Summary: When fears get the better of Nicky, Red comes to her daughter's aid.
Disclaimer: I own nothing but my love for OITNB
Remember to breathe
"And if you were to disappear from my life, I dare say, I would even forget to breathe." M.R.M
Hot, very hot, too hot. Sweat, sticky, stifling, must cool down. Remember to breathe.
The disjointed thoughts swam around Nicky's mind as she clambered from her bunk, her skin slick with a sudden searing flush swamping every sense. Her heart was racing ten to the dozen; adrenalin was the only thing keeping her coherent enough to even move. She had tried so hard to keep calm, to remember to breathe, but that's the thing about panic attacks. You can't control it once the fright takes hold.
Water, water, you need water.
Her legs felt as though they would give in at any moment, the showers were so close yet so far to the young inmate at that moment.
She doesn't love you; you'll be alone again, alone, hot and alone, burning up. Remember to breathe.
She ferociously shook her head in the hope to stop the spiteful thoughts demanding attention in her overworked mind.
Tiles, the shower room, find the tap.
Her hands blindly slammed against the walls, feeling around until finally she felt the rusted faucet beneath her shaking palm. With an eerie rumble the old pipes clanked together momentarily before finally, thankfully, the shower head burst forth with water.
Water, salvation, not alone...remember to breathe.
Nicky stood as still as she could beneath the torrent of cold water, shaking and hunched in her white vest and knickers. She clamped her teeth together as tightly as she dared, despite the awful grinding sound they made, as yet another spike of heat burnt through every nerve in her body. Each breath came at a price of white hot pain, and as she gulped down another lung full another spike hit her. The young inmate prepared herself for the wave of heat to reach its peak, her hands flying out to hold the cubicle walls as her knees began to quiver. It's coming, she knows the unbearable pain is about to reach its climax and then the fever will break for a period. Relief is on its way she thought repeatedly as yet more hot sweat ran into her eyes forcing her to plunge her world into darkness. The coolness of the tiles beneath her palms was the only thing that grounded her in that moment. The cold water seemed to boil as it made contact with Nicky's skin, instantly evaporating, because she couldn't feel the coolness she had gone in search for. But her vest was sodden and starting to hang from her aching body and her wild hair was sticking to her face and her shoulders so there must have been water even if she couldn't actually feel it. Despite the situation she couldn't help but smile through the pain as the Russian cook's voice rang through her mind.
'You look like a drowned rat, go and fetch your brush scruff-bag.'
The thought of Red struck a bolt of emotion deep into Nicky's gut, jerking her already sensitive tummy with the new sensation of want unsettling her. She wants Red there with her. She craved for the warm feeling she got whenever Red's slightly worn hands would cup her face. It was something she always did, and Nicky had noticed it was only her to whom she would do so. She needed her thick, strangely soothing accent to talk away her pain. She swallowed down another gasp; it felt as though someone was prodding her brain with a fire iron. Again the yearning for Red uncomfortably flipped her stomach over bringing a hiss to Nicky's lips in frustration.
Her brain was on fire, she was sure of it, she was sure there were needles slowly sinking into her skull just behind her eyes. Suddenly, as yet another agonizing spike washed over her body, Nicky was no longer in the shower anymore, but in a bright orange suit. She's just arrived at Litchfield. And although the driver, Morrelo, was nice, Nicky's fucking terrified.
Her mother hadn't even said good bye and she highly doubted she'd see her again. She was going to die alone in here. Even the mere thought of it made hot tears build at the corners of her eyes. She had turned away from the other newbie's to clear any evidence of weakness away and that's when she had first met Red. It was as though the red headed Russian had figured her out within seconds of making eye contact with her. Nicky remembers it well, remembers vividly the feeling of complete vulnerability paralysing her as she met eyes with the head cook across the cafeteria. She recalls perfectly how she had willed herself to look away but found she couldn't. There was just something about the spiky haired elder that drew Nicky's complete attention like a moth to a light bulb. More strangely yet, she seemingly had the same effect on the older woman. Nicky had smiled at Red and remembers comfortingly the smile Red returned that day. Her smile had been Nicky's lifeline that first night. A smile that meant things could be okay.
But the memory isn't strong enough to stop a barely controlled cry breaking through the locked lips of the young girl as the heat intensified beyond comprehension.
'Mummy, I need you.' She couldn't hold it back any longer, despite her ever stubborn need to appear strong, she needed her mum now.
She loved the intimidating older inmate. Not like she had loved the many pretty girls beneath the sheets but in the purest sense of the form. She had been the only person to care for Nicky. Not because she was being paid to like her many Nanny's, or because she had to like the nurses and doctors at the many rehab centres she suffered through. Red just cared. Like the mother she never had.
At first the very idea that Red had managed to break through all Nicky's defences scared her to the core. It made her vulnerable. She had broken her first rule of self preservation; never let anyone close. She soon got over it though, as her and Red grew closer. When she had called Red 'mum' for the first time, the older woman had burst into tears before throwing her arms around her and confessing something in Russian. When she ever dared to call her real mother mum she would just stare at Nicky like a dirty stain on her white carpets.
She doesn't love you, not really. Nicky hissed loudly against her inner voice once more reminding her how she had got into this state. She had been celebrating with Trisha. But they had gotten into an argument over fucking refrigerator cooling aid of all things. They had ended up saying really hurtful things to each other. Nicky had wound Trisha up about Mercy fucking girls whilst Trish was still locked up. Trisha, after swallowing the hateful words had replied. 'If your own mother couldn't love you Nicky, what makes you think Red really does?' She had left after that, both not wanting to stick around and face the results of their temper tantrums. Hours later during the dead hours that only night could bring, Nicky's overactive mind had tormented her with Trisha's words over and over and over again. Eventually the fury fuelled comment became gospel to the young inmate, and that's when she began to panic...that's when the heat arrived.
'Oh fuck...Mum...' She whimpered pathetically as another wave washed through her.
Red startled awake with a hoarse gasp ripping through her dry throat almost painfully. A coating of cold sweat chilled her skin as her heart pounded beneath her chest. Slowly shuffling up into a seated position the Russian blinked rapidly in order to clear her disorientated head. She had dreamt she was burning alive. She pulled her long sleeved top off; revelling in the chill her skin gave off now that it was more exposed to the cold night air. She would have sworn on her mother's grave that the white hot flames were real. Adjusting her vest over her bust, Red slowly manoeuvred her legs round until she was sitting on the edge of her bunk. Her feet instinctively found their way into her slippers tucked ready under her bed.
As the remnants of the unconscious fog cleared from her mind, she grew aware of the odd sensation in her gut. There was what she could only describe as a tugging and twisting in her stomach fraying her nerves. Red clutched at her abdomen, taking in several deep breathes in an attempt to calm her heightening anxiety. Stranger yet, through all her confusion the only thing Red's mind held firmly to was the urge to go and check on Nicky.
Berating herself with a derisive snort she deliberately tried to ignore the rapidly building, unexplainable concern she was experiencing at the mere thought of the mouthiest member of her little flock. But it was all to no avail as the urge to go and check on the sleeping girl would not be suppressed.
It was all Red could do but let out an almost inaudible chuckle. What had that girl done to her!
When she had first laid eyes on the youngster, her breath had literally been stolen. The whole hall had been thrumming with inmates lunching and chatting and arguing away. But despite how busy it was or how busy she was, something out of the corner of her eye caught Red's attention. It was a flash of untamed strawberry blond hair. Red remembers frantically moving through the crowd to spy the source of what she had seen. And that was when she first locked eyes with Nicky. Who just...smiled, and Red smiled back, somewhat dumbfounded at the unusual flare of warmth she felt as the girl with the big sad eyes smiled wider before she left. It was as though they were two old friends reunited after years apart.
From that moment onwards Nicky progressively took up a superior amount of Red's thoughts. And now there she was all this time later waking herself with thoughts of the girl. Without further thought or question however, the slightly arthritic Russian had made up her mind to go to Nicky.
Her baby needed her. It was as simple as that.
She wasn't the parental type, never had been. Sure she loved her boys, in her own way, just as they loved her in their own way. But they never really needed 'Mummy' not when they had their father and uncles. She was just the apron strings.
But with Nicky...Nicky was different. There was something about Nicky that pulled on Red's heart strings, made the Russian want to care and protect the girl. She was a better person for knowing Nicky. She always referred to all her girls as daughters, and she meant it, but merely in a comradely way. But with Nicky it ran deep; scarily deep and it was because of that reason, Red dared the tense tip toe towards her daughters bunk.
She had thought, perhaps naively, Nicky would be sound asleep, and she could put her midnight venture down to lack of sleep or something. But when she found the bunk empty she instantly began to panic, her normally coolly composed exterior cracked, letting all her colliding emotions overtake and dictate her body, freezing her to the spot.
Desperate not to let panic get the better of her Red swiftly plunged her eyes into darkness, breathing steadily for a few moments in an attempt to clear her mind. It was then that she heard it.
Rain, it was raining somewhere. For a split second, standing there in the pitch black, the idea of it raining somewhere in Litchfield's halls seemed perfectly plausible, that was until logic caught up with rest of her senses and Red realised it was a shower she could hear.
As soon as Red's eyes finally saw sight of Nicky, a knife plunged sharply into Red's heart, so real it felt to her anyway, that as she came to grasp at her chest she expected to feel an actual weapon lodged in her ribcage. All colour washed from the Russian's face as she scrambled to compose herself, her heart tearing in half at the sight of the girl beneath the flood of water. She looked so little and broken standing there in her underwear, her pale skin made all the more shocking against the yellow tiles. Her beautiful cherub face was morphed into a heartbreaking tableau of pain.
Words were stolen from Red as she stepped into the shower, too concerned for Nicky to react to the freezing temperature; she gently cupped Nicky's face between her trembling hands.
Her eyes flying open, Nicky cried out as she flinched away from the sudden unexpected presence.
'Shush sweetheart, it's only me.' Red's accent was thick, her mother tongue fuelled by emotion.
'Are you really here?' Nicky asked in a tiny voice.
'Yes, and I'm not going anywhere.' Red answered softly, placing a swift kiss on Nicky's forehead.
Unable to talk through the heat seizing her body, Nicky simply let her eyes close again with a smile, as she heard the older woman proclaim what she already knew; she was on fire. But Red was there and that's all that mattered.
'Why did you not come and get me huh, you stupid girl?' She hadn't meant to sound so harsh, but Red was overwhelmed and frightened and desperate to say the least. And the idea that Nicky had been alone in this state whilst she had been sleeping happily tore at her guilty.
'I didn't want to wake you up.' Nicky whimpered her heavy lidded eyes flicking up to meet the concerned blues of the older inmate. Despite the fatigue she felt, she couldn't help but smile as Red snorted something derisive in Russian.
'I don't give a shit if you wake me, you should have got me as soon as you started to feel ill.' At the back of Red's mind she cringed at how all she ever seemed capable of was anger. It seemed to be her default reaction whenever she was faced with a more frightening emotion such as concern or love.
Just as Nicky's default was to retaliate with profanities and sarcasm, all she wanted was for Red to hold right now, but she was scolding her instead. She was so confused and the heat wasn't helping.
'Why do you care, afraid you'll miss your chance at seeing me in my delicates?' Even as the words left her mouth Nicky desperately tried to back track, her eyes meeting Red's in panicked apology. Red simply ignored her daughter's crude comment. After all she didn't call her 'little girl big mouth' for the fun of it.
She turned the shower off and gently stopped the feeble attempt from Nicky to turn it back on, encouraging the girl to sit instead. It looked as though her legs would give in at any moment as it was, and Red definitely didn't want her getting hurt if she should suddenly fall.
She had seen her through several fevered attacks, she kept telling herself whilst she pressed herself harder against the tiles as Nicky's head knocked against her breast bone a tad painfully. Long ago now, when Nicky had gone through one of the worst withdrawals and recoveries Red had ever seen in Litchfield, she had unfortunately become well accustomed to nursing Nicky through fevered attacks. But she had got her through that. However it did nothing to ease the worry she felt for the girl seated between her legs. She pulled Nicky closer against her, her hand reaching around to press flatly against the young girl's chest, the other resting on Nicky's thigh; she purposefully took big, long breaths.
'That's it, breathe with me. Feel our chests rise and fall together.' She instructed soothingly and calmly, focusing on the steady movement of her thorax compared to the jerkier rise and fall of Nicky's as she still struggled to catch her breath.
'Come now, there's no need to cry, you're fine.' She lied as Nicky choked down yet another distressed whimper. She needed her to calm down.
'Feel the air, feel the relief, its coming sweetheart; be patient, here it comes...' She softly reassured knowing the girl's fever was about to break. At least, she hoped it would, otherwise she would have to get help and Nicky would be taken away from her. And in a place like this she may never see her again.
However, within a few long, excruciating minutes Nicky finally grew still against Red. No more anguished whimpers left her lips but shallow breaths of relief and exhaustion. Red idly ran her fingers through Nicky's drying hair as the quiet and calm washed over their strained bodies.
Red knew it could be one of three things, her daughter was actually ill, she had taken something...or it was one of her attacks she sometimes had. Whichever it was it made Red's heart tighten uncomfortable all the same. It came down to elimination, and the cook decided to start with the one she desperately hoped it wasn't.
'Have you got something to tell me, Nicky?' Red asked after a moment of wording it rightly in her mind, unable to completely disguise the apprehension in her voice. Her hold unconsciously tightened around her little girl. She rarely got to hold her like this during the day, not wanting to embarrass her daughter around her friends.
Nicky grew tense against her mother as the implication in that question fully registered in her mind. She felt anger build in her stomach that Red felt she needed to ask such a thing. But just as swiftly the anger abated as she realised the events of tonight were scarily familiar to her first month or so here.
'No.' she hadn't taken anything. If she had, she wouldn't have had an argument with Trish; she wouldn't have worked herself up like she had.
A few butterflies began to blossom in her stomach as she waited for Red to reply. In her mind she was coming up with several answers to prove she was telling the truth. But when she felt a feather light kiss brush against her crown it dawned on her. Red believed her. Her real mother would never believe her, no matter if she was telling the truth or not. The amount of times Nicky had come to her mum clean only to be rejected once more had pushed Nicky back to the lifestyle that very nearly killed her.
She crooked her head to the side to look up at Red, a thoughtful expression painting her features. Red met her gaze with a questing look and a soft smile. Seemingly the girl was lost in her thoughts as she continued to peer at her mother, but not quite seeing her. Red watched with amused eyes as her daughter slowly came out of her thoughts, her dark eyes clouding over briefly before regaining their usual brightness, if not slightly heavy lidded due to exhaustion.
'Sometimes I forget that you haven't always been my mum, but then I'm reminded, when you do something that she would never have done, like this, holding me, taking care of me...believing me...I wish you really were my mum.' Her voice was tiny but unafraid, the innocent lilt to her confession only rendering Red more speechless. Her heart felt near to bursting with the unconditional love she felt for the kid. She would never have thought it before meeting Nicky, but it was possible to love someone like your own whether they actually were or not.
She thanked the heavens everyday for giving her the daughter she never knew she wanted.
She shuffled awkwardly for a moment until she had a better view of Nicky.
'You've no need to wish it my girl, it's already true.' Red replied finally, making sure nothing but utter honesty shone through in her words.
Without thinking Red swiftly pressed the back of her palm against Nicky's forehead, noting with a jolt that the fever had completely abated. At the back of her mind, Red was gradually suspecting that this wasn't an attack brought on by illness but emotion. A suspicion that was quickly confirmed as she noticed that despite Nicky instinctively smiling at Red's words, she couldn't stop the slightest tremble of her lower lip escaping yanking at Red's heartstrings.
'Oh what is it sweetheart?' Red chuckled sadly as though she was talking to a shy child who was afraid to say she needed the toilet. Nicky shrugged half heartedly before looking away from the piercing blue eyes that demanded truth at all times. Red repressed a sigh of frustration, determined not to let Nicky do what she always did when she felt too vulnerable. It was one of the most important things she had learnt about her daughter, but it was also one of the only things she wished she could change about her. And that was the defensive wall Nicky spent most of her life building to keep the world out. Sure Red had long since made in it into the inner haven beyond the wall, but even still, Nicky would sometimes push even her away.
Running her fingers languidly through Nicky's hair in the hope to untangle the wild curls, Red waited several minutes in the optimism that Nicky would open up to her. She had a strong suspicion that her real mother never had much in the way of patience to offer the spirited child. But that is all it took. Patience and love, something so simple and so maternally easy and yet Nicky had been denied that. However after the minutes crawled by it became apparent that Red would need to coax it out of her if she were to get any sleep tonight, knowing that rest would most certainly evade her if she knew Nicky was not settled, after all it had woke her up for goodness sake.
'You know, unless you tell me what's wrong, I won't be able to help.'
'Nothing's wrong.' It was a lie so instinctual for the girl that for a fleeting moment she almost believed it herself. Red cocked her eyebrow, almost tempted to point out the fact that Nicky had never been able to lie to her so why would she even try. But by the way Nicky suddenly became more interested in looking at her hands rather than her she decided against it. Instead she chose the gentler approach, encouraging the young girl to look at her, her hands reaching up to softly lie on either side of her daughters face.
The youthful inmate's cheeks grew pink around the edges as she inadvertently fought against her instincts to retreat. Red could see the internal battle pulling the girl in two, watching as Nicky looked back and forth between the exit and Red before finally, and thankfully, shrinking into Red's embrace, hiding her head against the older woman's chest. Perhaps because of the hour, or because she was tired or maybe just because she was wrapped in the warmth of the elder cook, but suddenly, Nicky decided it was alright to let Red in. And in that moment an irreparable, irreversible part of the wall Nicky hid behind, fell away.
'But you're not really are you. My mum I mean, you're not really my mum...are you?' Red wasn't sure if it was a statement or a question, but either way it took her by surprise. Her heart ached for Nicky as the extent of the young girl's vulnerability truly dawned on her. And within an instant the Russian's shackles were up, the intense instinct of protection clouding her mind bringing forth her most dangerous side. The realisation of just how far she'd go in order to protect her daughter would scare Red later on when her mind clears. But the need to quell Nicky's bittersweet fears was far superior then contemplating such things at the time.
'Did someone say something to you?' Her voice was tight.
'No.' Nicky lied, not wanting to drag Trish into this; they had both said hurtful things after all.
'Nicky.' Red chastised slightly, cocking an eyebrow in reprimand at her kid.
Nicky's soulful brown eyes instantly began to fill once more with tears.
'Trisha and I had an argument. She said...it doesn't matter what she said. It's the truth.' Nicky confessed with a slight tremble in her voice making Red want to go and wake Trisha up and demand the full story. She loved Trisha; she was a much welcomed member to her little insider family, but she had a disruptive streak in her that Red had never been able to quell.
Suddenly a memory long since forgotten came hurtling back into the front of Red's mind that brought a sad but reminiscent smile to her lips. She had been sitting opposite her mother and she was nine months pregnant with her first child, crying her eyes out and scared to death that she wouldn't make a good mother.
"You just wait, Galina, as soon as that babe is born, all these fears will be gone.' Mother Reznikov said patting her daughter's bump offhandedly.
'How can you be so sure? What if one night he gets ill and I don't realise...' She had heard stories of mothers waking up and finding their baby had passed during the night.
'That won't happen.'
'How can you be so sure?' She repeated earning a sigh from her mother.
'Because a mother always knows, you will know if your baby needs you. Do not worry so much my girl, motherhood will be the greatest and most trying experience in your life, just remember to breathe.' She smiled humorously because giving Red her trademark look that said the matter was closed.
Red let her eyes fall as the memory washed over her and when she opened them again she imagined, only for a second, that she could see her mother beside her and Nicky.
'Hey Ma.'
'Hey kid.' Her voice was quiet as her slightly ghostly eyes looked down at Nicky
'You were the same when you were young Galina, so unsure. Little girls need their mothers more than sons, you know that.' Her mother finished with a look that expressed her pride for Red more than she had ever said whilst living.
Red held her mother's gaze for a moment longer, before looking away, coming back into the real world. 'You know, my own mother once told me that as a mother, you'll always know when your child needs you.' Her voice was soft and emotive.
Nicky lifted her head slightly, listening intently as Red continued to share with her.
'Tonight I had a dream that I was burning alive, it was so vivid it woke me up. I was so disorientated for a moment, but the one thing I knew for sure was that I had to find you. Now, tell me, why would I feel like that if you weren't my daughter?' Red finished with a soft smile that let on a lot more than what she was actually saying.
When Nicky didn't answer Red prompted her with a little 'hmmm?'
Nicky snorted derisively.
'Are you doubting the wise words of my mother, little girl?' Red jested softly, her hand sneaking beneath Nicky's vest in order to tickle the sensitive skin on Nicky's side, earning an innocent giggle from Nicky as she shook her head, moving away from Red's playful hand. Almost before Red had a chance to enjoy her daughter's smile however, it fell away.
'It's not the same though.' Her voice was so quiet. 'What happens out of here, when you get your real family back, what happens to me?' She paused, looking away briefly because continuing, her voice even quieter.
'I'll be on my own again.'
Clearing her throat slightly, in a feeble attempt to clear the emotional lump lodged firmly in place, Red gently pressed Nicky's head against her chest.
'Hear that? Her voice was hoarse with emotion.
'Yes. It's your heart.' Nicky replied in a whisper.
'Yes it is.' Red smiled, encouraging the girl to sit up once more and guiding Nicky's hand over her own chest. 'And can you feel that?'
Again Nicky nodded. 'My heart...'
'Yes. Don't you see? It doesn't matter whether or not I gave birth to you. You are my daughter Nicky Nichols and with every beat of my heart, the love I have for you only grows. As long as I am here, you will never be alone. Never doubt that my sweet girl.' Red finished with a smile that spoke far more than any amount of words ever could.
Nicky didn't answer but curled closer into Red's embrace only encouraging the relieved smile to grow on the older woman's lips. She closed her eyes as she felt her daughter's cheek press against her chest, over her heart once more.
'I love you, Mummy.' Just like the first ever time Nicky had muttered those words, Red's eyes instantly began to water, utter euphoric all consuming love and pride bringing the hardened Russian to tears. Had someone come to her years ago and told her that one day she'd be responsible for a beautiful, damaged, sprightly girl. Had they said that she would fall in love with her, become completely, irrevocably attached and protective of her, or that she would eventually become a mother to the child-she would laugh in their face. She would shake her head and continue to laugh at the ridiculousness whilst she carried on chopping large bits of meat with her trusted cleaver. How wrong she was. Sniffing away the last of her tears, she cleared her throat slightly, before gently rousing a now sleepy Nicky.
'Come now, let's get you clothed and back in bed.'
She made her two feisty girls apologise to each other over their scrambled egg the next day. She didn't let on that she knew what had happened; instead she pulled the 'all knowing elder' card and insisted she just knew. Sure enough there were a few more angry words exchanged between the two. But with the threat that she would knock their heads together unless they did as they were told, the two girls mumbled their apologies before instantly starting up an avid conversation about lord knows what like nothing had ever happened.
Red simply rolled her eyes before turning to get back to work. Just before she disappeared behind the serving divide however, she turned back round.
There she was, her little girl, her greatest achievement, the reason, that even on her darkest days, she remembers to keep breathing...for her.
Completely and utterly full of love and sickening mush but it had to be done. It's half term, so expect more and soon, and that means you, CrazyMultiShipper! I really liked your ideas too, currently playing around with them as we speak. I hope you enjoy this, just as much as I enjoyed writing it- I hope everyone enjoys it! Please review if you did, it only encourages more Red/Nicky (sometimes Trisha) fics! :)