Of Scandals and Shoes: The Balthier Diaries
Chapter 1 - Learning the Skills
Day 1
I, Ffamran Mid Bunansa, am a walking sex god. Father disagrees and has confined me to room to study. Suspect is low point in our relationship.
Day 2
New Archades is stifling talents. People complaining to Father am too flirtatious with their wives. Claim is unfair and unfounded, as have only slept with two women this week.
Day 3
Today sneaked out of room to visit Old Archades for Grand Adventure. Met dashing young man. Said name was Jules, and has sexy beard.
LATER
Suspect I would look dashing with beard of own.
Day 4
Saw Jules again today. Told of plans for beard, but laughed at me. Like Jules less, but will persevere.
Day 5
Checked in mirror, but no sign of beard. I will give it another day.
Day 6
Still no beard. Perhaps will write epic poem to pass time.
Day 7
What is wrong with me?
Day 14
Aha! Chin has hair. Looks eloquent and suave.
Day 15
Father dislikes beard. Called me a disgrace to Bunansa name. Will run away with Jules to spite him.
Day 18
Showed Jules fruits of labour today. Told me was not real beard, but unsightly facial fuzz in akin to a dandy moogle. Perhaps running away with Jules would be bad idea.
Day 20
Has been over week since fulfilled lusty desires. Women dislike sexy beard. Female species remain mystery to self.
Day 21
Shaved off beard. Am sex god again!
Day 30
Father has forgotten prior fiasco and took me to play in Rabanastre. Was tragic drama but the leading man did not die. Said protagonist called Balthier. .
LATER
Checked Father's room for liquor misuse. Found nothing.
Day 40
Meaning of paternal attention now clear. I am to be made Judge. Am hated by own father. Will write poetry about despair.
Day 41
Met with Judge Gabranth today to discuss training and duties and such. Judge armour shiny and impressive. Maybe idea is not bad after all!
Day 45
Started training as Judge. Only had to practise marching. Reached one hundred marches on first try. Suspect not good for intellect but will persevere for sake of sexy armour.
Day 50
Marched 200 times today until severe leg cramps. Am sure there will be more to regime shortly.
Day 60
Feet blistered. Miss Jules.
Day 65
Talked to Father about judgely duties. He talked to wall. Feel neglected and unloved.
Day 67
Wall has name: Vinnie. Thought was odd, until remembered am self called Ffamran, so makes sense in long run.
Day 70
Gabranth said am making progress now hope renewed. Can now march 275 times with no leg cramps. Am now practising shouting 'HALT' in most impressive voice. Have become real man.
Day 71
Father will only talk to Vinnie. Now call him Cid to annoy.. Am still ignored.
Day 73
Am now officially a real Judge! Bit quick as training normally takes at least year, but suppose am abnormally talented. Tonight will enjoy lavish ceremony with wine and banquet. NOTE: Curl hair for ceremony.
Day 74
Am never drinking wine again. Woke up in Jules' hovel half dressed and cannot remember anything. Jules inexplicably annoyed, but he is not one who has misplaced shirt.
LATER
Jules demanding chops for silence. Suspect this is end of friendship. Shame as his beard still irresistible.
Day 78
Today marched around New Archades in sexy new armour. No felons were present, so was very bored.
Day 79
Today a young child saw helmet and fled for life. Fear good looks have been compromised by judge status.
Day 80
The horror! Gabranth has advised me not to pursue romantic follies now that am Judge. Not sure career is worth life of chastity.
Day 91
Fears have been confirmed! Women are repulsed by ugly helmet and avoid me at all times. Judge duties are tiring and boring, as still not used to bloody armour. Plus suspect Judge Ghis holds sinister intentions, as I have received several wanton advances. Am resigning position immediately.
Day 92
Located Cid, who was talking to Vinnie again. Am unsure what to do. Perhaps wall is currently possessed by evil demonic spirit and is controlling Cid in nefarious ways. Will destroy wall tomorrow.
Day 93
Turns out Vinnie not a wall! Vinnie is Cid's imaginary friend, and is actually called Vinner. Easy mistake to make in my opinion.
LATER
Cid has acquired a laugh alike to a mad scientist. Can take no more, so am packing things and leaving tomorrow to pursue life ambition of becoming a bard.