A/N: I'm sorry for the very OOC Kurt in this story, but there is a good reason why if you'll stick with it until the end. I promise. Oh, and just ignore my incredibly lame insults. Getting into the mind of Santana was harder than I thought!
Santana Lopez was very hard to live with.
No, really…she was the roommate from hell. As if her unexpected arrival wasn't jarring enough, her constant stream of insults and snooping were definitely pushing the limit. And, to make matters worse, she had taken a liking to finding every opportunity to embarrass her roommates in front of their respective lovers. Their love lives were a game to her.
In just three weeks, Santana had already shown embarrassing baby pictures, excerpts from Rachel's diary, and Kurt's thong (he insisted it was needed to wear under skinny jeans only) to both Adam and Brody. Kurt and Rachel dreaded what she would find next. In addition to all of this, Santana liked to play pranks. She was quite fond of sneaking into the bathroom when either one of them was taking a shower to flush the toilet, making the water go ice cold for a few seconds. She swore that Rachel's really high notes were almost enough to shatter the bathroom mirror, and she cackled gleefully at helping Kurt, in her own words, "Access his whistle register."
On a warm spring afternoon, Santana sauntered into the living room area and flopped down onto the couch next to Rachel and Brody, stretching like a cat in order to get comfortable.
"Seems really quiet in here. Where is Twinkle Toes and his English Stud Muffin?" She asked casually.
Rachel rolled her eyes at the insult but decided to answer her question anyway.
"Kurt and Adam are out seeing a movie. Why do you ask?"
"Oh." The Latina smirked, drumming her fingernails on the arm of the couch. "That's very good news. And here I thought I'd have to spend an afternoon being bored with you two."
"What do you mean?" Rachel raised an eyebrow with suspicion.
Santana grinned, springing up from the couch with a renewed sense of energy.
"I'm gonna go find Kurt's dildo before they get back. I'm sure Dr. Who would love to see it. Be my lookout, okay?"
"I'm not going to be your lookout, Santana!" Rachel huffed, glaring at the Latina. "What you are doing is wrong. It's an invasion of privacy, it's despicable, it's…"
"It's hilarious!" Santana smirked, cutting her off in mid-rant. "Come on, aren't you the least bit curious to see how bright Kurt can blush? My guess is that he'll look like a rotten tomato."
"No, Santana!" Rachel shot back. "And anyway, how are you so sure he has one of those?"
"Don't all gay guys have one? It's like a fairy code or something." Santana shrugged before looking at Brody. "Donkey Face, I'm counting on you to be my lookout."
"Sure." Brody shrugged, causing Rachel to gape angrily.
"I knew you couldn't be totally useless." Santana nodded her thanks before taking off towards Kurt's side of the apartment, leaving Rachel and Brody to hash it out on the couch.
"You know, Santana…" Santana heard Rachel call after her.
"What, Priss Miss?" Santana threw over her shoulder.
"Maybe if you went out to find a girlfriend of your own, you wouldn't feel the need to try to make Kurt and I so miserable!" Rachel's voice rang out.
"Oh, fuck you. And not in that way. Don't get your hopes up." (Santana heard Brody snort at this).
"I'm serious!" Rachel continued. "You'll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, you know!"
Santana rolled her eyes, focusing on tuning the human pipsqueak out as she pushed past Kurt's curtain and stepped into his room area. She took a moment to take in her (too clean) surroundings before creeping over to his night desk, smirking to herself as she did so. She slowly, gingerly opened it up…
She blinked in confusion as her eyes fell upon a small container with pills inside of it.
Oh, dear God. Please tell me that Hummel is not on Viagra already. That will be the saddest thing I've ever seen in my life….
She reached in and picked up the medication, carefully reading the label. Her heart just about stopped when she did so. No, it was not Viagra. It was something far worse, and far more unexpected.
She was holding anti-psychotic medication in her hand.
Kurt was on anti-psychotics.
A shiver went through her as she almost lost her grip on the bottle. She stood there, frozen in place. She tried to think of any clues as to weird behavior Kurt exhibited in the past. Yes, he was a bit flamboyant, but he was very peaceful and soft spoken. He was never violent. Never…psychotic….
This didn't make any sense. Kurt would've told her and Rachel if he was dealing with any serious mental illnesses, right? When did this happen? Maybe he was on medication all along since that God awful junior year of his in high school and no one noticed? Maybe he didn't tell anyone because he was ashamed at being labeled a crazy person? Did Kurt think that she would make fun of him?
Okay, I can be a bitch…but I'm not that heartless. It's not like I'm going to start calling him Norman Bates or anything like that. Is that why he didn't tell me? Does Rachel know?
Santana debated whether or not she should confront Kurt about her findings. Would he get violent with her? Kurt was never violent with anyone, not even bugs (which he more or less ran away from). He had this old fashioned, chivalrous point of view towards women, too. He was a gentlemen, albeit a rather femme one.
Maybe I should just put this back and pretend I never saw it…
"Santana?"
At the sound of her name, Santana's stomach dropped so fast that she swore she was about to throw up. Jolted from her thoughts, she had to bite her lip to keep from squealing as she whirled around to face a confused looking Kurt standing in front of the curtained entrance to his bedroom. She realized that she was standing there stupidly, with his medication still in her hand. She had been caught red handed.
"What's this?" Santana spoke up, trying to put on a brave face. She hated the slight tremor in her voice. "Are…are these…? What do you need them for?"
Kurt's expression changed into a neutral, unreadable one as she brought the subject up. It was then that Santana realized just how tall he was, taking in his full height. His blue-green eyes hardened into a stormy grey.
"Does Rachel know about this?" Santana could not keep the slightly pleading tone out of her voice. Now was not the time to be confrontational…even she knew that. "We're your friends, Kurt. Did you not think that we'd understand?"
Kurt's features dropped into a frown. He slowly walked further into the room, walking towards her. Santana's heart leapt into her throat at the action, and she couldn't help but back away slightly. She wondered where the hell Rachel, Brody and Adam were. She wondered if she could take on Kurt by herself if he snapped (he was pretty slender). Her mind whirled, trying to think of an escape plan.
"Don't you know you're not supposed to snoop through things that don't belong to you?" Kurt asked softly, a hint of anger in his tone. His face began to flush slightly, and Santana didn't think it was from embarrassment.
"I…" Santana's mind was racing, yet she couldn't think of a damned thing to say. She started to shake in earnest now. "I don't…"
Her heart thudded painfully in her chest when she noticed something gleaming in Kurt's hand. He was holding a knife. She couldn't help but jump when she saw it. She began to sweat.
"Kurt!" She whispered harshly, shaking her head. "Don't! You don't know what you're doing!"
She was trembling violently as he raised it to her, pointing at her playfully with it. It was splotched in red. Santana felt sick to her stomach and tears sprang to her eyes.
"What did you do?!" A yell burst from within her, cutting through the too-silent room. She was horrified.
Kurt said nothing, but gave her an eerie, funhouse mirror smile in response. His eyes had a dangerous glint to them.
"Santana…" He was almost giddy.
"Fuck!" Santana hissed. She took a deep breath, getting ready to knock him down and run for it.
"Santana," He tried again. His grin turned into that of a self-satisfied smirk. The dangerous, mad look to his eyes dissipated. "Rachel and I are making special cupcakes in honor of April Fool's Day. Do you want to help?"
And just like that, Santana's perception slowly started to kick in. The knife he was holding was a butter knife, the red substance on it was red icing. Things slowly began to dawn on her. It's as if her brain had fallen asleep, and was slowly beginning to sense things normally again.
"What?" She asked stupidly, still too stunned to process what just happened even has her brain was catching up. She felt like she was waking up from a nightmare.
"I'm so glad you found my Tic Tacs!" Kurt went on, taking the bottle she still held in her trembling, white knuckled grip. "I was looking all over for those!"
Santana heard Rachel cackling from the main room. Realization began hitting her in stages.
It was all one big, motherfucking JOKE!
Rage began to boil under the surface of her shock, but she still couldn't bring herself to say anything witty. Hell, she still couldn't move an inch. She was too stunned. Santana Lopez was at a loss for words. She stood there, mouth open and eyes glaring daggers into Kurt's back as he proceeded to walk out of the bedroom.
"Oh, and by the way…" Kurt stopped just before exiting, turning back to look at her with a rather saucy look in his eyes. "I don't have a dildo. Those things are so overrated. I use my hands, if you simply must know."
And then he slipped out of the room. Seconds later, she could hear the Olsen Twins cackling and high fiving one another. Rachel complimented Kurt on his acting skills.
Later that night, Santana would admit that the joke was epic and that, for once, they got her good. It would take Adam and Rachel to hold her back from killing Kurt at first, but nonetheless, even she would find it within her to appreciate the prank.
THE END
A/N: I am warming to Santana and I like her and Hummelberry together (she balances out their sugary sweetness with a little spice). Still, I wish Kurt or Rachel would just beat her at her own game for once. And no, I have never stuffed Tic Tacs into a medication bottle with a fake label printed onto it before….but now I kind of want to! XD Could you imagine the reactions it would get? ;)