Star Bores

It was Andrew's big night. The event that he'd been waiting for since he could remember. The night that would satisfy all his desires, his thoughts, his existence. All questions would finally be answered, expectations delivered.

It was the opening night of Star Wars Episode III - Revenge of the Sith. And boy, was he excited.

'How much longer?' he whined to Dawn and her friend, Eva, as he took a miserable look at the huge queue to the cinema ticket booth.

'Andrew, we booked. Like, since forever? We're getting entry no matter what', replied Dawn in annoyance. 'Any more of this and you're so going home'.

He scowled and folded his arms.

'You didn't have to come, you know', he said, looking away. 'I can watch a film by myself'.

'Andrew, you practically begged us to come!' Dawn exclaimed. 'You kept dropping us hints about how this would be the definitive moment in your life, how lonely you would be if you went alone-'

'-And I don't even like DO Star Wars', Eva sulked. 'What a waste of money'.

'Then why are you here again?' Andrew snapped childishly. Dawn and Eva looked at each other in exasperation. He bit his lip, rolling his eyes in impatient wonder.

'I really wish Buffy hadn't confiscated my light-sabre…

There was only one couple ahead of them from the ticket booth. Andrew was becoming more and more fidgety.

'You see, this is a film to end all films', he claimed nervously. 'Darth Vader's showcase, it'll put the other two prequels to shame. The Sith totally rocks'.

'I thought the Sith were evil', frowned Dawn. 'And isn't it supposed to be tragic that Anakin turns bad…'

'Yeah yeah', Andrew waved impatiently. 'But tragic flaw does not make a story. It's the pure villainy, the dark versus the light, the evil masked breathing…

'You showed me one of those voice changers over the phone', Eva interrupted, annoyed.

'I guess I'll deal with the tickets!' Dawn chirped nervously, as they found themselves at the front of the queue. She hurried forward.

'Is that ticketer wearing a Yoda mask?' Andrew pointed in disbelief. 'The nerve-'

'Yoda? That ugly green goblin thing?', Eva frowned. 'Aren't Klingons supposed to look more wrinklier than that?'

Andrew stared at her in complete astonishment, his mouth gaping.

'Eva, I think you're confused with Star Trek', Dawn returned, letting out a nervous laugh.

'Star Wars, Star Trek, what's the diff?', her friend shrugged. 'God. Did you get the tickets?'

'No', said Dawn carefully, 'there was a problem…'

'WHAT?!' shouted Andrew, pulling at his hair. 'What you mean, no-'

'Andrew, I'm just kidding!', laughed Dawn, revealing three tickets from behind her back, 'we're in!'

'Oh my Jedi', he whispered, transfixed with the little slips of paper.

'No problemo', Dawn shrugged. 'Now….to the lobby!'

The lobby was a living nightmare. Eva and Andrew argued relentlessly over the virtues of cheap pre-packed popcorn versus the special Lucas films edition issued for the film. Of course, Andrew won out. It was his day, after all. Equipped with cardboard lightsabers and Darth Vader masks, the trio made their way into the theater.

'Did you see that?', Andrew pointed at a passing five year old. 'He's got a purple light saber!'. He looked at his own yellow one in disgust.

'This will be the happiest day of my entirest life!', the young boy lisped enthusiastically to his father.

'Drama queen', pouted Andrew, chewing on hot buttery popcorn.

'Can we just go in now?', begged Eva.

So they descended into the darkness of the screen room, already packed with excitable fans. Miraculously, they managed to find their seats, which led them to the middle row. A man spoke to his female companion animatedly in front of them.

'Yeah, like the 'net version was pretty lame. The sound was crackly, and when Padme, died…'

'Oh no oh no oh no!', Andrew burst out, eyes wide. 'I can't believe it!'

'What?', snapped Eva, annoyed.

'They just spoilt the entire film!', she said in hushed protests. 'No no NO!'

'Andrew!', chided Dawn, 'what is WRONG with you? You know Padme's bound to snuff it. Otherwise Leia and Luke would never have been adopted!'

'Yeah, but…', he mumbled, looking quite sick.

'Well, just block it all out ' Dawn sighed. 'I'm sure you're capable of THAT'.

'Um', Eva whispered confusedly, 'who…who's Padme?'

Soon, the trailers started, and the room went dim. Every three adverts contained a reference to Darth Vader, which at least helped Eva overcome her sci-fi disorientation. Andrew, devouring the whole box of popcorn, left Dawn with no alternative but to hastily buy some more. As she rushed in, the music began.

'In a galaxy far far away…' breathed Andrew.

Eva sighed, prodding him with her flimsy lightsaber.

Dawn rushed to her seat , the words boldly scrolling on screen.

The audience sat in silence as the credits run. After a few moments, they left their seats, murmuring amongst their peers.

'Oh my god…' Eva whispered, grabbing her jacket.

'I'm so not going to be able to sleep tonight…' Dawn whispered back.

Andrew sighed dramatically. 'I know. I can't believe Lucas just butchered his own creation like that. It was bad enough when he destroyed Han Solo's credibility in the extended edition, but-'

He stopped when he noticed that the girls weren't even paying attention to him. Instead, they giggled excitedly as they left the theater.

'Do you remember the bit when Anakin was all brave with Obi-Wan in the beginning…?'

'When they're after that really grumpy guy who got beheaded-'

'I sense Count Dooku' Eva mimicked in a deep heroic voice. Dawn and Eva sighed at the memory.

'Hello?', Andrew shouted in exasperation. 'Darth Vader was completely wasted in this pit of a movie. He wasn't scary, or tragic, or even cute! Nothing made sense!'

Dawn raised an eyebrow. 'It tied all the movies up, didn't it? What more do you want?'

'Respect for dedicated fans', Andrew muttered. 'A plot that makes sense.'

'Okay,' challenged Eva, annoyed that the mood had become less light-hearted. 'Name a nonsensical part.'

'Well, Anakin should not have turned to the dark side so easily', Andrew said, folding his arms. 'One minute, he promoted the Jedi way, the next, he's murdering Mace Windu and pledging loyalty to the Sith. It was a complete disregard of character.'

'Uh Andrew?', Dawn piped up, 'I think you would know, of all people, how easy it is to swing between allegiances.'

'My situation was different!' he exclaimed. 'Let's get back on topic. For one thing, the intro was boring. The middle was mildly intriguing. But the ending made no sense! Padme died as she had no will to live, WHAT?? And Vader's screams of anguish just felt all wrong. A real Sith Lord would never do that. There's such thing as villainous dignity…'

'Things don't have to make complete sense to be enjoyable, y'know', Eva interrupted, losing patience.

'You know, your hair looks like Anakin's', Dawn said thoughtfully, changing the subject.

'And the Clones-'. Andrew began, before he fully registered what Dawn said. 'Huh?'

Eva and Dawn laughed, as they got into Dawn's car. Eva turned towards Andrew.

'Annie, could you pretty please lend us your DVD collection tonight? I've got some catching up to do'

'Only if we start with the originals,' he nodded, 'the classics. I'll show you in which ways they're superior…'

'Wait til you see the Ewoks!' Dawn giggled. 'Omigod are they CUTE…'

Andrew flinched. Maybe Star Wars just wasn't meant for the masses.