Lithuania's perception

hinted RusAme, lietpol

warnings: violence and slight smut, rape, abusive behaviour, insane thoughts, rated T because is not too explicit

Lithuania observes all his surroundings and realises things that most can't, forced to live with Russia he learns the man and develops sympathy to him, living with America he sees and understands more than most about the young nation and forced to keep aside he ignores and avoids watch the destructive Russia and the optimistic America fall into something they will never admit but something they can't avoid. Lithuania sees everything and takes is conclusions, sometimes he wished not to see at all.

Lithuania is a good man, a kind and attentive man. He lived for so long that he perfected the art of hiding and ignoring things. Sometimes he wonders if what he knows could make a change in the world and if that change would be for worse or for the best. Because of his own indecision and fear of ruin the slight peaceful years the word is living he does nothing, he just waits and watches carefully what is around him.

A long time ago he had a beautiful life with his best friend and lover Poland, they have one unbreakable alliance and power until russia decided he wanted what they had and have his friend back. Actually he was not his friend, Russia once told him he would grow powerful and then they could be friends, he never thought that country under the Golden Horde would get free and survive through the harsh conditions to become a big powerful country. He was wrong though, and the said country wanted to become the most powerful power and have as many friends as he could without realising that was not a good way. Lithuania only could watch in silence knowing no one could contradict the young man, he was too powerful and he would not allow any words against his beliefs.

Russia conquered them and took Lithuania to live with him, soon he had many countries there too, countries under Russian influence that had no other choice. He become attached to the man and the russian became attached too deciding that Lithuania was his favourite and as his favourite he would be nicer to him, but he used that advantage as defence for the other countries. He watched the man, the nation and with time he saw the man was just a child that couldn't separate both life's, a grown body with a childish mind and cruel life that craved the cold inside his flesh. A sad man, a haunted country, a greed that can never be filled.

The Russian drank, he drank a lot and sometimes he punished them drunk and was one of that days that he saw the truth inside the Strong country.

"Come! we will have fun da? You see… I do not get why Mr. Lithuania do not hate me even when I punish him… but I do believe you are the only country under my mighty rule that can grow and prosper, but you need help~~… I am very happy to say that I will give you what you need to prosper…" with those words the drunk nation shoved the thinner man to the ground hitting him roughly, kicking him and even grabbing his hair and pulling it. "That face suits you better da? now is time to make you a strong man~~" he bent above the man on the ground and brought his face for a bruising kiss biting when the man under him did not respond and pulling apart with a dark glint on his eyes, lust and anger. The Lithuanian knew the Russian was a beautiful man, all nations were beautiful, but he still didn't want him and plead to go but he would not get that wish, not today.

Without losing much time with foreplay he pulled the Lithuanian pants off and pressed himself inside of him without even help him or waiting for adjustment ,when finished he stood up and placed his own trousers on place. "disgusting da? Your own boss fucking you.. against your will! now do tell me… do you hate me now?"

"No…" the man on the ground whimpered crying while he looked up to a shivering nation, he truly thought he missed judged the nation, he thought that after all he was cruel but he could not get the will to hate the man… then he saw the truth behind the drunk slight shivering man.

"why? I do not understand… you should hate me! THIS IS DIRTY…. don't you have any decency! I AM YOUR BOSS AND I RAPED YOU! I … I have to make you understand… there is no place for the weak…." he gave a yell, the first and only time he saw the man yelling, then he barely whispered before turning away, he is sure he saw tears. Was on that moment he saw the truth inside of him, the fear, the lost, the pain and sorrow, the despair hidden. The man walked without another word and the next day he acted like nothing happened but he saw the russian staring at him with regret. He did that some more times but he never touched so intimately another country under his rules and for that Lithuania knew he would never be able to hate the a nation that hated himself.

The next thing that happened was every country living Russia going back home, the imperial Russia was failing and he could not support them any more; he walked back to his lover and was betrayed, Poland attacked him and their friendship took a solid break. Russia had warned him that every one leaves but he never thought his lover would do that. The next thing he knew was that he was craving for Russia's touches, he knew he was lost, the man would only want him to avoid the hollow inside himself but Lithuania thought that maybe, if the both were doing the same it wasn't so wrong.

Russia took great care of his countries, he was a devoted and dedicated ruler that only was cruel when rules were disobeyed or he was betrayed, or so he thought. When he could not longer afford them he tried to give them the most worthy conditions to develop. As his favourite Russia let him with America, a surprisingly young super power.

Lithuania was used to the hard work on Russia's house and also knew how to read the man, the first thing he noticed was how the russian seamed more warm near the blond. He knew that the nations had been friends, he knew that the cold nation was fond of the warm country believing that he could be great, powerful and deep inside he saw that something more happened between the nations but he once again decided to ignore, it could be his own mind, after all Russia was always trying to get China's attention. But there was something different on his eyes after seeing the blond that Lithuania couldn't ignore.

When he lived with the American he started to be familiar with his feelings and expressions, the next time they walked with Russia he saw a look, a longing look on the blond nation, after all he was wrong to ignore his suspecting thoughts, both looked at each other with longing, desperate longing but none of them would say or even give away those feelings.

"Why you called Amerika?" russia was not even wearing that tight smile and Lithuania was hiding curious, this meeting should never happen and only he knew because he lived there, what was happening! were they fighting because of him? Was Russia trying to take him back? he liked to live here though….

"Why are you leaving me for death? Are you suicidal? Oh, wait.. I already know that dude…. STOP THAT! DON'T PUSH ME BACK!" america was yelling anger and slight despair on his voice

"You do not need or want me, We are better away from each other…"

"Do you hate me? You said you do but.."

"I… do… I have to…" he turned around and start walking away

"I hate you too bastard! you lied… ahah I knew it was all lies…. BASTARD!… what happened after the Japanese war? tell me Russia… " america sat on his chair watching russia leave only Lithuania heard the whisper russia did 'I never lied…. sorry…'

When he returned to the Russian's home he saw the look on his face, jealous, at first he even thought the russian was jealous of him, he felt good about that, he craved the russian very much, he knew that was because he was avoiding the pain that Poland left but the Russian's touched, caresses and arms were the comfort he needed and he knew the russian was constantly trying to find comfort. The russian had his scarf, his vodka, his room of sunflowers, his beloved Lithuania but he never felt safe, he never felt warm and that saddened Lithuania. But one night he was asked about the life with the blond, he was curious and he saw that he was worried that they had slept together, but when he saw on his eyes that he was jealous of America and not himself he said America had a special relation with England, the hurt on the man was not as sweet as he though it would be, it was heartbreaking and he cursed the fact he was so lost that he hurt the one who tried to help.

A few years after the Cold war begun and Lithuania felt that maybe he had a part on it. He saw Russia's jealousy, the Russian would get nervous and afraid the time America spent with Japan and the Lithuanian was sure that the war russia fought with Japan had something to deal with that in a secret way. When he lived with America he saw America's jealousy, the Lithuanian made a comment of russia being more attached to the Chinese because of communism views. That sentence turned America's warm eyes into deep cold blue and he knew then that they were both lying to each other just to push the other to the limit, to see who would break first. Silly childish nations shouldn't have such power, but they had and then wars happened.

"America… when did Russia changed? I.. I mean… you said he was a good guy… before…" lithuania tried to sound casual but the shake of his voice gave him away, maybe he shouldn't ask that.

"I am not sure… but I think it was on the day a crazy guy lost it and killed innocent people… the end tsars too… I think he was involved but he never told me.. he started to run from me.. I guess he was busy but… maybe he didn't want my help or something… oh dude… I miss him…" the last words were barely whispered but he heard them and he knew what was he talking about, he knew the why the russian was hiding and that was the beginning of the nation's break… how could he tell that to such a young nation? he decided to keep quiet and let it slip…

He saw the hate in each other eyes during the cold war, it was so evident and deep that is brought fear just to see them at the same room. But Lithuania knew better, he saw the lust and desire hidden in america's blue eyes when the Russian entered that reunion with a black suit and unfolded scarf, was a hot day and even he had to wear something more fresh, he saw the Russian almost stepping away when he saw the blond with a sweaty shirt pressing his chest and wet hair and he Lithuanian could see the same look on purple eyes. Even all the hate had not corrupt each other feelings and Lithuania looked to Poland realising that he spent so many years hating him and denying for nothing.

When Stalin died Lithuania was on Russia's side while he cried and murmured "I know I will loose… but I never wanted this to be on this way… I only wanted friends.. and I am becoming weaker and weaker and tired… and I do not even can pretend to hate him…. I don't want to die…. now Stalin is death… what will happen? I looked up to him.. he lied yes? and I believed… like a weak child again… he was right.. I'm weak…. I'm pathetic…" Lithuania couldn't stop the nation from his hysterical cries and murmurs and decided to drug him, truth be told, the nation thanked him for the first time ever.

The Cold war was over with the lost of Soviet Union, Russia lost all the countries again. Lithuania finally got the chance to get things straight with Poland and they started over, he was no longer lost. He realised the fear and sorrow makes people lost and he realised that Russia's mind was filled with that thoughts, even his heart was buried in layers of pain and fear, he couldn't help being sympathetic and forgive the nation. Russia is a lost nation, a greedy cold and lost nation.

''Mr. Russia, forgive me to tell you this but… I think Mr. China is using you…." Lithuania tried to remain neutral but he could no longer see Russia lost in so many illusions, the Chinese man was the bigger one and it was only hurting every one involved, he was jealous too, since then Russia only slept with him once in a while trying to induce the pain and disgust he felt into the Lithuanian without many success.

"I am a greedy man Mr. Lithuania, not stupid. I would not be in these position if I would not had something to gain… besides is good not to be alone… now put that on my disgusting ass! You haven't learned and I am getting tired of this…" Russia said in a tired hushed tone, completely giving away that it was the end of the conversation and Lithuania comply, on truth he wanted and needed release ignoring the fact that Russia was barely hard.

The first meeting after the cold war was the most weird and tense meeting the countries ever faced, they were scared and waiting for someone to say the wrong word and the war start again but Russia never appeared on the meeting. The countries felt relieved though, and Lithuania looked at America, the sunny winning country was smiling like Russia used to do, a tight fake smile and his eyes were staring at the empty place in front of him, no one won with the war but the two countries lost much more than any other could imagine. What happened to the rough fights inside the meetings? even he was wishing to watch the tension brake and clothed tights rubbing together creating friction while punches, scratches and bites hide the barely hidden desire underneath the clothes, of course he was not the one noticing that they almost fucked each other dry, it only happened after the pure hate vanish but was enough to wish for more.

Some years had passed, everything changed and still Lithuania found himself thinking that much more needed to change. Russia was now much more calm, sad and lonely but he wouldn't give it away smiling and being polite to every one when on the truth he is broken, only when he looks at America his eyes turn softer but that doesn't last long. America returned to his cheerful and loud self but Lithuania can see the longing and hope whenever he looks to Russia. Stubborn children… They still deny themselves the change to be with the one they long, America thinks russia won't accept him and Russia thinks the same about America. Hopeless denial hidden between empty threats and slight teases. Only someone like Lithuania could read them and decode what they want truly to say.

"That is a silly idea Amerika" 'I miss you America…'

"Shut up Commie bastard! You don't understand it!" 'I want you! come back to me'

"I am no longer a communist but I understand perfectly well that your brain is filled with that crap that you eat…"

'Please… I am so alone.. but I only want you… don't fight with me any more..'

"Oh, please dude! You still want to strangle me as much as I want to kill you! and My food is awesome!"

'I also know you want me as much as I want you why do you keep fighting?'

And the arguments continues, only their eyes give away sometimes, only someone that lived with both so much time can read the despair underneath the lines, Russia is obviously desperate to be with the blond, to forget everything, to be loved and America desperate to let the other know time haven't changed his heart and desperate because he doesn't know what to do any more. And they keep pushing each other like children trying to get the attention of their favourite friend and Lithuania smiles bitterly, 'just like kids with too much power' but he ignores, is not something he can't change, if he try he may end with a pipe on his head and a blond cutting his political choices.

xxxxx

"Like, you should totally loose that thoughts! You are with me now Liet… " poland is on his side sliding up his legs a shirt, he could say that is a new thing but he knows better, he also is used to that wacky ways of his best friend.

"I know… but I can't help to think I could help them… they are so stubborn…" he gave a long sigh watching his flamboyant lover stepping to him.

"I don't get you.. like you should totally hate that man! he's done… ugrr. totally awful things to you.. to us.. like to everyone….. " he watched himself on the mirror and smiles "I think this one is totally cool what do you think liet?" he turned again to the pill of clothes choosing another one to try.

"I met him when he was little… Russia was once a very nice child and I do believe he is not totally lost… I saw that… yes he is cruel but he doesn't realise that so America could be actually the only one stopping him and putt a break to his madness… I prefer the green one.. it shows your eyes better.."

"Really the green one? I thought the blue was totally me… " he digs again on the pile of clothes and looks up to Lithuania. "I think he is lost.. and if they got really together that could like.. bring problems… but.. he would totally leave you alone for once…." he sat on the ground frowning "do you really think he only did those things because he thinks he had to?"

"Yes… he never learned another way… he can be very sweet too when he is in a good mood but he is like a lost child that doesn't know what to do and is waiting for his mum to get him again, forever… is sad… he is always afraid of being left.. we all left him and he tried bad things… I noticed… I know America also fears it so it would be a good thing if they shared it with each other… it could last centuries on my opinion…. and America could finally be the Hero he wants… "

"I don't know Liet.. like America would like, get tired of him and his psico moods…. and Russia would want to kill him because he is totally annoying…. and remember they have the most dangerous weapons.. if they fought they would not step back and would use them, like we would all like be in danger…. and they can always like, not find each other as attractive as they look together…" the polish man makes a devious smile, of course Hungary shares the feelings of their mating totally hot but he keeps hating the russian.

Here Lithuania decides to keep his mouth shut and deny the lust he still feels for the russian, truth be said their affair was the most twisted thing he ever did… he also hides that he still hurts when he thinks of the time the Polish betrayed him. He nods and decides to step closer and help his lover with the pile of clothes that both know they won't buy "You must be right…" he also hides that he is sure he is wrong.

xxxxx

"China goes to my house today da?" Russia cheerfully asks to a smiling Chinese that for some reason says yes and keeps talking with him and Canada. Near them America watches with cold eyes the Russian and calls England loudly and laughing to go out, at that Russia and him share a look of mutual hate and jealous but when they part russia excuses himself and goes to his sit and drinks vodka with a hurt look on his eyes, when Lithuania leaves the room he steps closer three nations, a french an a british fighting and America watching them with a nostalgic smile and slight sorrow.

Lithuania can tell that America knows that they are sleeping together even if England is suppose to be his boyfriend or special relation, he pities him, poor child, they are children inside and that may be the major problem, that and that England and France are perverted children too, loving and hating every single thing about each other and not even hiding it, at least England shares a guilty look with America and America seems not to even recognize it, Lithuania is sure he knows though.

"What's wrong liet?" Poland asks watching the bickering in front of them

"Uh… oh.. nothing… I just realised something…" he replies truthfully, he realised they won't be able to hide much more and his concern grows, after all he his the one that will know if something changes and he is afraid of what that change can bring but at the same time he only wishes both happiness and he is sure they would bring that to each other. The most tiring is that is perception can't be shared and he hides it.