I lost him, of course.
I couldn't tell him I loved him. A million times, I ran it through my mind, and it always sounded wrong. There were times when I think I saw a glimmer in his eye, always hoping I would make the first move. I couldn't do it. I watched as the lost faith, the hurt, welled up in his eyes, yet I did not speak. I watched as it turned to ice, unable to turn away, but always clenching my fists, squeezing my eyes shut in pain, wishing I could tell him.
I watched as the years flew by, faster than I can recollect. I watched him slip away, marry my childhood friend, and stand there at the wedding like I was the happiest bridesmaid ever. I watched him laugh at the toasts, smile as he pulled a flower from her hair. As she let the bouquet go, I watched as it landed at my feet. I laid onyx eyes on the pair of them, biting back a bitter smile, as I saw twin looks of joy upon their faces.
I lost him.
My pride wouldn't let me tell him. Maybe if I had, it would have been me at that wedding, slipping the ring on my finger, having the first dance. I think I danced with Odd.
If I had told him, maybe I would have been the one wrapped in his arms, as our hands each found a place on that knife, cutting the towering cream cake. I ate without tasting.
I smiled and nodded, all through the day. Only when the limo was miles on its way to their new house and a tumbleweed flew across the streets did I curse and ram a heel into the Earth. But I refused to cry.
Oh, how the years flew by. They had been blissfully married for so long. And they had to have children. Beautiful twin girls. I was there in the hospital, with all of the group and a few more, added over the years. I didn't recognize them. They were more their friends than mine, or even Odd or Jeremy's. As I entered the hospital room to see, they were both glowing with joy.
He smiled at me, and it made my heart wrench for I wasn't the cause of it. No. Far from it.
The others eventually found lives. They distanced themselves. How time flew. As the twins grew older, as Odd began teaching Drama classes, as Jeremy started his own small, but successful company, only I stayed the same. I was a freelancer, a writer for some mangy journal on a topic I didn't even know. It was only logical that I should babysit when the two were at work, he as an athletic trainer, and she a college professor. The twins were so sweet. They called me auntie.
I took a band aid from its group and put it on the girl's scraped knee. "Take care of Bert for me."
She smiled happily. Nothing could cheer a girl up like a Sesame Street bandage. I think she said thank you.
I looked at her closely, tilted her head. Her eyes were Ulrich's. Exactly the same. I felt like I was young again, like I still had a chance, when I looked into her eyes. Ulrich's eyes. And finally, as she ran off to play and I resumed staring out of the windowsill, a tear pricked at my eye and began to roll down my cheek. I think I even laughed. With all the mirth of a dark cavern. All those years. My pride was finally broken.
A decade too late.