CHAPTER UNO

Cactuars, katanas, and a whole mess'a vengence

----------------------

He first appeared as a small black speck in the distance...a sinister black speck...a speck of impending doom and ridiculously long sword ownership. This black speck was called Sephiroth .

Dont call him Sephy; he'll cut off your face.

That's right. Your whole face.

"What do you think that black speck in the distance is?" asked one Cactuar to another.

"Maybe a speck of impending doom and ridiculously long sword ownership?" he answered. The other Cactuar flinched and replied.

"No, that's dumb." The second Cactuar gasped.

"No! You're dumb!"

"No you are!"

"Your mom is dumb!" he replied.

"Your mom is stupidumb!" said the Cactuar, crossing his arms and looking the other way.

"That's not even a word! Stupid!"

"No you're stupid!"

"No you're stu-"

The Cactuar stopped in mid-entence and looked up at the large figure of impending doom and ridiculously long sword ownership looming above them known only as 'Sephiroth'. Or 'Mastah Bumeyes' by his frat boys.

Sephiroth was having a nice day, he had his SPF 70 sunblock on in the SPF 65 requiring sun of the Itsareeleehot desert. He kneeled down and smiled at the Cactuars.

"Hey there guys; I'm Sephroth. Do you know which way it is to Ovahcrawdid City? I'm on my way to see my mumsy." The Cactuars exchanged glances and wondered what a mumsy was.

"Can we call you Sephy?" asked the first Cactuar.

There was a whoosh, then a click and then an 'ow'.

Before either of the Cactuars knew it, the first Cactuar's face (hiswhole face) was on the ground. Sephiroth's eyes gleamed of evil redness. It was so ridiculously reddishly red that even my poor alliteration skills could not describe how red his eyes were. The second Cactuar glanced at the first with a half-horrified, half-slightly constipated look.

"Whoa!" he gleamed. "Now he has a chance with the ladies!"

"Shut up. Just shut up." said the Cactuar face lying on the ground.

"Aw daym." Mastah bumeyes sighed. "You things grow back and stuff. Accursed biology. I'll set fire to your crap then."

And thus Sephiroth reached for his lighter and set fire to several Cactuar dormatories and donation centers. He grabbed a bite to eat at Chili's and sinisterly left a 5 tip; and went on his merry way.

"Brother!" yelped the bodiless Cactuar face lying in the desert sand. "Brother! He has banished me to be a doorstop for the rest of my life! Avenge my inconvienient facelessness!" he called.

The second Cactuar looked down at the face and paused. Finally he spoke.

"...'kay."

The second Cactuar walked off after Sephiroth leaving his brother to spit out sand until another Cactuar stumbles by and flips his face over towards the sun, or uses him as a doorstop.

The second Cactuar, whose name was 'Cactuar', found that he was heading towards the Tonberry caves. He knew quite a few Tonberries; all of them easily pissed off. You would be too if you lived in a cave all your life carrying around lanterns and butcher knifes and having to balance big yellow stars over your head.

And thus it began. Cactuar's odyessy for revenge for his bodiless brother and the poor Chili's waiter.

The first Cactuar watched his brother walk off into the distance with a setting moon beyond his dark silhouette, rising above the mountains miles upon miles away and thought to himself. 'Wooha! I get the room to myself! PARTAY!'