A not so Perfect Grand Finale
by Rufus J Shinra
Hi Rufus J Shinra here! It's the end of Not so Perfect......(sniff) Well this will be the last one. It will be ultimently the funniest one I'm sure. But first I would like to thank everyone who has read the series. And a BIG thank you to my greatest supporters and best friends of fanfic.net, Marco Leonstrife, Xyra, Jenova, Rinoa Sanchez, Hounds of War and ScaRR and all the people who reviewed as well. I wish I could name you all!
I'm going to cram all the ideas I had all into one. As revealed last time Kefka isn't in charge of that little group. Well I wonder who it is? Well it's been a nice series starting out with Cloud and Tifa trying for the perfect time off to Kefka and his evil plots. Go to the bathroom so you won't pee in your pants......HERE WE GO!!!!!!
-Rufus J Shinra-Author
(Evil villan inc. HQ)
???: So what is your new plan?
Kefka: .......I don't have one.
???: Then I shall destroy them myself. I the main charachter from FFMQ shall destroy...(The shadow goes away to reveal HERO from Final Fantasy MQ)
Kefka: Yes master.
Hero: Yes....they thought they would be fully rid of Squares Final Fantasy failure.....nope. I still live.
Kefka: Yes! I'll send for Garland and Ex-Death!
Hero: Do as you will....I have a new weapon. The Atariizer! It turns 3D charchters into Atari graphics!
Kefka: YES! TO THE other FF WORLDS!!!!! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!
(FF9 world)
Kuja: Who's there?
Hero: I am HERO from Final Fantasy Mystic Quest. You with the CG graphics shall be Atarized!
Kuja: OH CRAP! (Get's hit by the beam and turns into two pong paddels and a ball)
Hero: Wahahhahahahahahha!!!!! BRING ON THE PAIN!!!!!!!!
Kuja: (Knocks the ball side to side)
Vivi: What happened to Kuja? AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! (Turns into a Space invaders game)
Hero: Hahhahahahahahhahahahahhahaha!!!!! NOW YOU KNOW WHAT'S LIKE BEING 2D! ALL YOUR FANCY SHMANSY PIXLES ARE GONE!
Vivi: (Cries)
(Shinra building)
T.V: In other news the FF9 world has been attacked. All of the charachters have become 2D atari arcade graphics. We go live to Zidane's house where he has Pac-Man graphics!
Rufus: Huh?
Zidane: Beep,Beep,Beep (Translation from Atari sounds): T-they shot me with that 2D ray and now I'm smaller and only ONE DAMN PIXEL! SUPER MARIO HAD BETTER GRAPHICS!
Rufus: Good god.....
(Balamb Garden)
Seifer: Watching T.V.) God how terrible...(Knock at the door) Who the hell it?
Voice: Housekeeping.
Seifer: Come back in an hour!
Voice: No.
Seifer: What kind of a country is this? (Opens the door and Kefka and co. and Hero are standing there.)
Voice: Hmmmm.....I'll make you Super Mario!
Seifer: NNOOOOO!!!!! (Turns into a mario-like Seifer only 11 inches tall) (Jumps around)
Hero: MAhwhahahhahahahahahahhahaha! (Sips martini) Mwhahahahahahhahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
***********************************************************************
(FF6 world)
Terra: Better check the mail.
Letter: Dear FF6 charachters. I'm going to Atari-ize you all!
Luv,
Hero
Terra: ???
Hero: Hwahhahahahahaha!!!!! Time to-(Get's knocked away by Kefka)
Kefka: Just a sec boss. Terra you are gonna get a special treatment!
Terra: Hmmmm?
Kefka: Let's take her to the fortress and use her as a- (Hero zaps Terra turning her into a 1 pixled being)
Hero: Naw......Let's not.
(Cloud's house)
Cloud: What do you mean the atari-rizer.
Zidane: (Makes crappy Atari sounds) (Translation) THE MAIN CHARACHTER FROM MQ HAS TURNED US ALL INTO ATARI 2600 GRAPHICS!
Cloud: So.....Kefka was just a pawn. I thought Hero was declared an enemy of RPG's and was cast into exile by Squaresoft.
Rufus: (Jumps through the window) Actually reports state he escaped.
Cloud: Quit ruining my house.
Rufus: This is a crisis! I've sent the Shinra army in! The SOLIDERS will make short work of Hero and Kefka...(Explosion) What was that? (All the SOLDIERS are little pixled guys) OH CRAP WERE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!
Cloud: Now we need to think this out in a civilized manner and-
Rufus: EVERY FF7 CHARACHTER FOR HIMSELF!!!!! WON'T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE SHINRA!!!!!
Cloud: As I was saying.....
Rufus: HELP! I'M GONNA BE ATARIZED!!!!!!!! (Runs into a wall)
Cloud: Idiot
(Hero's HQ)
Hero: I was wondering. In several cases before the christmas special Ex-Death was against you Kefka? How did you get him to join our cause.
Kefka: I gave him some peppermint candy. Oh and in second in command of evil insane dudes inc. I think we need a new villan mobile.
Hero: Indeed. The crushinator 2000.
Kefka B-but the Mazda.......(Sniffs)
Hero: Silence! I want to win this time! But by doing this it will cut our Birthday fund.....SO YOU ALL WILL HAVE PRETEND BIRTHDAYS!!!!!!
Garland&Ex-Death: YAY! PRETEND BIRTHDAYS!!!!!!!!
Garland: (Starts wiggiling his hips in the air) I GOT A HULA-HOOP!
Ex-Death: (Starts running around the room) I got a train! CHOO-CHOO!!! CHUGGA-CHUGGA CHOO CHOOO!!!!!!!!!1
Hero: Enough.
Gilgamish: I got a toy puppy! (Holds up a stuffed animal)
Kefka: Oh no you don't......(Pulls out a gun and blows it to bits)
Gilgamish: MEANIE!
Kefka: Shut up! I out-rank you.
Gilgamish: Mr. Shrouded in darkness boss man, Kefka's being a Janet Reno.
Kefka: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME? (Starts up a chainsaw)
Gilgamish: (In high voice) Nothing.
Garland: Now let's go turn them into measealy 8-bit graphics! Mwahahaahhahahahahahhahahaha!!!!!!
Hero: Next time you steal my line I'll make you look like Ryu from Ninja gaiden.....THE NES VERSION!
Garland: I'll be good.
[FF7 world]
Rufus: People! We must protect our homeland!
Cloud: Shut up Rufus.
Tifa: We'll just have to think a plan. (Gives Zack a cookie)
Zack: Coo.
Everyone: What a cute sound.....
Rufus: HEY PAY ATTENTION TO ME! COME ON I GOT A.D.D!!!!!! I'M ON RIDDILAN! Oops....I didn't take it today. (Turns cross-eyed and drools)
Cloud: Hahahahahhahahahhha!!!!!
Reno: He'll be like that for awhile.
Tifa: So what are we doing to solve this problem.
Reno: We have to find a way to make them 3d again.
Rufus: (Looks into the sun with his crossed eyes) BRIGHT LIGHT! BRIGHT LIGHT!
Cloud: Give him his riddilan. (Reno pops 3000 or so pills in Rufus's mouth)
Rufus: (HP&MP and sanity restored)
Cloud: Maybe we can go to 1400 Gangsta ave.
Tifa: Who lives there.
Cloud: Barret and Kain.
(Barret and Kain's house)
Tifa: (Rings the doorbell and Kain jumps out in full Kelver bullet- proof armor and a rocket launcher)
Kain: No one's turning me into an Atari freak!
Barret: Relax foo. It's just Tifa.
Kain: Oh. (Takes his full face covering helmet on and reappears in his Dragoon armor) Oh welcome to our crib.
Tifa: Crib?
Kain: Nothing!
Reno: (Runs up) Kefka's master is in the Shinra building! They have a new villan mobile!
Kain: Uh-oh.
(Shinra building)
Kefka: Hmmmm.....What does this button do on the Crushinator 2000? (All the missles in the giant Tank-like veichle blows up the lobby) Sweet.
Hero: Wahahahhahahahaha!!!!!!!!!! I'm turning you all into little Pac-SOLIDERS. (Shoots the Ataizer at the Shinra troops turning them into little pac-mans)
(70th floor)
Voice: Preparing for lock down of 70th floor.
Rufus: Whew. You hear that Darknation we are safe. Darknation? Darknation? DARKNATION? (Darknation is a 2d 12 pixel panther) NNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY GOD WHY? (Crushinator 2000 drives in and Hero jumps out of the back)
Hero: I have you now.
Rufus: Hero? But in MQ you saved the world from darkness! Why are you like this?
Kefka: Hey! How do you know about that?
Rufus: No reason. (Stuffs FFMQ cartraige into his desk along with his Blues clues and Teletubbies tapes)
Hero: Enough talk. FEEL ETERNAL 2D-NESS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rufus: NEVER! (Jumps out the window)
Hero: He got away.
Rufus: AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! (Lands in Don Corneo's mansion) GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Cloud's house)
Cloud: I have decided that we are to attack at once!
Tifa: Let's go!
Rufus: Hold it. (Comes in)
Cloud: What is it now?
Rufus: Perhaps there is a cure for 2D.....
Cloud: Nope. Checked.
Rufus: Aw crap WE ARE SCREWED!
Cloud: Yup.
Rufus: Then I shal slowly accept 2D.......(Walks off and trips)
Cloud: Watch the porch it's icy. (Rufus is twisted everywhere)
Rufus: Pain.......NO I'M BRAVE! BRING ON THE-AHHHHHH!!!!!!!! (Slips on the porch again) HOW THE HELL IS IT ICY IN COSTA-DEL-SOL?
Author: Ha,ha,ha,ha,ha...........
Rufus: (Get's up and back cracks) Dammit! Can someone give me some crutches? (Tifa hands him some) Thanks.
Cloud: Weirdo.
(Evil villan inc. HQ)
Hero: Hmmmm....I have Boardwalk and Parksplace AND I passed GO.
Kefka: I hate this game.
Hero: I will ask one last time before I destroy you. PAY ME RENT!!!!!!!
Kefka: (Mumbles and hands over Monopoly money)
Hero: Ha! YOU ARE BANKRUPT!
(Ceciels house)
Ceciel: Wow. That's pretty heavy.
Rufus: Indeed. We may have found a cure to 2D.
Ceciel: But I was born 2D already.
Rufus: Silence Palidin! As I was saying mixing in a potion, hi potion and another substance will cure it.
Ceciel: And that Substance is?
Rufus: Cloud's hair gel. (gulps) (Ceciel falls back)
Ceciel: Is that possible?
Rufus: Well let's find out!
(Cloud's bedroom)
Rufus: (In a black ninja outfit) Now where's that Gel.
Cloud: ZZZzzzzzzz.....Must.....stop.....Hero.
Rufus: Got it! (Holds up a GIANT tub of La Bella)
Cloud: ZZZZZZZZZ.......... Must.....destroy.....I Love Lucy.....evil...EVIL! (Snores)
Rufus: (Climbs out)
Tifa: Cloud wake up.
Cloud: (Pouts) I don't wanna!
(Shinra building)
Rufus: Awliright.....hey where's the hair gel? (Hero is standing on a pillar holding it)
Hero: Looking for this? Wahahahahhahaha!!!! (Falls of the pillar)
Rufus: Hahahahahahhaha!!!!! Wait did I take my ridillan again? (Turns cross eyed and drools again...this time with his tounge hanging out)
Hero: Ha! I have the last laugh now! Now you will never have the cure for 2D! (Tosses it on the floor and it spills everywhere) Hahahahahhahahha........(slips on the Gel and falls out the window) AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Rufus: Gooooooooooooooo!!!!! HE MAKE A FUNNY! HEE! HEE! (Pupils widen) WOOOO!!!! PRETTY COLORS!
Reeve: Sir are you halluscinating?
Rufus: ??? (Sees Reeve)
Reeve: (Authors note: the means that Rufus hears Reeve talking that way.) Sir....blah,blah,blah,blah Your Healblah,Blah,Blah
Rufus: Can't hear you 'thilly!!! Hee! Hee!
(Cloud's house)
Cloud: Are we ready to attack evil villan inc?
Kain: I guess.
Cloud: Then let's go! To the Highwind!
(Aeris & Sephy's house)
Sephiroth: But honey I can't clean the bathroom! I gotta stop Hero!
Aeris: Then don't get hurt! OR ELSE YOU WILL BE GROUNDED!
Sephiroth: Yes Ma'am.
(Evil villan inc. HQ)
Hero: Ah.....so Cloud Strife intends to beat me at my own game! Deploy the Villan mobile! Garland,Gilgamish and Ex-Death will drive, Kefka you stay with me!
Kefka: Okay.
Garland: (Draws sword) TO THE CRUSHINATOR 2000!!!!!
Ex-Death: I'm goin,I'm goin!
(Outside the HQ)
Rufus: (Is back to normal) Sephiroth you came!
Hojo: So your back in the group?
Sephiroth: Yeah. But Aeris said that I have to save the world by 9:00 P.M. or I'm on restriction.
Hojo: Let's just do this fast! Springer is going to be on soon!
Sephiroth: Mommy! Help us in battle!
Jenova: Here I am!
Lucretia: Here I am!
Sephiroth: Which mommy should I choose?
Jenova: ME!
Lucretia: M-(Jenova whacks her off in the distance)
(Highwind lands)
Rufus: Ah here they are! (Swallows several Riddilan pills)
Cloud: So you villans are helping us?
Hojo: Hey. I don't wanna be 3D-ized.
Cid: (Is wearing a bandanna that says: IN LOVING MEMORY OF POLLY THE *&)(^ PARROT) COME ON LET'S KILL EM!
Tifa: This is the end. After this Hero's empire will be over......
Kain: Hold it FF7 charachters! Let us SNES FF charachters help too!
Barret: (High fives Kain) G-DOG! Kain afta dis we gonna play with my Mr. T action set!
Rufus: Hey can I bring over my Dictator action set?
Barret: Sure. Let's go kick some ass!
(The Crushinator 2000)
Garland: (Headbanging to Heavy Metal music)
Ex-Death: Missles are ready. Hey Gilgamish how are you doing in the back of the truck.
Gilgamish: (Has a chain gun) Great! LET'S GO!!!!!!! (Fires at AVALANCHE)
Cloud: CRAP! (Jumps out of the way and bullets bounce off Palmer and head straight towards them)
Palmer: Hey-hey!
Garland: Incoming!!!!!!!! (Get's out of the Crushinator 2000)
Ex-Death: WAIT FOR ME!!!!! (Jumps out)
Gilgamish: Wait! Who's driving? (The Crushinator 2000 falls of the cliff and into the lava below) AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (Latches onto the cliff as the Crushinator 2000 melts)
Cloud: Give up?
Garland,Ex-Death and Gilgamish: WE SURRENDER!!!!!!! (The cliff cracks and they all fall into the lava)
Barret: Kewl.
(Hero's throne room)
Hero: TAKE THIS! (Turns Rosa into small little pixled Rosa) Hwahahahahahhaha!!!!!! I am invincable!
Kefka: (Ceciel charges towards him) EAT PEPTO-BISMAL!!!!!!!! (Throws it at Ceciel)
Ceciel: (Peto-bismal scalds his face) YAAAARRRGH!!!!!!
Kefka: Wahahahhaahahhahhha!!!!!!!!
Hero: Yes! Hahaahhahaha!!!! DIE LOCKE YOU THIEF!
Locke: Dammit! I'm a treasure Hunt-AHHHH!!!!! (Turns into a small pixled Locke like Rosa)
Hero: Hahahhahahahahhhaha!!!!!!!
Kefka: (Picks up a snowmobile and throws it at Rydia) FUN HEEE HEEE!!!!
Edge: (Jumps in front of Rydia) I'll save you my precious-(Snowmobile sends him out the fortress window with Rydia)
Rydia: YOU STUPID NINJA!!!!!!!!!
Kefka: Well look who's here. Rufus,Sephiroth,Hojo and AVALANCHE.
Rufus: This is the end. (Jumps away from a 2D beam shot by Hero)
Hero: Crap missed-hey! (Edge comes back up and throws a shurikan at the Atarizer destroying it) NNNOOOO!!!! WELL I HAVE MORE STUFF UP MY SLEEVE! (Shoots a bolt of electricity at Edge sending him back out the window slamming into Rydia as she's trying to climb back up)
Rydia: YARRRRGH!!!!
Kefka: Now Sephiroth if you don't eat this kitten I will....FORCE YOU TO DRINK PEPTO-BISMAL AND LISTEN TO BARBRA STREISAND!!!!
Sephiroth: NO ANYTHING BUT THAT! (Swallows the kitten and makes a face)
Sephiroth: Youre gonna pay.....Fire....999999999999999999999 to the MC=2 to the fifth power divided by 7....
Cloud: Just cast the damn spell!!!!!!
Sephiroth: YAH!!!! (Casts a gaint Bolt spell)
Kefka: (Steps out of the way and the spell hits Edge)
Rydia: Oh no you don't........(Ducks as Edge falls)
Edge: This is not my day....
Tifa: (Throws Zack at Kefka. Zack bites Kefka's crotch but nothing happenes) WHAT?
Kefka: Wahhahahahhaha!!!! I'M WEARING A CUP! (Zack crawls off)
Hero: Now Cloud Strife you shall be destroyed.....
Sephiroth: (Reaches down and pulls out the kitten)
Hero: (Draws sword and attacks Cloud)
Rufus: Wait Hero! You fight me! (Swallows Riddilan) Let's go!
Hero: But you only have 500 HP. (Rufus stuffs his Trenchcoat with about a million HP plus Materias)
Rufus: I have you-(The Materia's fall out) Oh crap! (A beam strikes him) YAARRRRGHHHHH!!!!!!
Hero: Who's next? (Sephiroth and Hojo point at each other)
Cloud: Hero! Prepare to die! (Hero trips him)
Tifa: (Tosses Hero) I GOT YOU!
Hero: (picks up an old person and throws it at Tifa) PLAY WITH HIM FOR AWHILE.
Old man: Now miss Lockhear back in '42 we.....
Tifa: (Screams)
Hojo: Hey that's cruel and unusual.......(Throws Sephiroth outside and Sephiroth lands on a car setting the alarm off)
Hero: Now face the terror on the land!
All: What?
Hero: FFMQ-remake for Playstation2!!!!!!!
All: NOOOOO!!!!!! (Hero holds up the CD) Come Kefka let's take them.
Cid: Hey I was taking a whiz. Anything I miss?
Kefka: H-hey wait.....I never agreed to MQ on Playstation2. And where's Garland and Ex-death?
Hero: Those pitiful fools died. Come on quit being such a Sega Saturn!
Kefka: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME? (Looks at Hero)
Hero: Are you just going to stand there and undress me with your eyes? Or are you going to do somthing.
Kefka: (Sniffs) My cronies are dead....BOTH villan mobiles were destroyed.....You cheated in Monopoly....BUT CALLING ME A SEGA SATURN CROSSED THE LINE. I HATE YOU-YOU...... *&&%*&%*%^*(^$#*&#&*&#*#*(^A$#(**&#^$A*&$A*#^#A^$#*!()(*&*&%(*(^(^P)&(*^*&#(*(*&#($)*$)*)()($**($&&@(*(*&#))&#(&#)#&*(&*)($*&)(^(^&*$(()@)@*&(#^))$^)^($($^$()($)^#)(##^)(#^)(#*^#(*^#(#&*#_(_&*(&*())*#^*)#(*^^#)^(^*(#)^#^#(*^(*(*^#)^(#^#^#^#(^(#^(#^(*^(*#)^(*#^)#^)(#^*#^)(*#)^#^)(#*_&(*(^_@(&^@)(^@^)(_*#_&*($#^*#_)(*^#^^*$^^$^^&$$&*$(
Cid: Woah. I never would have gone that far.
Hero: Hey let's talk this over with a nice cup of coffee.....(Kefka picks Hero up and hangs him over the lava) WAIT! I'LL GIVE YOU MONEY! POWER! WOMEN!....MEN?
Kefka: Enough! I can't stand you anymore! (Throws Hero into the lava)
Hero: WAIT! THIS IS VIOLATING YOU CONTACCCCTTTTTT!!!!!! WAIT WHAT ABOUT EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH? (Falls closer towards the lava) TEN WEEKS VACATION? (Falls into the lava) I HATE YOU PECKER-HEAD!!!!!!!
Kefka: I-I.....defeated him.
Hero: I'm on fire! I'll never see my Telletubbie tapes again!!!!
Kefka: I always......
Hero: NOOOO!!!!! CRUEL FATE!
Kefka: Shut up! (Shoots him and Hero sinks into the lava)
Rufus: Give us the hair gel, Kefka and we can cure everyone.
Kefka: Here. (Throws them the Gel) But Garland,Ex-Death,Gilgamish....
RJS: (A Rufus look alike only with blue hair and a black trenchcoat stands in the corner) Hi it's me the author!
Kefka: So?
RJS: The fanfic audiance feels sorry for you Kefka. So I brought your friends back.
Kefka: YAY!!!!! (runs off)
RJS: Alright people's! Back to work on making the website with Xyra!
Cloud: Xyra? Your making a website with him?
RJS: Yup. Gonna post my fanfics there. Oh and kids....Eat your beans!
Tifa: RufusJShinra.....I brought you your Carmael Frappachino.
RJS: (Drinks it and throws the empty bottle at a bad reviewer) Now that the series has ended....I need to start a new Humor series.
Cloud: Plus you have to finish SHinra vs. Nike.
RJS: C'mon let's get out of here before this Turns into a ramble. We got FF charachters to turn back into 3D!
Cloud: Yes sir!
THE END
RJS: It's over....Okay so maybe this one wasn't as funny as some other one's but I think it was. Hero' gone. Kefka had a happy ending. What else do you want? (Cloud wispers in my ear) What do you mean we have 20 minuites left? Oh.....I left the oven on.....(Climbs into his Hum-Vee and drives off with All the other charachters)
Rude: Hey! I was in Thati for the whole series! Did I miss anything? (Sees the empty stage) Aw crap.
Vincent: My sweet Lucretia....
Rude: SHUT UP!
THE REAL END