The nail marks in the slabs of wood poorly pieced together and splintering under his coarse palms were only a reminder of the countless nights Remus violently shifted under the glow of a full moon. Whispers of violent spirits and howling ghosts that burst to a ghastly light during the cycle of the moon, when it was brightest in the sky and woke the dead spread throughout the castle and Hogsmead. Little did anyone ever know that tragically it was no spirits that were set free during the witching hours of the full moon but merely the wolf that hid inside Remus savagely tearing itself out.
He prayed that one day it would get easier, that one day the pain would stop, that he would no longer feel like a stranger in his own scarred skin but unfortunately that would never be the case. Remus had tried to end it before, searched desperately for a cure and while he would never admit to it tried to kill himself. The little control he had on the full moon had caused some particularly bad injuries in efforts to rid himself of this torment, tearing flesh and snapping bones that would only vanish in time with little lasting consequence. His body healed far too fast for it to take action and it left the wolf overcome with regret and anger. It was a never ending cycle of self disgust and pain. Given that he lived in such close proximity of Peter and Sirius, formally James as well, if they ever noticed the sorrowful look in his eyes and the hours he spent locked away for more worrying reasons than others they never said anything.
A shattered mirror was tucked into the corner of the room, hidden under torn curtains and abandoned items. After years of abuse and tear the room was destroyed, resembling the chaos of a hurricane rather than a boy with no escape to the monster that festered just beneath the surface of his flesh.
No one had seen Remus' greatest fear, his biggest insecurity other than James, Peter, Sirius and unfortunately Severus Snape. It had taken a large amount of coaxing and arguing to ever allow the marauders to escort him to the shrieking shack and remain by his side throughout the shifts. It was painful knowing they had no choice but to watch him bare agonizing shifts and inhumane screams, his bones shifting and cracking into place as the wolf in him woke. It may have been even worse fearing if things went wrong how badly he could injure those he three who Remus held so dearly to his heart. It wasn't him but hell, it would not have relieved any lingering guilt and worry knowing that despite his own mind being pushed aside and the monster taking over his body there was a chance that his actions could have great consequences.
Now at nineteen he could never imagine attempting to make the nights like these alone. Surrounding by his three mates in the creaky shack, his stomach churning in anticipation of the moon rising over the horizon making its way into the center of the sky and sealing his fate for yet another tiring night. Sweater thrown aside to avoid tear and a required replacement, his skin itched and burned, covered in scars awaiting new additions once dawn broke over the horizon. Somehow everything Remus did not want to heal would and the marks left behind would barely fade, even over a decade later he still adorned horrid marks of pink and white harsh in contrast to his fair complexion.
As a child he assumed that one day, there would be a time where Remus would not fear himself or his own reflection but there was yet to be a day where he did not worry about the monster that looked back at him. Dark golden hues were drowning under a sharp glowing yellow that was not his own, stomach churning in place as time slowly moved by leaving him to agonizingly await the shift to start. It was like clockwork, keeping his eyes on Sirius almost apologetically for putting them all through this again.
One day it would get easier but tonight was not that night.
His trembling fingers curled into fists and remus braced himself against the loud creaking boards beneath him, feeling the wood press inward and moan at the sudden force. His insides contorted violently as the beast inside him scratched rapidly at the surface awaiting to be set free, a sense of blood lust and fear overcoming him in crashing waves. Clenching his eyes shut, the soft moonlight flooded the room through murky windows and confirmed his dread.
The shrieking shack filled with agonizing moans and screams no human would be able to replicate. He could beg and plead, scream to any higher being there was but nothing would relieve him of these horrors.
There is a monster in those woods and he was still letting it consume him. He is letting it win.