"Your brother hates you" the words still haunted Edgar Hansen's mind. That fight happened months ago during King Crab season but Edgar could still hear Jake's voice spitting those words towards him like it happened yesterday. The fight was so vicious that after they made amends, mostly because Edgar cannot stand having someone mad at him, neither one of them ever mentioned it again. Both of them just wanted to pretend it never happened.
But it did happen and those words were said and Edgar wondered if Jake knew something he did not. Jake and Sig were pretty close, almost like father and son and Edgar genuinely wondered if Sig shared some long buried feeling about his youngest brother with his "adopted" son.
Did Sig hate him, really hate him? Oh sure, Edgar and Sig had their arguments and endless days of not speaking to one another but hate….that hurt Edgar more than anything he ever heard in his life. All he had ever done was try to get his oldest brother to love him without seemingly like he needed that love, which he did but couldn't admit, even to himself. But it seemed like Sig just tolerated him or ignored him like he was still that bratty kid that slept down at the end of the hallway. Edgar would push Sig's buttons all the time just to get a reaction out of him and remind him that he still existed, like a naughty child trying to get a distracted parent's attention. Oh, he usually got Sig's attention but the constant bickering and hurtful comments were slowly driving a wedge between them.
Edgar wished he could talk to his brother openly about a lot of things but there was never any time. Sig was always business on the boat and party on the beach and Edgar was trying to raise a family and make a life for himself. So there was never really any chance of a meaningful conversation, not that the two of them were that great at effective verbal communication anyway. Sometimes, Edgar felt like the boat was the only thing holding them together. Otherwise, they just go their separate ways like some siblings do as they get older.
I don't want that to happen to us Edgar thought sadly.
Edgar's brooding was interrupted by Sig climbing the stairs to relieve him of wheel watch. The sun was rising over the sea and the weather was picking up as evidenced by the dark clouds smudging the horizon.
"You can catch another 30 minutes of sleep before we start if you want." Sig said with a yawn.
Edgar looked over at his brother. Sig looked tired and his thinning blond hair was a disheveled mess. Why can't he just take a break and stay home for once instead of making himself sick over this floating nightmare? "No, I'm good" Edgar responded quietly as he turned the chair over. As usual, the two of them carefully avoided any physical contact with each other as the exchange was made.
Sig went about readjusting all his monitors and sensors the way he liked them. Why does my brother have to mess with this stuff anyway? Swear he does it on purpose he thought. It took a couple of minutes for Sig to realize Edgar had not left but was leaning against the shelf behind the captain's chair.
Sig sighed. This sign was never a good start to the morning. "Something on your mind?" Sig asked, slightly annoyed but wishing his voice didn't show it.
Edgar shook his head "No…I guess not." Edgar stood up straight and headed for the stairs to the galley. Someone minus well start the much needed and beloved coffee pot he resigned to himself.
As Sig watched his youngest brother descend the stairs and disappear, he knew something was bothering Edgar to the point of distraction. Shit, I don't have time to deal with him now. Too much to worry about with the weather picking up and the ominous ice warning being spit out by the damn fax machine. Before Sig put the thought from his mind, he couldn't help but wonder for a fleeting second if he ever really made time for his brother.
Later in the day
Edgar was unusually quiet the entire day. Jake noticed it immediately but knew to keep his distance. It was best to leave a cranky deckboss alone. Sig noticed it as well and also kept his distance. Sometime before sunset, Sig called Jake to the wheelhouse to go over some logbooks while the rest of the crew cleaned up from dinner and ready the deck for another round. The weather was awful, snowing and blowing 30 mph but the Northwestern crew fished in anything so not much really fazed them anymore. Their tanks were almost full with beautiful snow crab and they'd be heading into St. Paul Harbor for an offload tomorrow.
Jake bounded up the stairs like a puppy dog and Sig couldn't help but smile. The guy was a breath of fresh air, all energy and drive. Sig saw so much of his younger self in that kid.
"Hey, boss!" Jake said as he started going over the logs from across the wheelhouse.
"How are things on deck, Junior? Seemed kind of quiet down there today" Sig asked absentmindedly.
Jake wasn't sure how to respond to this line of questioning so he dodge the questions as best he could "Yeah, everybody was sorta lost in their own world, just wanting to get the work done, you know, and focus on staying sharp in the weather."
Sig could smell a dodge answer as good as any fisherman worth his salt. He wasn't going to let the kid off the hook on this one.
"What's really going on down there?" Sig asked in that no nonsense tone that made Jake shutter.
Jake looked over at his captain with those ice blue eyes and he shrugged his shoulders honestly. "I don't know. Ed's been real quiet lately. I thought maybe…you and him…got in an argument or something" then he quickly added "not that it's any of my business" with his hands raised up in submission.
Sig turned and looked out the wheelhouse window. He let out a deep sigh. "No, we haven't talked much at all this trip, let alone argue."
"Oh well, he'll be fine, back to his old self, lighting people on fire and trying to blow the place up" Jake said in his usual positive way. He went back to working on the logs, grateful for the work to take him away from an uncomfortable conversation.
Sig continued to stare out the window. He knew his youngest brother well enough to know when something really bad was bothering him. He just wasn't good at dealing with it. Sig never knew what to say or how to say it and everything ended up coming out wrong. Sig sighed to himself. People skills was the one area in his life that just about sucked. Dealing with Edgar for some reason always highlighted that weakness in him. It seemed like him and his brother were constantly hurting each other in one way or another for many years. It was no wonder that people that did not know them thought they actually hated each other. Hell, people that did know them thought they hated each other. It wasn't that long ago that Jake himself, Edgar's best bud, screamed 'your brother hates you' across the deck for the whole world to hear. Edgar never acknowledged that comment and they never talked about it. Sig assumed Jake explained later to Edgar that he was just angry, frustrated and looking for a way to hurt him with something that was completely untrue.
Something clicked in Sig's mind at that moment. Edgar knows I do love him, right? Jesus, I've devoted my whole life to making sure that guy didn't end up on skid row like so many other fishermen I know. He does know that, doesn't he? Do I have to say it all the time? Well, maybe not all the time. I guess I never say it at all. But that was how the three Hansen brothers had been raised by their father – tough love they called it. Suck your emotions down and never show each other how you feel. No hugs, no pats on the back, just the occasional handshake were permitted. Saying I love you was out of the question. You were just expected to know it.
Sig sat in the wheelhouse for a long while going through the emotions of anger, regret and finally acceptance. I need to find a way to remind my brother I love him.
Sig was a giver. In his language of love, he gave gifts to show his emotions. Words were much, much harder for him. He thought about Edgar's 40th birthday which was in a few days. He knew what he wanted to get him that would show him he really cared about him. It was something Edgar had as a teenager that he lost when he had to sell it to pay their father back on money borrowed. Edgar had never gotten another one, never got over losing it either. Sig was just going to have to come up with something a little creative to pull this one off.
Several days later
After a successful offload and during the return trip to pick up pots set for a town soak, Edgar awoke to his 40th birthday. The day was sunny and unusually calm for January on the Bering Sea but none of that mattered to him. He lay in his bunk for a few minutes and thought what the hell am I doing here. I should be home with the people that love me. Inwardly he sighed, dug deep and rose from his bed. Every muscle in his body ached and his hands were cracked and sore. Ignoring the pain as he had been trained to do, he stretched and dressed slowly in his black Northwestern hooded sweatshirt. He noticed that Matt, Nick and Jake had long departed the stateroom to start work for the day. Wow, my brother must have been in a generous mood to let me sleep in a little – must be my birthday after all he thought with an eye roll to the ceiling. He started to make his bed and straighten up the tiny room before he left.
As if Sig could read his inner thoughts, his brother picked that very moment to come bounding into the room and lock the door behind him. Sig was positively bouncing with excitement as he made his way into the room over the mountain of dirty clothes pilled on the floor. He stopped to stand across from Edgar. Sig was dressed in his usual blue jeans and soft gray button-down shirt. He was feeling a little fatigued from steering the boat for the last 24 hours but that wasn't going to slow him down this morning.
Oh God, Edgar thought, I've screwed something up and he just can't wait to lay into me.
"What's gotten into you this morning? Who's steering this boat anyway?" Edgar asked in an effort to cut Sig off at the pass and avoid a lecture this early in the day. He leaned against Nick's bunk
"Norm's upstairs" Sig said as he motioned to the wheelhouse. "I wanted to see you alone for a few minutes and Norm is more than capable of steering the boat" Sig said in defense of their middle brother as he leaned on the opposite bunk.
"Didn't say he wasn't" Edgar responded quickly. "What's up?" God, can we not have an argument today of all days.
"I wanted to talk to you." Sig replied suspiciously
Edgar groaned "What the hell did I do now?"
Sig needed to change the direction of this conversation quickly. "Well, you turned another year older, for one thing."
"Yea, thanks for reminding me…NOT…I was wondering why I got to sleep in this morning." Edgar said sarcastically.
Sig had to make every effort to avoid Edgar's defensive stance. He wanted this to go well. "Sleeping in ain't the only thing you get today" and Sig took out a little box, wrapped in metallic blue paper, from his shirt pocket and handed it to his brother.
Edgar took the proffered box in his right hand. It even had a little white bow on the top. He turned his dark green eyes towards his brother with shock. As a rule, birthdays were not celebrated out at sea and gifts were most certainly not exchanged. This was just…not done…so Sig was not surprised by his youngest brother's shocked expression.
"Well…open it!" Sig commanded with his cobalt blue eyes dancing.
"Umm..ok" Edgar said dumbfounded. He tore the paper off and found a plain cardboard box that was taped shut. Breaking the seal, he dumped the contents into his left hand.
It was a miniature toy motor bike, green and black in color, like the Matchbox ones his youngest son still played with. Edgar held it in his hand for a minute, playing with the front wheel. "Very cute" he said, not sure what to make of this tiny gift.
"Maybe, but the real one is far from cute. It's waiting for you at home. You just have to pick out the one you like when the season is over" Sig said quietly but could not hide the giant grin on his face.
Edgar stared at his brother for a few minutes, not knowing what to say. Then he turned his eyes to the floor and swallowed hard. He immediately thought of the motor bike he had as a teenager. He loved that bike. And, in an effort to teach him a lesson, his father sold it to pay off Edgar's debt to him. His father even humiliated him by making him stand in the driveway during the sale. It hurt, really hurt to watch that bike get sold to some greedy, spoiled rich kid that got everything handed to him and never worked a day in his life. Edgar never said anything about it and figured no one cared enough about him to notice. But apparently his oldest brother took notice to his pain at the time and remembered it years later. Now, his brother was giving him a brand new bike for his birthday.
The cardboard box dropped out of Edgar's hand down to the bunk. "I…can't" was all he could get out as he was suddenly overwhelmed with a lot of buried emotions all at the same time. He started to shake.
Sig's grin fell like a pot leaving the launcher. "Why not?" he questioned. This was not how he expected this conversation to go.
Edgar continued to study the floor but his eyes were starting to burn and his boots were becoming blurry. Not wanting Sig to think he didn't like the gift, which he really did, he blurred out "it's great but…I don't deserve it" he said under his breath.
Sig practically pounced on that statement. "What the hell are you talking about, of course you do!"
Edgar could only continue staring at his boots and holding in the tears that were filling up in his eyes. He couldn't say anything. The normally "Nothing Will Shut Me Up" deckboss was at a loss for words.
Sig looked hard at his brother. This is worse than I thought. He also realized at that moment that Jake never cleared things up with Edgar about that fight and that horrible, brutal lie.
"What do you think?" Sig asked quietly, "That I hate you or something?"
Edgar's heart painfully contracted at the question. He couldn't help himself but look up straight into his brother's gaze, causing the tear that had been hanging on his eyelash to fall down his cheek in a silent act of betrayal. He had to know, as painful as the answer might be. It was better to know then spend the rest of his life wondering. He gathered his courage and asked "Do you….…hate me?" in a soft, shaky voice.
No answer. Just silence. The air in the room hung heavy. Sig just continued staring at his brother with no expression and no outward evidence of what the answer might be.
Edgar finally looked away from his brother and shut his eyes. He actually felt his heart starting to break.
Sig didn't answer immediately because he was in a state of shock. How the hell did this happen to us. Damn. How could he think this? Sig got angry for an instant but the anger faded when he saw the open pain on his brother's face. He realized instinctively that if he did not open his heart now at this very moment, he'd lose his brother forever. And that thought scared him to death. I don't know what to do. Stop thinking and just do what you want to do!
Then the strangest thing happened in the Hansen world. Sig took a step towards his youngest (but taller) brother, grabbed one of his arms with his own hand and with his other hand, gently turned his brother's face so that dark green eyes would be looking into blue ones. Edgar flinched at the strange touch and resisted pointlessly. He figured he was about to get punched in the face so he kept his eyes closed and waited for the blinding pain. When nothing happened, he opened them. That was the moment Sig had been waiting for.
The words Sig thought hardest to say just tumbled out. "I love you" he whispered, "Always. ...don't you know that?"
The last clear thought Edgar had in his mind before he lost it was don't cry in front of your tough oldest brother, don't cry, and don't cry. Too late. The youngest Hansen brother's resolve broke and the tears came in shoulder-racking sobs. Without thinking, Edgar buried his face into Sig's neck and shoulder in an effort to muffle the sound so the rest of the crew, including his stoic middle brother, wouldn't find out that he broke down and cried like a baby just because his oldest brother loved him. Not just loved him, but actually SAID IT out loud. Edgar didn't realize how badly he needed to hear it until that moment. He felt the fear of not being loved desolve away and was replaced by waves of relief and joy so powerful that they broke his tough exterior and he just let everything go.
Sig instinctively put his arms around Edgar and pulled him close. He felt Edgar tense slightly, relax and then just sort of melt into him. Sig just held him for awhile and didn't know what to say. Comforting words did not come naturally to him. As a matter of fact, this kind of close affection with his brother would cause Sig intense embarrassment and make him want to run and hide. Yet, for some reason, this felt…right. Sig wanted to tell his brother things would be right between them from now own.
Sig whispered, "I'm trying…you know it's hard for me…you of all people know why."
Edgar nodded in his understanding. Their father had been extremely hard on the three of them but Sig, being the oldest, always took the brunt of his father's temper and old-fashioned ways. Edgar knew that and he was always secretly afraid that Sig resented him for all the years of rough treatment he took on behalf of his younger brothers. Maybe that was why it was so difficult for Edgar to believe Sig really did love him. That much love is just freaking overwhelming and Edgar questioned if he deserved it.
Edgar listened to his brother's heart beating in his chest. "I'm sorry", he said with such heartfelt passion that he didn't recognize his own voice.
Sig put his hand gently on the back of Edgar's neck and asked sincerely "Why?"
Edgar started crying again and responded between sobs, "I don't know….I…feel so bad…for doubting you."
Sig hugged his brother tightly and let him cry himself out for a while. Finally Sig said "Don't be sorry…Edgar…please stop crying…you're killing me."
Edgar laughed through the tears. He buried he face one last time into his brother's shirt but caught the faint smell of something very familiar. It was a scent he had not smelled in a long time.
"You smell like dad" Edgar said as he gently pulled away from Sig and tried to collect himself.
Sig looked embarrassed but laughed. "Yea, sometimes I wear that old shit he use to use after shaving…makes me feel…like he's still around or something, you know. Guess that's fucking stupid."
Edgar grabbed his brother by both arms and said "No, it's not. Sig, you know if the old man was still here, he'd be so proud of you and everything you've done."
Sig froze at those words. He felt a butterfly float across the inside of his stomach and could not contain the gasp bubbling in his throat. He looked at his brother and started to cry himself, albeit much quieter than Edgar had just been a few minutes ago. Making his father proud was all he ever wanted and hearing out loud that his brother thought that he did was the ultimate reward.
Edgar couldn't remember the last time Sig cried in front of him, or anyone for that matter. Sig was painfully private about those kinds of events. Edgar wasn't sure what to do so he put his arms around Sig's ribcage and gently squeezed. Sig let himself be hugged for a few minutes and realized that being hugged by your brother felt just as good as hugging your brother.
"I miss him so much" Sig finally said with such sadness Edgar actually felt the pain too.
"I know. Me too. There were a lot of things I wish I could have said to him before he died, a lot of things I didn't get to do with him." Edgar responded regretfully.
Sig continued crying. Those words hit home for him and he let himself be comforted for a few more minutes. Both brothers stood together for a while thinking of their father and the times they lost with him and the things they never said. Both also had the same exact thought at the same time – I'm not gonna let that happen with my brother, come hell or high water. Finally Sig back away from his brother and quickly wiped the tears off his face. He looked at Edgar out of the corner of his eye "You know, dad would have been proud of all of us, you included" he said with conviction.
Edgar humpfed out loud, "You, yes…Norm, yes…me, not so much" he said as he sat down on his bunk, suddenly very tired or maybe it was just some kind of contentment.
Sig sat down next to him and gave his brother a hard look, "That's not true. Dad would have been really proud of you, too."
Edgar sighed. Sometimes his oldest brother looked through the world with rose-colored glasses and conveniently forgot certain events in their lives. Edgar returned Sig's hard look with one of his own, "That's where you are wrong, Sig. I screwed up…a lot. I got…messed up…a lot. I wasted a lot of time and money and hurt my family…a lot. Now, I'm 40. And I don't know who I am, or what I want, or where to go. Tell me, how could dad be proud of that? Come on, I haven't been the best husband or a good father. Hell, I haven't been a good brother."
Sig rolled his eyes at that statement.
Edgar continued, "I don't want to fight with you all the time. I really don't. I'm tired of it. And I don't really mean to get under your skin all the time. I just don't want you to think I'm…worthless. I'm never gonna be as good at this (motioning to the wheelhouse) as you are so I feel like, why bother, you know. But I don't know what else to do. I am lost…"
Sig was floored by the things his brother was confessing to him and needed to tell him how wrong he was. Suddenly, the tough older brother came back out in him. His voice was flint hard when he said, "You listen to me and listen good."
Edgar was a little surprised at the sudden hardness of his brother's voice, which strangely reminded him of their father. Edgar couldn't suppress the shutter that went up his spine.
Sig continued, "Dad would have been proud of you, that you cleaned up your life." And he continued quickly, "and I don't want to hear you say otherwise." Sig turned towards his brother to make sure he had his full attention. He went on, a little more softly, "I'll tell you who you are because you seem to have consumed too much hydraulic fluid over the years and forgotten. You are a good man, probably the hardest working man I have ever known. You have always been successful at whatever you put your mind too. You will be a great captain one day, I know it. You are pretty fuckin' far from worthless. And you are a good husband and a great father. You are also a good brother."
Edgar interrupted with a "ha, ha."
"Shut up and listen" Sig continued, "I know who I am and I know how difficult I can be." When Edgar looked at him out of the corner of his eye, Sig quickly added, "sometimes…anyway. Yet, you stuck with me. And I was way harder on you than I should have been – that's because of my own selfish reason which I will keep to myself. I live with a lot of regret about how I treated you over the years; I just don't know how to show it. I always thought whatever love you may have had for me, I beat out of you long ago."
"Nope" Edgar interrupted again, "I still love you." He followed that up with a very soft, "Always."
Sig paused for a second and lost his train of thought. He looked at his youngest brother and asked, "How can you still love me? After everything?"
Edgar shrugged, "You're my big brother. You always kept me safe, at least when it mattered the most." Edgar thought for a minute and continued, "You know, other than my wife, you are the only person who never gave up on me. You weren't exactly the loving, affectionate brother I wanted but you were most definitely the brother I needed."
Sig pondered this for a second. "So," he said very slowly, "you're admitting that you still need me?" Sig truly felt like Edgar just absolved him from some of his sins and he was feeling lightheaded.
"Fuck, Sig, don't let it go to your head!" Edgar regretted his words already.
Silence hung between them for while. So much had been said and they didn't exactly know how to continue from this strange, unfamiliar place in their relationship.
Sig broke the silence, "I do love you…very much. Things will be different, I promise I will try to…share…more about…you know, how I…feel."
Edgar looked away from his brother and said, "I can be an asshole with my smartass comments. I will try to stop but old habits are hard to break. By the way, I don't mean anything by the shit I say. I just don't want you to forget about me."
More silence. Then Edgar remembered he was still holding the little toy bike. He held it up in front of him.
"You remembered" Edgar said softly.
"Yeah, I hope you like the new one. Happy Birthday, little brother" Sig said sleepily. He was getting tired and wanted to rest for while.
"Any one I want to pick out, huh?" Edgar said mischievously, starting to believe this incredible gift was real.
"Yes, smartass, but you don't get it until the season's over, which it won't be unless you get your lazy ass out of bed and start working." Sig got up to go to his room and lay down for awhile but not before he gave Edgar a hard shove into the bunk. As he left he continued his fake complaining, "Stop slacking off. Always thinking because you're the baby, you can get away with shit. Typical. Some things never change" was the last thing he said before he shut the door.
Edgar smiled as he picked himself up off the bed where his brother pushed him down. He took the little bike and put it in the secret compartment of his duffle bag that held letters from his wife, drawings from his kids and other trinkets that had special meaning to him. He thought to himself as he turned to leave and some things do.