SPOILERS include Matt and Mello's real names!
Seriously, don't ask. I think I've gone insane. This story has had about five different endings, and this is the one that I preferred the most, but I;'m still not quite sure that I'm happy with it.
Inspired by this picture: go-devil-dante . deviantart . com / art / Raito-and-Matt-is-love-68414445
(For some strange reason, it won't let me have a web address in the story without all those irritating spaces -- sorry about that.)
xxx
It's a Small World After All
He didn't realise exactly who had been killed until he saw the news after Takada's death. He knew Mello had died, of course – or Mihael Keehl, he should say – because that was what Takada had told him, but he never meant for Mello's friend to die.
To be perfectly honest, he never even gave Mello's friend a thought until he saw his picture on the news. They'd said that they had no idea who he was, but as soon as Light saw his face, he knew, even with the goggles marring those familiar eyes. He hadn't seen that face for… it must've been seven years now, before all the Kira stuff had ever happened, and yet he knew exactly who had been helping Mello in his abduction, who Takada's bodyguards had killed.
Mail Jeevas… my Matt… How did you get caught up in all this? Why did you have to die?
xxx
He'd been fifteen when he'd seen Matt, and Matt had probably been eleven. Light had hated him on sight, because Matt had looked like a younger, cuter version of him, and all the girls had swarmed on him. And there were a lot of girls. His parents had taken him to England, on the pretence of him improving his English, but in reality because they wanted a peaceful break, and had Light spent most of his time in the special activities laid on for the 'children', which many girls of his age were also being forced to attend.
At first Light had been quiet popular, because of his English – perfect, of course, but he couldn't help his accent. That was until Matt had arrived, amongst a group of around five other kids, looked after by a man they called Roger.
(It was only thinking back now that Light realised one of those kids, the strange white haired one, had been Near. He couldn't help wondering where Mello had been that summer.)
He hadn't paid much attention to them. They were younger than him, after all, and he'd assumed that they would be in the activities laid on for the younger kids. Indeed they were at first, but while most of them stayed there, two stood out. One had been the white haired Near, who Light hadn't seen much of, and who he assumed spent most of his time with Roger or alone or something, but the other had been Matt, and instead of going off with Near, he had started joining in with the activities designed for the older children, those of Light's age. This was where he had attracted the attention of the older girls, of course, and soon Light's fan club had started cooing over this strange boy, saying how adorable he was.
It was only when he realised that Matt had no idea that he was being showered with all this affection that his hate dulled into something more like indifference. Sure, the girls still hung around the strange English boy instead of Light, but he knew that sooner or later they would get bored of his obliviousness and return to him.
A week after Matt had appeared, Light actually spoke to him. He's been bored and had left the activity he was supposed to go to, pottery making, and instead decided to go to the gardens designed for the adults and wonder around. As long as he kept out of his father's sight, he should be okay. The first thing he'd seen of Matt was when he'd been pulled into the bushes as he was walking along the path, and had turned in outrage to see the familiar face.
"What was…?"
"Sssh." Matt – although Light hadn't even known his name then – pointed out through the bushes to the path that Light had been walking on. Looking out from between the leaves, Light saw the white haired, younger Near with the man he'd heard being called Roger.
"What are you doing?" he whispered.
"Mell-Bell thinks that something's going on between them. I'm trying to find out."
"Something?" Light wrinkled his nose. "But the guy's ancient, and the kid's about eight!"
"Ninny's ten, actually."
(Thinking back on it now, Light wondered whether Mello and Near knew of Matt's strange nick-names for them.)
"Whatever." Light looked around and saw the laptop and the video cameras amongst the foliage, set up to a solar panel. "You're quite serious about this, aren't you?"
"Uh huh. I like gadgets."
"I can tell, you know." There was a long pause before Roger and 'Ninny' moved away, and Matt turned to Light, looking disappointed.
"Dammit."
"Look, I'm sure that you'll find them up to no good at some point."
"Really?"
"Sure."
"Cool." Matt looked him up and down before smiling. "What's your name?"
"Light Yagami," Light said, using the Anglicised version.
Matt frowned. "You have a strange name," he said distractedly. "Mine's Mail Jeevas." He continued to frown for a few seconds, before going deathly pale.
"What is it?"
"I shouldn't have told you that!"
"What?"
"My name!"
"Oh." Light frowned. "Why?"
"Because Roger said we have to keep our names secret. Not even Mell-Bell knows mine! He's my best friend!"
"I'll forget it, then," Light said, and basked in Matt's look of gratitude.
"Call me Matt," Matt said, and Light did.
Light had to go shortly after that, but he met up with Matt the next day. There was something strangely captivating about the intelligent boy – and he definitely was a young boy. Normally Light wouldn't lower himself to speak with someone of his age, except for when he had to, but he discovered early on that Matt was different. His intelligence might've even surpassed Light's, for one, and he was amazing with his gadgets. Light learned early on that the most important thing to Matt in the world was his gadgets.
Well, maybe not the most important thing. Matt had talked often about his friend, Mell-Bell, as they had undertaken their surveillance of Roger and Ninny. It wasn't until Matt's last day at the resort – and Light's penultimate day – that he realised just how far Matt's affection for the unseen boy went.
"Mell-Bell will be disappointed," he said as he packed away his equipment for the last time. Light looked over at him.
"How come?"
"He really wanted evidence against Roger and Ninny, about what they were doing. Maybe I should make something for him." Light could hear him rummaging around in his bag, and turned towards him. "I've got this new…"
"What the fuck are you doing?" Light burst out before Matt could finish. His eyes were on the cigarette in the boy's fingers and the lighter in his hand.
Matt frowned. "Having a cigarette."
"Do you want to die of lung cancer? I thought you were clever!"
"I am!" Matt glared at him. "Mell-Bell likes it," he mumbled.
"What?"
"Mell-Bell likes it. He says it's sexy."
It was slightly disturbing – maybe even more alarming than seeing an eleven year old boy with a cigarette in his hand – to hear an eleven year old boy give the reason for something he did to be because it was sexy. In Light's mind, eleven year olds should be innocent.
Not that he had been, of course. He was too intelligent to ever have been innocent for long. And maybe that was the problem with Matt, and his friend: they were too clever to be innocent.
"It's still a stupid habit," he insisted.
(And you never even stopped smoking, did you? Mello thought it was sexy, and so you carried on, even after what I said. Well, Matt, I hope it was worth it.)
"And anyway, why do you even care that Mell-Bell thinks it's sexy? Isn't he a… well, a boy?"
"Yeah?" Matt shrugged. "So what? I like him."
"It's just…" It wasn't that Light thought it was unnatural or disgusting. He couldn't care less what everyone else did in their spare time. He'd just never had a conversation like this before.
He was dragged out of his thoughts by Matt's expression of worry. "Why, is it wrong? Would Mell-Bell hate me if I… told him?"
As Light looked at Matt then, he felt something that he'd never felt before, and had never felt since. He wanted Matt to be happy, he realised, and it was obvious that he wasn't happy now. Stepping forwards, Light placed his hand under Matt's chin and raised his face up so that he was looking deep into the other boy's eyes.
"I'm sure he won't. And if he does, he'll have me to answer to, okay? Because no one – no one – hurts my Matt and gets away with it."
When Matt had smiled, Light had felt like he couldn't get any happier, even though his happiness was tinged with… with something he couldn't describe, with something he hadn't recognised as sorrow until months afterwards.
xxx
He sighed as he turned off the TV and leant back into his chair. I as good as killed him. He was there because of me. If I had never started any of this Kira business…
He halted his thoughts sharply. Stop being so stupid. It wasn't your fault that Matt got caught in the cross-fire between you and L's successors. It wasn't your fault that you and he led completely different lives. It wasn't your fault that you never met him again, after that summer.
It wasn't your fault that he was too young for you to realise what… what could have been, what should have been.
xxx
That night, Light dreamed about Matt. He hadn't dreamed about Matt for years – he hadn't even thought about the boy for years, had forced himself to forget about him – but the sight of him again, after all that time, brought back the memories.
The dream started, like all the others had, with him standing in a small, non-descript flat. These flats were always different, but they were always similar, always small and plain; just the blank canvas for the drama that was to be played out in them. Light stood in the centre of the room, his back to the door, and as the door opened he turned to face it, to see the person he knew would be standing behind him.
This is where the dream changed. Before, he had always seen just an older version of the boy he had met that summer seven years ago, but now he saw the young man who had been sprawled out of the car. Those clear eyes stared at him from behind goggles instead of exposed like he remembered, and instead of the checked shirt that Light had last seen him in, Matt was wearing a striped top, torn and stained red with bullet holes and blood. Only the cigarette, hanging from the corner of his mouth, was the same.
"Yagami Raito." For some strange reason, even though he had told Matt the Anglicised version of his name, Matt always used his real name in his dreams.
"Mail Jeevas… my Matt." Matt came forwards and stood next to him.
In the past, the dream would continue with Light kissing Matt, with Matt allowing the kiss, taking like smoke, the cigarette falling from his lips, reaching up his hands to stroke Light's face; with Light wrapping his hands around Matt's waist and pulling him closer; with Matt fumbling at the buttons of his shirt and the two of them breaking apart, panting, to stare wildly into each other's eyes, before starting their wild kissing again; with Light pushing Matt up against the wall and transferring his mouth to Matt's neck; with him tearing Matt's shirt off and shoving his hands down the other boy's pants, causing Matt to gasp and arch into his touch; with Light taking his mouth from Matt's neck and kneeling on the floor to wrap his lips around Matt's cock instead…
But this wasn't like other times. This Matt wasn't the same Matt, wasn't just the eleven year old boy in a man's body, and those dreams had stopped long ago. Instead of kissing him, Light just looked at him.
"I'm not your Matt any more, Light," Matt said, turning to meet Light's eyes. "I'm Mell-Bell's." Light couldn't see the expression behind those goggles, and cursed them silently.
"Were you ever mine?"
"No, I suppose not."
Light sighed. But you could have been, you should have been. This… this was not how it was meant to end up. "You could've ruled the world with me. We would have succeeded. You wouldn't be dead."
"That's not what I want, though. I didn't want the world. I just wanted Mell-Bell."
"But Matt…!"
"I'm sorry, Light."
Light sighed again. "It is my fault you're dead, isn't it?"
"Don't say that!" Matt's voice was harsh, and Light, who had turned away from Matt when Matt had said he was sorry, turned back to look at the red head. He wouldn't have been surprised if Matt's hair was standing up in rage. "Don't you dare blame my death on you! You had nothing to do with it. I knew the dangers, I could see them even without Mell-Bell telling me what they were, and I still took part. I didn't have to, I could've stayed behind, safe, but I chose to act."
"Against me."
"No, against Kira. It just happens to be that you are Kira."
"I'm still sorry, Matt."
"I know." Matt removed the cigarette from his mouth with one hand and reached up with the other – Light had no idea how tall he was in reality, but in his dreams he was always shorter than he was – and brought Light's head down for a chaste kiss. "Keep well."
xxx
Light woke up with a start. He could still taste Matt's cigarette smoke and wondered blindly for a moment whether the kiss had actually happened. Don't be stupid, he snarled to himself. Matt is dead.
"Light?" Light turned to look at Misa, her eyes wide and shining in the dark. "Are you okay?"
No, I'm not okay. The one person who has meant anything to me – aside from my family, that is – is dead, and he would still be alive if it wasn't for the whole Kira thing. Matt… Mail Jeevas… you have to know that I am sorry, don't you? He'd never believed in life after death before, but just then he hoped that there was something, anything, that meant that Matt would be able to hear how much he regretted how everything had turned out.
"Light?" Light blinked and refocused on Misa.
"Yeah, I'm fine." Or at least, I will be. I just need to… I just need… But he wasn't sure he could do it: he wasn't sure if he would be able to forget all about Matt again. Sighing, he lay back down on the bed. "Go back to sleep, Misa." He heard her snuggle back down in the blankets and soon her breathing was slow and even.
It took a long time for Light to follow her into sleep.