The Lingering Silence
In retrospect, making love with Sachiko hadn't been at all what Yumi had been expecting.
She hadn't thought it would be awkward. Hesitant, fumbling, perhaps, but nothing like this; not this painfully uncertain silence. Making love to Sachiko was both more and less intimate than she'd thought it would be, and that confused her.
Sachiko was so very beautiful. She was at her most beautiful, in Yumi's rather well-informed opinion, when she was coming. Yumi always savored the low moans that slipped from Sachiko's lips as she shuddered, clutching at Yumi fiercely, her body taut. She always felt a particular tenderness for Sachiko in those moments, and a profound gratitude that she had been allowed to witness them. They also made her feel powerful, in a way: she had done this. She, Fukuzawa Yumi, had brought Sachiko to the brink and then sent her over the edge. Though not, it had to be said, as skillfully as Sachiko did the same for her.
Sachiko had taken to the art of giving pleasure much as she'd taken to the other, more traditional, arts when she was back in school. Their first time together had been an aberration; she had not been herself that night. Their subsequent couplings had more than demonstrated her ability to deliver pleasure.
When Sachiko touched her, Yumi was sure that her every reaction was written all over her face, plain as day. The moans, gasps, and other assorted utterances that fell from her lips without conscious volition certainly left no doubt in Sachiko's mind that Yumi was enjoying herself, though they were rather inconvenient when the pair were trying to keep quiet.
Sachiko was her complete opposite in that regard. She lay there, silent, nearly still, a murmured "Not there," or "Not so hard," her only verbal cues. It made Yumi feel so terribly alone, as though the Sachiko she was touching were a mere shell of herself, the real woman a million miles away. It also made her feel rather inept. Surely she must be doing something wrong.
But she couldn't quite manage to ask, and Sachiko never volunteered anything on the subject; and so the silence continued, feeding Yumi's doubts and uncertainties.
That had always been their biggest problem, hadn't it? Lack of communication. They both had a tendency to keep things buried inside until the inevitable emotional upheaval. Their reasons for doing so, always so compelling at the time, never seemed to make quite as much sense after the fact.
But they'd both worked on that. They'd learned the hard way, several times, that keeping things from each other simply didn't work. As Yumi had grown closer to Sachiko, she'd gotten over her initial awe and hesitancy, and Sachiko, for her part, had learned to confide in the younger girl to a degree she would never before have believed possible. They had few secrets from each other these days.
So why, then, could she not say the words?
Do you not want me, after all? Just thinking them was enough to bring a familiar tightness to Yumi's chest, accompanied by a familiar lump to her throat.
She should have asked the first time. Should never have presumed...
She had only wanted to offer comfort. Support. Love. To tell Sachiko that she was not alone, that she was loved and desired.
When things had progressed beyond that first fumbling, tear-stained kiss, that had been all that was on Yumi's mind. She'd taken Sachiko's mute acquiescence as some form of agreement, reciprocation. Perhaps that had been a mistake. She'd known Sachiko had frowned upon what they were doing on a moral level, but she had never stopped to consider that perhaps Sachiko honestly didn't want her in that way, didn't want to do what they were doing. Perhaps she should have.
Maybe Sachiko had only been seeking comfort, clutching at anything that was available. And maybe she was continuing to do that, persisting in their physical relationship to avoid damaging their emotional one.
Have I been taking advantage of her all this time, pushing her into something she didn't want?
Tears welled up in Yumi's eyes before she could stop them, dripping down onto Sachiko's breast where her head lay, pillowed, the most comfortable position for what they were doing at the moment.
"Yumi."
Sachiko's hand came down to cover Yumi's, stilling her movement.
Yumi didn't raise her head; she kept her gaze fixed downward, idly observing the smooth plane of Sachiko's stomach, the dark thatch of hair below it, and the gentle movement of Sachiko's fingers as they stroked Yumi's hand.
"What is the matter?"
Yumi was silent for a moment, trying to figure out what to say.
Do you not want me? The thought flashed through her head again, and again she failed to say the words.
Sachiko's other arm, which had been wrapped around Yumi, shifted a bit, and Yumi felt fingers begin to stroke her hair.
She had to say something. It was time.
Yumi took a deep breath. "Are you enjoying this?" She asked.
She heard a rapid intake of breath. "O-... of course. I would tell you if I were not."
"But you-" Yumi couldn't quite form the words, but she knew Sachiko would understand anyway.
"You know this isn't easy for me. I... I cannot..." She trailed off, flustered. "It isn't in my nature to be vocal," she conceded, finally.
"Oh, really." Yumi smirked, loving the feel of Sachiko's skin under her cheek as she did so. She regretted it almost immediately; this wasn't the time for teasing.
Sachiko didn't comment on the ill-placed jibe, just continued stroking Yumi's hair in silence.
It seemed both of them were at a loss for words. Which meant, Yumi realized, that it was up to her to steer the conversation. She pulled back, twisting a bit so that she could comfortably face the other woman, her hand slipping from underneath Sachiko's and coming up to rest on Sachiko's upper arm.
"I know," she began, "that you were raised to act a certain way all the time. And I know all this is new for both of us. But I thought..."
I thought that love would be enough. I thought that things would just work, because it was us. I thought you trusted me enough to let go.
"Don't you trust me?" She blurted.
"I do. More than anyone in this world. But you must realize that isn't the issue here, Yumi."
"What is the issue?" Yumi asked softly.
Sachiko sighed. "There are many issues. Ones we should have discussed from the beginning, but didn't."
Yumi wasn't quite sure how to respond.
"This is not, however," Sachiko continued, "the ideal time for that."
Only then did Yumi really take in the slight flush to Sachiko's cheeks, the bit of dazed sparkle to her eyes. And was that a hint of impatience, lurking there?
She smiled.
Shifting a bit, she returned to her previous position, snaking her hand down to rest between Sachiko's legs.
"We will need to discuss this later, Yumi," Sachiko said, a note of warning in her voice, and Yumi nodded once before directing her full attention to the task at hand.
The difficult words would come later. Right then, all she cared about was touching the beautiful woman in whose arms she lay.