Random quotes and sayings
Shut up voices… or I'll poke you with a Q-tip again!
When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in people's eyes.
I advise you, don't mess with me; I know karate, kung Fu, judo, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 28 other dangerous words.
Good friends don't let you do stupid things….alone.
Facebook is like jail. You sit around, waste time, have a profile picture, write on walls, and get poked by people you really don't know.
I'm in shape, round is a shape.
I love Facebook, it's the only place I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot.
People say you can't live without love… I think oxygen is more important.
Sometimes I listen to a stranger's conversation and give a mental opinion.
I was normal, until I met a bunch of losers, today I call these losers my best friends.
If another woman steals your man, there's no better revenge than to let her keep the bastard.
If Barbie is popular than why do we have to buy her friends?
I don't know karate, but I know crazy and I'm not afraid to use it.
I hate when people see me in the store and are like "hey what are you doing here?" and I'm like "oh, you know hunting elephants."
Out of my mind, be back in five minutes.
Those first two guys who thought superman was a bird or a plane…why the hell were they so excited!?
Life is too short to remove USB safely.
Convincing yourself in the bathroom that you're not drunk.
You think I'M messed up? You should meet the rest of my family.
MATH, Mental Abuse To Humans.
RAP, Retards Attempting Poetry.
Some say the glass is half full, others say it's half empty, I say "are you gonna drink that?"
3 AM phone call "are you sleeping?"…. "No, I'm skydiving."
"Did you just fall?" , "No, I attacked the floor." , "Backwards?" , " I'm freaking talented."
You're not drunk until you have to hold onto the grass, to keep from falling off the earth.
I wouldn't say you're stupid. You are, but I wouldn't say it.
What doesn't kill me might make me kill you.
Next time you say 'forever' I'll punch you in the face.
Do not interrupt me when I'm talking to myself.
When life gives you an elevator, press all the f***ing buttons.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than dinner for two (forever alone)
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Just held open the door for an Asian guy and he said "Sank you" …. So I punched him the face. I can't believe he brought up Pearl Harbor like that.
It took me five minutes to write that text and all you say is "k"
Smile, listen, agree….then do whatever the f*** you wanted to do anyway.
What has been seen cannot be unseen.
The sounds of children laughing make me happy, unless I'm home alone and the powers out.
If you tickle me, I'm not responsible for your injuries.
I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.
Fortune cookie says "you'll live a long life." Chokes on cookie.
Smile it confuses the enemy.
My mirror and camera have two completely different opions on how I look.
Don't like me? Good I don't get up every morning to impress you.
ME: I'm finally happy. LIFE: Oh shit. I can't let that happen, let me throw in something bad.
Sarcasm: just one of the many services I offer.
"Three out of five smokers die" apparently the other two became immortal.
Whenever your feeling sad, remember there is some idiot in the world pulling a door that says push.
An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body.
Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues.
I don't get drunk...I get awesome.
You text him, he doesn't text back. He was obviously so excited you texted him he fainted.
I don't have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination.
I like rumors...I find out so much about me that I didn' even know.
I hope karma slaps you before I do.
I'm not insane, my mother had me tested.
My house is full of ransackery! I have been ransacked!