A/N: I know it's been a little while. I really wanted to play around with Red's temper and this was my first attempt. Here's something to tide you over until I can get one of my larger stories finished. Hope you enjoy!
XOXOXO
"Hey, Ma?" Nicky asked, leaning in the doorway of Red's office. Her insides twisted, but she knew it was better to face this head on. She'd been an idiot about WAC and an even bigger idiot about the damn cake. Sometimes her insecurities just got the best of her. She had always been a self-destructive force. Pushing people away was an art she was skilled at.
Red shook her head, never looking up from the notes in front of her. "Not now, Nicky." Her ego was bruised, and her frustration was ever rising. She clasped her eyes shut in frustration when she heard Nicky step further into her space.
Nicky nodded. She hadn't expected anything different, but she had to try. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry." She knew it wouldn't be that simple-she was truly sorry-but she had hoped that it would be enough of a white flag that Red wouldn't shut her out. She had hoped that she could find a way to explain her actions and make things right.
Sighing Red took her glasses off. She spun in her chair to face Nicky. She looked worn out and tired. "I don't doubt that, but I'm too angry to talk about it right now." She nodded towards the door, trying to dismiss Nicky.
"Yeah, but Ma," Nicky said, needing desperately to be forgiven. Red being mad at her was the worst thing that could happen to her. Unfortunately, it had been happening a lot lately. "Please," she whined, leaning up against the wall. "Just talk to me. I don't like it when you're mad at me," she admitted, voice small and exposed.
Red stood up and walked over to her. She could feel her hands shaking in anger. "You want to talk about this now? Huh?" she asked, closing in on Nicky. "You want to talk about how I do everything I can to take care of you, but you just toss it right back at me?" Red shook her head, confused at Nicky's inability to see the big picture.
The younger woman could feel herself cowering down at Red's words. It wasn't the same as Marka's disappointment- it was much much worse. Red's hand moved to the wall next to her head, blocking her inside the small room. She knew Red would never hurt her, but she hadn't seen her this angry before. There weren't many things that could scare Nicky-she'd seen too much in her short life-but Red was one of them.
"How many pieces of cake did you see out there? Huh?" She was completely past any borders of personal space that Nicky might have and inched her slowly back against the wall until Nicky was rising on her tiptoes in order to create space between them. "You come to me and tell me I hurt your feelings, and then you criticize me in front of everyone when I try to make it right," Red continued.
Nicky's head was down, and she was shaking it no. She hadn't realized. Tears were forming in her eyes, and every word out of Red's mouth just brought more shame. "Ma, I…" She could feel the anger radiating off Red in waves. Despite knowing that she was safe, Nicky was trembling all over. Red had that effect on her.
"Oh, no, you don't. You said what you wanted to loud and clear this afternoon. It's my turn to talk," Red snapped. "You were selfish and stubborn, cruel to Lorna, and disrespectful to me. You embarrassed me, Nicky. With your smart mouth, all you could think about was how you could get back at me for how neglected you felt."
Nicky shook her head no and looked up at Red. "It wasn't like that. I know you care. I just..." She shook her head again, struggling for the right words, silently pleading with Red to understand. She didn't know how to make Red see what she was feeling. The cake was a peace offering and apology. Nicky saw that now, but at the time it felt like a consolation. It felt like Red was just trying to shut her up, the same way Marka always had.
"You are always asking Nicky-always needing. I attempt to give you what you need, but when this is how you act I don't know why I try." Red sighed and put a hand on Nicky's shoulder, pushing her back to the ground. "Nicky, after today, I just don't know what to do. I need time to think about this."
"Red?" Nicky asked, voice trembling in fear. Never in all the ways that this scenario had played out in her head did it end with Red pushing her away. Sure Nicky had abandonment issues-and she was used to factoring those in when she bothered to think things through-but with Red, it had never seemed like a possibility. The way the older woman sounded scared Nicky.
Red could feel her anger building, and she needed to settle back down. She wasn't done yelling at Nicky, but she knew that she was very close to causing damage that couldn't be undone. "I need you to go away now," she said, forcing the words out between clenched teeth. "We will talk about it in a little while, but I can't do this with you right now Nicky."
Nicky felt Red pushing her towards the gate and out the door. She heard the gate click shut and turned to look at Red. The gate clearly locked between them was a suffocating presence. Never had she felt so misplaced. "Please," she begged, tangling her fingers in the metal wall.
Smiling sadly, Red tilted her head. "I'll come find you," she said with a firmness that meant business. Without any other response, she turned around and sat back down at her desk, ignoring Nicky's presence. She listened as Nicky's footsteps grow quieter until they disappeared. Once she was sure the girl was gone she let the stray tears fall that she had been holding back.
XOXOXO
Later that evening, Red found Nicky sitting on her bed. She had expected as much. It wasn't the first time that she had been too upset with Nicky to talk right away. If the girl wasn't following her around to try and get in an apology, she would wait somewhere-tucked away from the rest of the girls.
Later that evening, Red found Nicky sitting on her bed. Norma greeted her and quickly left the cube, allowing the other two women their privacy. "Nicky," Red said, gently chiding her when she wouldn't look up. She let out a sigh when there was no response and sat down on the bed next to Nicky. "We need to finish talking."
Nicky shook her head and looked down at her lap. She picked at the hem of her shirt nervously. "I think you made yourself pretty clear this afternoon. Don't worry. I get it." She drew her knees up on the bed and hugged herself against them. "You can go."
It was such an unusual position for her. Despite being small, Nicky always took up so much space. To see her like this made Red's chest ache. "Nicky," she said slowly. "I don't know what it is you think you get, but I'm not going anywhere."
"Right," Nicky huffed a breath of resignation. "I know I'm not good enough. Trust me, I know." She laid her cheek against her knees, facing away from Red. She didn't want the older woman seeing her cry. Somehow having Red sitting right next to her made it worse than if she were already gone.
Letting out a heavy sigh, Red began to rub the younger woman's back. She didn't miss the way her muscles tensed beneath her touch. Nicky was more than just upset that Red was frustrated at her. "You can't keep going like this. We can't."
"Then maybe you should go," Nicky said. Her sniffles made it to Red's ears even though she was trying to hide them. All her life people had been leaving. Even the ones that wanted to stay Nicky had found a way to push them away. It wasn't that she wanted to be alone, but she couldn't ever seem to trust that they were genuine. She would act out and push them too far-she tested them, wanting to prove to them that she was right. She was unlovable.
Red began to rub the younger woman's back, an attempt to quell her fears. "I'm not going anywhere, honey. I'm upset and frustrated, and yes earlier I was angry, but that doesn't mean I give up." She reached for Nicky's arm and tugged her up until Nicky was looking at her. "I know you want my attention, but you can't get yourself into trouble every time I blink."
"I don't try to," Nicky grumbled. She looked up at Red with frightened eyes. "I just ... ever since I was little..." she trailed off, unsure how to explain it to read. "When I was in the sixth grade I realized that Marka didn't love me. It was the first time. After that, I just couldn't trust anyone to stay. That's why I always sought out trouble. It kept me safe."
Red nodded, she had thought as much. She didn't understand it in terms of something she would do, but she understood what it did for Nicky. "Let's just get this straight child. You're not pushing me away. There isn't anything you can do to make me love you less or give up. Okay?"
Nicky didn't look up at her. She couldn't face Red while telling her that words meant nothing-even when she wanted to believe them. She felt her chin being grabbed roughly and tilted back until Red was staring at her. "Okay?" Red asked, warning creeping into her tone.
"I hear you. Alright?" Nicky snapped. She sighed heavily. "Sorry. I want to believe you. I really do. I believe you more than anyone, but it's not that simple for me. It's reflex at this point, and it's not always about trying to push you away. You're always so busy, and sometimes I just miss you, but if it's so hard to love me then maybe you should just go."
"Honey," Red said, voice falling in defeat. "You're not hard to love. Not one bit. It's the trouble you have a knack for getting into that is hard. I can't keep up. I'm worried about you all the time. What kind of trouble is she going to get into? Who is she going to piss off? Do I have enough power to protect her? Enough favors to turn in? Understand?"
Nicky nodded and covered her face with her hands. She took in a deep breath and then looked Red in the eye. "I'll do better," she vowed, needing Red to know that she wanted to do the right thing.
Red smiled gently and cupped her cheek. "I know you will. Just know that there are better ways to get my attention. I know what we have is special. I'm not saying I want it to stop, but I need you to act more like a grown-up when I can't be there. You're not going to lose me if you're not holding on. I promise I'm here to stay."
"Yeah, but," Nicky said, cheeks flaming. "It's different when I'm doing the adulting. Even when we're alone..."
Red laughed. "Nicky," she chided. "Do you really think I don't know you better than that? I will always indulge you and your childlike ways. Spending time with you like that brightens my whole world. We will always have those moments. I promise. It's just that I can't take care of business and politics and keep everyone safe if I'm worrying about you all the time. I need you to be safe and listen to me."
"God, I'm so much work for you," Nicky groaned, leaning back against the wall. "Why are you still here?"
Red leaned back next to her and rearranged Nicky until she had an arm wrapped around her. "You're mine kid, and I love you. There's not a better reason than that." She kissed Nicky's temple and rested her head against Nicky's. Closing her eyes, she allowed herself to just enjoy the moment.
"Nicky," Piper growled as she entered the cube. "Did you tell Gloria that I was the one who took her stupid candle? That Alex and I needed mood lighting?"
Biting her lip, Nicky tried not to laugh. She hadn't thought Gloria had actually believed her. "Said is such a strong word. I may have implied that it was you," Nicky said, wincing at the look she knew Red was giving her.
"Well, I'm implying that you can be the one to make her a new one," Piper said, throwing her hands up in the air. "Unbelievable," she said, heading out of the cube to find Alex.
Nicky dropped her head. "Hey ma," she said, dragging out her words. "Do you think that maybe..."
"No." Red chuckled because if she didn't, she might cry. "I'm not getting you out of this." She leaned forward on her elbows and put her fingers on her mouth, one point up towards her temple and her thumb beneath her chin. "I feel like I should ground you or something," she said, raising her hands in the air and sighing. "You're too old to spank."
"Ma," Nicky grumbled, embarrassed by the idea. "Can't I just apologize and promise to be good."
Shaking her head, Red reached over and grabbed Nicky's hands. "You can promise all you want, but until I see it with my own eyes…" She gave Nicky a knowing look. They would be okay, but Red's original issue still needed to be fixed. Nicky needed to behave. At least this time it was just Gloria. She could handle her if need be.
Nicky nodded. They stayed quiet for several minutes before she opened her mouth again. "I'll make her a new one or trade her something or whatever," she conceded.
Rubbing her back in slow, steady circles, Red bumped her shoulder against Nicky's. "Why don't you go get my book and we can sit in here together for a while. Hmm?" she asked. A small smile spread on Nicky's face, and Red brushed the hair back over her shoulder.
"Okay," Nicky said, rising to her feet, Nicky looked down at Red. "Would now be a bad time to tell you that I hid Norma's notebook?" She waited until Red's eyes widened and met her own. "I'm kidding ma," she laughed. "I swear."
"Hmm, maybe you're not too old to spank," Red teased, swatting Nicky's ass as she started to move out of reach.
"Dammit Ma, that hurt," Nicky said, rubbing at the stinging spot. She hadn't been expecting Red to have such quick reflexes. If this was how things were going to be then maybe she would need to shape up. "I think it's gonna bruise," she huffed.
"Aw, poor baby," Red mocked. She rose to her feet and took a step forward, laughing when Nicky took one back. "I'm not going to hit you. I want to hug you," Red said, mildly pouting. For the first time that evening the playfulness was back in her eyes. She would never understand Marka or the damage that had been inflicted. Nicky was so easy to love.
Nicky squinted her eyes, not sure if she should trust the older woman. "If you hit me….." she warned, not exactly sure what the rest of that sentence was. She had nothing on Red; it was quite clear who the adult in their dynamic was.
"Come here," Red said, opening her arms and jerking her head for Nicky to come closer.
Giving up on her plight of resistance, Nicky took a few steps forward and found herself neatly tucked against Red in a hug. "I'm sorry I yelled at you baby. I shouldn't have done that," she said, referring to their fight in her office. "I didn't mean to scare you."
"Yeah, you should have," Nicky admitted. "I was being an asshole."
Red nodded. "I know. You really were," she teased, somehow managing to sound serious.
"Hey," Nicky whined as she pulled back. She looked at her mother with a pout on her lip. She knew Red was teasing, but a part of her was still feeling a little insecure.
Laughing, Red put a hand on the back of Nicky's head and pulled it back to her shoulder. "Put your head back down and let me apologize."
Nicky grumbled, "You don't do apologies very well." She wrapped her arms around Red's waist and hugged back, loving every moment spent in her mother's arms. "Hey ma?" she mumbled sounding tired and drained.
"What baby?" Red asked, rocking Nicky in her arms.
Fighting back a grin, Nicky bit her bottom lip until she could choke down the laughter. "Do you still have any of that cake left?" A sharp smack to her left ass cheek was the only response she got.
"I do, and the only people who are getting any are Piper, Alex, and Gloria," Red replied. "Guess who will be delivering them?"
"That's not fair," Nicky whined, not looking forward to the teasing she would get-especially from Alex. "Why do you hate me?"
Red pulled back and cupped Nicky's face in her hands. She knew the younger woman understood that she was playing with her-though she fully intended on having Nicky take them each cake. "I don't hate you, stupid girl. I think you're just in need of a little tough love for a change. Now go get my book. The longer it takes, the more time you're losing. You're going to bed early. You have a long day of groveling tomorrow. You better rest up." She kissed Nicky on the forehead and sent her to retrieve her book. Nicky wasn't the only one that enjoyed their time together. Red knew that if Nicky could keep herself out of trouble than she could find time to indulge these much needed moments. She'd work out tomorrow a way to make sure Nicky got the attention she needed. Even if it meant delegating a few of her responsibilities.