"I think things that I shouldn't. I dream things that I shouldn't. I want things that I shouldn't and it's all because of one thing - I do care about you."
― H.M. Ward, Damaged
Peering through the cracks night after night made him attuned to everything in his environment - dead, alive or that in between. He no longer had to will his heart to stop pounding so loudly that it tempered with his hearing. Nor did he have to bite down his lip to the point where it bled or press his palm against the mouth to silence himself. His muscles still did twitch for standing in the same position for too long.
The barn is a good hiding spot. For now. Maybe it isn't, what does he know. His Dad has been shielding him from the world ever since it'd gone apeshit. At least Mr. Salazar showed him how to load a gun. He checks the magazine again. Four bullets. It is quiet outside, just enough to make him believe they will go through the night unscathed. Only a little while longer and they can find the way back to the group. He looks back at the pair behind him. Nick is sleeping, still heavily under the influence of the stolen meds. At that moment Chris truly loathes him. Once he liked him – his laid-back attitude, his dry humor and even his addiction. He'd thought Nick was cool. Yes, selfishly he had hoped that the future junkie step-son would send his Dad running back home.
One look at Alicia and he knows she is pretending to sleep; She has been checking up on her brother all night. She too turned out nothing like she should have.
Chris could still remember the first time his Dad took him to meet the Clarks. All the way he was rambling on about his perfect blonde girlfriend, her perfect daughter and her not-so-perfect but kind-hearted son. The more he was listening about them, the more determined he was to stick to his decision and hate them. Someone had to stand by Mom.
The girlfriend said that as a guidance counselor she understood the situation seemed 'not ideal but hopefully we will all find that we can be good friends and one day a family'. As Chris theatrically rolled his eyes at that, he saw the other two were doing the same. He wasn't alone in this, fortunately. Nick introduced himself and found some excuse to leave. The daughter ran after him. It was after she returned (they were all seated at the table already) that he really noticed her. His Dad had told him she was around his age. 'I think you two will hit it off. You always wanted a sister and now you can have one you share interests with. That's rare, believe me.' There was no way that he could ever see that cranky, disinterested, headphones-glued-to-earlobes girl who looked disturbingly good in the cut-off jeans and a raggedy shirt as his sister. Luckily, she was thrilled with the 'family' situation as much he was so there was no problem whatsoever.
"You take him or you can't go" he overheard Madison and Alicia argue and the next thing he knew they were off to some party. Apparently, he had no say in the matter.
"Not there" Alicia addressed him willingly for the first time and pulled him through the backyard, over to some dodgy-looking house.
The party they were to attend was not the one Madison would approve. Not-so-perfect daughter, it seemed.
She instantly dumped him in some corner and went to find her boyfriend.
The thing was, Chris rarely went to parties. The ones he did go to were racier than this, suburban one. He preferred small gatherings and not because his film study group was considered the second level geeks. And he did know how to talk to girls, he had a girlfriend once. So when Alicia showed up out of nowhere while he was in the middle of a conversation with the beautiful redhead and told him it was time to get back, he wasn't thrilled.
"We could have stayed a while longer." he mumbled as they were marching down the street.
"I did you a favor, Christopher."
The mock social system applied to that group as well. Was there some mark on him that screamed 'I'm a loser'? , "Maybe I like girls who are interested in photography and current events."
She snorted. "Jenna's idea of photography is taking selfies with that dumb stick. As for the current events… she thinks Michael Brown is Chris' Brown younger brother. The next big thing in show business."
He halted. "Seriously?"
Alicia nodded and smiled and he thought she should smile more. He didn't tell her that. "I guess she's a typical American when it comes to giving a damn. No offense."
"Oh, I'm well aware we are all equal only on paper. But the change is coming."
"You think so?"
"I know so. I watch the real news." she lifted her chin and smiled again. This time it was over too soon, "We should hurry back."
Maybe she realized too that they did have something in common and from that night on she kept her hostile attitude on. He was on board with the ignoring the alien family members but he couldn't not see her. He saw more and more every time he was forced to come to dinner- the movie collection she had which was almost identical to his, the amount of love and devotion she had for her brother, a small comment here and there when they were watching TV, the way she furrowed her eyebrows when she was concentrating or that smug smirk she sometimes wore for reasons often only known to her.
It didn't come as much of a surprise to him when he rushed to help her get away from the infected neighbor. He was more surprised that that was how he had to learn she could throw a mean punch. It didn't come as much of a surprise to him that she convinced him to break into a house to play dress-up (that event only boosted his already borderline inappropriate imagination). It didn't come as much of a surprise to him that when she chased after her stoned/paranoid brother that he followed without thinking. The world ending had the strange power to bring some people together and tear some apart.
"You should get some sleep." he whispers.
"I did."
"Liar."
She wraps the jacket tighter around Nick and joins Chris by the door. "All clear?"
"Yeah."
"It's my turn to watch."
"It isn't."
She bumps her shoulder against his. "Liar."
Under the dim moonlight peeking through, he can see her eyes challenging him to deny it. He tucks his hair back. "I didn't want to wake you."
"You don't have to watch over me."
"What kind of a brother would I be if I didn't?" as the words roll over his tongue, he realizes how bad a joke that is, "Shit. I dint mean-"
"You see me that way?" Alicia asks in a low and unfamiliar tone, "Like a sister?"
That was not the part he thought she would have a problem with. His throat tightens and he is looking at her like he did when she wasn't looking back. Maybe it is sleep deprivation because he has no control over his actions. He shakes his head and confesses. "I never did."
She can interpret it however she likes but he knows she is too smart to get it wrong.
He expects to drop dead from embarrassment, he prays for the Earth to swallow him, for the infected do devour him. He waits for Alicia to break his nose, laugh in his face or pity him.
Instead, her hand reaches for his and the contact spooks him. She chuckles and it's almost a broken sound so he just freezes, waiting for her to do whatever she thinks is right. Slowly, she leans into him, her hands wrap around his waist, her head finding sanctuary on his chest. It takes time before he gives into the hug and let his fingers trace the lines on her back.
"Do you think there will come a time we can do what we want?" she sniffles, "What we should?"
To be teenagers again? To be normal? Yes would be the good answer. Somebody should keep the morale up. But he wasn't his Dad and he sucked at lying. It was exhausting just keeping it together. "I don't know."
Nick mumbles way too loudly for a monster-ridden land and whatever is happening between the two takes a back seat. Alicia hurries to her brother's side.
"Drink up." she forces water into his hands, "You have to, Nick."
She offers Chris one look of understanding and suppressed before things go back to the way they were. Almost… because if nothing can change, there is this certainty that this is not a one-sided infatuation.