened with Liv n El, what happened when El cheated, what happened with Mattie and maybe I can make you not so mad at me. I do have my ways. So R&R my pretties!