"Aw man! My brain is working as well as a baboon's butt!" I yelled, throwing my pen down in defeat.
"Would that be while it's humping a hot chick or while it's shitting? Either way, that is the most apt description of you that I've ever heard," King Jerk replied over his spilling glass of pure heaven, aka vodka.
"Shut up, punk," I snapped, throwing an eraser at him. It bounced off his head and landed straight in his vodka. Seeing him gape like a fish pushed me over the edge and I laughed my ass off. It was like it was straight out of a gag show!
I clutched my stomach as the pain intensified in my lungs. They were screaming for air but I could only wheeze in laughter as the oversized prick stared at his glass, looking like a six-year old kiddo whose pet fish died because he put it in alcohol instead of water.
"Chu GaEul!" he screamed, never taking his eyes off the liquid pleasure.
"I'm… HAHAHAHA!... Sorr- HAHAHAHHA! Ry," I snorted and chortled all unladylike while banging the table with my hands.
And I meant it. I swear, cross my heart and hope to die, I would never intentionally deny my worst enemy the pleasure of an intoxicating drink, not least my best friend. Unless said enemy stole my Ben and Jerry's ice cream.
Then I stared in horror as the uncultured brute shrugged his shoulders and simply downed the shot, eraser dust and all.
I know I must have looked like my Aunt Margery's forever-drooling bull dog with my jaw dropping to the floor.
"T'was too much to waste," he commented as he SMACKED HIS LIPS. "It'd be like having a willing, hot stripper opening up her legs and not taking the chance to bang her."
I could feel the need to hurl.
"Ew! I need brain bleach! Oh my God, the image! That is dirty even coming from you!" I shrilled and kicked him in the knee. "And get out of my room So YiJeong, I have a math test to study for!"
"Ugh," he grunted as he limped to the door. "I am so glad that I'm done with that shit."
Resisting the urge to throw something at the cocky bastard, I returned back to my math textbook, which could be in Greek for all I knew.
It should be illegal for teachers to make students learn math! I mean, who will ever use differentiation or integration when shopping in the mart? It just causes more concussions than good! If eating the whole textbook would help retain all these damn information, I would but right now all I wanted to do was take a knife and stab it. Repeatedly. Like how I would to a rapist's balls. With the speed that YiJeong would pump into me as we reached our climax.
Oh yes, my best friend – with benefits.
He was 6 and I was 4 and still running around in diapers when we first met. Our moms were friends and they would bring us round all the time when they met for tea. For a while, we were innocent little angles, playing around in the pool, I, with my mother's messed up mind, waddling stark naked and he jumping around showing his pee-pee to the world. And you know, when you get access to top secret information about every single mole on the other person's body, you become best friends. Of course that changed later and we never introduced the mole on his butt and the mole on my boob to the world ever again. Until puberty hit.
Call it hormones or whatever you want, the cooties I saw on other guys started to fade and instead, I was hungry for them. Like not in the stomach but down there. But of course, I was an angel and never made a move on anyone of the opposite sex (Of course, also none on the same sex). My mother would have clutched her pearls and gasped and I was too young to have my mother taken away by cardiac arrest.
That animal downstairs through, was a different story.
Before, he just attracted the 'ladies' with his ripped superman-body that he somehow got from hockey training. I have no idea when he found time to play hockey with a father breathing down his neck for a perfect pottery piece, but yes, he became freaking hulk with hockey. He also became a hot piece of ass, I have to give it to him. Then he learned to charm the panties off them and there was no going back. It was like he'd found his life's dream – to enter the Guinness's World Records with the highest stacked tower of condoms used by one person.
All the while, I would just tut at him with hypocritical disapproval while dreaming of actually having that prime meat in my sleeps at night. Cleaning up my bed the nights after was a bitch.
But we were still best friends and loved taunting each other and fighting over the last scoop of ice cream (I always won because I would sock him in the face for it) and we never crossed the line. I mean, come on. I've seen this guy pee in his pants and face-plant himself in spaghetti and he's seen me with runny mascara and wiping my snot with his shirt that he was still wearing. There was no way in hell could we look in each other's eyes and have hot sex.
Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you Vodka. And Martinis. And Soju, Makgeolli and Heineken. And of course, Guinness. Basically, alcohol, the magical cursed substance that can turn a rat's ass into hunk-a-dory, tap-able, mouth-wateringly hot stuff. I can't believe I'm describing the man-whore like this. But yes, Alcohol can make you give your virginity to your best friend.
And boy was it really hot. Of course, the next day I woke up and cried and beat him blue but somehow I couldn't forget the thrill and mind-blowing sensations he made me feel and so we ended up knowing more than just the surface of each other.
And no one knew because it was our dirty little secret. I am not looking forward to hearing squeals from middle aged ladies as they marry me to a husband of their choice if they find out. 20 bucks as to who that super-lucky guy would be. I am also not looking forward to arranging for the funeral of my best friend's if my dad ever found out he 'deflowered' me.
Math is hard. I've been reading the same equation a hundred times already but all that was going in was So YiJeong. What the hell?
It was time to call 911 to help me with this monstrous breach in law.
"SO YIJEONG GET YOUR ASS UP HERE!" I yelled unceremoniously. Since he was 2 years my senior, he should know this.
Two seconds later, he was shuffling through the doorway, munching on a bag of cheerio's, locking the door behind him. If his mind so gets near the gutter when I'm here suffering…
"You know I like it when you get bossy, but there's no need to shout darling. My rock-hard hammer will always be ready for you."
I smacked him up the head.
"I need help with this problem," I stated, jabbing my index finger at the black and white.
He sat on the stool beside me casually.
"If it involves me helping you scream my name in fevered ecstasy, I know how and can help you out now," he replied while scooting his stool over, peering at my textbook.
"Dear Buddha, if you would oh-so-help-me…" I muttered, rolling my eyes.
God's personal creation turned to stare at me with wide eyes.
"Wow, I didn't know you regarded me so highly," he chirped, a smirk decorating his perfect-ass face. "For that, I reward your honour with a kiss."
And the freaking cheese-ball kissed me. I pushed him back in disgust.
"So YiJeong!"
"Chu GaEul!" he replied in the same high-pitched voice. "Hey, your parents aren't home and the peek down your neckline just woke up little YiJeong."
I stared at him disgusted. But then I smirked and wrapped my arms around him and kissed him.
The little toad was already pushing me onto my bed, fingers underneath my bra.
There are a few things that are worth putting studying off for. And having mind-blowing sex with my best friend tops the list.