"Why? Yuki tell me why? Why are you being so stubborn lately? Why are
you doing this to me? Tell me Yuki! Yuki!" Shuichi's voice yelled through
the door of my office. I held my head, looking down at the illuminated
screen of my laptop, sighing. I can't write. I can't even see straight
with his voice yelling through the oak door. I looked down at the
keyboard, glancing over he worn keys.
"Why are you asking?" I mutter silently to myself, starting to type. I didn't want his questions- I didn't need his comments, his love. I didn't deserve any of it but he constantly gave and gave, and I gave nothing in return other then a roof over his head and my body.
That's what everyone wanted from me- my body. They see a tall, somewhat muscular blonde with a talent for writing and a lot of cash. They never see me. No one ever sees me. It's just my outer person. It's just what they want to see, like my writing. Girls want to see a tall blonde man with a lot of money and I gave it to them. Like my readers want to see a sap novel, I give it to them. I, in no way, try to disappoint anyone.
But it's odd how I constantly disappoint the person I live with. It boggles the mind at times that he's the only one on earth that I can't please outside of the bedroom. If I'm working he's always there, if I'm eating he's there. It doesn't matter to him that I could be voted best looking male author in Japan three years in a row, and it doesn't matter at all that I've a frighteningly large sum of cash in the bank; he makes just as much, so it doesn't matter. He sees me as cold, mean, never pleasing.
So why does Shuichi stay? He wants to change me. He wants me to be something I'm obviously not, and he wants love. He wants nothing more then love out of me. I don't know what I want from him though. Loyalty? The silent hope of his love? Or is it that constant hunger inside of me, yelling at my heart that he's a good person? It may as well just be his body or company… Maybe even just his song and voice.
But why then don't I kick him out if I can't know what I like about him? That's the thing… I like him so much that I can't think of a reason to not like him. Those nights that we'd stay up late having a heart to heart talk after sex, or just the nights that he's fallen asleep on my shoulder in my office or my lap by the television. It's gravitation. Murphy's law is against me. Murphy's just against me, period.
Shuichi was the most energetic lover I've ever had. At the beginning he sucked in bed, had no lyric writing skills and couldn't produce anything to really interest me. I was in trouble as soon as I figured this one out. But eventually, as time moved on, he became more relaxed and I became patient with him. Shuichi got to be a tease and met my level of satisfaction. I could relax better when he touched me in areas, but in others I needed to relieve the sexual tension. Both ways I always wound up on top of him and he'd squeal.
But today was quite different. I came home in a good mood for the most part, and he started with his questions. Why, where were you? Why didn't you call if you were going to be late? Why, why, why, why, WHY? Everything always needed an explanation for him. He needed to know all the time as if he were five and a half years old and didn't know better. Everything included twenty questions and everything needed to be explained thoroughly. That's the one reason that I would kick him from my house. That was the reason that I wouldn't want to live with him: the constant 'why's.
I didn't want to answer. I never want to answer because he'll ask why or what happened. I never want to answer him but I always wind up doing it. I started to type and the door swung open. I looked over to see Mika, glaring me.
"What do you want?" I asked. She walked closer to me, still angry and smacked my face. I didn't move that much. I just sat in shock.
"What's wrong with you Eiri? You have no respect for others or their affection on you?" She yelled. I took in the beating, keeping my face straight and serious. I never smiled in front of her anymore. I was always angry.
"What do you mean?"
"Shuichi left. He's gone and all his things." She snapped. I felt a bit happy, and at the same time a bit confused. He'd left me. For the first time in his life, Shuichi had left me. I'm usually the one who kicks the kid out, or I'll leave. But it was different. He'd left.
"Where'd he go?" I asked coldly. She smirked slightly.
"Your brother's house." She said, smiling. I don't think I heard her correctly. Shuichi chose my brother over me. I always knew that Tatsuha would interfere with us once, and take Shuichi away with him. I just never thought this soon. Tatsuha was physically like me in everyway except hair and eyes, and he was open, kind, and obsessed with Sakuma Ryuichi.
"Why?" I asked. I cringed at the word, said with such a miserable tone. She held my face with a harsh grip and looked me over.
"You're an asshole." She shook her head, leaving the room and my flat. I wanted to go after her but I stayed, rooted to my chair. He left. I could never believe it but he left. And for once in my life, I actually wanted him to return to me.
I felt crumbled without him- crushed, hurt, rejected, and lonely. I needed to call him. I may as well just call Tohoma.
Tohoma was one of my friends, no matter how much he wanted me in his bed. I don't think that I could ever sleep with him. Tohoma- who'd married my sister a few years ago- was the only one who knew of my past. I intended to keep it that way until I got around to Shuichi. He wanted to know about it, and I always rejected that.
"Hello?"
"Tatsuha. Where's Shuichi?" I asked, more like a statement. He chuckled.
"Right here. He doesn't look to happy though." He said, probably smiling like a maniac. I growled and slammed my hand down on my desk that held my computer.
"Let me talk to him damn it!" I snapped, yelling quite loudly. There was a pause on the other line and I waited, saying hello.
"Yu… ki…' A voice whispered. Shuichi. I felt my eyes light up, smiling and sighing.
"You left… Why'd you leave?" I asked calmly.
"You've been so cold to me lately Yuki! I can't put up with you being in these constant mood swings, and then trying to come back to me after yelling at me! You don't tell me anything and if you do it's in less then five words!" He sounded like he was crying. I wanted to cry for him, and beat myself.
"Shuichi you ask too many questions though!" I said. He sighed.
"You don't elaborate with things!" He cried. I sighed and just held the phone, listening to his tears drop one after another down his face.
When I thought he was finished I asked him.
"Sorry." He whispered. I smiled and slightly sighed, looking over my screen. I'd written quite a hefty composition today and I did want him to read it.
"Shuichi I want you home. I can't live without you." I whispered softly.
"I can't come home Yuki. I don't like how you treat me… It's borderline abuse!" He said, sniffling. I gulped. He was right. I did treat him pretty badly and it was probably close to abuse. I shook my head.
"Shuichi how… I'm sorry." I said, barley whispering. I could hear him sniffling, not wanting this moment anymore then I did.
"You hurt me Yuki… It hurts." He sighed. I moved away from my computer, sitting in the darkness.
"Shuichi… I'm sorry Shuichi I am… I just can't… I…" I gulped, not wanting the words to come out, "I love you." I whispered. I heard him gasp, and a loud clunk as if he dropped the phone. As soon as I heard his voice again I smiled to myself.
"Yuki… You never. You never said that to anyone!" He gasped. I know, it was as much of a surprise to him as it was to me. Shuichi was coming home though, and there was to be much story sharing with him.
"Why are you asking?" I mutter silently to myself, starting to type. I didn't want his questions- I didn't need his comments, his love. I didn't deserve any of it but he constantly gave and gave, and I gave nothing in return other then a roof over his head and my body.
That's what everyone wanted from me- my body. They see a tall, somewhat muscular blonde with a talent for writing and a lot of cash. They never see me. No one ever sees me. It's just my outer person. It's just what they want to see, like my writing. Girls want to see a tall blonde man with a lot of money and I gave it to them. Like my readers want to see a sap novel, I give it to them. I, in no way, try to disappoint anyone.
But it's odd how I constantly disappoint the person I live with. It boggles the mind at times that he's the only one on earth that I can't please outside of the bedroom. If I'm working he's always there, if I'm eating he's there. It doesn't matter to him that I could be voted best looking male author in Japan three years in a row, and it doesn't matter at all that I've a frighteningly large sum of cash in the bank; he makes just as much, so it doesn't matter. He sees me as cold, mean, never pleasing.
So why does Shuichi stay? He wants to change me. He wants me to be something I'm obviously not, and he wants love. He wants nothing more then love out of me. I don't know what I want from him though. Loyalty? The silent hope of his love? Or is it that constant hunger inside of me, yelling at my heart that he's a good person? It may as well just be his body or company… Maybe even just his song and voice.
But why then don't I kick him out if I can't know what I like about him? That's the thing… I like him so much that I can't think of a reason to not like him. Those nights that we'd stay up late having a heart to heart talk after sex, or just the nights that he's fallen asleep on my shoulder in my office or my lap by the television. It's gravitation. Murphy's law is against me. Murphy's just against me, period.
Shuichi was the most energetic lover I've ever had. At the beginning he sucked in bed, had no lyric writing skills and couldn't produce anything to really interest me. I was in trouble as soon as I figured this one out. But eventually, as time moved on, he became more relaxed and I became patient with him. Shuichi got to be a tease and met my level of satisfaction. I could relax better when he touched me in areas, but in others I needed to relieve the sexual tension. Both ways I always wound up on top of him and he'd squeal.
But today was quite different. I came home in a good mood for the most part, and he started with his questions. Why, where were you? Why didn't you call if you were going to be late? Why, why, why, why, WHY? Everything always needed an explanation for him. He needed to know all the time as if he were five and a half years old and didn't know better. Everything included twenty questions and everything needed to be explained thoroughly. That's the one reason that I would kick him from my house. That was the reason that I wouldn't want to live with him: the constant 'why's.
I didn't want to answer. I never want to answer because he'll ask why or what happened. I never want to answer him but I always wind up doing it. I started to type and the door swung open. I looked over to see Mika, glaring me.
"What do you want?" I asked. She walked closer to me, still angry and smacked my face. I didn't move that much. I just sat in shock.
"What's wrong with you Eiri? You have no respect for others or their affection on you?" She yelled. I took in the beating, keeping my face straight and serious. I never smiled in front of her anymore. I was always angry.
"What do you mean?"
"Shuichi left. He's gone and all his things." She snapped. I felt a bit happy, and at the same time a bit confused. He'd left me. For the first time in his life, Shuichi had left me. I'm usually the one who kicks the kid out, or I'll leave. But it was different. He'd left.
"Where'd he go?" I asked coldly. She smirked slightly.
"Your brother's house." She said, smiling. I don't think I heard her correctly. Shuichi chose my brother over me. I always knew that Tatsuha would interfere with us once, and take Shuichi away with him. I just never thought this soon. Tatsuha was physically like me in everyway except hair and eyes, and he was open, kind, and obsessed with Sakuma Ryuichi.
"Why?" I asked. I cringed at the word, said with such a miserable tone. She held my face with a harsh grip and looked me over.
"You're an asshole." She shook her head, leaving the room and my flat. I wanted to go after her but I stayed, rooted to my chair. He left. I could never believe it but he left. And for once in my life, I actually wanted him to return to me.
I felt crumbled without him- crushed, hurt, rejected, and lonely. I needed to call him. I may as well just call Tohoma.
Tohoma was one of my friends, no matter how much he wanted me in his bed. I don't think that I could ever sleep with him. Tohoma- who'd married my sister a few years ago- was the only one who knew of my past. I intended to keep it that way until I got around to Shuichi. He wanted to know about it, and I always rejected that.
"Hello?"
"Tatsuha. Where's Shuichi?" I asked, more like a statement. He chuckled.
"Right here. He doesn't look to happy though." He said, probably smiling like a maniac. I growled and slammed my hand down on my desk that held my computer.
"Let me talk to him damn it!" I snapped, yelling quite loudly. There was a pause on the other line and I waited, saying hello.
"Yu… ki…' A voice whispered. Shuichi. I felt my eyes light up, smiling and sighing.
"You left… Why'd you leave?" I asked calmly.
"You've been so cold to me lately Yuki! I can't put up with you being in these constant mood swings, and then trying to come back to me after yelling at me! You don't tell me anything and if you do it's in less then five words!" He sounded like he was crying. I wanted to cry for him, and beat myself.
"Shuichi you ask too many questions though!" I said. He sighed.
"You don't elaborate with things!" He cried. I sighed and just held the phone, listening to his tears drop one after another down his face.
When I thought he was finished I asked him.
"Sorry." He whispered. I smiled and slightly sighed, looking over my screen. I'd written quite a hefty composition today and I did want him to read it.
"Shuichi I want you home. I can't live without you." I whispered softly.
"I can't come home Yuki. I don't like how you treat me… It's borderline abuse!" He said, sniffling. I gulped. He was right. I did treat him pretty badly and it was probably close to abuse. I shook my head.
"Shuichi how… I'm sorry." I said, barley whispering. I could hear him sniffling, not wanting this moment anymore then I did.
"You hurt me Yuki… It hurts." He sighed. I moved away from my computer, sitting in the darkness.
"Shuichi… I'm sorry Shuichi I am… I just can't… I…" I gulped, not wanting the words to come out, "I love you." I whispered. I heard him gasp, and a loud clunk as if he dropped the phone. As soon as I heard his voice again I smiled to myself.
"Yuki… You never. You never said that to anyone!" He gasped. I know, it was as much of a surprise to him as it was to me. Shuichi was coming home though, and there was to be much story sharing with him.