PART 1: THE BREAK-UP FIC
Demyx dragged himself out of bed, exhausted from the night before. He grabbed a cup of coffee, hoping that no one spoke to him or even breathed in his direction before he finished his first cup. Unfortunately, this would not be the case, as Axel appeared, looking steamed. (excuse the pun)
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"… getting coffee, what does it look like?"
"No, I mean what are you doing with my ex?"
"You broke up with Roxas like… three months ago. He's fair game. Don't you know the rules of breaking up?" Axel tapped his foot impatiently.
"No. Enlighten me."
"First month is for grieving, second month you get drunk and forget about it, the third month you have sex with anything that moves and pick the best one. DUH." He took a sip of coffee. "If you don't follow the rule, you didn't break up properly."
(Note from NIXD: I JUST PWNED EVERY BREAK-UP FIC IN EXISTANCE. Oh, what's a break-up fic? Example: Bishie 1 breaks up with Bishie 2 and in his grief, Bishie 1 runs off and has random sex with Bishie 3, who is usually the villain in the series and Bishie 2 comes to the rescue, kicks Bishie 3's ass and has random sex with Bishie 1. Or a terrifying AU bondage scene.)
ACT 2: THE OC PAIRING FIC
Kyuubi wallowed in his own self pity, contemplating at what moment his life went to ninth level of hell. He pinned his ears back against his head, getting increasingly annoyed at himself (since getting pissed off at the world is overrated.) He glanced up to see… a girl. A scantily clad catgirl plastered in fishnet. "HI KYUUBI!"
"… You know my name?"
"I'm your girlfriend, silly!"
"… no seriously, who the fuck are you?"
"I'm Neko-chan!" The catgirl squealed. Kyuubi mentally came up with a recipe for dead catgirl. She grinned , trying to look gorgeous which pissed off Kyuubi even more.
"Well I'm Yumi-chan from the magical land of flying unicorns and gumdrop mountains. I need to go back to the magical gingerbread castle and rule over my fluffy empire." She didn't pick up the social cue.
"But you promised to train with me and my best friend, Sasuke!" Now Kyuubi felt his ears getting hot and his tail bristling out. He whipped out his cellphone. "Hello, is NumberIXDemyx there? … YES THIS IS URGENT. … Tell that Avatar reject that if he doesn't cut this fic short I'm going to fucking kill someone!"
-TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES D:-
(NIXD: What? Sorry, I was playing Phoenix Wright. I KNOW THE EVIL PLOT BEHIND EDGEWORTH'S JABOT. … Oh, a message from Kyuubi? … he cut the fic short, didn't he? Thought so. But he put up with the mary-sue the longest and that's something to be proud of. Now if you excuse me I'm going to go throw popcorn at people tossing Edgeworth/Phoenix yaoi around.)
ACT 3: THE SOB STORY OC FIC
Sitting in a cheap folding chair in a cheap community center was not one's idea of fun, but for those with problems it was necessary. In a this somber circle was Yuki Sohma, Edward and Alphonse Elric, Gaara, Sasuke Uchiha, and Suki-chan. The leader of the therapy group, Tidus Winchester, sat up straight in his tacky chair and flicked his white cat tail thoughtfully. "Thank you all for coming." Sasuke looked around, as if he was mapping out the room in his mind and noting the nearest exits, emergency or otherwise. "I would like to begin by introducing ourselves and why we are here today."
"I'm Yuki Sohma and the head of my family beat me on a regular basis and my only friend is livestock."
"I'm Edward Elric and I tried to revive our mother who died when I was 8, lost my leg and arm, and brought back a pile of organs instead."
"I'm Alphonse Elric… yeah, what he said except it was my body and all we were able to salvage was my soul."
"I'm Gaara and I have a demon locked inside me, which made all the other kids mock and shun me and then my father tried to kill me."
"I'm… do I have to do this? Fuck, fine. I'm Sasuke Uchiha and my brother slaughtered my entire clan and let me live. And then I betrayed my entire village to get revenge." Everyone stared at Sasuke. "… and I still haven't killed him." Ed stifled a laugh, but was silenced by his brother.
"I'm Suki-chan and I was raped by every man I knew, beaten by my parents who were killed in a car accident, and now my evil twin frames me for everything." Tidus tilted back in his chair.
"Someone came in last week with the same problem, at least the last part. Spiky blonde hair, red coat, mechanical arm, said his brother killed people and blamed it on him… eh, could've been anyone." He shook it off and looked back at his group, which had turned their attention to the girl.
"… and now I cut myself every day."
"Get the hell out, not even Gaara is pathetic enough to do that." Sasuke folded his arms, and slumped in his seat.
"But you didn't-"
"That's right, we didn't rape you." Yuki turned to Al, but decided it was best to keep his comment to himself. Tidus nodded.
"So not every man. I'm sorry, Suki-chan, but you have been voted off the therapy group. Take your torch and the exit is over there. … Sasuke where do you think you're going?"
(NIXD: Wow, I need to do more of these type of fics. And by the way, sob story rapes belong in Law and Order: SVU fics… and there shouldn't BE any Law and Order: SVU fics. I must return to the Demyx tree of throwing… ja ne.)
ACT 4: THE PAIRING BROTHERS WHO HATE EACH OTHER FIC
NIXD: The original idea came from a fan banter I totally missed out on which pains me. Nevermind.
Their entire relationship was in jeopardy, and Naruto was going to fix it all. He approached Sasuke and took a deep breath. "What do you want?" Sasuke snarled.
"Sasuke… I have something to tell you. I've been cheating on you with Itachi."
"Naruto, I have something to tell you... So have I." The blonde blinked in surprise.
"But… he's your brother."
"Mhm."
"And… you hate him."
"True."
"And… you want to kill him."
"Been working on that."
"So why are you sleeping with him?!"
"TO BECOME STRONGER, DUH!" Sasuke yelled back, ready to slam the door dramatically if need be.
"That's retarded!"
"No it's not! It makes absolute sense!" Sasuke folded his arms. "If it's so retarded, prove me otherwise." Naruto was close to admitting defeat. Nevermind the fact that his lover was cheating on him with his brother that slaughtered his entire clan, let him live so he would suffer, and is now running with a bad crowd, he could not find a single point he could argue with.
NIXD: OBJECTION! That was… objectionable!
INTERMISSION: A FEW QUESTIONS
NumberIXDemyx: What? I was supposed to parody something? Yeah, apparently I was. So what have we covered so far… the break-up and the OC pairing. I was going to sit in a tree and throw shit at people who pair Reno and Rude but for some reason I get a call from Yet Another Parody Productions insisting I write another act for this stupid fic or lack thereof. Even worse, I get to answer these… comments, criticism, ramblings? I dunno, whatever you call it. So here are some questions that pretty much will be posed so I'm gonna just jump the gun on this one and type out a QIKYGA (Questions I Know You're Gonna Ask). Here we go.
Dear NIXD;
You appear to hate yaoi. Is this true?
… where to begin…
Dear Romantically Confused Fan;
It's not that I hate yaoi. It's just that most of it makes not a damn bit of sense. Pairings are a good place to start, since I highly doubt anyone with a conscience or doesn't want to entertain the idea of showing up on the Jerry Springer show would have sex with a sibling, buttsex or otherwise. Next pairing group, pairing enemies. If I were a villain, the first instinct I would have is to slaughter the dude rather than sleep with him. Individually, many of the characters are straighter than Billy Graham's train of thought. Thus, none of it makes any sense.
-Your Pretty Straight Nobody, NumberIXDemyx
Wow… that was long. Next QIKYGA!
Dear NIXD;
I have an idea of what to make fun of. Can I send it to you?
Huh… well this is a first.
Dear Aspiring Satirist (ha ha, it almost spells Sitarist);
Yes, you can. Although I reserve the right to showcase your idea, assuming it blows, in a future Intermission and mock it from here to kingdom come, so by all means, give me stuff to make fun of!
-Your Witty Nobody, Demyx
Oh yes. I'm so clever.
Dear NIXD;
I didn't like how you made fun of (this pairing) because I really really like it so it's not funny and it's OTP and I collect fanart for it-
I'm stopping right there, you get the idea. Why do people assume whatever pairing they support is the only plausible pairing in the universe? RIDDLE ME THIS, BATMAN. MUAHAHAHA.
Dear Regular Y-Gallery Visitor;
I don't care what you and your stupid fangirl friends like, I will make fun of it. You can't tell me what I can and can't make fun of because that's what ADMINISTRATORS ARE FOR. If they don't like it, they can delete it and I'll find somewhere else to post my stuff. If you have the right to write dirty fanfics that crossed from yaoi to just plain gay, I have the right to rip on it. No, Auron and Tidus will not have creepy babies. No, Sasuke won't make out with his brother at the drop of a hat. And God forbid that SasuNaru fans crawl up my ass about the first episode! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. THEY GAGGED. END OF STORY. BLARGAFLAGGLESTICK. … I'm good. I'm okay… what was I talking about again? Eh, forget it.
-Your Offensively Addicting Nobody, Demyx
There's one more thing I don't get about the previous statement. If you don't like what I wrote, why are you reading it?! It's not that difficult to stop, just click the "Back" button on whatever browser you use. It's that simple.
I'm done. Go home.