Who What Where When How
By Hollow Nightmare
Summary: The group from the Department of Mysteries is taking a trip to Muggle London, where Luna is intent on interviewing Harry for the Quibbler. Features a hyper, random (perhaps slightly jealous?) Luna, and a bewildered Harry who has to learn to play along.
Author's Notes: Don't ask. Based on real life incidents, and modified. Please review!
Warning: Major randomness. Might be slightly OOC, and some people might not understand the humor.
Luna: Why did -
Harry: Stop asking me 'why' questions!
Luna: Okay. Hmm... How far was Voldemort to be blamed for the war?
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Harry: That's a 'why' question.
Luna: It's a 'how' question.
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Harry: I don't know the answer.
Luna: Fine. When did the Muggle First World War start?
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Harry: 1914.
Luna: End?
Harry: 19... 19. pause It's about 1918/1919! Around then! pause 1918.
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Luna: When did the Wizarding Second World War start?
Harry: 1939.
Luna: When did Dumbledore defeat Grindewald?
Harry: 1945.
Luna: When did Voldemort's war start?
Harry: 19... pause No, I don't know. 19... 60? 1970. 1965?
pause
Luna: Ha, there is no actual answer to that.
Harry: It just started, like, after the Second World War.
pause
Luna: No... Not necessarily.
Harry: So it started before the Second World War?
Luna: Kind of.
Harry: What?
Luna: Oh, I don't know.
Harry: I don't study history.
Luna: What do you mean?
Hary: You do. And I can't even remember... what happened last year.
Luna: What happened last year?
Hary: Um, I don't know...
Luna: Hmm... What were the other questions? What, why, how.
Harry: Don't do another 'why' question.
Luna: Fine, I'll do a 'what' question.
Harry: There are all kinds of questions. Are there 'can' questions?
Luna: Yes.
Harry: Brilliant.
Luna: Okay, um. pause What year was Hermione born?
pause
Harry: It was, er... yesterday. No, I know. 197... 9.
Luna: He knows! Hermione's a 1979 baby! pause Harry!
Harry: Yes?
Luna: How long are Hermione's teeth?
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Harry: I... have no idea.
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Luna: Half a meter? They're very big. pause Yes. Yes, and they just get bigger. Harry, you look very uncomfortable.
Harry: I'm not uncomfortable.
Luna: Look, you're all uncomfortable.
Harry: I'm not uncomfortable.
Luna: Is it because you're sitting next to me?
Harry: No. I got over that.
Luna: What?
Harry: I got over that.
Luna: Well, that's nice! You look very nervous. Very on edge.
Harry: Yes.
Luna: Is it because Hermione's hanging over the edge of her seat? She's very intimidating. Very scary.
Harry: No. But look - I don't have any room here.
Luna: I need to put my gum somewhere.
Harry: What? You don't make any sense.
Luna: Yes, I do. I need to put my gum somewhere.
Harry: Your gun somewhere?
Luna: No! My gum somewhere.
Harry: Oh! I get it.
Luna: What?
Harry: I get it.
Luna: Stop mumbling, Harry.
Harry: Put it in... Neville's pocket.
Luna: No!
Harry: Well, keep it in your mouth.
Luna: I don't want to keep it in my mouth.
Harry: Swallow it.
Luna: Haha. "Put it in Neville's pocket, or keep it in your mouth, or swallow it." Taken out of context? Hahaha!
Harry: Oh, just forget about it.
Luna: Am I annoying you?
pause
Harry: Yes.
Luna: So I'm annoying you?
Harry: Yes. I would say put it under the chair, but there's gum on the floor anyway. Put the gum with all the other gum.
Luna: Am I annoying you?
pause
Harry: No?
Luna: Am I?
Harry: No.
Luna: You have very girly eyelashes.
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Harry: Yes.
Luna: Oh, my gum! Where is it? Oh, it's on the floor now. Great.
pause
Harry: What?
Luna: Am I annoying?
Harry: No.
Luna: Am I annoying?
Harry: No.
Luna: Am I?
Harry: No.
Luna: Am I annoying?
Harry: No...
pause
Luna: This is what Hermione feels like at the end of the day.
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Harry: What does she feel like?
Luna: Very annoyed...
Harry: Why?
Luna: Very on edge... and... very nervous.
Harry: Why?
Luna: Because. When I'm tired, I just talk... crap. pause Like I'm doing now.
pause
Harry: I know.
Luna: When I'm tired, I talk so much crap.
Harry: You should just sleep.
Luna: I don't want to sleep! I need to pee!
Harry: That's... great.
pause
Luna: Harry! What are your thoughts on the political movement in the Ministry of Magic in Saudi Arabia?
Harry: Honestly, I don't care.
Luna: I don't even know what I'm asking.
Harry: I don't even care. I don't think there is a political movement in the Ministry of Magic in Saudi Arabia.
Luna: How do you feel about... Tahiti?
pause
Harry: I don't care. I don't feel. pause Anything.
Luna: So you're emotionless?
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Harry: No. I just don't...
Luna: So you're dumb?
Harry: ...feel anything...
Luna: So you're stupid?
Harry: ...about...
Luna: So you're tired?
Harry: ...Tahiti.
Luna: Okay, fine! How do you feel about England?
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Harry: I don't know.
Luna: Think about it, then.
Harry: It's a very nice place. pause Yes. Otherwise, I'm not bothered.
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Luna: How do you feel about Hermione?
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Harry: I don't know.
Luna: How do you feel about Neville?
Harry: I don't know, either.
Luna: Think about it.
pause
Harry: He makes me feel... very...
Luna: Religious.
Harry: Religious? Why would he make me feel religious?
pause
Luna: Why not?
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Harry: I'm emotionless.
Luna: Oh, look at that fatty over there!
Harry: There are no people there.
Luna: Yeees... A man. With a... shopping bag.
Harry: Oh, yeah.
Luna: Great, I lost fifteen galleons. Did I lose fifteen galleons today?
Harry: What?
Luna: Oh, no...
pause
Harry: Okay.
Luna: Oo, look, my shirt stretches all the way down here!
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Harry: Er, "oo"... Isn't that... useful.
Luna: What did I do with those fifteen galleons?
Harry: You spent it.
Luna: What did I spend it on?
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Harry: Muggle lollipops.
Luna: I only bought... I don't know. What did I do with them?
Harry: You... er... I don't know. Lost them.
Luna: Hmm. Harry, how do you feel about the problems in the Ministry?
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Harry: They're very bad.
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Luna: What do you think about mental illness?
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Harry: I think it is rising. In Hogwarts.
Luna: Like sebbovs.
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Harry: Er, yes.
Luna: Why?
Harry: Because they're... round. pause And soft?
Luna: Do you have any animals?
Harry: Yes.
Luna: What?
Harry: An owl?
Luna: What is its name?
pause
Harry: Hedwig.
Luna: Dead wig?
Harry: No, Hedwig. My cousin hates it. My cousin's annoying.
Luna: Well, at least it's not like our sebbov, who has no name.
Harry: Your... er, sebbov... doesn't have a name?
Luna: No.
Harry: Oh.
pause
Luna: What is your cousin like?
Harry: He's very annoying.
Luna: Why?
Harry: He... just... is?
Luna: Okay. Hmm. So. We're going to dig to China now.
Harry: I see. Do you always dig to China?
Luna: No, usually Australia, because it's on the other side of the world.
Harry: Not from America.
Luna: I've always heard it's Australia!
Harry: That's because you're Luna. You're weird.
Luna: Not true. Oo, Hermione's mane has calmed down. So, am I annoying?
Harry: How could I explain this? You're not annoying.
Luna: Yes, I am.
Harry: Not right now.
Luna: Good. So, Harry. Did you like the Middle Ages?
Harry: Erm... yes.
Luna: Have you ever had a girlfriend?
Harry: Er, sort of. Cho.
Luna: You went out with Cho?! When was this?
Harry: A while ago.
Luna: When was this?!
Harry: It wasn't even really going out.
Luna: When was this?!
pause
Harry: A few months ago. I don't like her now. She's annoying.
Luna: Like me.
Harry: No, you're a different annoying.
Luna: How?
Harry: I don't know. You're annoying in a different way.
Luna: Ah, okay. pause Should I be sitting like this?
Harry: No, people can look up your skirt.
Luna: Are they?
Harry: No, they're looking the other way.
Luna: Ah. Well. pause What is Harry's favorite ice cream?
Harry: I don't know. Um... I don't know.
Luna: Do you know anything?
Harry: I, well... No, I don't know anything.
Luna: Yeees... Hmm, what else can I ask you? Who was your last boyfriend - apart from Gred and Forge?
Harry: I never had any.
Luna: Aw... Which boy do you fancy now - apart from Gred and Forge?
Harry: None.
Luna: Fine. Which girl do you fancy now - apart from Gred and Forge?
Harry: I don't know.
Luna: Hermione doesn't count.
Harry: I don't know.
Luna: Do you know anything?!
Harry: Not really.
Luna: Hmm, actually, Hermione's not a girl. Hermione's like a lion, so she definitely doesn't count. pause Stop fiddling with the McDonawho's ketchup!
Harry: Can I not do anything? And it's McDonald's, by the way.
Luna: No, you can't do anything. Just sit there and smile. Or something.
Harry: I could be emotionless.
Luna: Okay, if I can do one thing to you. Come here.
Harry: No.
Luna: Come here. pause Aw, he doesn't like it. I do this to my sebbov and it's like, "Stop! Stop! No!"
Harry: This place is nearly empty.
Luna: Yes, and those are the leftover hamburgers. What do the Muggles do with them?
Harry: They mash them up and put them back together again. Like Humpty Dumpty.
Luna: Humpty who? Oo, Hermione's mane is escaping.
Harry: That's why I don't like McDonald's.
Luna: Because Hermione's mane is escaping?
Harry: No, because the food is bad. Once we get on the Knight Bus I'll get food. If we get out early.
Luna: Hmm. Oo, why d they get something?!
Harry: I don't know. Did they get something?
Luna: Yes! Why?
Harry: I don't know.
Luna: How come the McMuggles didn't give us anything?
Harry: Because they don't like you. Did the other people get something?
Luna: Yes! Oh. No.
Harry: They didn't get anything?
Luna: No. How come they paid Muggle money?
Harry: Maybe they're dealing something...
Luna: Great. Like what?
Harry: Fries?
Luna: Great. Nicotine in the form of fries.
Harry: Why did you steal my ketchup?
Luna: Because. pause Did you know you have to pay for ketchup packets in some places? People collect them to avoid paying next time.
Harry: Oh, Neville does that. I don't know why, seeing as you don't have to pay for them here - Luna, what are you doing? You're going to break it! Oo, we're both fiddling with the ketchup packets. Look at us, we're like obsessed - hey! You put that in my bag and you're dead. Okay, Luna?
Luna: Okay.
Harry: Luna, stop fiddling with the ketchup packet!
pause
Luna: But it's soft.
Harry: Yes, and squishy. You're such a weirdo.
Luna: You can keep it.
Harry: For the bus journey?
Luna: We could make good use of it. Put it in your bag.
Harry: No. pause That's not working...
Luna: Can I open it?
Harry: No...
Luna: When are the others getting back?
Harry: What?
Luna: When are the others getting back?
Harry: I dunno. But we can finish this interview tomorrow, okay?
Luna: Oh, God... Fine, if you stop fiddling with the ketchup. No! Don't do that, it'll squirt everywhere! Don't get that on me. Don't! You'll -
pause
Harry: Oops?