A/N: Hello, my wonderful readers. I love you all, as always. Welcome to my new multi-chaptered project.

This is part of Artie's It's a Wonderful Life AU from episode 4x10, the fantastic Dalton Academy companion. The plot is going to be something like... getting Artie's shitty au back on track to real life, I guess, where everyone is friends.
Pairings: Seblaine, Niff, Hunter/Rachel (maybe), minor other things that I'm not even going to mention because it doesn't matter.

In the meantime, you read this, because I'm going to write some more chapters and it's gonna be AWESOME. Also, I've written in a few this-is-what's-happening-cuz-it's-an-alternate-reality things that explain what's going on at Dalton.

It's a Shittacular Life

"It's a sucky life and just when you think it can't suck any more it does."
-Phoebe Buffay, Friends Episode 2x20

Chapter One:
Who's Blaine?

"Kurt, didn't you graduate?" Artie asked.

"I should've, but I couldn't bear coming to school more than twice a week because of all the bullying. All the homeschooling set me back a year," Kurt explained.

"What does Blaine say about that?" Artie asked.

"Who's Blaine?"

Blaine's head snapped up.

"Did someone say something?" he asked.

"Are you feeling alright?" Sebastian asked.

"Thought someone said my name," Blaine shrugged and returned to his textbook.

"Is something bothering you, babe?" Sebastian asked. "Studying is so unlike you."

"Sometimes I just feel like something's missing from my life," Blaine sighed, slamming his psychology book shut. "Like I was supposed to do something else."

"Is this your sideways way of telling me you want to break up?" Sebastian asked.

"Don't be stupid," Blaine replied. "Just this psyche class messing with my head."

"Do we need to call an impromptu Warbler concert?" Sebastian asked.

"Not right now," Blaine said. "I need to get this worksheet done before my Christmas thing tonight."

"Do you want some help?" Sebastian asked.

"No, I'm fine," Blaine snapped. Then he sighed. "Sorry, baby. I love you."

"I love you too," Sebastian said. His phone buzzed on the table. "It's Jeff. He wants me to help him cook for tonight's party. Cookies or something. Do I look like I know how to cook?"

"Go ahead," Blaine grunted.

"I can't cook!" Sebastian insisted.

"Jeff will teach you. You'll both get covered in flour, then it'll get all awkward when Nick comes in to get a snack and maybe you'll bang their heads together and shout, 'For the love of all that is good and holy, stop fighting and get back together!'" Blaine said absently. "Or something to that general effect, I don't know, I haven't given it a lot of thought." He dotted the last period onto his homework and slammed his textbook shut again, then sighed. "I'm so not looking forward to this Christmas thing."

"Why not?"

"I just know my partner this year won't be very good," Blaine sighed. "As always, you would be a hell of a lot better." He smiled at Sebastian, who laughed a smirk back.

"Too bad they'd never let us sing together," he said.

"Maybe someday," Blaine said. "Outside of Ohio there are places that are tolerant of alternative cultures."

"Right," Sebastian laughed sarcastically. "There's really a place where two men singing a duet of Baby It's Cold Outside is really acceptable."

"I'm not doing Baby It's Cold Outside this year," Blaine said.

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I'm doing some song called Extraordinary Merry Christmas," Blaine continued. "I think it's an upgrade? I'm not sure."

"Never heard of it," Sebastian said.

"It's pretty upbeat and it has a good dance element, I guess," Blaine shrugged. "Apparently my old partner was too tall for me, and they found me someone shorter."

"Too tall for you?" Sebastian laughed. "How tall was she, 7-foot-3?"

"I don't know," Blaine said. He checked his watch. "I have to be at sound check in an hour. I better get going. How do I look?"

"Dapper. Dashing. Debonair."

"Perfect."

"Blaine! Blaine! Finally, you're here. Sound check started five minutes ago, where have you been?"

"Traffic! I'm sorry, really," Blaine apologized, running into the room, straightening his tie. "I'm ready to go, I warmed up on the way. Show me my partner and we will rock the night away."

"Blaine, this is Rachel. Rachel, Blaine."

Blaine looked at her. She was shorter than him, even in her heels. She had dark brown hair, glasses, and was wearing a blue polka dotted dress. And even though he'd never seen her before in his life, she seemed familiar.

"Hi, Rachel, it's nice to meet you."

"Likewise," Rachel replied. She looked nervous. Really nervous. But that wasn't right. Rachel Berry didn't get stage fright. What?

"What are you nervous for?" Blaine asked, smiling. She looked even more alarmed at that. "I'm sure you're a rock star."

"No, no," Rachel said quickly. "I've never even had a solo before, I still can't believe they chose me to sing with you."

"What, like I'm famous or something?" Blaine asked.

"You're Blaine Anderson, lead singer of the Dalton Academy Warblers," Rachel said. "I follow show choirs exclusively in my spare time. You're National Champions."

"Oh, um, yeah, I guess we are," Blaine admitted. "I'm sure you're very talented, have you ever been in a production?"

"I was in the chorus of the Music Man," Rachel said.

"You'll do great," Blaine said, smiling.

"I don't know how to cook!" Sebastian practically yelled. "Get it through your damn thick skull." He sat down on the stepstool next to the island in the senior's kitchen.

"I will teach you if you stop being so goddamn difficult," Jeff said through gritted teeth. "Don't you want to impress Blaine someday?"

"I plan on having a 24 hour chef on hand to do that sort of thing," Sebastian scoffed. "It's one of the many perks of being obscenely wealthy, not that you would know anything about that."

"Sebastian, honestly," Hunter interjected, rolling his eyes. "Not everything is about money." (Playing with the idea of things being different in Artie's It's a Shittacular Life fantasy dream sequence, I have created this story for Hunter: Upon learning that the Warblers were the number one show choir in the country, Hunter had begged his parents to let him transfer. Being the kind, compassionate, totally-cool-with-whatever-Hunter-wants-to-do-with-his-life-even-being-gay-even-though-I'm-not-really-sure-what-he-is-yet type of people they are in this fantasy, Mr. and Mrs. Clarington paid for Hunter to move to Ohio from Colorado Springs to join the top-rated Warblers. But Blaine was Captain, and that wasn't changing. Even though I'm not really sure how Artie not being in a wheelchair and not causing the start of a Glee Club at McKinley High would influence anything at all to do with Hunter besides him not getting a scholarship to take the totally awesome (and most importantly drug-free) Warblers to number one, since they are three-time National champions. At least. Artie's wheelchair probably affected Vocal Adrenaline in some way too. That whole butterfly thing.)

"Don't be jealous because I can buy and sell your entire family eight times before dessert," Sebastian snipped. "And still make a profit, I assure you."

"Cookies are really easy," Jeff intervened. "I already have the dough, so essentially, you roll it out and use the cutters to make delightful Christmas shapes, then we lay them on the pan, and shove them in the oven for like 10 minutes and according to my recipe they should be done. We also have sprinkles if you like."

"I prefer chocolate chip," Sebastian said.

"Too bad," Jeff replied. "Why can't you just be normal?"

"Why can't you and Nick just admit you want to be with each other?" Sebastian replied. Nick looked up from the corner where he was fiddling with the oven.

"Um…" Nick said, casting an eye in Jeff's direction, but not quite meeting Jeff's gaze. (Because Artie's Shittacular Life seems to affect things that make no sense whatsoever, if Kurt never came to Dalton, then Nick and Jeff wouldn't have gotten together during the Sexy lesson when I firmly believe they got together, because there was no Sexy lesson, because Sue wouldn't have told Kurt and Blaine about the Sexy lesson, because there was no Sexy lesson, because there is no Glee club. After Sebastian came to Dalton, though, since no Uptown Girl, no Michael… Oh my God, I'm gonna cry. No Uptown Girl. My inner Niff is screaming. I feel like at some point someone would have noticed Nick and Jeff belonged together/wanted to be more than friends, maybe Sebastian, but possibly Hunter, so Thad and Blaine hooked them up, but it was awkward for them, and they broke up. But Niff thought being together was going to ruin their friendship and it almost, at this point, has. Jeff is currently single; Nick is considering seeing a girl from Crawford Country Day, they have a date set up for Christmas Eve at Breadstix, but he's on the fence about it. He wants Jeff to stay his best friend, but you know, he can't just be alone the rest of his life, they're both going to have to find someone eventually.)

"We're making cookies, Sebastian," Jeff said, although it was obvious he was hurt by the question. "If you don't want to be helpful, then get out." Sebastian slammed the rolling pin on the counter and stormed out of the kitchen.

Rachel had a spectacular voice, and Blaine actually really liked her as a person, even though he felt he shouldn't because he thought she was probably really annoying. Still, two hours after the performance, they'd ended up at the Lima Bean over coffee, and it felt like a date even though Blaine had a boyfriend, and Rachel was… did Rachel have a boyfriend?

"So, do you have a boyfriend, Rachel?" Blaine asked.

"Oh, no, certainly not," Rachel said. "I could never work up the courage to ask out a boy."

"I'm sure I could get you a date if there's someone you've got your eye on," Blaine said, winking at her (because in Artie's Shittacular Reality, he's suddenly able to wink), then casting an eye around the coffee shop for anyone who might be even close to an acceptable date for her. There was the barista, but he was incredibly shy and, please, let's be honest, totally gay, and a few jocks with their cheerleaders in the corner booth.

"I don't know," Rachel said. "Someday I'll just meet a guy, and I'll know, right?" She looked at Blaine. He cleared his throat.

"More coffee?" he asked, getting up and shaking his empty coffee cup. She shook her head indicating she wasn't finished her first yet, but Blaine went up to the counter to order another medium drip for himself, when suddenly:

"Hey, Super Homo!" one of the jocks in the corner booth (cough, Ryder, cough) yelled.

"Yeah?" Blaine answered almost automatically, turning to face the jocks.

"Not you, the other one," Jake sneered.

"My iced latte's too cold," Kitty said, holding it up. The cute, but unfortunately gay barista scurried over to retrieve it from her to make a new one.

"It's an iced latte," Blaine said, walking a few steps towards the table with the jocks in it.

"It's an iced latte that's too cold," Kitty said. Blaine looked from Kitty to the barista, who was diligently making another iced latte.

"It's supposed to be cold," Blaine said. "It's made of ice. Just like you."

"Ooh, superhomo did not," Sam said.

"Superhomo did," Ryder replied. Sam, Ryder, and Jake stood up to face Blaine. They were all taller than him, and Blaine didn't like his odds, but decided to go for it anyway.

"I have a name," Blaine said, "and I'm sure he does too." Kurt handed the new latte to Kitty and pressed a medium drip into Blaine's hands before ducking for cover behind the counter again.

"You do have a name, it's superhomo," Ryder said. The door to the shop dinged open, and there stood the last person anyone in that shop would have wanted to see… if this was the real world. In Artie's Shittacular Life, Blaine was very happy to see his boyfriend walking into the shop.

"Hey, d-bags," Sebastian said to Sam, Ryder, and Jake. "Back off. I know he's cute, but he's mine." Sebastian slung an arm around Blaine's shoulders and ordered something complex from the barista before steering him back to the other side of the shop. "B, you really have to stop picking fights."

"You can't just run from homophobia, Sebastian," Blaine said, dragging him into a seat at the table where Rachel was still seated, watching the scene unfold. "Rachel, this is my boyfriend, Sebastian. He's really a big sweetie, I swear."

"Nice to meet you," Rachel said, extending her hand to shake his. In true gentleman fashion, because Sebastian Smythe would never be anything less, he placed a small kiss to the top of her hand.

"Enchanté," Sebastian said. The absolutely fabulous barista walked over to deliver Sebastian's triple-frappa-malted-mocha-chini-ato-whatever-I-don't-know-coffee.

"Hey," Blaine said to him. I don't think anyone at this point is surprised that it's Kurt.

"Hi," Kurt said nervously.

"My name's Blaine," Blaine said.

"Kurt," Kurt replied.

"Well, Kurt, it's very nice to meet you," Blaine said. Sebastian pinched his butt just then and he squeaked. "This is Sebastian, my boyfriend, and do you know Rachel?"

"We've met," Rachel said, "a few times sophomore year."

"I have to, um…" Kurt said, looking over his shoulder at the giant mess the jocks had left behind.

"Sure, sure," Blaine said. Kurt scurried away.

"Lucky I showed up to save your ass," Sebastian smirked.

"I could have taken them," Blaine said. "I'm too adorable to hit anyway."

"Not what the last three guys thought," Sebastian reminded him. Blaine scowled. He still couldn't believe Sebastian had weaseled that story out of him.

"Weren't you supposed to be cooking for the party tonight?" Blaine asked.

"I don't know how to cook," Sebastian said. "Besides, once I pitched the idea of Nick and Jeff getting back together, they all but threw me out. So I decided to get a coffee."

"You drove all the way to Lima to get a coffee," Blaine said. "Hun, there are coffee shops in Westerville. There's actually a place on campus to get coffee." Sebastian huffed and Blaine looked at Rachel. "I'm so sorry, Rachel, I'm being so rude, ignoring you like this. Tell us about yourself."

"I've been singing and dancing since I was about two years old, but I've never gotten the lead in any production, I've never even had a solo," Rachel said. "When I'm not practicing, I run my show choir devoted blog."

"A… blog… for show choirs," Sebastian said.

"I wrote an article on the Warblers after you won Nationals last year," Rachel said. "Your interpretation of the vintage theme with disco was very inspiring."

"Didn't Hunter say he read about us on a blog?" Sebastian asked.

"What are the odds Hunter reads her blog?" Blaine asked.

"I have a following of 243 people, if you must know," Rachel said.

"It can't be a coincidence, can it?" Sebastian asked Blaine.

"You didn't, by any chance, happen to mention that the Warblers are 'total cutiepies in their blazers and their pants', did you?" Blaine asked Rachel. Rachel blushed.

"It just sounds silly out of context," she said.

"Same blog," Sebastian and Blaine said at the same time.

A/N: Hope you enjoyed, leave me a review telling me you want me to keep writing it. It'll be good, I promise.

Samantha.