Kiss of Insanity
Authoress Note: So, a friend of mine (fox17hp) and I had this idea while we were playing Batman: Arkham Asylum that what if when Joker had leaned in towards Batman when he was saying, 'I think he is talking about you, Bats!' the guard had nudged Joker towards Batman and they kissed?! So, this is one the versions my twisted brain came up with!
WARNING: this is pure crack! Also, slight spoilers if you haven't played the game.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the video game Batman: Arkham Asylum or the characters. All of this except for the ending scene is like the opening of Batman: Arkham Asylum, which didn't come from my own brain.
PAIRING: Batjokes
xXx
The Joker was being ushered through the multiple steel doors of Arkham Asylum on a cart. He has done this many times before, but this time it was different. Batsy was tagging along for the ride! A plan was brewing in his head and of his trap he had set oh so perfectly. And his one and only Batsy had sprung it! He was so excited!
Joker was pushed into a cylindrical area, guards were surrounding him and Batman was trailing behind. Then, the cart stopped and a voice echoed through the room.
"Tunnel's full! Start the scan!" it said.
Then another voice said, "Scan initializing." And a blue colored light scanned the room and the people inside for weapons.
"Y'know what? I preferred the good ol' cavity search. Much more personal," the Joker voiced.
Suddenly, the light turned red and an alarm sounded. "Got a red light!" a voice warned through the speakers. "Multiple prohibited items."
"I want Joker searched again!" the first voice yelled.
"Err. It's not the patient. It's, err…" the second voice said.
"Ooh! Whatcha sneak in with you, Bats?" The Joker asked, chuckling. "C'mon. Tell me! Tell me! Batarangs? Batclaws? Ooh, Bat snacks?"
"The scan is green on Joker," The second voice said.
"Open the gate! Get him out of there!" the first voice commanded, and the gate opened. "I want weapons on him at all times. Do not let him out of your sight."
The guards began pulling the cart through the gate.
"There'll be time enough for you later, Cash. Speaking of time, tick, tock, tick, tock. Is that a crocodile I hear?" the Joker laughed.
"Oh my. The Joker…" A woman doctor said as Joker was pulled past her into another hallway.
"What's up, Doc? Pencil me in for tomorrow at 4. We got a lot of catching up to do," The Joker said staring at her as he was pulled away.
Then a television hanging on the wall suddenly turned on. The warden was displayed on it dressed in a suit and tie. The Joker craned his neck to look at it.
"Hello, new patient. This is Quincy Sharp, the warden of Arkham Asylum…" Warden Sharp said on the TV.
"Ooh! It's my favorite show. 'I'm Warden Idiot', 'You'll never escape'." The Joker laughed.
"…Of the criminally insane." The television droned as they group walked by. However, nobody paid any attention.
On the other side of the bars creating a makeshift wall were Blackgate Prison inmates dressed in jumpsuits. They were marching by, with their hands behind their heads, in two straight lines.
"I'm telling you, the state of the wiring in these federal facilities is shocking. My boys over there could have been hurt in that unfortunate fire," the Joker said as he watched the inmates march on the other side of the bars.
They came to another huge, steel door where a doctor and a couple more guards were waiting.
"Just got to check your prisoner, Officer Boles," the doctor said. He was dressed in a plain, beige scrub top and matching colored pants and holding a clipboard.
"Whatever, just be quick!" Officer Boles replied.
"Just following procedure! Patient seems to be in satisfactory condition. Looks like he suffered minor lacerations, probably in the last 2 hours. There seems to be…"
"BOO!" the Joker screamed, then started laughing. The doctor jumped back and the guards trained their guns on the laughing clown. "Need to take my temperature? I'd be happy to drop my pants."
"He's all yours. Get him out of here," the doctor said.
"He's good. Get the door open," one of the many guards surrounding the Joker ordered.
Then the giant door slid open and the guards, once again, pulled the Joker through.
"Alert in Intensive Treatment. Category 9 patient in transit. Pacification system active. Shoot to kill permissions granted," A female voice echoed through the room.
The guards pulled the Joker into a room. Guards were everywhere. An elevator was rising up to the room.
The group stopped. "You heard the lady! We've got another psycho on the way," one of the guards warned.
Batman looked up along with the others as the elevator rose higher.
The Joker smiled wider. "Can you smell the excitement in the air? No? Hmm, must have been one of the guards then." He quickly then craned his neck, trying to see the elevator as it arrived. "Croc, ol' boy, is that you?" he asked.
Inside the elevator was Killer Croc, crouching so he could fit inside.
"Get ready!" Officer Boles commanded as the door opened. "Keep your weapons trained on him at all times." The guards did as they were told and trained their guns onto Killer Croc.
Said crocodile sauntered out of the elevator, his chains rattling.
"He looks angry…" one of the guards muttered worriedly.
Killer Croc stood up straight and a spotlight shined onto his face. He growled.
"That thing looks pissed…" another one of the guards observed.
The giant crocodile began to sniff the air. He caught whiff of Batman's scent.
"What's it doing?" a guard yelled.
Killer Croc took a step towards the group. "I've got your scent, Batman. I will hunt you down," it growled.
"Get that animal under control!" someone yelled and the collar wrapped around Killer Croc's neck began to electrocute him. He growled. "Get that thing out of here. Now!"
"A toy collar won't stop me from killing you, Batman. I'll rip you apart. Eat your bones," he threatened and sauntered away with a group of guards trailing behind. Loud footsteps began to fade away.
"That reminds me! I really need to get me some new shoes!" Joker said as he looked down at his feet.
"Ok! Move up!" a voice said and the guards began to pull the Joker to the elevator.
"Hold tight!" a male voice warned and the elevator door began to close.
"How come they let Batman past security?" another male voice inquired as the door shut.
The elevator groaned to life and began to move downwards.
"WHEE! Great night for a party!" the Joker exclaimed.
"Not where you're going," Batman said.
"Haha! The night is young, Bats. I still have a trick or two up my sleeve. I mean, don't you think that it's a little bit funny how a fire at Blackgate caused hundreds of my crew to be moved here?" the Joker giggled.
"I thought I told you to stay quiet!" a guard shouted at the joker.
"Oh, Frankie! You really should learn to keep that fat mouth of yours shut. It'll get you into trouble!" the Joker growled.
"Tell me something. You've never let me catch you this easily. What are you really after?" Batman asked.
"Oh, nothing much! Hundreds dying in pain and fear. All their meaningless lives brought to a horrifying conclusion! All thanks to you and a book of matches. Was that the answer you wanted?" Joker asked, smiling at Batman.
The TV in the elevator suddenly came to life. Warden Sharp was pictured on the screen.
"All patients should avoid contact with prisoners from Blackgate Prison Facility. Their presence in our institution is…"
Suddenly, the Joker began to laugh manically as the lights flickered, and eventually went out.
The guards voiced began to frantically shout as Joker's laugh ricocheted off the walls in the elevator.
"What's he doing?!"
"Stay where you are!"
"Get a flashlight! Get a flashlight on him!"
Then the lights flickered back on. Batman had a large hand wrapped around Joker's throat.
"…Temporary. Once again, I emphasize, all Blackgate prisoners should be considered dangerous and not be approached."
The Joker began to gag and leaned towards Batman. "What? Don't you trust me?" Joker choked. Batman threw his head at the back of the cart.
The elevator stopped.
"Our guest has arrived," a guard announced and the doors opened.
"Intensive Treatment lower floors are now a level Red Alpha," The woman voice announced and the guards pulled the Joker out of the elevator and towards another steel door.
"So, you're back. You killed 3 of my crew when you busted outta here," an angry male voice growled at the Joker.
"Only 3? Hahaha! I'll be sure to try harder next time! What say we aim for a hundred?" the Joker laughed.
The steel doors opened and Commissioner James "Jim" Gordon was standing at a desk writing something down. He looked up and saw the group walking through the doors.
Batman approached Jim as the guards pull Joker away and asks, "Long night, Jim?"
"Ha! Joker invades city hall and holds Mayor hostage, leaving me to juggle SWAT teams, the media, and you. Yeah, it's been a helluva night," Jim answers and walks over to Batman to shake his hand.
The duo follows the group and Joker down the next hallway.
"Hopefully the last one we'll ever have with him," Batman says.
"Hold it there! Sorry, Batman. Arkham staff only!" An officer orders.
"I assure you, if anyone's qualified, it's…" Jim starts, but is cut off by the officer.
"Listen, I appreciate the assistance, but he'll unsettle the more violent inmates."
"Heeheheeahahaha! I think he's talking about you, Bats!" The Joker laughs. He was walking with one of the security guards holding onto his arms and his hands handcuffed towards Batman and Jim.
Joker and the guard walked in-between Jim and Batman when suddenly the guard stumbled, which caused Joker to stumble towards Batman. The Joker's lips met with Batman's.
"Mmph!" Batman gasped against the Joker's scarred lips. Joker just moaned in reply. He was kissing the Batman! It was a dream come true!
"Hey!" The guard holding onto Joker's arm cried. "Get away from him!" The guard pulled on his arm, but the Joker resisted as much as he could.
Joker moved his lips with passion against Batman's, and found that Batman's were ever so slightly moving with his! He never wanted this moment to end. But, as you know all good things must come to an end.
The guard yanked Joker's arm and pulled him away from Batman and pulled him towards the door.
Joker turned his head to look at Batman. "Yoo-hoo! Batsy! Thanks for that heavenly kiss! I just know you loved it as much as I did!" the Joker began to laugh as he was pulled away.
Batman stood there in shock. His blue eyes were wide with shock. What had just happened? His eyes snapped up and met Jim's. Jim's eyes were just as wide as his.
"W-what?" Jim stuttered. He didn't know what to say. He wasn't even sure what has just happened before his very eyes.
Batman slightly shook his head. He brought his hand to his lips, and wiped something off his bottom lip. He brought his hand away and inspected his fingers. They were covered in red lipstick.
"Here," Jim said. Batman looked up and saw Jim was holding out a black handkerchief. "You need it more than I do." Jim smiled.
"Thanks," Batman said and took the handkerchief. Then he began to wipe his lips free of red lipstick.
"Don't mention it," Jim said nodding.
Batman wiped off all the lipstick and tucked it away into his utility belt.
"At least he's back where he belongs," Jim said.
Batman and Jim walked over to the window to watch Joker be escorted to the holding cells.
Then almost as quick as the kiss of insanity, the Joker broke free…
Authoress Note: Ta-Da! So, whatcha think? Interesting kiss scene, right? And that was the first kiss scene I have ever written with these two, so let me know how it was! And if you have played the video game, then you know exactly what happens after that!
I also apologize for any typos you may find. I wrote this at 2:30 in the morning.
Reviews are greatly appreciated!
Thanks for reading!