Hellooo lovelies. As the time is passing, I am missing Cal more and more. And even more. It's heartbreaking to see Ethan how he is. So, had an idea for a new story and not all too sure where I'll go with it but here it is :-) hope you like. Please leave a review!
(also note that it is written as if Alicia and Cal only broke up a month before his death, and that Alicia and Ethan had seen each other a few times behind his back in the duration of the relationship - juuuust in case any of you are detail-sticklers. I certainly am!)
One second. Two seconds. Three, four, five. An entire minute. Maybe even more.
The thumping noise in his ears. The squeezing pain in his chest. A hand lightly shaking his shoulder. Nothing could be enough to quell the voices in his head, or to put a stop to the tears cascading down his cheeks. His eyes felt raw and they burned. They'd seen far too much.
'I know. I know.' The words seemed to bring everything crashing back to reality, something which Ethan found both comforting and disturbing. Two little words. Merely recognition of the pain, or perhaps vocalised to offer reassurance. For all he felt slightly less alone upon hearing it, it also had the potential to completely ruin him. If he let it. It felt like an insult. A force from deep inside him was aiding and abetting him to stand up to her. Take her by the shoulders. Spit venom at her. Anything to make her understand that she did not understand. It was bitter ignorance. That was his brother. She knew nothing. How could she be so stupid?
Through the cracks in his fingers, he saw her. She wasn't going to leave. She hadn't left. It had been days. The air was stale, she had showered in cold water, she had eaten the scarce remains of grains that could only be described as inedible from the cupboard. Ethan most definitely hadn't been up to sorting the bills, it had been Cal's job. All the grown up stuff was... Cal stuff. The broken boiler had been on the list of things that needed fixing, and he had the money to do so. On the scale of importance, it suddenly seemed woefully low. She had stayed through it all. He hadn't asked her to, but she had. The tears clouded his poor vision even further, yet between the shaky sobs, when he stopped to take a breath, he could faintly see her. Her blonde hair was matted and wiry, yesterday's mascara had come to rest just under the darkening shadows near her eyes. Yet still, the anxious angel that sat before him was rooted to the bed. There, in case he decided he wanted to talk. In case he decided he wanted to move on. The face of someone upset. Desperate to rid him of the hurt. Hopeful enough to will him a fast recovery. Grounded enough to know it wouldn't be that easy.
When Alicia left and returned with a glass of something, Ethan didn't even look up. Ambiguity was a newfound aspect in a lot of areas of his life. He didn't want whatever she'd brought, nor did he care to know what it was. He had a guess, though. Water wouldn't numb the pain.
'Drink this.' She said, an edge to the softness in her voice. He didn't take the glass off her. They sat in silence for a couple of seconds.
'Ethan, please..' Her voice wobbled slightly as the words came out. He prised his fingers from his cheeks, and his face begun to sting. It was probably swollen. His lungs hurt, ached. Pleaded with him to stop the relentless tears, just for a while. His eyes hovered upwards and met hers. She gave a small nod, outstretched an arm, and Ethan's fingertips met with the cool glass. He lifted it to his lips as she watched on. He didn't flinch as it tipped over the side and onto his leg and the sheets. Her hand was on his quickly, guiding him, stopping him from shaking. Ethan felt tears well in his eyes again, and reluctantly gulped down the remaining liquid from the vessel.
She placed it on the side, quietly, and opened her mouth to talk. She shut it again. Actions prevailed over words. Ethan's hand remained limp as she took it in hers.
'Thanks.. for the water.' Ethan's voice sounded oddly strangled - his throat felt scratchy. Nothing felt right.
'That's okay,' She whispered. 'Um... you-you must be hungry. I'll see what I can find.'
Ethan's fingers gripped hers then, and she looked back up at him. 'Stay... please. I'm not too certain we have anything in, besides.' He added, rubbing his face with his spare hand. The pain in his voice was audible each time it cracked, and Alicia half felt as if she was dazed. This couldn't be real life. Why wasn't it a dream? Why couldn't she wake them both up?
'It's like seven, though. I get it, you're not ready to face up to things just now. You must look after yourself physically though. And, if you won't...' Alicia looked at Ethan now, sadness etched into her expression. 'Please let me.'
What she was saying began to make sense. Ethan's mind was polluted with the grief and the hurt and the anger and fear, but his body was crying nearly as much as he was. He needed nourishment of some kind, and he wasn't altogether stupid.
'Takeaway?' Alicia asked.
Ethan felt as if he'd been struck again. As if, he was the one who'd been stabbed. The last meal he and Cal had eaten together was, in fact, a takeaway. His eyes had fixed on the wall, unblinking.
Alicia bit her lip. 'Chinese, or pizza?' She asked. Her words faded into the background.
'Um.. how about pizza? Pizza was.. is.. Cal's favourite.' Ethan nodded, a series of jerky movements that seemed all too enthusiastic.
'Yeah. Okay. I'll go ring for it. We're having a pizza each, and we're having sides. And puddings. If you don't eat it all, it doesn't matter. Food fixes a lot of pain.' Alicia gave him a small smile. She realised she'd rambled, but Ethan's obvious grief made her feel slightly awkward and embarrassed. She often had no idea of how to respond, she was making it up as she went along. Improvised comforting. People were helping, but no one was helping helping. Not in the way she was, or in the way that she could.
Ethan heard faintly the tone of Alicia, as softly-spoken as ever, in the next room. He'd just had a massive panic attack, again. There she was, ordering their tea, seemingly unfazed and calm as ever. She hadn't run, like he thought she might.
He stared blankly at the glass on the side. He could throw it. Transfer some of the bad energy into something. Break something like something broke him. He gave a sigh. Something stronger than plain water would have lifted the pain a little while, made him forget. He drowned out his useless thoughts by focusing on the fact she was still on the phone in the kitchen. His mind wandered. Ethan wished he could phone his big brother. In fact, wished that it was Cal on the phone. He even wished Alicia was with Cal now, and that Ethan was all alone. Or even that he was the one to be dead.
A searing sensation of pain culminated in his chest as he remembered, with guilt, that she was a person too, and, Ethan loved her. More than she even knew.
His brother died because he loved them both. Ethan knew how it felt to lose someone you loved, probably knew it better than anyone else. His mother. Then, out of the blue, his other mother. The biggest blow of all, his rock in the form of Cal. It was an awful experience that nobody should have to experience, not least the lovely Alicia. How selfish was it for him to wish he'd died? That would be no better. Death still brought grief. He didn't want anyone he cared for to go through such unimaginable pain. He berated himself for his thoughts. He couldn't begrudge his relationship or the fact that he was the brother alive. He had to muddle through. Life wasn't in the habit of being fair, or so it had proved to Ethan.
She soon came to the doorway, meeting Ethan's tired eyes with a gentle expression.
'I'm going to switch on the kettle and try run a bath, if you'd like it first.' Her eyes were imploring, almost as if she was searching for the Ethan she knew was buried deep inside. He got the sense she needed the comfort in that way, and he felt guilty again for not being the man she deserved. It was like he'd been thrown far away from the person he once was; he couldn't even imagine how he'd find his way back.
'You have it, uh, I'll have it after.' He stuttered, trying to make the positivity in his voice sound convincing.
Alicia just gave him a half smile and shrugged. 'I just feel a bit grubby and thought it makes sense to before tea arrives. If you're okay with that?' She checked.
Of course it was fine. Ethan hesitated before speaking again.
'Yeah.. yeah. I'll tidy up a bit, there's clutter everywhere.' Ethan said.
'You don't have to, I don't mind doing it tomorrow before my shift..' Alicia told him.
'No, I-I.. I want to. Won't take long.' He nodded. He observed her reaction, and to his relief, she seemed happy with this.
'Okay. If you get bored, or if you wanna chat. Or, if you want to come in to the bathroom. Not in the biblical sense, obviously, but-' Alicia was beginning to get flustered, obviously worried of being too insensitive.
'Alicia. It's fine.' Ethan just gave a nod, a small smile reaching his lips. Alicia just nodded back, and turned to leave the room.
Ethan exhaled through pursed lips, wondering if the emptiness in his stomach would only take a meal to subside.