Author's Note: A songfic. Kind of. It's inspired by How To Save A Life, by The Fray. Yes, a total blast from the past. If you consider 2006 the past.
There was this thread on Reddit yesterday, about what song always makes you cry. So, I read it, and I heard this song. Well, it's been stuck in my head. And I realized something, mostly because when this song was popular, I had no idea what it was about. This song is about suicide. Really. I never noticed that.
So, this is me, while I'm sick in bed, ranting my little heart about depression, suicide, LGBT support, gender identity, and religion. If you are offended by any of these, I suggest you read. It might just change your stance.
Columbia looked at the coffin at the front of the room. Closed. She walked silently, like a dark, black cloud to the front of the room, and on it, she placed a gloved black hand. "Magenta..." Her voice cracked. She looked at the podium at the beginning of the small stage, and walked up to it. She tapped twice on the small microphone. "Uh... Hello?" The audience looked at her. "Okay. This isn't easy for me to say... And it won't be easy for you to hear. But she left in her note... That she wanted me to speak.
"I knew Magenta... A long time. A pretty freaking long time of her... Short life. Now, I'm not going to say she was selfish by taking her own life. She had always said no one asked to be born. And if you said someone was selfish by taking what they offered you, their life, you needed to re-think yours.
"I always knew she was depressed. We all new it. She had been medicated thousands of times, and nothing seemed to work. We all feared for her health... Right? No. No one wanted to be near her, for their own health. She was deemed a criminal, insane. Near the... Near the end, her own brother wouldn't even go near her. I was the only being on earth that she could talk to." Columbia looked at all of the shocked and hurt expressions. "That's right.
"Now, I don't mean to lay blame on anyone. If anyone should be to blame... It should be me. She called me, at about seven. We talked until about midnight, and I was drifting off to sleep. She... She told me it was alright, that she should try to sleep too. She never even mentioned it that night. My last words? 'Alright honey. Wake me up if you need me. Lovies.' Her last words? 'Lovies back... Bye.' That's it. That is the last words I ever said to her.
"Over the phone. You know the last words I ever said to her in person? 'You're such a fucking cunt! I understand why they don't talk to you.' Yeah. She said, of course, she accepted my apology I was going to ask her on Monday if she really did. Of course, Monday for her... Never came.
"I would have stayed up with her. If she would have just said that she was considering... I knew about the scars on her wrist. I checked them every day. But... The day we had the fight... My eyes had gone red." Columbia's tears went over her waterproof makeup, and she dabbed at them. "I didn't even notice the fresh blood on the bandages. Or the new bandages, for that matter. When she called... It didn't sound like she was in pain.
"On the contrary. She sounded perfect. She apologized, and I did too. We talked. And talked. And talked. She helped me with my literature a little, giving me a summary of a book we were supposed to read, I gave her the answers to the math test she was supposed to take on Monday.
"It seemed pretty good. It was a pretty fun time. No one bothered her, like they usually did, no one bothered me. I hacked into Magenta's email, deleting all of the hate mail, before she got on it. A small gesture, really.
"But you know what's funny? Over half of the people who sent her the horrible, nasty things... Are here tonight. The other half is mourning her at school. Saying you were such good friends with her. Saying it's such a shame that she got bullied. And yet... You did it to her.
"The hate mail wasn't the only thing. You ever wonder why we both wore so much makeup? Well, other than the constant chorus of 'dyke' and 'faggot', we were constantly hit. I'm hiding a black eye right now. I know, if we took off Magenta's makeup at any given time after we came out, her face was covered in cuts and bruises. And so was mine.
"So now what are you supposed to do? Just make fun of me? Or make fun of me because my girlfriend's dead? Or you could choose someone else. We all know you're not going to stop making fun of people... It gives you confidence. It's scum like you that's making innocent people, like Magenta, kill themselves.
"Just because you need to feel better about yourself, you make fun of someone else. You gain a few pounds? Oh, that chick over there is so fat!" Columbia looked at the crowd. "You are so insecure about being gay yourself... That you shove a dildo up your ass, go to school, play some football, and then push the lesbian cheerleader and her goth girlfriend around. Your excuse? 'Oh, well, I know you're not supposed to hit girls... But you're dykes. You're not a chick.' Words hurt.
"They hurt. But you'd never know, right? You're popular. You know, I used to be popular. I was a good girl. Got good grades, got to the church on time, hung out with the cheerleaders. On the side, of course, I had all of the nasty usual habits. And then I got a girlfriend. Well, I guess we got kicked out of Texas. I was told that we're the reason that it's trying to become independent. Yeah. I believe that.
"Gays ruin the world. They're going to ban rainbows! Why? Oh, well, we all know the pride flag is a rainbow, and we can't have those evil things show pride! Denton, I love your closed mindedness." Columbia paused. "Sarcasm. A healthy dose is needed in times like this.
"Think about it like this. If you weren't allowed to marry the one you love, it doesn't matter if it's a girl, a guy, or anything what would you feel like? Pretty shitty, right? Well, now I think you're in the correct mindset.
"So, Magenta never asked to be born. No one did. She didn't ask to be gay. You didn't ask to be straight. It's just the way things go. She didn't ask for the constant hate.
"Now, if we had just stayed in the closet, we wouldn't have gotten the hate, of course. But... There's something... That just eats you, from the inside. And you have to tell someone. Anyone.
"I've never been one for organized religion. I had to be scraped out of bed to go to church. I would still pray every night. That things would get better, that people would accept, that one day, man could lay with man, the same way he lays with woman.
"But what kind of god would let this happen? Does he mean for it to happen? Or does a finger just slip, and something happens. I mean, there's a lot of people on earth. He can't control all of them. I mean, there's constantly something dying, and something being born. I would be a little confused, if I had that much responsibility.
"Maybe God meant for this to happen. Sometimes, you have to loose something to find out how precious it is. I lost my mother's engagement ring when I was five, and I was playing dress-up She never gave a thought to how much she loved that ring, she always let me use it... Until I lost it. She freaked out.
"So, maybe this is a message from God. Well, what is He saying? I have my own option 'Hey, you guys. I took her life for a reason. Not because she was gay, not natural selection, but to teach you a lesson. What is that lesson? Acceptance.' Now, I'm not a preacher.
"I'm not even really religious. I just don't like to think about the past. I don't like to think about the future. I like to think about the present.
"Right now, in the present. We are all here to mourn a death of a beautiful young girl, with many problems that just couldn't be solved. Magenta Vitus is in that coffin right now. Lifeless. Because of her problems.
"In the present, I see a room of people who once loved her. Everyone of you knew Magenta, and were close with her. Her brother, her parents, Frankie, the literature club, the drama club... Magenta loved you all. But you turned on her.
"As did everyone else. As soon as the words came out of our mouths, and our mouths touched, it was like a forest fire. And one little spark obliterates the entire thing. Think about what you say.
"When you go home tonight, I want you to do something. I want you to go into a completely dark room, and light a candle. Talk to it. Ask for acceptance. Pray. Whatever you feel you need to do. You can do it with other people. Hold hands, and go around in a circle. Say what you wish could happen, what you wish didn't happen. Just talking to it can make it better.
"Put the candle out, and slip into bed. Now, without any televisions or phones, think about it. What can I do tomorrow to help? Pick up someone's books when they drop them? Apologise to people you've bullied? Talk to someone you might not want to regularly Just smile. Smile at someone in the hall. At a teacher who looks like they may be down. At the janitor.
"Look. I'm just going to say it. Highschool fucking sucks. We all know it. And let me tall you... It gets progressively worse. And worse. And worse. Think about it. While you're still in the womb, you have a pretty bitchin' life going on. And then you're out. Life gets worse every day.
"But it also gets better. Why? You're always one day closer to something.
"Weather it be a paycheck, a graduation, a concert whatever is important to you. You may even be counting in the days before they get a new shipment of doughnuts at the store. I don't care, as long as you have something to live for.
"I found this great thing to do. Have a piece of paper you can hide easily. Write down all of the things you're looking forward too. Everything there? Copy them down into a calender Good. Now, get a jar. Write down every single good thing that happens to you on a piece of scrap paper. Tear what you wrote off, fold it a few times, and throw it in the jar. Empty the jar every time you do something you look forward to. Look how many good things happened to you! Now, add something you look forward to when you find it to the calender, but not to the paper. Look how many things you added that were not on the paper. Pretty cool how your life looks, all on that calender, huh?
"And you know, simple good things to put in the jar. I took a shower, and got into a clean bed. Who doesn't like that feeling?
"If you count all of the good things, you begin to appreciate all of the small things. Good and bad things happen to you every day. You feel good this morning? You feel bad this morning? Well, what?" Columbia smiled, dabbing at a few more tears. "It's good or bad. You don't bully someone you want to? Or you could stand up to someone being bullied.
"I know that's what Magenta and I wanted. Someone to stand up for us.
"You see, you can take a lot from this speech. Well, what can you take away from this? First, she wasn't selfish. If you think she's selfish, you are. Second, think about what you say before you say it. It's hard, I know. But you can think before you send it. Third, yes. I'm different from you. You're different from the person beside you. Are any of you a fan of the Beatles?
"Well, John Lennon, probably the most known, made a song called Imagine. Talking about imagining all the people, living together, in peace. He says he doesn't think we can.
"And I'm starting to agree with him. There's always going to be war. There's always going to be fighting. There's always going to be some guy who thinks that they're better than someone else. There's always going to be a hero, and there's always going to be a villain.
"But why can't we all be heroes? David Bowie is a good example for that. The song Heroes.
"Also known as The Tunnel Song, from the Perks Of Being A Wallflower movie. Now, I've read the book, I haven't seen the movie. I do know Heroes is not supposed to be the tunnel song, but whatever. I'm not sure I want to see the movie. The book was about acceptance of outsiders, and Magenta had to be the proof that that is not happening...
"Anyway, Heroes could be a little funny. The first line is about dolphins. But... If you listen closely... I can remember, standing by the wall... And the guns shot over our heads, and we kissed, as nothing could fall.
"What could that mean? Well, war is going on. We can't stop it. But... If we could be heroes... Just for one day... Could we stop it?
"Let's make the perfect world.
"No hate. No war. We need peace. Make love, not war. It's green everywhere. No sickness, no health. We're all just good. Groovy. Everyone loves everyone. Gender is a blur.
"That's the best part. It really helps people. If you had been raised in a religious family, such as myself, I was barely taught about sex. I freaked out when I got my first period. I was told I was impure My mother smacked me around, and told me it was God's punishment for me.
"So, when I started having these confusing feelings, bubbling inside of me, the only response is to lock them inside. If a woman loving a another woman is taboo, and downright wrong, you don't want to tell people.
"If we didn't have gender, we wouldn't have a problem. You could be attracted to what's on the inside. You don't see a person for how they look, you see a person on how they act. You see a person on how they feel. You see a person... Just as a person. You don't see a male, you don't see a female.
"Magenta was struggling with her identity... Near the end." Columbia dabbed more tears. "Gender is a confusing thing.
"Parents with small children, what to you do when your little boy reaches for a Barbie doll? Do you give it to him? No, of course not. It's a girl's toy. What do you do when a little girl reaches for a monster truck. Aww, that's so cute. She's going to drive a truck, just like her daddy.
"That's women's problem. If they go out in pants, who the hell cares? But the moment a man goes out in a dress, call the authorities, this isn't right. That's why gender identity messes people up.
"Let's just forget all of our problems for a second. What am I? Your first guess is always what part you have. But if you soul search a little bit, you might surprise yourself. I'm not saying everyone is trans*, I'm just saying everyone has curiosity. And you know what's best, highschoolers?
"College. Seriously. If you go out and get drunk, hopefully once your in age, you can experiment And no one cares, because well... You're drunk. if anything, other drunk people will be taking pictures.
"There's a sexuality for everything. Well, not everything. I hope." She shook her head. "Anyway. Something that everyone should be, if we had less closed minded people, is pansexual. If you're pan, gender doesn't really have an affection your decision.
"Now, I'd say some people would identify as pan for a little while, and then go back, because you knew you didn't like your own gender. You experimented and it got real weird, real fast. That's fine! I'm freaking proud of you if you do that! You know for sure now. You had the guts to identify as different for a little while. That's all that matters.
"You are you. You are no one else. You are what you want to be, not what anyone tells you to be. You are you, for no one else. You don't obey orders, unless it is from an official. We still have rules, of course. We can't completely rebel.
"Now. Lastly. Think about this for a second. This is from an old song, by The Fray. The Who? No, The Fray. And I bet no one got that joke." She smiled to herself. "Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend, somewhere along in the bitterness, and I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life." She nodded. "And I would have. I just didn't know she needed saving. Thank you." Columbia walked off the podium, wiping a few tears away, and looking at the thinking audience. Now, if they would only remember what she said.
Columbia walked up silently to Magenta's mother, and hugged her. "Thank you, Columbia..." She ran her fingers over Columbia's short red hair, and watched her tears fall in it. "You were good to her."
Author's Note: So... Wow. I just got... Kind of deep. Suicide is a big fucking deal. It really is. Don't fucking do it. Talk to ME. If you have no one else. Seriously. I just created an email. Talk. To. Me. If you need help. I'm not a professional, I swear, but I've been with professionals before. I know how they act. My entire family struggles with substance absue, depression, PTSD, the list goes on, and most of it, I can't spell. The email: fanfictioncrisis . So, seriously. Email me. If you just want to talk to someone. Seriously. If you just need motivation. If you're just lonely. No matter how small, I'll talk to you. I might not respond right away, but I will respond. Trust me.
If you think I don't know what I'm dealing with... I don't. I have no idea how fucked up life really is. No one does. If you've experience something fucked up, someone can always top you. And it depends on how fucked up it is to someone else.
While I was in the hospital, I witnessed FIRST HAND, all kinds of things. What happens when you're to addicted to something, withdrawal is a hell of a thing already, and this was a stability clinic. These people were suicidal, and in withdrawal.
People who slit their wrists, and they gave them scar cream. That's it. They had many different reasons. Depression was the most prominent and there were many more reasons they were depressed. Abuse, PTSD, hatred for the world. Hatred for the man.
PTSD is horrible. I could never live with it. Luckily, we only had one girl who had it. She was raped, and developed it.
Teen moms. Actually, there was only one, and she had cutting and substance abuse problems. She was seventeen, married, and had a nice apartment. (Or so she told us.)
Violence issues were prominent If you're expelled for being violent a few time, they just pop you in there. I can't imagine why they would do that.
You know what the point of this place is, other than one on one therapy Group therapy Just... Talking about what your problems are. Because, half the time, once you've talked about them, you can find something to do about them.
Here's an interesting fact. Most percent of people who survive trying to kill themselves by jumping off a bridge say about halfway down, most of their problems can be solved pretty easily.
That's what I found out when I talked to people. They gave me the most simple solutions that I just... Overlooked. You see? Maybe talking to people isn't that bad. :)
And the jar idea is a really good idea. Shows you to apreaciate the little things. And you'll see the gradual coming to you. One day, just write 'I saw a beautiful flower today!' Because, pretty soon, and if you get out of the dumps, it could be: 'I'm on the top of the world. Nothing can bring me down. Not even an iceburg like it did Jack.' (That was my friend's, last week.) :D