AN: Hello, thank you for choosing to read my story. Now I love the zelda games, but I couldn't help but notice how problematic some of them are. As a white, cis-gendered, hetero female, I try and stand in solidarity with ethnic minorities, transpeople... etc. and try to understand the struggles they undergo in a daily basis. Zelda, however fails to do this. Link and Zelda are all white, thin and cis and there is barely any mention of the ethnic minorities that undergo discrimination on a daily basis. This story aims to correct that.
WARNING: this deals with sensitive topics and there is daily language.
disclaimer: I do not own the Legend of Zelda. Nintendo does. I only own my OC, Princess Dave. This is solely for entertainment purposes.
The Legend of Zelda: Rise of the Light
Prologue:
A great darkness had fallen over Hyrule. The "Hero of Time" had fallen and Gannondorf was victorious. Hyrule was now a place of darkness. The transphobic Ganondorf had no belief in checking his privilege. He raised university fees and decriminalised offending people. He refused to recognise Lon Lon Ranch as an independent nation and had called for a referendum to pull Hyrule out of the EU. He put money into health care, ignoring the woes of marginalised fat people. He had no appreciation for #fatbodies and invested money into discriminatory weight loss surgery. Clearly, change was needed. But with the cowardly and evil hero in time gone into hiding, who would save them?
The mysterious new hero watched from the shadows. Xe (xe was gender neutral) had traveled from a distant land and was sent by the mother goddess Schylina, who watched over all of High Rule. She had made a mistake in choosing Link, a cis white male. She recognised that. Even goddesses made mistakes. Now the new and true hero had arrived from 100 years in the future. This hero's own land had been taken over by a dark and evil ruler, but before xe could summon enough courage to defeat the dark princess, he had to defeat Ganondorf.
"I'll do it, Goddess, the hero promised, goodly putting on their mask. They knew that Zelda was still out there, but Zelda had never been Hyrule's TRUE princess. Oh no, everyone had known that, but was too afraid to mention it. The real princess was called Princess Dave because gender is a social construct.
Zantlooked up at da castle in a non-binary way and xe knew what xe had to do. And then the hero steps out from the shadows and it reveals who it was the whole time. It's... Zant!
Chapter One - Gerudos have false conscience
First of all Zant had to go to Gerudo desert to kill the racist Gerudos and rescue the princess. Btw in this Zant weighs 600lbs and their nickname is Rhianna (an: that's actually my name lol XD). They rode their trusty steed called Dodongo to the deserts. When they got their... they gasped. Talk about cultural appropriation! The Gerudos aren't Mexican, but they'd appropriated Latino music and buildings into their culture! Zant growled as they rolled into their mobility scooter. The Gerudos needed to die. Xe squawked in horror as xe saw that they'd even stole elements of native American culture.
"SHOW YOURSELVES!" roared Zant justicely.
The Gerudo leader came there.
"What is it that you desire you despicable fat slob?" Nabooru said racistly and sexistly. Xant growled at what a misogynist she was. He ate his triple BBQ beef burger angrily.
"LET PRINCESS DAVE GO!" I roared, firing my machine guns.
"HAHAHAHA princess Dave? He can't be a princess. He's a guy."
"OMG WTF BBQ#!" screamed Zant, going like Trigglypuff. I was triggered. "How transgenic can you get?! TIME TO DYE BITCH!"
And then... I knocked them all out with my twilight powers (an: Xe's really really powerful) I ran 2 where the beautiful princess was in his cell, looking stunning in his dress made from Tescos and 99p shop carrier bags.
"Princess Dave!" I gasped. His lullaby started playing (an: his lullaby = Zelda's lullaby but she stole it from us)
"Rihh bab? he moaned sexually.
Nabooru sighed cowardly. "I'm letting him go. Just stop attacking us, ok?"
She opened the cafe bourgeoisly and I held up Dave in the air triumelephantly. Triumphant music came on.
I slimed at Nabooru. "I have reason to believe that Gannondorf was born of your tribe, wench!"
"It's true," she sighed. "Ganondorf was very powar. He created a portal to another realm, known as earth. There he leads a double life as another dark lord called Donald Trump. He wants to rule every universe in existence."
DAV and me went like angry anime characters.
"We gotta stop him bab," Dave moaned. He storted to smoke sum weed all sexly.
"He sent his agent lecturers to Leipzig uni to MAKE THE STUDENTS WROTE THIS STUPID FREAKING EXAM!" Nabooru added.
"We'll kill them both," I sneered like Voldemort.
We got on my mobility scooter and drive sexily to Hyrule field.