"Alex, can you help me with that?" I come back from my thoughts at her questioning look directed at me. Realization struck as I remembered what was I supposedly doing and went back to helping her. Hefting up her box labeled Books, I placed it on the desk table next to her step ladder as she got up to put them on her new wall shelf. Boroba just enjoying himself with his nuts as the two humans were doing tasks.
"Uhh, yeah . . . Here you go Ea- Nadia," I bit my tongue by habit as I almost let loose that name again, lucky as she didn't catch on to my slip but only muttering a thank you while continuing with her task. It felt weird that I had to catch myself like that, almost as if that name was a taboo. That name that meant so much to me and hopefully still to her even after two or so years since our last great adventure.
As Jaguar and Eagle.
Eagle.
The name I could never forget when I look at her; the girl who gave me something to look forward to during and after our first adventure, and eventually someone to protect and be there for the last two. She was my Eagle as I was to her Jaguar.
Was. Past tense. After our last adventure in Africa, we became retired to such adventures since I needed to start college and Nadia and her monkey Boroba needing time to fully adjust more living in such harsh conditions. Not the New York pollution or climate, I meant living with my mean spirited alcoholic journalist of a grandmother Kate, er, just Kate.
Leaving Nadia and her monkey to their own tasks, I shuffled out of her room to check if anymore labeled boxes were needed to be placed in. One last box that was left to the side of the couch had caught my attention; picking it up wasn't a task as it didn't seem to weigh as heavy as her other boxes. Sitting down at the couch and deciding to check upon the contents before asking Nadia where she wants this, I found myself surprised by the content.
Pictures of Santa Maria de la Lluvia, the small village where Nadia lived in, postcards of the rain forest faded into a yellowish hue, letters just as yellow and crisp of messages from tales between two friends who missed each other greatly after their first adventures ended. It made me realize how much had really passed. How much time and chances had changed us; before the only thing I really worried about was making some old highschool crush notice me, my mother being cured by her cancer and I acted out because I couldn't accept my failures and immaturity, but that all changed because of a golden opportunity that didn't look golden at first. A chance of a lifetime to experience more of the world and its mysteries through Kate's job that made me meet my best friend. My best friend who is now living with me and is now a lot more than just my best friend. Flushing pink from possibly straying away from my duties, realization struck me that she hadn't asked for it.
"Had she forgotten about this?" I asked myself, thinking how such a precious box of memories was left to the side. I hear silence from her room as she came out of it, looking accomplished.
"I am done packing everything in! Thanks Alex!" I hear her voice from behind as she look over my shoulder to see what I was holding.
"Hmm? What do you have there?" she asked inquisitively at what I was holding. I quickly got up, and I showed her the box, hoping for her to remember it. She looked at the box and saw the contents. Eyes brighten as she acknowledged the box and took it from my hands. She turned around once more, almost flicking me with her golden hair ponytail, as walked back into her room.
"I'll put it somewhere safe." Hearing her voice from the open door, I sat down once again and smiled; I was thankful that she at least remembered to put it somewhere to remind her of our adventures together. To remind her of who she is. To remind her of the Eagle that once soared along with her Jaguar. The Eagle that soared high up in the sky. The Eagle that flew free.
"The Sartorius is the longest muscle in the human body. Origin is at the anterior superior . . . Uhh . . . Uhhh . . . I don't know!" I rub my temples soothingly as I stare at my Anatomy textbooks again, trying to recall the OIA (origins, insertion and action) of each limb muscle for my next quiz on Monday. I know that being a doctor to help cure others is now my dream, was it that necessary to know that the "Red Carpet Muscles" were the Superior Gemellus, Obturator Internus, Inferior Gemellus, Quadratus Femoris?!
Dear Lord!
Wait.
Well at least I know I'll get a point or two out of that quiz with remembering that. Stretching my arms as I lean back into my chair, I brought my left wrist to my sights, wondering how long have I been at it in studying. '6:37 PM,' I read the digital numbers of my watch in my mind, closing my eyes as to just let the fact that I was studying unmoved from my spot for nearly 5 hours sink in.
"5 awfully slow hours," I muttered to myself as I decided to finally relinquish my stationary position. Doing some impromptu stretches didn't do much to seize my tired restlessness, stifling a yawn as it passed through my mouth. I must have been at it with my studying for so long that I forgot basic human needs like making dinner, going to the bathroom, pick up Nadia from-
"Oh god!" Panic shot through me as I realized Nadia's classes ended an hour and half ago. Grabbing my cellphone hurriedly and out of my room to pick up my keys, I made way to the front of the door to my shoes before I realized my phone was dimly lit with a notification. One new message from Nadia. Eagle. A message sent an hour ago.
"Hey Alex! Its Nadia. Ive a feeling that youre still studying and thats OK! My classmates and I will be going to the library after class so I wont be home till late. Dont worry about Boroba, hes with me and I made him promise to behave. Good luck with studying! Good Luck! :)"
A smile danced on my lips as I read the message one more time. I couldn't help flush at that last part, knowing it was to cheer me up. Forgoing the shoes in my prior hastiness, I walked to the kitchenette to heat up some food to take that well deserved break. Looking around the living room of our apartment, waiting with only the steady hum of the microwave and kettle sounding out, I lost myself back in thought about her. Not Nadia per say, but Eagle.
They are the same person obviously, but I just think about how Eagle starts to fade out of Nadia at times. How that very same Eagle was there for me through thick and thin when I was her Jaguar, facing off enemies, beasts, and obstructions. I wouldn't know what to do after I got to the Amazon with Kate if it weren't for Nadia, more so when I got lost in it. Or handle the stressful situations throughout our adventures if it weren't for her being there in my heart, the heart that had Jaguar worry and protect his Eagle.
I sometimes wondered if Jaguar would disappear in me as well, gradually fade as I continue growing up and moving forward with life. Where would Jaguar go? The Jaguar that hid its claws when he felt the world turn for the worse because of what happened to his mother. The Jaguar that lay dormant when he expressed distaste to go with Kate. The Jaguar that didn't bare its teeth enough when Nadia needed to be protected from danger. The Jaguar or the Alex who couldn't protect-
'Stop thinking she could have never handled things by herself, because she did.' A rebuttal came into mind as I remembered who I was talking about. This was Nadia Santos. She was fearless in handling the Beasts or the Pygmies or the smugglers. She was empathetic to all animals, especially to her little monkey friend that she still wanted to pursue teaching the world the language of animals. She was an amazing person, whom I could trust my whole heart into, be it with or without Eagle. Someone I lo-
The steady chime of both kitchen appliances snapped me back to focus. Carefully pouring myself the tea and setting myself the bowl, I walked to the couch and placed my meal unto the coffee table. Remote on hand, I flip through the channels until I see an interesting movie in Disney. Something to entertain myself whilst I eat my meal.
Time had passed since I cleaned up the dishes, continued to watch the film but I must have dozed off after a while. I look at my watch and see that it had already passed midnight. Turning off the TV, I was surprised to hear the front door open up to a rather frazzled Nadia, eyes already half shut but with a small smile on her face. She tiredly looked and saw me starring back at her with confusion. Nadia giggled at seeing my confused look and only shook her head.
"I guess we both stayed up too late, not like the little one on my bag right now." She gestured lightly to her bag to see that Boroba was napping in it, zipper open enough for air as it slept like in a hammock. I noticed how she seemed off, something aloof about her look. Nadia did look tired, but not like someone who has been working in the library for 7 hours I assume. She had a sort of whimsy as she practically skipped her way in, making a beeline for the couch with me. Hair frazzled in its messy high bun, she looked like she had enjoyed herself with her new friends in college. Careful in placing her bag with Boroba in it, she reclined on the couch next to me, her head slowly leaning in onto my shoulder. Relaxing in our new position, she only hummed in content, a slight scent of what I can smell as fruit and what could possibly be familiar in some of the nights I go out with my friends during Fridays in outings resonated from her.
"Did you go drinking with your friends?!" I blurted it out without a thought. 'Shit! I didn't mean to make it come out like that!' I looked in wide eyes as she tilted her head to look back at me, a smile still lightly playing on her lips. She watched me tense up as she leaned closer, even more so as she gently held my chin with her hand and brought her face closer.
'Oh good lord, I don't know what's happening but uhhh . . . I am not entirely opposed to it.' My mind was starting to forgo anything and everything I memorized on for my quiz as she basically breathed her whisper into my ear.
"I kinda did. What are you going to do about it?" I swear on Kate's alcoholism that she purred after that. I thought the room was a lot chillier earlier but I think I am reddening from some temperature rise.
"I . . . Uhh . . . You . . ." Thank you brain for making that sound dumber than what I actually thought. A snort followed by a chuckle led my attention to her holding in her laughter for her sleeping monkey, or to make this situation less humiliating for me.
"Hahaha- Alex, you're face- it-it's like a tomat-ahahaha!" She chortled it out, not caring for the sleeping creature at the side. She gave herself a good minute of laughter before she simmered down to look back at me, confused and a whole lot more embarrassed.
"Yeah I did drink a bit. After the library, me and my groupmates wanted to celebrate finishing our project early by going to this cafe. They made me try some fruity alcoholic drink. I might have enjoyed the tropical fruit punch just a little too much since I thought the alcohol was so little in the taste, I'd be fine. Turns out it was a lot stronger after a while." Wrinkling her nose from the realization of her mistake, she leaned back on my shoulder again; I looked at her curled form to see she had fallen asleep on me after that rant. Careful in trying not to wake her up, I scooped her into my arms thankful that her door was left slightly ajar as I entered in to lay her on her bed.
"Sleep tight" I whispered to Nadia after covering her in her blanket, making sure her alarm doesn't go off on a weekend. Making a beeline back to the living room to grab Boroba and place him somewhere he can sleep in, preferably not next to a sleeping tipsy Nadia, something caught my eye at her desk, or rather below the desk. It was a cardboard box hastily stuffed at the desk's under. It was the very box that held the memories of Eagle and Jaguar together. Still in box. Probably left there and forgotten.
Looking back at the girl who possibly did put the box there, I shook my head at that and went to grab the box. All of it still there, not a single one brought out of its container.
I left the room, placed Boroba on the couch with a blanket for him to sleep with, and went to my room to hopefully get some shut eye as well, a list still going through my head as I laid down. A list of things to get a scrapbook and some picture frames for the memories in the box in my cluttered desk, way more important than some quiz I am possibly still going to pass.
"Goodnight Eagle." I muttered to myself before letting my eyes close to dream about a girl I knew who decided to change and remain grounded; her wings laid down and possibly worn down from its lack of use. A caged creature by the changes of its own being.
"Yeah mom? . . . Oh yeah, Berkeley has been amazing to her!" I quipped to the other line on my cellphone. To my mother.
"I'm glad to hear that, Alex."
"I so glad Nadia got into it! Cesar and I have been communicating thanks to Kate's contact and . . ." My mother muses on about Nadia getting into university and away from New York. Not that New York isn't totally bad per se, but let's just say as much as my mother Lisa loves Kate, mom just didn't feel like Nadia would be truly 'safe' around a wisecracking, alcoholic chain smoking senior citizen who still has more balls than-
"Alex? Alex? . . . Alexander Cold!? Are you listening!?" My mother's loud voice interrupted my train of thought, but knowing that you never challenge a mother's voice in a warning tone, especially when she says you whole name, I complied.
"Ye- yes mom! Sorry! I just . . . Uhh . . . Was preparing tea!" Fumbling about with my excuse, I can hear my mother on the other line sigh. Hearing her literally pinch her nose from my awful excuse and hearing her talk to someone on her side of the call, probably dad or my sisters, I took the time to actually make some tea for myself. Getting up from my desk chair, I walked out of the room to see Nadia had left already. Something about her meeting up with her friends at the shopping district nearby for a project.
True to my mother's word, she has been adjusting quite fast and well for the few months she's been here. Nadia had come to Berkeley a bit wary at first, but she has accustomed to it after the few months she's been studying. It doesn't surprise me as her warm personality and smile can make her gain so many friends; that her beautiful bronze skin and honey colored hair attracted admirers, both men and women alike, a fact that I admit had made me shamelessly protective when guys around the campus try to "ask" for directions or help, when in reality they just wanted to flirt with her or ogle at her when she wasn't looking.
But I doubt no one knows, or at least believes her when she does mention it, about her childhood growing up in a small unknown village in Brazil with her father. How she has met beasts of supposed myth in the Amazon rain forests. How she rescued and unintentionally helped the now queen in a remote Himalayan nation from kidnappers and meet her King. Or how she had met and helped overtake an African warlord and reinstate the queen of the Pygmies. Or let's not forget how she had the power to embrace her spiritual self and become invisible as a her form of Eagle.
Eagle.
"What was that honey?" I hear my mother ask on the phone as she was probably done talking to I assume dad now. I raised my eyebrow at her question as I poured myself the made tea and sat at a chair nearby. Before I asked her what she meant, she continued.
"You murmured something. It sounded like 'Evil'?" The questioning word made me panic as I almost choked on my tea when I realized I quietly blurted out my thoughts.
"I- uhh . . . Must have muttered some medical term under my breath when I was making the tea! Ahaha." I tried to laugh it off to give myself the excuse from this awkward moment in the phone call when a chattering noise and a grasp of my face from tiny hands made me scare my own mother from the other line as I screamed in panic.
"Ahhh!"
"Alex! Sweetie, are you alright?!"
"Lisa, what's happening?"
"It's Alex! He sounds like he was attacked!"
"Son! Are you in danger?"
"Hey is Alex alright!? Why did Mom shout out his name?"
"I don't know Nicole, but Mom and Dad are freaking out over Alex!? I think he got attacked"
"A holdup!? A kidnapping!? A fraternity initiation!? . . . Oh no! Is Nadia with him!?"
"I don't know Nicole! I'm freaking out as much as you are!"
"I hope Boroba is alright!"
Funny how the last thing my little sister worried over was the very culprit to my attack. Trying to grab the panicked monkey of my head and face, I managed to grab him and looked at him in angry confusion, mainly anger.
"Boroba!? What are you doing!? Ahh- Why'd you attack me!?" To other people, talking to a monkey would look weird and stupid, but this is Boroba; he's a smart little monkey, especially with a mistress teaching him like Nadia, I wouldn't be surprised if he understands Brazilian-Portuguese and even Sign Language. Staggering to get my cellphone that was dropped during the attack and pressed speaker. I can hear my family freaking out over the call, even hearing my mother mutter some Italian in dread.
"Uh . . . Guys?" I hear a collective sigh of relief as they start collectively asking me what the hell happened.
"Uhmm- you see . . . Boroba suddenly clung onto me for dear life, and I might have panicked at first but . . . got annoyed at how he was grabbing my hair and face."
There was silence that followed my answer.
"I'm so sorry for freaking out everyone like that!"
Still more silence, before I hear my mother giggle that eventually turned to full-blown laughter, which was followed by my father and then my two little sisters decided to join in. I can tell that they weren't laughing with me, since I wasn't laughing, but at me. At me!
"It wasn't that hilarious! I- Boroba just surprised me is all." I huffed out my response as I glared at the monkey perched in front of me as it looked around worryingly.
"I am sorry A- ahaha- Ah- lex! We're all sorr- eheheehee!"
"The monk- eey jumped him Nicole! Ahahaha! I am so telling my friends about this!"
"Ditto! Ahahaha! Headline news in my blog: 'Older brother gets attacked by monkey! Screams like a little girl!' "
"Ahaha- lex, as you father you had me worried . . . but- ahahaha- that was a good laugh! Is Nadia there? Did she plan this?"
'That is a good question Dad', I muttered a quick 'talk to you guys later' before dropping the call to pick up the nervous little monkey with both hands. What is Boroba doing here? Wasn't he always with Nadia? Is that why it continued to look around the room? I should just ask the monkey before it jumps at me again.
"Boroba, calm down first!" Seeing the tense monkey lax a bit into my hold, it finally looked at me, almost for reassurance.
"Why are you here? Why didn't you go with Nadia?" I questioned the curious little monkey. He hardened his gaze at me when I said her name. He almost looked like he's mad at something. Like something or someone wronged him. He started to fidget in my grasp.
"Boroba, I'm trying to help you. Why didn't you go with Nadia?" He still refused to answer me, though I wouldn't have really understand him if he did chatted out his answer. I never really got around to verbally communicate with this monkey; the full communication with animals is usually Nadia's forte. She always used to communicate so well with other creatures emphatically, especially when she embodies her Eagle spirit self-
"Wait a minute. Could it be?" I stated out loud as I dropped the monkey gently to the coffee table as I sat in my couch, contemplating on my idea. Thinking of the most insane plan I ever thought I'd do, I channeled my Jaguar spirit. I tried to meditate it out of me purposefully, something I remember Walimai and even Tensing had said to us during our adventures. Focusing on the self that was Jaguar, I felt myself tingle overtime in something that felt like a long forgotten power had finally surged back in. A rush of adrenaline filled me as I can feel my body morph to something else, a power that made me feel stronger and more agile than any human. I opened my eyes to hear Boroba squeak in either fright or excitement as he looked in me with awe. Taking that look as a confirmation, I slowly leaned forward and somehow, without the need of voice, I can hear his soul crying.
"What's wrong Boroba?" I question him, a reflection from his eyes confirms my plan's success: I had become Jaguar. The spiritual embodiment of my totem spirit. A form almost corporeal but not really as well.
"My- mi-stress . . . Sh- lf- m- al- . . ." His spirit still quivers and I could barely make out the words. I tried to voice out through our empathic link better.
"Boroba . . . Trouble? Why? Nadia?" Somehow those shorter pulses made more sense to him. He gritted his teeth in anger; his spirit almost burning.
"Mistress . . . Gone . . . Only . . . Nadia!" He pulses back to me in our own spiritual two way phone call. My eyes seemed to glimmer as I reached my hand, or was it paw, to his own. I saw him look past me into the side, I followed his view to see my room, slightly open ajar.
"There . . . Eagle." He stated to me before running past me, up the couch and down to enter my bedroom. I followed his route, jumping off the couch and opened the door. I found Boroba seated at my desk table, looking at the stuff at my wall shelf above my desk, glancing up to the picture frames I placed there. He scurried its way up to see one in a yellow frame: it was a picture of me, Nadia, Boroba, and Kate with her International Geographic workmates Timothy Bruce and Joel González in front of Ms. Angie Ninderera's plane that took us to the Ngoube village in our African adventure; we were all smiling even though afterwards Angie, who was in the plane keeping it neutral, accidentally made it move. It scared us when it almost took off.
Quietly observing the monkey continue to look at the photos I placed there, I was wondering if he was just like me at times: it wanted to relive those moments. Well not exactly like me but for me it's being away from the medical jargon and sleepless nights for exams to be where the adventure was at again; where the adrenaline was keeping one awake, the journey and travels enough to hold the person's convictions to continue it.
The monkey paced and looked at a purple frame: it showed the "reception" of King Dil Bahadur and Queen Pema's wedding and coronation for the Kingdom of the Golden Dragon. It showed the same people, sans Ms. Angie as we haven't met her yet, smiling in our table as Joel accidentally choked on a fruit's pit and Timothy was panicking at his friend's expression; Kate was too busy laughing her butt off to actually help, but she did eventually, and Me and Nad- Eagle huddled together to smile for the camera, Boroba on the side sneaking off with my fruit dessert. I can hear the cheeky monkey laugh at the picture, probably reminiscing at our chase as I tried to chase him for my sweet treat back.
It picked up the the last picture frame: A black one depicting my first adventure. It showed a picture of just me and Eagle, Boroba sitting on her hair and we just smiled in front of the village she was in with her father.
"It was the start of an amazing ride, Boroba. If it weren't for that adventure with Kate, I would have never met you, or the Beasts, the people of the Golden Dragon, the Yetis, the pygmies . . . Eagle . . ." I found myself speak normally once more as I find myself not in Jaguar form; probably went dormant once more within me during our trip down memory lane. I saw him tear up and sulked his way back to my desk table.
Taking a seat at my swivel chair, I tried to smile at the distraught monkey but who was I kidding? We both knew what we missed really. He missed his mistress and I missed the girl who was Eagle. Moments of silence passed before I looked up to see the monkey look through my wallet left at the side of the desk. I was about to reprimand him when he took something out of it. It was a Polaroid picture, the one I treasured the most. He gave it to me without a word as we both checked the picture together.
Her black dress almost floated as she clung her arms around my neck, legs off the ground due to her jump. A surprised and flustered face of mines smiled at her jump and had my arms, with holding Kate's gift on one hand, around her waist; her own face looking at mines, flustered and happy as well. A bouquet of tulips lay forgotten on the floor next to the teens in the picture, and a blurry image of a certain monkey close to the lens at the side of the photo, probably curious as to what Kate, the candid shot photographer, had in her hands when she took this picture.
This photo was taken quite a while ago, when we finally convinced Nadia to join me in Berkeley. It was her graduation from high school and I remembered surprising the two of them, mainly Nadia since Kate helped me pay for my ticket getting there, with a bottle of vodka for my grandmother and flowers for Eagle.
"She was still Eagle then despite the changes in her, right Boroba?" I muttered out, not caring if the monkey could understand me. He only looked at the picture once more before going over my head and hugging my head from the back. I patted him with my free hand when I could have sworn I heard quiet sobs from him.
A buzz from my phone made us stop our sob session to look at the message. Usually, I would tell the monkey or anyone for that matter to not read my messages mainly for privacy reasons but when we saw her name as the sender, I decided to let him see it. An attachment in the message?
"Hey Alex! Wnt 2 txt saying ill b staying over friends tonight. We r going 2 do project & help make props 4 drama club. Ill b back by tom morn, 11 at most. Ttyl!"
Message has 1 image attachment.
Curious to see what she attached, I let my cellphone load it up. It depicted a smiling Nadia, sitting on the floor with a notebook and pen on her lap. Her hair intricately braided around her head like a crown, wearing a long sleeved dark red crop top and brown high wasted shorts with black wedge sandals. She looked absolutely stunning, but something just felt off about her. It felt like Nadia but not Nadia at the same time.
She didn't feel at all like Eagle, like how she was just Nadia Santos: Berkeley university student and roommate to a certain Alexander Cold, and not Nadia Santos: A.K.A. Eagle from Brazil and spiritual companion to aforementioned Alex's Jaguar. It saddened me seeing Eagle fade into obscurity, but that doesn't mean I don't love Nadia at all. I just miss the old Nadia-
"I just miss Eagle." My thought slipped out into words and for once I felt myself tear up at the stunning realization. That I just didn't want to feel like I was losing my best friend and not at the same time. That accepting Nadia now would mean Nadia/Eagle will be just a happy memory from before, when I was still trying to understand everything, including my feelings for her. That Eagle will be gone. I tried to reassure myself that Nadia is still the girl I loved but it was still like taking out a huge part of who she was if Eagle was no more.
Placing my hands to my face, with one still lightly holding the beloved Polaroid between my fingers, I cried out my loss for the first time but I wasn't alone. Boroba cried with me and together we both can hopefully reminisce at Eagle and hope that maybe she hasn't lost her wings yet, that she hasn't chained herself down only because she had forgotten to fly.
It amazed me how smart the monkey really is. Boroba continued pointing its upper right chest and it annoyed me as to how he remembered the chest muscles better than I did, and I've been studying this since I started university!
"Uhh- Pec- Pectoralis . . ." I dragged it on and seeing how the monkey was slightly nodding its head for me to continue that word. The hint gave me enough to answer it.
"Pectoralis Major with Pectoralis Minor posterior to it!" The quick answer cheered the monkey as it clapped its hands in approval.
I am pretty sure if someone ever saw this interaction between a man and a monkey, with the man being more of the pet than the monkey, it would be humiliating to the entire human race; Charles Darwin would be rolling in his grave at me if I admit I am having Boroba help me study for my quiz before the Holidays begin. After that stupid quiz and a project I thankfully finished beforehand, I get to go home for the Holidays!
And what a perfect time really! It would be the first time I'll properly bring Nadia home to my family, during the Holidays nonetheless. I mean they have met her before; like when my sisters visited Kate's place a year ago or when my parents met us up at the airport after our last adventure, but I mean bringing her home to my family, to my house for the first time. I know she wanted to hopefully spend it with her father or even her mother but both were quite busy, so she understood and was happy about going home with me for the holidays. Heck, Kate and even Grandma Carla is coming over to join us! It will be a big treat for Nadia.
Fiddling through my desk's drawer, I reached for the small present. Nicely wrapped in a festive red with cute little snowflakes designed in it, the box was also given a bright golden ribbon carefully placed on top of the wrapping paper with a small white card at the side. It took a while to get this done in its complete set, more so to have this fully paid, but knowing that I am giving this to her will be worth it. My fickle furry companion noticed the box I was holding and tilted his head in question.
"It's for Nadia, Boroba. I'll be giving it to her for the Holidays." Smiling to the monkey as I bopped its nose and return the gift to its hiding spot, I see Boroba pouting at the mention of his mistress. It's been 2 months or so since that day we had a bonding experience over the 'loss' of our friend. I don't know if Nadia herself has noticed that her monkey has started bonding with me more often since I let Boroba join me in my free time. It got hectic at one point since he refused to let go and I had to do a presentation. I'm still surprised how my professors not only let me continue doing my report with Boroba on my shoulder, but I am convinced I got those extra points for my group's report due to a little monkey snuggling up cutely to our professor during the question and answers part of our presentation.
But I don't think I can part with the distraught monkey if he feels neglected by his own master; I haven't heard Nadia ask where Boroba is because she mainly knows I have him. Like the idea that as long he's safe is enough, but not enough to spend actual time with him as she enjoys her university life. That notion itself broke the monkey's little heart, but I'm thankful he can find solace with someone like me, despite our earlier disagreements with one another. At least now he can in a way communicate with someone while he also helps me out, which also boosts his ego when he chastises me for not remembering medical jargon enough. It's mainly a win-win for him.
Getting up from my chair to take a much deserved break from being practically tutored by Boroba for about 3-4 hours, I grabbed my wallet and keys since I might go get some groceries for at least another week of school before break starts. Boroba took my standing as a signal to jump around my room to help me grab my windbreaker and beanie, plus his own little clothes to get comfy from the cold winds in Berkeley's winter. It's not cold enough here to wear a snow jacket in Northern California during December but it's cold in a windy sense; enough to get one wearing a nice comfy jacket and beanie, human and monkey alike. Grabbing my cellphone by my nightstand, I felt my toe bump into a small box poking from under my bed. It was the box.
Taking it from its position, I sat at my bed's edge. Clothed monkey at my shoulder, he peered along with me at the remaining items on the box. When I first grabbed the box from Nadia many months ago, I decided to frame a few of the pictures in my room, while the rest were placed in a scrapbook I bought awhile back. Or rather still in the process of making the scrapbook but with my studies breathing down my neck, I unintentionally forgot.
The remnants of the scrapbook and some unplaced pieces still in the box that I may have forgotten to complete and left under my bed 3 months ago.
"Well, at least I know what I can be doing for the break, right?" Trying to play it off as innocent, I can see the monkey roll its eyes at me for my forgetfulness. Grabbing the box with Boroba perched on it in tow, I reassured my furry little companion as we walked out of my door into the living room.
"Haha, c'mon Boroba! It'll be fun, maybe we can stop by the bookstore to get some stuff for this so we can make this together. I'm pretty sure Andrea and Nicole will enjoy this as well. Knowing their 'creativity' will pique their interests; heck, maybe even mom and grandma Carla! Not sure with Dad and even more so with Kate of all people! Maybe Nadia-" My one way conversation with Boroba ended flatly when I noticed Nadia on the couch, doing some weird gestures and actions as she grabbed her long honey brown hair with one hand and a magazine on the other. Hearing us come out from the room, she got up from her seat with her hand still on her hair; she smiled at us in greeting.
"Hey guys, where are you planning to go to?" She seemed to not noticed the somewhat tense atmosphere when she asked that. I can feel my own own hands grip somewhat more firmly at the box while Boroba wasn't even trying to look at her. I decided to break the ice by asking her instead something.
"What are you doing with your hair Nadia?" I smiled waveringly. It's been easier to see Nadia as just Nadia these past few months. Not that it's no longer a burden for me, but I had to learn to accept the changes the girl in front of me is going through. It was a hard pill to swallow but hey, she's still my friend. I don't think nothing can really deter that anymore.
"Oh, I'm considering cutting my hair short. Maybe a chin length bobcut? Or maybe a even a pixie cut!? I am just sick of keeping this hair tamed up, you know?"
Until now.
"Wait what!?" The drop of the box and Boroba, who was perched on it during our walk, screaming broke through tense silence. I can't believe she's doing it. I don't know why I am compelled to stop her from doing that. I mean it's just hair!? Why am I making such a bi-
"I don't want you to." Words dropped out of my mouth as that lingered enough for her to stare at me, questioning as to why I said that. 'Me too, Nadia, me too.'
"What do you mean?" Her question rings out and it actually makes me ask myself the same question. Why?
"It just doesn't . . . Uhh- suit you to have your hair cut so short." Even I don't really know where this claim was going to, but it made her look at me as though I grew a second head.
"What do you mean? I mean, I have been meaning to just get my hair fixed. It's so wild and unkempt that it's pretty hard to even put in a bun or pony-"
"I like it that way!" My words came out a little more blurted than the last one. She raised her eyebrow at me questioningly.
"Well I'm sorry Alex that you like my current hair but I don't know? Maybe it would be fun to get a new hairstyle! Less prep time to get it fixed and washed! And it would make me look amazing just like these women in my magazine!" She lifted the magazine left on the couch seat next to her as she showed it to me. It showed stunning celebrities whom I could really care less right now sporting short but fashionable hairstyles.
She wanted to be like these because of what exactly? To sport the newest trends? To become a popular girl among her peers? Seeing her now act like this and the past ones reminds me of a crush on a girl from high school: Cecilia Burns. But what I saw after graduation of Cecilia, I could care less because I was falling for a girl who I thought would remain young and adventurous forever. A girl who showed me the true beauty of the journey, the mystery and the overall nature of the world itself. A girl who cared little about material wants but only spiritual and sentimental needs: her family, her care for animals and nature like Boroba, her friends. Maybe even more so for who was once a strange American boy who was once angry at everything wrong once upon a time. Where was that girl now? Because the woman standing in front of me is not her, maybe not even close to who that girl was.
"What happened to you Eagle?" I let my thoughts and my anger finally overcome my sense of control. I finally voiced out my thoughts about these changes of Nadia. Before I let her answer that, I let go more.
"What happened to the Eagle I knew?! She wouldn't have given a damn about fashion when she always wore whatever was comfortable and practical for her to wear when she was either in the forests of Africa and Brazil or the cold high altitudes of the Himalayas. She would have cared even less about sporting a new hairstyle just because some magazine had a celebrity who had it."
"Alex . . . I-"
"Eagle wouldn't have wanted to change herself, especially her amazing hair. Her hair that was just like her: free to move and somewhat wild but also tame."
Smoothing her hand through her hair, she finally spoke.
"Alex . . . I don't get what you're saying . . ." She paused a bit before continuing.
"Eagle is . . . Eagle is my spiritual self. I do-" I had to cut her there.
"You know what I mean Nadia!" Walking over to her to lightly grab her shoulders, I looked at her once more. She looked beautiful with her hair down. My fingers danced through its waves and I finally tried to more composed in saying this.
"I miss Eagle . . . I miss Nadia." Something about that made her confused. Confused and angry. She hastily pulled away from my hands and looked at me like I was a criminal.
"What? I don't get you Alex! What do you mean!? I am still here! Where did you think I went!?" Something about that tone reminded me of Cecilia Burns and her posse of popular girls. The girls I grew to resent in the end since they seem to be nothing less if just material and plastic. Something from that brought back my anger.
"You know what I mean!" I practically growled it out of my mouth, but she wasn't about to lose to that.
"Then tell me what you really mean, Alex!"
"You're not you anymore and I miss it!"
"What do you mean I am not me anymore!?"
"You're the not the Eagle I knew!" Something in me made me feel that had more of an effect that my words usually do as something seemed to amaze her for a split second before she responded.
"That doesn't make any sense! She was my spiritual self!"
Was.
Was.
She said that Eagle was her spiritual self. That Eagle- no, that Eagle and the Nadia I knew had passed. Taking a step back from her, she stopped looking mad and looked more fearful at my somber look.
"Alex?" She calls out my name but it didn't feel right anymore. I feel like it doesn't weigh as much as when Eagle, my Eagle, would call me by my other name.
"Jaguar." I looked down from her as I breathed the word to break the silence.
"What?"
"Jaguar. That's what you would have called me when you really become worried. Guess you think he's gone too isn't he?" That last bit must have set something off of her as she tried to reach forward.
"Alex." I looked back to see something in her eyes that seemed conflicted. She didn't even seem to deny what I said to her. I swatted her hand away lightly when she almost reached my face. She looked more horrified but right now, I could care less.
"I guess that's it then." I huffed out a breath of defeat. Gone are the days of Eagle and Jaguar, but now only the latter remains. Looking at the sky and wondering where his companion went.
"Ale- x", I hear her tear up but I was just as emotionally drained. Sighing once more, I turned away from her.
"I am not saying I stopped caring about you, Nadia." That got her attention. I let the moments pass for a bit as I controlled the emotions from my voice.
"It's just . . . You're not Eagle anymore. You're not the Eagle . . . nor the girl I fell in love with anymore." I hear a gasp from behind me as I tried to process that word.
Love. We never really discussed nor stated it verbally to one another. It was always something we knew was natural between the two of us that even words cannot begin to explain or express it.
"Love . . ." She whispered loud enough for me to hear her say it.
"That's the first time I ever really said it to you, huh?" I flippantly stated it. Her silence meant I can continue what I really wanted to say.
"I still do care for you Nadia. I really do." I keep my tone even despite all the sadness and even disappointment wanting to paint my words differently.
"It's just . . . You're not you anymore, and it scares me wondering what happened. Why did it have to change? I know it's stupidly childish of me to say it but I didn't want you to change. I wanted you to stay you . . . But it happened and you did change. I thought at first it was for the better, but I just don't know anymore. You're becoming someone who was completely different from who you are." I pause my voice to hear a chattering monkey from the side of the couch.
Boroba, finally tired from being silent, leaped to the top of the couch and jumped unto my shoulder. He looked at me worried and only glanced back at his mistress, who seemed shocked by the action. I let go of a deep breathe once again and I didn't look back when I finally said it.
"I am sorry."
I didn't want to hear her say anything after that when I walked out of our apartment door. I left the argument's end at that: with me still wanting to love her and asking her to forgive me.
As I rounded off to the park after 20 minutes of brisk walking, I sat down in a bench nearby. Boroba, who I kept under my jacket the moment I left the heated inside of my apartment's lobby, poked his head out to look at me. I smiled sadly back to the monkey hidden in my jacket, not caring for anyone who notices this peculiar scene.
"It's going to be alright Boroba. We can just let this all air out when we get some groceries and stuff for the scrapbook, yeah?" I tried to cheer him and myself up but to no avail. What had happened back in our living room was going to be something to at least sleep over. Which means someone's going to want to sleep somewhere else to avoid any awkwardness in the meantime.
Leaning my head back as to worry about the other stuff like school or where to stay for the night later, I was greeted by the slightly cloudy afternoon on a December weekend. Taking in a breath of fresh air, I continued to enjoy this peaceful moment even when my head is wracking with conflict. Conflict and guilt. Wracked with guilt and anger at myself for saying those things to her when she really meant no wrong. With slight relief at finally getting those words off my chest. With still care and love for the girl who's probably wondering where Boroba and I are at the moment.
"I really messed up, huh Boroba?" I placed my right hand to grab my glasses and cover my eyes as I start letting little drops of tears form. The monkey only seemed to snuggle back into my jacket from either the sadness or the chill wind picking up, probably both. I let my eyes dry its tears to my sleeve before looking back up to the sky. It started to let some of the sun's light illuminate the clouds, but still not a sign of the sun itself. How symbolic really.
I noticed a formation of birds, probably ducks or geese, fly overhead to a destination unknown. Something so mundane looked amazing for me. It reminded me of Eagle once again. How she can soar through the sky freely, her conviction and strength not weighed down by material possession, rather finding her very soul up the sky.
Just as like her fellow companion Jaguar races through the fields of trees and greenery, to match her sublime grace. The two totemic animal spirits of two teens were meant to continue forward, change not wholly themselves, but let the journey change itself.