Author's Note: I got the idea for this from my friend, who helped me come up with most of the plot. Sorry if it seems rushed or anything. I don't have Microsoft Word so i have to work on this at my grandma's house and I wanted to publish it today while I could still go over there. Constructive criticism is welcomed. Also, I realized that on my last fanfiction I forgot to do the disclaimer so here it is. I do not own any of the characters in this story.
This, Bruce thought, was the reason that Alfred always did the grocery shopping. He looked at his sons and sighed. Tim and Damian were insulting each other, and it looked like they were about to start throwing punches. Dick was trying to calm them down, while also yelling at Jason, who was laughing and throwing random items into the cart. Other shoppers either stared at them like they were crazy or simply walked out of the store. He looked at the watch on his wrist and sighed again. They had only been there for half an hour.
The day hadn't started out this crazy. He had woken up to the smell of pancakes and coffee, which was normal. As he staggered down the steps he heard voices coming from the kitchen. That was normal too. He walked into the kitchen and his eyes widened in surprise. This was not normal. Tim was at the stove making pancakes while Damian and Jason were at the table ignoring each other. He decided that he needed a cup of coffee. He walked over to the pot and poured himself a cup. Only after he had taken a sip did he dare to ask, "Why are you all here?"
"Good morning to you too Bruce," Tim said.
"Good morning, why are you here?" Bruce said.
Jason snorted and said "Don't you remember Brucey, it's family day today."
Damian glared at Jason like he was offended that he had dared to speak. "Grayson wanted us to bond today," he said in a dry voice. "So he invited Todd and Drake over." The way he was crossing his arms and pouting showed that he wasn't very happy about them being there.
Ah, Bruce thought, that explains it. Dick liked them all to get together at least once a week for 'Family Bonding Time.' He made them go to various activities, and if they refused then he would stare at them like a wounded puppy until they caved.
But that still didn't explain one thing. "Where is Dick? And Alfred? He's usually the one that makes breakfast."
"Pennyworth looked ill so Grayson took him upstairs so he could rest."
Suddenly they heard footsteps coming down the stairs. Dick burst into the kitchen, waving a thermometer around.
"It's official," he said. "Alfred is sick. Poor guy has the flu. But don't worry; I made him promise to stay in bed until he got better. And since he's sick that means we get to do the grocery shopping today!"
"I would rather not," Damian said.
"Pass," Jason added.
"Pancakes are done," Tim said as he put a plate of them on the table. Bruce just took another sip of coffee.
Dick looked at Tim with heartbroken eyes. "Timmy don't you want to spend time with your family?"
Tim sighed. "Yes Dick, I'll go grocery shopping with you." No one could say no to Dick when he pulled out his secret weapon. The Puppy-Dog Eyes of Doom. Damian went to leave the kitchen, but before he could, he was lifted into the air and found himself forced to stare into teary sky-blue eyes.
"Please Dami,"Dick said. "It would make me really happy if you went with us." Damian tried to get out of his brother's arms but he soon found it was impossible.
"Fine," he spat. "But I'll only go with you after you unhand me!"
Instead he was brought into a bone-crushing hug. "Grayson let go of me!" he squawked. Dick spun him around a couple of times before letting him go. Then he turned his eyes to Jason, who suddenly found his plate of pancakes very interesting. "Jay Bird," Dick whimpered. Jason tried to resist but he couldn't help himself. He looked up and saw pools of pure blue sadness staring at him. He tried to be firm and stared straight back at Dick. He would not give in.
He caved as soon as he saw tears start pooling in his brothers eyes. "Fine, I'll go too but make sure the demon brat doesn't have any weapons on him." He ducked quickly as a knife that was meant for his head imbedded itself in the wall behind him.
As he stood back up he glared hatefully at Damian. "Stop trying to kill me you stupid little-"
"Damian," Dick interrupted. "What did I tell you about throwing knives in the house?"
"In the house?" Jason gasped in disbelief. "So what, he gets to throw deadly weapons at me outside?"
"Are we going to leave Alfred here by himself?" Bruce butt in before it could become a full-level hissy fit between Damian and Jason.
"Of course not," Dick said. "I already called someone to watch over him." At that moment the doorbell rang. "That must be her now." He practically skipped to answer the door. He flung it open and shrieked in delight.
"Babs, thanks for coming on such short notice."
Barbara smiled at him. "No problem," she replied. "Anything for Alfred."
Dick beamed at her. "Alright make sure he doesn't try to do any chores or anything to strain himself. We'll try to be back before lunch time. All right guys," he said turning towards them and beaming. "Let's go grocery shopping!"
Of course, nothing could ever be as simple as grocery shopping with the Bat Family. The first ten minutes were pretty uneventful, except for Dick trying to get Damian to ride in the cart because it would be cute, and Damian responding with some language that was not appropriate for children or adults to hear. Other than that though, it was going well. Maybe, Bruce thought, this will be just a normal shopping trip.
He was wrong.
Alfred always made a grocery list of what they needed each week and he always made sure to get healthy food for them. Unfortunately his definition of 'healthy' was different from Jason's.
"Drake, we're not getting that kind of sugar-filled cereal," Damian snapped at Jason as he tried to sneak in some Fruit Loops into the cart. Jason rolled his eyes at him.
"Aw, come on brat," he said. "Can't you be a normal kid and like sugar-filled things?" Bruce gave a warning look to his second oldest.
Damian bristled at Jason like an offended cat. "Pennyworth made a clear list of what we are supposed to buy, and that abomination you call food is not on it."
Tim rolled his eyes at his behavior. "Look, it's not really a big deal. If you don't like it then you don't have to eat it."
Dick nodded cheerfully at him. "Yeah, Tim's right, don't worry about it Little D."
If there were two things that Damian hated most, it was when Dick took someone else's side other than his, and it was when that someone else was Tim. "Tt," he said, glaring at Tim. "What does he know? He's an idiot."
"Excuse me?" Tim asked. "If I was an idiot I don't think that Dick would be agreeing with me. So why don't you just calm down, kid."
Damian's mouth narrowed into a line, and his eyes turned into two slits of pure anger. He hated it when someone called him a kid. Pretty soon, Damian and Tim were hurling insult after insult at each other while Dick tried to get them to calm down.
Dick panicked. He turned to Jason for assistance, only to see that he was laughing at them and throwing more grocery items that he wanted to get in the cart. "Jason," Dick hissed. "Stop that and help me out over here." Jason grew thoughtful, like he was considering it, and then gave Dick a wicked smirk. "Nah," he said. "It's more fun to watch."
This was when Bruce found them. He had gotten distracted, looking at sunglasses. He sighed at the scene he came upon, and looked at his watch. Well, he thought, at least no one's going to the hospital this time. A cry of pain brought his attention away from his watch. Never mind, he thought. Apparently, Damian had twisted Tim's ankle and Tim had broken his nose. Dick was trying to scold them and worry over them at the same time, while Jason just laughed harder.
Next time, Bruce thought, we'll just skip shopping.