The days were merging together. There was nothing more than an endless amount of time spent staring at white walls, white clothes, and that stupid fucking Van Gogh painting. Sometimes I could see the top of Monty's head staring expectedly at the door, wishing that I would join him but I couldn't always bring myself to get up. I couldn't really bring myself to do much of anything.

I spent most of the time in the small bed, hardly ate any of the meals I was given, and went to the occasional tests run by what the grounders called mountain men. The men of course were obviously survivors of the cataclysm who had been given a more fortunate means when it came to survival. They had advanced technology and seemed to know far more than they were giving away.

I had so many questions. Why were they being quarantined? What happened if we were ever released? How long would that take? Who exactly were the mountain men and how did they survive? The men never talked and I never saw their faces. I probably should have asked even if I didn't expect an answer, but I just didn't care. How was I supposed to care about something as little as my life when I felt so empty inside? When so many more had already given up theirs to save mine?

The only person that I was entirely sure about being alive was Monty. I assumed that those who had walked out of the dropship alongside me were somewhere within this ward, but I had no definitive proof because they never brought more than one person out at a time and my room was at the end of the hall. Half of them could be dead and I might never have the chance to figure it out. Even that was something I couldn't bring myself to feel anything about.

I embraced the sleep, let it wrap around me and give me a relief from the constant pain flowing through my veins, my heart, and my soul. The near constant nightmares were even welcoming because at least there I was able to see him. Commanding frame, strong jaw, soulful eyes, and an abundance of freckles. I despised times that I would scream myself awake from them. That I would have to face reality and deep ache that settled over my body. Sometimes I wished that I had just made Miller close the dropship door without me. I should have stayed, should have jumped in to help Bellamy myself. We were partners and it should have been me by his side while we faced a certain death. It should have been just him and me. Together. The rebel and the princess until the very end.

It didn't matter that saving myself for the sake of our people is what Bellamy would have wanted me to do because I didn't want to be leading our people without him. He was the heart of our group. He inspired a handful of delinquents who never thought they would live past eighteen. He inspired me.

It was so easy to admit now and I wished that I'd been able to understand it sooner. Maybe if our lives weren't under continual assault or I hadn't been so caught up with the whole Finn triangle drama. It seemed insane now that I ever considered that I was falling in love with him. Finn didn't understand that whatever happened would never happen again. He didn't understand that Raven was the better of all of us. He didn't understand that even though I didn't want him to die, it didn't mean that I still had feelings for him romantically. Because after everything that I'd gone through with Finn I knew that we would never work out because he just didn't understand me. Not like Bellamy did.

Bellamy challenged me.

He was willing to take the weight of being the bad guy so I wouldn't have to.

He fought beside me. He fought for me. It the end he'd even died for me.

All without knowing how I really felt about him.

We'd only been on the ground for about a month so there wasn't a lot of time between being enemies and aligning ourselves as leaders but the realization came so suddenly that I could pin point the exact moment I stopped thinking about being with Finn and fell in love with Bellamy. It wasn't some exaggerated moment or a grand gesture, it was more complex, intense, and unspoken. So much like Bellamy himself.

My heart had dropped at the sight of Bellamy being so on edge as sickness spread throughout the camp. He always held himself with such confidence and I that look on his face, the one where he seemed to barely be holding himself together. He didn't have to say anything that day for me to understand what he was trying to convey. Our silent conversations were becoming more frequent and it only took a shared glance between us to figure out a solution.

He was so protective that day; not wanting me to be around Murphy alone, risking the sickness by staying close by to make sure I was alright, disarming the idiot who had threatened to shoot me. Just like he'd killed Dax to make sure I was safe.

To Bellamy actions had always spoken louder than words, at that day he may as well have shouted them directly to me. I could have kissed him if it wasn't taking all my energy to stay upright. For so long Octavia had been the only girl who mattered to Bellamy but suddenly I was put right into his orbit. It only took me a second to realize that I didn't mind it at all; in fact I wanted to be there. At that point I looked back on the entire short course of our relationship and realized that sometimes other people could distract you from the person you were meant to be with. Someone who could be standing right in front of you, or in this case beside me.

The looks, the chemistry, even the shift in the way he used the term princess. Bellamy may not have been in love with me but he respected me enough to be truthful and he cared enough to be protective over my life, and that was enough for me. Letting him die without knowing how I felt wasn't enough. The fact that I'd never thanked him for giving me the opportunity to feel such a consuming emotion wasn't enough for me. I didn't want to believe that he was gone but there were so many bodies burned and any way of escape seemed impossible. So just like any other night I have no choice but to let the pain wash over my body, crippling me until I was gasping for breath.

Until the last words on my lips before passing out were I love you, Bellamy Blake.

Sorry, guys. I know that was sad but the season finale of the 100 ripped me apart, dragged me through the mud, and left me for dead. Out of all the season finales that I have watched recently this was one of the most intense. (Seriously though, I had to take breaks.) I hope you liked it and your thoughts are always welcome.

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P.S. Also some of you have been asking if I take requests or prompts and I've never done any before but I'm always open to suggestions and ideas :)