A Drink May Help
Author's Notes: Hello guys! I have no idea where this one-shot comes from. Okay, I lied. It hit my head after I watched Ep19. I was really upset about this episode, though it's a great one. So I wrote this story as an outlet of my disturbed emotions. I'm not a native English-speaker and sorry for all the possible mistakes. You are welcomed to help me improve my English and leave comments, both positive and negative. That will make my day. Vielen Dank!
Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or any of its characters. Sigh~~ If I did, I would…well you know… a sea of Caskett moments. Haha~
Castle steps into the elevator, turning around. Their eyes are locked together for a second or so before the doors are closed. He wants nothing but to leave the precinct and her behind, his chest burning with pain, so insufferable that he's never been prepared for.
Beckett is left alone at her desk, sensing a subtle change in his air. She's confused and most of all frightened, as if she'd never see him again. Something in his eyes stabs her heart like a dagger. Those cold narrowed eyes belong to anyone but the Richard Castle she is used to and… loves. Recalling his sarcastic remarks when they interrogated their suspect earlier, she notices subconsciously it's aimed at her. It seems that he's pulling away. With a foreboding in her mind, she takes out her phone and dials his number. After what seems an eternity, it turns to the voice mail.
"Come on, Kate Beckett. He'll be fine. " She tries to regain her composure.
Exhausted and bewildered, she thinks that grabbing something to drink at the Old Haunt may not be a bad idea. No matter what on earth is going on, she's too tired to give that a thought. Though worried for Castle as hell, she's gonna sleep on it and make things right tomorrow.
Castle heads straight back to his apartment, having little idea how he comes back. Martha and Alexi greet him, seeming to have stepped a little bit out of the ordeal during the past several days shadowed by the explosion.
"Dad, you home." Alexis says, happy that her father's back, safe and sound.
He musters all his efforts left to give his daughter a kiss, "Hi, you okay?"
"Yeah, basically. But… you know…it's awful to see all those victims."
"Oh, Alexis" He attacks her with a hug, "I'm sorry you have to face that. It's just…too much for you. " He rocks her gently back and forth, caressing her back with his warm hand.
"However, I do feel I did something valuable to honor those in heaven."
"May they rest in peace." He pauses, sighing "we never know what will happen, huh? It's really cruel to have their lives, dreams, hopes and opportunities deprived in a flash. We may dream of the future that we think is gonna happen the previous second, but be broken into pieces by whatever unexpected the next…" He trails off.
Alexis pushes back her father and stares him directly in the eyes. "Dad, are you alright?"
"Fine." He says wearily, but still tries to make that statement more convincing, "Just… just a little tired. Better keep an early hour tonight. Night, pumpkin." He prints a soft kiss on her forehead and heads towards his study.
"And, mother." He stops halfway, as if having noticed Martha's half-opened mouth. "I know what you wanna say. But, really, I'm fine. Trust me."
"Okay then… night, darling." Martha feels her inside shatter as well.
Closing the door of his study behind, Castle slips down against it onto the floor. Even he himself doesn't believe in his bullshit that he's FINE. His mother must have noticed his somber moods. Running his fingers through his tousled hair, he hopes to come up with an idea about the next move. But he's got nothing. Nothing but pain, sadness and, above all, anger. He struggles, standing up and the second his body meets the bed, he is embraced immediately by a comforting weariness and falls asleep.
Beckett walks into the bar, recognized at once by the attendant. "Detective Beckett! You alone? Where's Mr. Castle?" He smiles, not stopping his job at hand.
She feels a little ill at ease, "Er… he's not available."
"Okay… so what can I get you?"
"Whatever that's strong."
After a while, the bar attendant comes back with a full glass. "Here you are, detective." The young man seems to have noticed her unusual behaviors and says tentatively, "Hey, er… I know it must have been several hard days."
She looks up from the table at which she's been staring at.
"It's all over the news." He says nervously.
"Yeah, right…"
"Take care, detective." With that, he leaves her to herself.
Castle's head is pounding with pain, when he is weakened up by the continuous buzz of his phone. "What the hell…" He curses, hoping it's not Beckett, AGAIN. It really pains him to ignore her call. Never has he done so. But he has no choice. All he wants is to keep distance with the woman he once loved and erase her from his mind. Pulling his phone out of the pocket, he feels a stone removed from his heart upon seeing the unfamiliar number.
"Castle." He picks up the phone, his voice still thick with sleep.
"Mr. Castle. This is John Oliver."
"Who?"
"The bar attendant at the Old Haunt. Remember?"
"Yeah…" The name begins ringing a bell. "What's the call for?"
"Well, I know it may be inconvenient for you. But you'd better come over and check on Detective Beckett."
"What? What's wrong with her? Is she Okay?" He asks quickly in a raised voice. The very mention of her name yanks him out of his half-conscious state. However, he cannot believe what he just asked. Really, Castle? After all that have happened, after that terrible lie, after her ignorance of your confession, you still care?
"Oh, calm down, Mr. Castle. She's fine… physically, but way too drunk."
"Drunk?"
"And we don't know what to do… other than give you a call. Can you take out a little time and come over?"
"Of course, I'll be there in a while. Keep an eye on her for me, please. "
"No problem."
"Thanks, John. Appreciate that. See you."
Castle hates to admit that he still cares. He hates to rush to her aid under such a circumstance. But here he is, in the car, hurrying like hell towards the bar. He swears to himself that this will be the last time.
Castle's pushing the door open gives the bar attendant a start. "Mr. Castle!"
Looking around, he spots Beckett bending over the table, dimly visible cheeks red from alcohol. Several empty bottles lie lazily about.
"Jeez, how much has she drunk?"
"She insisted on drinking, though I managed to persuade her not to. She seemed to be… bothered. I could see… it's not only about the explosion."
"Thank you, John." Castle says, taking off his overcoat and wrapping it around her shoulders. "We better go now." He lifts Beckett from the seat, whose limp body leans naturally against his strong and warm one, and nods a good-bye at John who smiles back, "See you around, Mr. Castle."
Originally, Castle wants to drive her back to his apartment, but dismisses the idea shortly after, thinking that he needs anything now but intimacy. So he's happy upon finding her keys in her purse.
The drive to her place is silent, he driving quietly and she half-drunk and half-sleeping. The chilly air of the night nips his upper half.
"Castle…" His name drops from her delicate lips. She hasn't opened those beautiful eyes yet. Maybe she's dreaming. But dreaming of me?
"Shh…shh. " He soothes, "Kate, you'll be fine"
Helping her cautiously up the stairs and into her apartment, he places her light body on the bed, rushes into the restroom, steeps one of her towels into the basin, and then puts it on her feverish forehead.
"Why…why…is that? Rick…" Hearing her calling him by his first name does little to help ease the pain.
"What?" He leans closer.
"Wha…t, did I…do wrong?" She stutters, drops of tears trickling down.
Castle isn't sure whether it's because of the pain in her alcohol-burnt stomach or something else.
"It's not the time…okay?" He doesn't even know whether she can hear him or not and feels like a fool talking to himself.
"I… really…really hate myself fo..for what I am…sometimes you know? Such a coward. "
"Point taken. Feel the same." He frantically wants to hold her tight in his arms and wipes away her tears, but has to remind himself that he cannot again surrender to his true feelings. That's dangerous, let alone painful.
"I always wanna… tell you… but the timing is always…always wrong… damn it!"
She pauses, slumberous eyes half way closed, "Whenever I wanna talk… you gone…but… how I want you to know…that I… lo…ve you, Rick" Her hands rise to massage her temples, trying hard to assuage the pain.
Castle's petrified with surprise. "What… what did you say? No… you don't. I should go." He is just about to leave when he feels a hand loosely on his wrist.
"Please… stay…don't leave me alone." Her voice is thick with emotions.
Castle feels a battle in his chest but sighs at last, "Fine, I'll stay."
Beckett wakes up the next morning with a lighter head and less pain. She feels disoriented for a while before memories of the previous day come back in a flood. She walks out of the bedroom, finding Castle sound asleep in the couch. She sits down in the spare space, putting her hand on his forearm.
"Rick?"
Castle stirs, sleepiness waning. "Ka…Beckett? You okay?"
The change in appellation lets her heart down. "Yeah, feel much better."
"You still remember last night?"
"Not totally. But… thank you." She lowers her head, playing about with her fingers.
"Alwa... er, it's nothing. And I should go now… since you are fine…"
"You don't come to the precinct today?"
"I…I have personal stuff to deal with. So… see you." Castle stands up, walking towards the door in a hurry.
"Wait, Castle! We need to, we must talk. Right now."
"Cannot we wait?"
"Cannot afford. What's this about? It comes so suddenly. Why you so…cold, so distant? I barely know you now, Castle."
"Don't wanna mention." He looks dull and even vacuous. "Bye, Beckett."
"Hell, Stop, Castle!"
He stands still.
"I know this is about me. But I don't even know what I broke. How can I fix it! "
He turns around, looking at her with his dolorous eyes.
"You don't know? Or… you don't remember. Which one do you prefer?" He narrows his eyes where a gleam of irony dances.
Beckett freezes.
"I heard you, Beckett. In the box. You remembered, didn't you? Every second, everything, every…word." He swallows hard.
"Rick… I…I'm really sorry."
"Don't be." He says coldly. "I'm feeling like a dunce."
"It's my fault, I know that, Rick. And I'm sorry. But I'm so scared…I…I…love you too much to face my heart. Everything about my mother's case is gone. Everyone who I… love and is closed to the case is gone. Everyone! So what am I gonna do? Tell me, Rick! Accept your love and put you in the middle of the mess? No, no way!"
Castle's expressions soften. He has never thought her lie is intended for his safety. "Kate…I…" Words fail the writer.
"Rick, listen… I love you. That's why I cannot lose you." Tears shine like stars in her beautiful eyes.
"I'm sorry, Kate. I really am." He pauses, mobilizing his courage, "I know it's not easy, but I'm willing to try. I was your plucky sidekick, remember? And I still am. But I'm tired of waiting. I want a step closer. Please, Kate, let me in." He moves closer, wiping her tears away with his thumb. "I don't care if I got shot or killed, we'll get through this…together and catch that bastard." He observes her expression carefully.
"I… I won't lie about my feelings any more. That's how far I can go now."
"That's not enough…" He cups her face with his hands. "But enough for now."
He presses his lips onto hers, pushing her towards his body.
She kisses back, smiling.
"Thank you, Rick."
"For what?"
"For loving me."
"Always."
THE END