J Edgar: An Abridged Script, a parodies and spoofs fanfic

J. EDGAR: AN ABRIDGED SCRIPT

FADE IN

INT. AN OFFICE

OLD LEONARDO DICAPRIO to YOUNG WHIPPERSNAPPER:

"You must feel truly privileged to be writing the MEMOIR of J. EDGAR HOOVER, a.k.a. ME. "

YOUNG WHIPPERSNAPPER

"Yes, sir. Shall we start at the beginning with your CHILDHOOD?"

OLD LEO:

"Since this is a TWO-HOUR PLUS, OSCAR-BAIT BIOPIC, let's start off with a BANG."

A house gets shaken by MULTIPLE EXPLOSIONS.. It is DRAMATIC.

INT. THE OFFICE

OLD LEO

"That was a PERILOUS TIME, you young people couldn't be expected to understand. There was TREACHERY afoot, and you had to take DRASTIC MEASURES to ferret out THREATS to AMERICA'S SECURITY."

"Really?"

OLD LEO

"The concept of FAILURE TO LAUNCH didn't start with your generation either. I, myself, lived with MY MOTHER her entire life."

INT: THE HOME of REPRESSION

JUDI DENCH:

"Good evening, SON."

YOUNG LEO

"Good evening, MOTHER. Now would be an excellent time for a CHILDHOOD FLASHBACK, don't you think?"

JUDI DENCH

"A FLASHBACK within a FLASHBACK? Go for it!"

YOUNGER JUDI DENCH

"SON, I'm going to make you the SOLE RECEPTACLE of all my hopes and dreams, thus giving you a MASSIVE COMPLEX that can be used as an EXPLANATION for your LESS-THAN-ADMIRABLE BEHAVIOR as an adult."

CHILD HOOVER

"Since I have no choice in the matter, why not?"

INT: HOME OF REPRESSION (Back in present)

JUDI DENCH:

"Now, be sure and take YOUNG NAOMI WATTS someplace romantic!"

YOUNG LEO

"Don't worry, I will."

INT. THE LIBRARY of CONGRESS

YOUNG LEO

"Would you like to get married?"

YOUNG NAOMI

"To a man whose idea of foreplay is fooling around with a card catalogue? I think not."

YOUNG LEO (without irony)

"But I'm an excellent judge of character."

YOUNG NAOMI

"I'd rather be your SECRETARY, forever and ever, 'til death do us part. "

YOUNG LEO

"Fine with me."

INT. OFFICE OF YOUNG LEO'S BOSS

YOUNG LEO'S BOSS

"Let me get this straight. You're ambitious and hard-working, but you have the warmth and charm of an iceberg."

YOUNG LEO (pauses)

"That's one way of putting it."

YOUNG LEO'S BOSS

"Well, it's your lucky day because you don't need any people skills to be the HEAD of the FBI. I was just messing with you. You're hired."

YOUNG LEO

"I'll accept….but only if you give me the power to fire anyone I don't like at any time without having to give a reason."

YOUNG LEO'S BOSS

"What do I care? I'm retiring. Go for it."

INT. AN OFFICE

YOUNG NAOMI WATTS

"I've been looking through CANDIDATES for your ASSISTANT. The best one is YOUNG ARMIE HAMMER, whose main qualification is that he's EXTREMELY HOT. "

YOUNG LEO

"Send him in."

LD: "So you're capable of providing the HOMOEROTIC SUBTEXT to this movie?"

YOUNG ARMIE, swishily:

"Sure thing."

YOUNG LEO

"You're hired!"

INT. SAME OFFICE/ NEW TIME PERIOD

OLD LEO to YW

"Who, in your opinion, was the GREATEST MAN of the CENTURY?"

"I'd have to give that one some thought. By the way, are we in the PRESENT or the PAST or some TOTALLY NEW TIME PERIOD?"

DIRECTOR CLINT EASTWOOD, rolling his eyes: "Just CHECK out LEO'S MAKEUP. If it's THICK ENOUGH to HIDE A HUMMER IN, it's the PAST. I mean, PRESENT."

"But technically, everything in this movie is the PAST."

OLD LEO

"It doesn't matter because we're due for another FLASHBACK."

EXT. A CRIME SCENE

YOUNG LEO

"So the KIDNAPPER who took your SON used a LADDER, MR. LINDBERGH?"

JOSH LUCAS

"That's the last thing I'm worried about, but yes."

YOUNG LEO

"We'll do our best to catch the bastard responsible. Using DUBIOUS MEANS of IDENTIFYING the PERP if it looks like we'll fail otherwise and look incompetent."

JOSH LUCAS (with irony)

"From you, I'd expect nothing less."

INT. THE OFFICE

"Eventually, you convicted a MAN on very SLIM EVIDENCE. Did you ever have any, you know, qualms that maybe you got the wrong guy?"

OLD LEO

"I did the nation a great service. Every PERP I nailed was GUILTY. Plus I brought about more SOPHISTICATED METHODS of gathering FORENSIC EVIDENCE."

"No remorse whatsoever, got it. Though the forensics part is cool. So what about your PRIVATE LIFE?"

Int. A restaurant

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

"Would you like to dance, YOUNG LEO?"

YOUNG LEO, panicking

"Um….No, I have to be going. I have to re-organize my filing system. It can't wait. Right, ARMIE?"

YOUNG ARMIE

"Trust me, those papers are in serious need of filing."

INT. THE HOME OF REPRESSION

YOUNG LEO

"What is the big deal, MOTHER?"

JUDI DENCH: "The big deal is that I'd rather have you DEAD than LIGHT in the LOAFERS."

YOUNG LEO

"So that's what I can do to finally win your APPROVAL. And all this time I I thought being HEAD of the FBI would actually help me achieve this goal."

JUDI DENCH

"Well, it won't. Now go get a girlfriend."

INT. A HOTEL ROOM

YOUNG LEO

"The other day, I had intercourse with an actual woman. It wasn't bad."

YOUNG ARMIE

"But you always say that girls have cooties."

YOUNG LEO

""Did not."

YOUNG ARMIE (kisses YL)

"Did too."

YOUNG LEO

"Ew! Don't ever do that again!"

They TUSSLE. It is DRAMATIC. Or perhaps MELODRAMATIC.

YOUNG ARMIE

"Damn it, YOUNG LEO, I wish I could quit you."

INT. THE OFFICE

YW (with visible relief)

"Well, it looks like we're done. Here's your MEMOIR."

INT. ARMIE'S HOME

ANCIENT ARMIE

"I read your MEMOIR, and it was a PACK of LIES."

ANCIENT LEO

"Was not."

ANCIENT ARMIE:

"The REAL TRUTH is buried as deep as our GHASTLY MAKEUP JOBS."

ANCIENT LEO

"NIXON hates my guts, you know. He's a PARANOID BASTARD."

ANCIENT ARMIE

"PRESIDENT NIXON? Boy, we've really jumped ahead. Where did all the time go?"

ANCIENT LEO (kissing him)

"Who cares?"

ANCIENT ARMIE

"Er….what about your MOTHER?"

ANCIENT LEO

"She DIED a couple of FLASHBACKS ago. Hopefully, she's not spying on me from Heaven. Now I have to go WIRETAP MARTIN LUTHER KING'S PHONE. He thinks he can KEEP HIS PERVY PERSONAL LIFE from AFFECTING HIS PUBLIC PERSONA, but I have news for him. That's impossible!"

ANCIENT ARMIE (with irony as thick as his makeup)

"Imagine that. Well, have fun."

Soon after ANCIENT LEO dies, thus ENDING the MOVIE. And the FLASHBACKS.